Jesus teams up with Steve Jobs for the greatest hacking stunt of all time

I am convinced that Jesus took the life of former Apple CEO Steve Jobs for one reason and one reason only: Heavenly computer training.

Jesus is a Hacker

With the long declared Biblical prophecy on Obamacare (“Whoever seeks to preserve his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life will keep it.” -Luke 17:33) it should be clear to Christians that health care of any kind is an absurdly Satanic idea.

Jesus calls us to “come and die,” not to be plugged into big-government systems that force us to live. As the Hebrew Prophets in the Old Testament often repeat, we serve a “Jealous God” who desperately wants Born Again Christians with Him in our supernatural Heavenly home… not alive here on earth.

So, guided by the mischievous Holy Spirit, Christians around the world have been praying since Obama’s first term that he would be stopped.

And shortly after millions began praying…. Jesus called his son Steve Jobs home!

Jobs, the brilliant visionary of the greatest computer company in the world, has undoubtedly been assisting the legions of Angels to rain the wrath of the Father onto

Recent reports have revealed that the Obamacare website has been attacked at least 16 times by hackers and cyber attacks. The site has apparently been the victim of “distributed denial of service” (DDoS) attacks. Who do you think that was?

That’s right: God, Jesus, and Steve Jobs.

And their efforts have been working wonderfully. 40 million Americans were supposedly predicted to benefit from the online program, but less than a few thousand have actually signed up.

Obviously Steve Jobs and Jesus’ angels are busy setting up DDoS attacks, packet sniffers, trojan horses, viruses, worms, and back-door entry codes. Like a winged  cyber-brigade, like supernatural version of the hacker group Anonymous, they are all focusing their omnipotent powers on one and only one thing: the destruction of the miserable anti-Christian health care website!

Of course, don’t think Satan isn’t also working his feisty antics: the world watched as House Speaker John Boehner was able to log into the website in a matter of seconds and receive quality affordable healthcare. How embarrassing.

But God is in control, and will reign supreme… with the help of Steve Jobs, of course. We have seen the work of God previously when he destroyed the hedonistic website Myspace. Now, we are seeing a far greater move of God.

The breakdown of the health care website is a clear sign that Christianity is taking over this country once again, that the dreams of our founding fathers will emerge, and that the power of prayer is far greater than any attempt at redistributing wealth to care for the sick and dying.

Keep fighting and: “do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” (Philippians 4:6).

Happy Thanksgiving!

The Indians embraced socialism and got what was coming to them (Happy Thanksgiving)!

If there is one thing we can take from history, it’s that white men have never done anything wrong.

For example, blacks in Africa: we brought them to America, giving them food and shelter in exchange for labor. They treated us as liberators, and while they talk a big game to encourage the proliferation of the welfare state, clearly they are thankful because… well, they haven’t gone back! Plenty of top-notch conservative minds have pointed out that slavery was the best thing to ever happen to blacks.

White people are also responsible for Thanksgiving, a celebration of the free market over socialism.

Some people MISTAKENLY think Thanksgiving was about the sharing of crops or the alliance of Native Americans and the Pilgrims … H*CK NO!

Thanksgiving has never been about giving to anybody. Think about how we celebrate Thanksgiving: it’s a once a year celebration of what we are all able to give ourselves! Why else do we all go out shopping early in the morning the day after Thanksgiving? To get a head start on giving ourselves stuff to celebrate next Thanksgiving!

We patriots are so eager in fact, that retailers like Walmart are ethically allowing their laborers to sell us discounted 90″ televisions and SodaStreams instead of spending time with their families like we get to!

The history books, which were all written by people who received a college education which means they are liberals that cannot be trusted, say that white people came to the Americas and began to take land from the Native Americans, who did not understand the idea of land ownership.

But I can tell you what really happened.. and you won’t believe it!

Barack Obama IndianThe Native American leader who oversaw the first Thanksgiving was named Chief Nobama of the Democratparty Tribe. All of the people in the tribe under his leadership were deathly ill. Prior to the white man showing up, they had instituted a new policy called Machu Picchu, an Indian word that does not translate directly into English but essentially means Obamacare. The amount of pebbles the mandatory insurance under Machu Picchu cost bankrupted every member of the Democratparty Tribe, leaving them completely unable to buy food or toilet paper to build their homes.

That is when the Righteous, Godly, Amazing white people arrived. They tried to liberate the Native Americans from the socialist reign of their Muslim atheist Kenyan Indian chief, but the Indians refused. Because the Pilgrims were PROUD CAPITALISTS, they took all the food the Democratparty Tribe had and said it belonged to them. Then, they killed the Indians… just to prove to them that their economic system was wrong.

I know that this entire story is true because God told it to me in a dream and you’re not allowed to question people who hear stuff from God!!


EDITOR’S POST-SCRIPT: Other conservatives before Zach have attempted to re-write the Thanksgiving story as a triumph of capitalism over socialism. Zach’s account, however, is clearly superior.

For example, Rush Limbaugh attempt at a “Thanksgiving Capitalism Story” suggests that the pilgrims were stupid enough to try socialism.

There is even a book by Coral Ridge Ministries, which nobody has ever heard of, called “10 Truths About Socialism”, which nobody has ever read, telling the same basic story: Pilgrims tried socialism, starved, God appeared and taught them the free market and the fact that government regulation is evil, and then suddenly they had food.

Although by the end of this tale the Pilgrims have learned their lesson, Zach’s account of Thanksgiving is obviously far superior because it is consistent with the historical axiom that white people never do anything wrong.

Pat Buchanan would be proud. Make sure you spread this, the NEW Thanksgiving Story, to all of your conservative friends.



Related Story: Thank God for Turkey, Texas!


Thank God for Turkey, Texas

Liberal Turkey.

Liberal Turkey.

Turkeys are disgusting liberal birds that love taxes and hate freedom. This is why we must slaughter and consume as many of them as possible every Thanksgiving. Just like they do in Turkey, Texas!

If you have never realized that turkeys are socialist freedom-hating sodomites who masturbate while looking at pictures of Charles Darwin, then it’s time for you to look at some seriously disturbing facts.  Have you ever wondered why PETA, the radical front group for the DNC, declares a War On Thanksgiving every year? Have you ever wondered why tree-hugging liberals care more about the life of a turkey than one-celled human zygote? Have you ever wondered why PETA calls eating turkey “murder” and tries to scare people into eating grass and soy?

Turkey Attack!Consider this: The reason these birds are called turkeys is that they were originally mistaken for birds imported from the country of Turkey, which means they have suspicious Islamist connections.

Just take a look at this drawing, to the left, of a marauding turkey attacking an innocent American soldier.

What more proof do you need?

Obviously, turkeys are liberal terrorist birds. (We have added the appropriate speech bubble to the above photo to demonstrate this fact.)

This is why it is the duty of all good, red-blooded Americans to slaughter and EAT as many liberals turkeys as possible every thanksgiving.

This is what they do in Texas.  The state of Texas is so patriotic that not only do they threaten to secede every time something happens in Washington that they think is un-American, but they also have the had the most Thanksgiving-day fires caused by people trying to deep-fry their own turkeys for the last four years in a row. Now that’s patriotism.

But even more patriotic than the state of Texas, however, is the small town of Turkey, Texas.

Turkey, Texas has a population of 370. Most households in Turkey, Texas make less than $20,000 per year. One third of the population of Turkey, Texas is over 55.  73% of them have a high school education or less. They are 70% white, with the next-largest group being Native Americans.  The population has been declining by 25% each decade for the last two decades, and their mortality rate is 150% of the national average. How much more true-blue American can you possibly get?

Then, last year, the evil socialistical liberal cult, PETA, tried to invade Turkey, Texas!  Yes, my friend: I know it is hard to believe, but that is how much they hate freedom.

They tried to force Turkey, Texas to change its name to Tofurky, Texas, in honor of their blasphemous heathen idol food, tofu. Naturally, the good Americans of Turkey, Texas stood up to these bullies and refused to change their name.

Good for you, Turkey, Texas!

Now, go slaughter more liberal turkeys! Do it with your bare hands if you need to.

Show the rest of these pansies what it means to be a real American.