This is the fourth installment of the new monthly column, The Illuminated Truth.
Pope Benedict XVI recently said he will resign “because of advanced age.” That explanation is neither plausible nor interesting. So what is the REAL reason?
THEORY #1: The Pope ousted by super-powerful Twitter because he was “using it wrong”.
According to anonymous officials inside the Vatican, the Pope had laid out one of the most completely moronic and anti-social uses of social media ever devised.
Specifically, the Pope had declared that: 1) he didn’t want people to tweet to him, because he didn’t intend to reply; 2) he had no plans to ever follow anybody or re-tweet; and 3) there was no reason to expect that he would tweet anything personal or interesting, or even that he would tweet very often.
Also speaking on the condition of anonymity, one official related to the Twitter organization commented on this by saying: “What a #herpderp”.
Is it possible that the great Twitter Overloads were simply so baffled and annoyed by this misuse of the entire concept of Social Media that they applied secret pressure behind the scenes to force the Pope to resign? According to one anonymous and extremely informed individual in the comments section of a blog: “I suppose anything is possible.”
THEORY #2: The Pope resigned because his excessive use of the Dark Side of the Force has sapped him of all of this strength.
According to the official reports, the Pope is retiring because he claims to feel “tired” and “old”. But everyone knows that a good, righteous person derives his energy and vitality directly from God, so what gives?
One possible explanation is that his use of the Dark Side of the Force is finally catching up with him. After all, how do you even get to be Pope after being a Nazi and a (alleged) child molester (some say) unless you are drawing on some very deep and very powerful evil forces in the universe?
THEORY #3: A gay love/sex triangle soap-opera murder mystery theater.
There is actually an ongoing criminal investigation going on concerning a situation that could best be described as plot-fodder for one of those daytime televisions series with overly-attractive people in them.
Alois Estermann, the newly appointed commander of the Swiss Guard army that protects the pope, was bisexual and had a taste for the hot young new recruits that arrived each year. His favorite had been fresh-faced, 23 year old Cedric Tornay, who was a corporal in the Swiss Guard. But, since everyone know that 23 years old is “long in the tooth” by Vatican standards, Estermann started letting his attention turn to the newer, and younger, recruits. Poor Cedric, infatuated with his superior, was jilted and turned on Estermann and his supermodel wife (because what slutty bisexual man doesn’t have a supermodel wife these days?) and killed them both before taking his own life.
Allegedly. (This investigation is ongoing.)
Now, there is no reason to think that the Pope himself would have any reason to resign over all of this horrific embarassment…..
…or is there?
Some say that the Pope might have been more involved in this event than previously thought. Some say that the Pope might have known about it all along, and may perhaps have even encouraged some of it. Some people could even say, if they wanted to, that the Pope might have been videotaping some of these encounters for his own pleasure.
We have no evidence of any of this, of course, but that definitely would explain a sudden resignation by the Pope, now wouldn’t it?
THEORY #4: The Pope resigned out of embarrassment over the Superbowl lip-synching scandal.
Now, some people might find this argument far-fetched. However, this story was broken at CitizenSchwartz.com and the following quotation attributed to the Pope definitely rings true:
“I deeply regret that so many young Catholics felt hurt because I did not use my own voice when called to do so, but rather mouthed along to pre-recorded and pre-determined words designed only to make the Papacy and Church look better through a lavish and theatrically staged performance.”
We have to admit, whether the Pope was involved in the Superbowl or not, the above quotation coming from the Pope is, to say the least, 100% and completely plausible.