An alternative scientific theory of the true causes of climate change and global warming

Today I would like to take time to give an in-depth and serious reply to the following letter that I received from a reader, and brother in Christ:

Dear Pastor Gregory,

I’m writing to you poolside from Tampa, Florida drowning in a cocktail of sweat and suntan lotion. My sunburned and blistered hands, by the grace of God, can just barely tap the keys to type out this letter! With temperatures this high, you can imagine how shocked I was when I overheard co-workers talking about some news reports that HUMANS are melting the Antarctica ice sheet! Are these reports true? is climate change real? Or is this some kind of demonic plot Barack Hussein Obama has cooked up in attempts to take over America?

Warm blessings,

Freezing Fred

Thank you for writing to me with your confusion, Fred. I am happy to help ease your spiritual pain.

I’ve looked into this story your un-saved co-workers were babbling about and it turns out to be true…. BUT for very different reasons than they expected!

You see, liberal scientists love blaming Christian conservatives for everything! Barack Hussein Obama and his socialist base have attempted to blame global warming on conservatives, just because we are pro-business and anti-regulation! Like always, they’re trying to pass legislation that will fiscally suck the middle-class dry so they can liberally spend it on abortions and unemployment checks and other un-Christian things. May God have mercy on their souls!

But our fellow Bible-believing, God-fearing, Tea-Party leaning Christians have shared their knowledge of this topic with us already. It was just the other day our Sunshine State Senator Marco Rubio who in an appearance at the National Press Club made clear, “I do not believe that human activity is causing these dramatic changes to our climate the way these scientists are portraying it”  (emphasis added).

HE KNOWS THE TRUTH!

God also spoke directly through Rev. Pat Robertson saying, “It’s getting warmer in Jupiter—and they don’t have any SUVs driving around in Jupiter—it has nothing to do with greenhouse gases it has to do with the action of the sun, there’s either two much sun or not enough sun” (emphasis added).

HE KNOWS THE TRUTH!

We don’t need Obama-bought climate scientists to know why Earth is heating up and we definitely don’t need liberals like your co-workers blaming US! ALL WE NEED IS THE BIBLE! And in our Bible Jesus says sinners burn in Hell: “Depart from Me, you cursed, into the everlasting fire prepared for the devil and his angels.” (Matthew 25:41)

So, putting together all of the knowledge we have learned from Pat Robertson, Marco Rubio, and the Bible, we can come up with a conservative, theologically-correct, alternative scientific theory of global warming. And it is pretty clear:

The Earth is heating up because the sin of liberals is pulling the sun closer to the earth… and also to Jupiter!

It’s actually quite obvious, once you see it clearly. Here is a diagram that you can share with all of your friends to help them to understand:

A theologically-correct, conservative, alternative scientific theory of global warming that has no liberal bias!

So Brother Fred, stay strong in the Lord! With Holy-Spirit-boldness proclaim the gospel of hell-fire-and-brimstone to your co-workers, hold nothing back, for if we cannot change their evil ways, God’s Wrath will burn the planet to a crisp!

We’ll pray for snow in Florida, anything is possible with God on our side!

In Jesus Name,

Pastor Gregory