With America and the world still reeling from the Senate report detailing the horrors of the Bush-Cheney era’s torture policies (described by The New York Times as “a portrait of depravity“), Dick Cheney himself took a moment to reflect in a personal way about how he has been coping with the burden of being a murderous serial-torturer who is guilty of war crimes.
“When doctors told me I needed a new heart, I had a critical decision to make,” Cheney explained in his heart-felt interview with Fox News’s Bret Baier.
Cheney explained that several people he knew who had received heart transplants had used the event as an occasions to reflect on their lives, often acquiring both a new respect for humanity and a desire to make amends for past sins.
“I needed to make sure my heart wouldn’t turn me into some kind of well-meaning do-gooder,” explained Cheney. “I knew all of those torture documents would come out eventually… the worst thing that could happen would be for me to seem weak. Like I’d softened up, and started caring, or something.”
Cheney promptly contacted his friend Rick Perry, asking him if any truly depraved psychopaths were about to be executed whose hearts could be used to replace his own clapped-out ticker.
Cheney said with a creepy crooked smile: “Rick told me about Floyd-William’s multi-year killing spree… and I knew I’d found a guy after my own heart!”
According to some limited scientific research, and the plots of several B-rated horror movies, having the heart of a serial killer implanted in his chest will allow Cheney to continue to dismiss torture allegations as “full of crap”, and respond to increased rumors of being tried for war crimes with Hollywood’s most convincing maniacal blood-curdling laugh.