Is Bowe Bergdahl literally the worst being that ever existed?

So far, Fox News and conservative social media have taught us that Bowe Bergdahl questioned the mission in Afghanistan, went AWOL, could have been a traitor, and might possibly have even been a jihadist! Every single day, the news just gets worse.

But what if this only scratches the surface of what a terrible force of evil Bowe Bergdahl is to the world? I have not yet heard anyone ask if Bowe Bergdahl’s soul is being returned to the United States intact. He could have produced a horcrux while he was being held prisoner in the middle east. That would make him like the dark lord Voldemort, but worse… because Bergdahl speaksĀ Pashto (the language of terrorists) and at least Voldemort spoke English.

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Is Bergdahl worse than Voldemort?

Some people say that Bowe Bergdahl is personally responsible for six deaths that resulted from a search mission to find him after he went missing. But can you imagine if he is actually responsible for all of the 6,000+ deaths of U.S. servicemen and women since the War on Terror began? What if Bowe Bergdahl was actually a murderous despot working in secret within the military? These questions must be asked.

Anything is possible in a world where a Kenyan atheist Muslim can elect himself President twice despite the fact that REAL Americans did not vote him in. Vlad the Impaler tops several online lists for being the most evil person in history; maybe we should consider bumping him down to number two?

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Is Bergdahl worse than Vlad The Impaler?

Now I’m going to say what everybody is thinking:

What if Barack Hussein Obama traded five terrorists and endangered America because Bowe Bergdahl was his HOMOSEXUAL LOVER?

It would not be the first time something like that happened; Abraham Lincoln made Southern farmers fire all their employees after the Civil War because he was totally into dudes. Some people say. So I heard. I’m a reporter, it’s my responsibility to report on everything that some people say. It’s my job to ask the tough questions.

So here’s the real tough question: Is Bowe Bergdahl literally the worst being that ever existed?

I’m just asking the question, like a responsible reporter. But I can say this: I have seen no conclusive evidence that he’s not the worst being that ever existed.

“But what about Cthulhu, Zach?” you might ask.

Until Obama tries to rescue Cthulhu from the lost city of R’lyeh by sending five Muslim terrorists there, Bergdahl’s worse.


Is Bergdahl worse than Cthulhu?