The tale of Santa Claus has been twisted and perverted by liberals into a disgusting piece of anti-American propaganda. Today’s Liberal Santa gives welfare entitlements to undeserving unemployed children, owns a television and a microwave despite only working one day per year, and is forced to employ a congenitally deformed reindeer due to political correctness.

But that is not the true, conservative story of Christmas. So in the honorable tradition of Conservapedia, the Half Hour News Hour, and, AMAC, we will take a very popular liberal thing (in this case, Christmas) and change it around completely in order to create our very own conservative version.

You’re welcome.

Far up north, where it is very very cold, and will always be cold because God would never allow the planet to change temperature dramatically, there lives a man named Santa Reagan Claus. Usually, he just goes by Santa R. Claus.

He lives there with his wife, because he is heterosexual. Also, a whole collection of immigrant children work in his factory. This is one of the reasons that he is known throughout the world as being so generous and kind to children. If it were not for S. Reagan Claus, those diminutive little people would be completely unemployed and would probably starve and freeze to death in the cold, cold northern ice storms. Basically, Santa Reagan Clause has single-handedly saved their lives.

So anyway, his factory is able to churn out tons and tons of really cheap toys. Partially, because he is using child labor, but also because the North Pole is not burdened by the iron first of government regulation. The liberal hell-hole country of the United States could learn a lot from the Free Market paradise of the North Pole, in fact. Santa only has to pay his under-aged factory workers with candy-canes, which allows him to keep prices very low. The children are happy, too, because, hey, who doesn’t like candy canes? Plus, he dressed them up like elves, which they also enjoy.

So anyway, Santa also contributes to the local economy at the north pole, because he uses locally-produced whale blubber as insulation in the factory walls and fuel for the lamps. He does not use electricity because he prefers to remain “off the grid” so that when the Industrial-Socialist Complex of Vast Democrat Machine finally lowers the Communist Hammer on the world economy, he does not want to be adversely affected.  This is also why he stockpiles approximately 1/3 of all of the guns that are produced in his factory. This is a lesson that your family should also learn from.

So anyway, as the CEO of the North Pole Factory, Santa works very, very hard every single day of the year. The idea that Santa only works one day per year is a myth perpetuated by communists to reinforce the idea of the the 1% are somehow lazy and undeserving. Santa is constantly toiling over balance sheets, invoices, employee reports, and of course reports about his customer base. Because he is a conservative, he has vowed to cut expenses by 1% every single year, and has been doing this since the year 1803. That is why his company is so efficient now. It is also why he pays his underaged factory worker with candy canes.

So anyway, on Christmas Eve, he meets with his distribution department,which is made up primarily of deformed and slightly mentally retarded people. In popular folk lore, these “assistants” are described as being monsters, but that just shows you how racist liberals are. Santa employs them because Santa does not discriminate: he employs people based only on finding who is best for the job that is needed.  Therefore, Santa employes the members of his distribution department to scare the crap out of children who are bad and beat them, because let’s face it, that is a role to which deformed and disabled people are especially suited.

Also, Reagan Claus wears a big old cross on his hat, because he knows that Jesus is the reason for the season.

So anyway, Santa Reagan Claus and his team of assistants go around the night before Christmas in order to re-enforce capitalist free-market values. How does he do this? When a child has worked hard enough for little or no financial compensation, he is given a very small and very inexpensive bonus in the form of some kind of toy or possibly a piece of food that he is normally too poor to afford. On the other hand, when a child has been lazy and has not worked in a factory, or in the fields, or in an office performing repetitive tasks that the company would normally buy a machine to perform except that the machine is more expensive than child labor, then Santa’s mutant monster-looking assistants place the child into a burlap sack and beat him until he learns the value of hard, honest work.

Because Santa knows that coddling children leads to nothing but dependent, entitled little spoiled brats. In the real world, there are winners and losers… and losers get punished. Those are real conservative values…. and Santa Reagan Claus is there to help you teach them to your children.

I know that some of you will read this as if it were a joke. Some of you will think that this is exaggerated and horrific and/or silly.

But in the spirit of the holiday, I ask you to take just one small moment out of  your day and really think about it. If this was how Christmas was run every year, can you just imagine how quickly children would learn the value of capitalism and hard work?

All I’m saying is: think about it.

The story of Conserva-Claus might be exactly what America needs.