Aging White Voters Still Mad at Black Man Who Fixed Economy

The Daily Edge Liberal Bias White Voters Still Angry

Republicans rode a wave of aging white male rage to reclaim the Senate, increase their leadership in the House, and win key Gubernatorial races this Tuesday. Turnout among 60+ voters soared to 37% of the total (up from 25% in 2012 and 32% in the last midterms in 2010).

79- year-old Charlie Koch and his kid brother Dave were particularly happy with the results, explaining that they were just really, really mad at the way they had created more wealth for themselves under America’s first black President than they had under all white Presidents combined. “We almost got wiped out in the Bush crash of 2008,” said Charlie, “but under the socialist tyrant Hussein Obama our wealth has recently soared to over $100 billion.  Now he has the audacity to suggest we should pay a little more in taxes to maybe repair the roads and bridges our trucks have been using.”

The Kochs spent over $290 million of their barely taxed profits to help defeat Obama. Younger brother Dave said he was particularly offended by Obama’s call for a small increase to the minimum wage and his suggestion that Americans should be slightly nicer to women, seniors, students, gays, blacks, Latinos, working families, veterans, the long-term unemployed and others less fortunate than the highly successful Koch boys. “Fuck that shit,” he said.

With millennials, still exhausted from September’s massive climate march, largely sitting out this year’s election, it was up to voters like 68-year-old Bill Mulberry, Jr. of Huntersville, North Carolina, to decide what policies America would pursue to save the planet. Unfortunately for the planet, Mulberry thinks climate change is a hoax. He also described the fact Obama has created 10.5 million private sector jobs in a record 56-month stretch as “just your opinion.”

With gas prices below $3 a gallon and total American wealth now at the highest level in history, aging white voters said they still yearned for “the good old days,” when America was waging two wars and losing 800,000 jobs a month under a folksy white President.

With Ted Cruz now running both the House and Senate and John McCain set to head the Senate Armed Services Committee, experts say those “glory” days may be returning sooner than anyone who sat out Tuesday’s election may imagine.

Celebrating the glorious success of the GOP Government Shutdown!

GOP Government Shutdown was a catastrophe and the GOP wants to do it again

October 1st marked the one-year anniversary of the hugely successful GOP shutdown of the US government. And Republicans have every reason to celebrate.

Led by Cuban-Canadian renegade Ted Cruz, the shutdown allowed Republicans to deliver what one expert described as “a sharp kick to Uncle Sam’s balls and every American’s pocketbook.”

This “completely self-inflicted economic catastrophe” cost US taxpayers a staggering $24 billion, which was especially funny because Republicans had only just finished voting on $4-billion-a-year in cuts to Food Stamps having told US taxpayers we were already broke.

For some inexplicable reason, all of the consequences of the GLORIOUS REPUBLICAN SHUTDOWN are not being reported 24-7 on Fox News and other media outlets. Some people are even claiming that the GOP-lead shutdown was “no big deal”. So, to make sure you don’t forget on this one year anniversary, here are some of the consequences of the 2013 government shutdown instigated by our great American conservatives:

– Because of the shutdown, National Parks saw 7.88 million fewer visitors in October, 2013, translating to a loss of $414 million.

– Because of the shutdown, the Centers for Disease Control had “reduced capacity to respond to outbreak investigations, processing of laboratory samples, and maintaining emergency operations.” Which is great, because here in America we never had to worry about the spread deadly infectious diseases, right?

– Because of the shutdown, more than 2 million hardworking Americans’ paychecks were affected, food safety operations ceased, and benefits for veterans, women, infants and children were disrupted.

– But most important of all, the GOP shutdown achieved the larger goal Republicans were seeking: It sent the entire US economy into a tailspin–our GDP shrank 2.1% in the first full quarter following the shutdown!

This timing was important. Voters were just starting to give Obama a tiny bit of credit for the eleven consecutive quarters of economic expansion that preceded the shutdown. Thank God the GOP shut that down!

But clearly, Republicans know there’s more work still to be done. The US economy expanded at a 4.2% pace in the Second Quarter of 2014 and Obama has now created more than 10 million new jobs in the longest period of uninterrupted job growth our nation has ever seen. Clearly, the threat to America posed by Obama getting credit for something is still as dangerous as ever

But Obama getting credit for economic growth isn’t the only threat America faces. There’s also climate change to ignore, immigration reform to postpone, and a vote on raising the minimum wage to avoid.  Plus, if Ebola starts spreading, why waste money on the CDC when Rick Perry could solve the problem simply by leading us in a National Day of Prayer?

That’s why Republicans as visionary as Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio and, yes, even Mitch McConnell are asking for you to help Republicans retake the Senate this November so they can respond to America’s challenges the best way they know how–by shutting down the government all over again!

The Gospel according to Cruz

Pastor Rafael Cruz, father of the honorable and blessed Ted Cruz, has been patiently explaining how the word of God applies to modern life. Unfortunately, the liberal media machine has been outright mocking him for some of his greatest Biblical insights, like these:

“Go to Genesis chapter nine and you will find the death penalty clearly stated in Genesis chapter nine … God ordains the death penalty!”

“Evolution is one of the strongest tools of Marxism because if they can convince you that you came from a monkey, it’s much easier to convince you that God does not exist.”

“God has given you an anointing to go to the battlefield. And what’s the battlefield? The marketplace. To go to the marketplace and occupy the land. To go to the marketplace and take dominion.”

“Socialism requires that government becomes your God. That’s why they have to destroy your concept of God. They have to destroy all your loyalties except loyalty to the government.”

“When there are no moral absolutes, [this] leads us to sexual immorality, leads us to sexual abuse, leads us to perversion and, of course, no hope.”

Now, Rafael Cruz obviously knows exactly what God meant to say in the Bible. The language of the Bible is crystal clear. WHO COULD POSSIBLY INTERPRET IT DIFFERENTLY??

But, just in case some of you still aren’t clear, I think it’s time to just put Rafael Cruz’s interpretation right in there, in the Bible, with everything else: The Gospel of Pastor Rafael Cruz.

The Gospel of Pastor Rafael Cruz
It’s in fancy lettering. That’s how you know it’s Biblical and authentic.

There you have it! I can’t decide whether this particular part of the Bible should be inserted before or after the part about not eating rare steak (Genesis 9:28)… but I’m sure it will fit in there somewhere!

Exclusive interview with Ted Cruz!

If you have been reading this column over the last several weeks, you know that I, as a proud patriot and right-wing warrior, am not as enamored with Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) as most real Americans are. While he seems to have become a conservative hero after being instrumental in the government shutdown, I have yet to be convinced that he is not a Democrat party sleeper cell bent on destroying the Republican party, therefore destroying America. After all, he is a Canadian.

With that in mind, I am the luckiest investigative journalist on God’s 6000 year old Earth. While eating at Chipotle, a distinctly American delicacy, I noticed something shocking about the man making my food. His nametag said: “Ted Cruz – Assistant Manager”!

Ted Cruz, unmasked!My jaw dropped to the floor. In that moment, I realized I had unprecedented access to one of the hottest names in the conservative movement…and a man I want to expose for the socialist atheist Kenyan Muslim he really is!

When I asked him if I could interview him, Cruz looked perplexed. He said that his shift was up in 30 minutes and that I could wait at my table. I ate my meal and proceeded to refill my 44 ounce cup of Mr. Pibb twice thanks to my governor, Jan Brewer, not being a freedom hating nazi like Michael Bloomberg.

Finally, he came to my table and told me I could ask him anything. Before you read any further, I want you to know that Cruz was very forthcoming to me. In fact, his answers are so revealing, I could not believe my ears. I seriously deserve a Pulitzer or something. I have attached the complete, unedited interview below.

LiberalBias: Thank you for agreeing to speak with me, Mr. Cruz.

Ted Cruz: No problem, but can we make this quick? Once Upon a Time in Wonderland is on in an hour.

LiberalBias: I’ll try to keep things brief. I just want to know what you think about some political issues.

Ted Cruz: Uh, sure. I don’t watch the news very often, but I read posts on Facebook and stuff.

LiberalBias: How do you feel about Obamacare?

Ted Cruz: I don’t know very much about it, you know? But I’m glad that I can finally buy health insurance for me and my son. I have asthma so I have never been able to have health insurance before, and I can finally take my eight-year-old to get check-ups.

LiberalBias: Aha! So you don’t hate Obamacare!

Ted Cruz: Well, no. I’m sure there must be something awful about it because a lot of my friends really hate it, but as far as I can tell it seems okay. I just wish the website would work so I could actually enroll, you know?

LiberalBias: But why would you ever want to enroll? It’s socialism!

Ted Cruz: Uh… for the reasons I just said? Hey, are you OK? You seem like you’re sweating a lot.

LiberalBias: Didn’t you spend 21 hours on the Senate floor ranting about how Obamacare is tyranny?

Ted Cruz: Uh… no? I never said that. I think I’m gonna go…

LiberalBias: No, wait! Let me just ask you a few more questions. Who did you vote for in the last election?

Ted Cruz: I voted for Obama. Mitt Romney probably would have been okay, but he seemed a bit out of touch with what hardworking people like me go through just to get by, you know?

LiberalBias: But you’re a Republican!

Ted Cruz: I’m… actually not. Hey…this is a little… awkward. I think I’m going to go now. Hope you got enough for your story. Sorry I can’t help you more.

LiberalBias: I knew you were a traitor! I knew you were trying to destroy America! Just wait until the internet hears about this! Everyone will know! Everyone will know the real you!

 

At this point, the shift leader at Chipotle forced me to leave the premises, realizing that I caught Ted Cruz in his web of lies!

The interview was brief and I did not get to ask him very much, but somehow I was able to make him tell the truth about who he really is. Ted Cruz is not a Republican at all. He loves Obamacare and even voted for Obama!

If you didn’t believe me before, I bet you feel really silly right now.

11 Washington Halloween costumes

In an exclusive leak to Liberal Bias, I have received information regarding how several current and former members of Congress are going to dress up as on Halloween night. If you spot them in Washington D.C. or in their state or district on Thursday, give them a piece of your mind.

Unless if you’re dressed like a zombie, in which case go home, clean yourself off, and think about what you’re doing.

1. Ted Cruz as THE TOXIC AVENGER

Ted Cruz Toxic Avenger
Sources: rumproast.com/comicvine.com

According to my source, there was never any doubt that Cruz was going to dress as the title character of Lloyd Kaufman’s 1984 cult classic. Not only does he consider himself to be a “toxic avenger” because he was willing to poison the entire government in order to shut down Obamacare, he doesn’t even have to wear face makeup! The natural droopiness of his face did most of the work for him.

2. Mitch McConnell as FRANKLIN

Mitch McConnel

At the request of one of his constituents, McConnell, desperate in his quest to retain his seat in the Senate despite disastrous approval ratings in his home state of Kentucky, is finally acknowledging the fact that he kind of looks like a turtle. He is dressing up as Franklin this year, a much cuter humanoid turtle than Toby Turtle from the movie Robin Hood, a movie that celebrates the redistribution of wealth.

3. Paul Ryan as KERMIT THE FROG

 Sources: en.wikipedia.org/theepochtimes.com
Sources: en.wikipedia.org/theepochtimes.com

Paul Ryan isn’t the only Republican “going green” this year. Ryan had a lot of options this year; his infamous gym photoshoot made this particular reporter think he would dress like the video game character Ness from Earthbound and Super Smash Brothers. Instead, he is deciding to put on green body paint and become a Muppet. Or maybe he has always been one. Have you ever seen Paul Ryan and a Muppet in the same room? Exactly. You don’t know.

4. Kyrsten Sinema as JYNX

Kyrsten Sinema as JYNX
Sources: eastvalleytribune.com/pldh.net

After voting to fund the government while defunding and/or delaying Obamacare, Kyrsten Sinema, the freshmen congresswoman from Arizona, is under a lot of fire. Her district, containing Arizona State University, is one of the stronger Democrat party areas in the otherwise patriotic state. To help turn the tides back in her favor as she prepares to run for re-election, she is planning to dress up like a Pokemon for Halloween. The Nintendo video game franchise is still very hip and cool among the teens these days, so she hopes this will win over student voters.

5. Michele Bachmann as JAMIE LEE CURTIS

 Sources: historyguy.com/thieapolis.com
Sources: historyguy.com/thieapolis.com

Not to be outdone by the Muslim on Community, Michele Bachmann is dressing up like Jamie Lee Curtis this Halloween at the request of her husband. My source says Marcus Bachmann became obsessed with the Activia spokesperson when he heard a rumor that Jamie Lee Curtis was born with both male and female sex organs.

6. Jeff Sessions as BIG BOY PICKLES

Sources: netrightdaily.com/rugrats.wikia.com
Sources: netrightdaily.com/rugrats.wikia.com

Alabama senator Jeff Sessions is almost as conservative as I am, which is why it shocks me that he’s participating in Halloween in the first place. It’s no secret that Sessions looks like an adorable baby, which is why I’m even more shocked that he’s dressing up like an ugly baby. Big Boy Pickles from the Rugrats episode Angelica’s Worst Nightmare, scarred millions of children by being the most disturbing, horrifying baby you’ve ever seen. It almost made me rethink my strong pro-life stance.

Almost.

7. John McCain as MAVERICK

 Sources: wired.com/moviegoss.com
Sources: wired.com/moviegoss.com

For the 30th year in a row, John McCain is putting on the costume of his favorite Top Gun character. Personally, I think this Republican In Name Only should dress like Goose. Urban Dictionary defines the word goose as “A highly territorial bird, a nuisance around parks, if you get too close they will hiss and chase you away.” Sounds right to me.

8. Newt Gingrich as SLUTTY NEWT GINGRICH

Source: slate.com
Source: slate.com

It’s a common occurrence around the country for girls to use Halloween as an excuse to show ungodly body parts to the public, including but not limited to their ankles. Newt Gingrich, according to my source, has decided to join in on the fun. He has not decided how he is going to dress up; in fact, he’s not sure if he has to at all. According to my source, Gingrich feels that cheating on your first wife with your second wife and cheating on your cancer-ridden second wife with your third wife is enough.

9. Hillary Clinton as LESLIE KNOPE

Hillary Clinton as LESLIE KNOPE
Sources: weaselzippers.us/hitfix.com

To show her admiration of comedian Amy Poehler, who portrayed Clinton on NBC’s Saturday Night Live, Hillary Clinton is going to costume herself as the main character of Parks and Recreation. One of the defining characteristics of Leslie Knope is that she loves Hillary Clinton and wears pantsuits to model herself like her. The only person who loves Hillary Clinton more than Leslie Knope is Hillary Clinton herself, so this is a no-brainer.

10. Rand Paul as AN ABOLISHED FEDERAL GOVERNMENT

 

Sources: salon.com/horizonservicesinc.com
Sources: salon.com/horizonservicesinc.com

Randal Howard Paul, was defunded October 31, 2013 at the age of 50. Paul was the junior United States Senator for Kentucky and an advocate for term limits, a balanced budget amendment, and a widespread reduction of federal spending and taxation. He is survived by his father, former U.S. Representative and presidential candidate Ron Paul of Texas, and his three children, William, Robert, and Duncan.

11. Joe Biden as DITTO

 Sources: whitehouse.gov/IGN.com
Sources: whitehouse.gov/IGN.com

Somebody told Joe Biden that he could be anything for Halloween, so he decided to become everything for Halloween.

Government Shutdown: a 2 week review

What has happened during the 2 weeks (and counting) of the government shutdown? Based on listening to political news shows, you’d think…. nothing happened at all.

With headlines like “Stalemate”, “Gridlock”, and “No movement”, you might get the impression that people are just laying around, chillin’ out, and waiting for things to happen. Please stand by!

Is that really the whole story? Check out this video to find out:

Make sure to watch the video, and “like” it if you find it worthy! Also follow the WinkProgress Youtube Channel for more collaborative videos like this one!

Video direct link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5H35gmLRXS0

 

Please Stand By: something will happen soon.

Fox News has a liberal bias

Look out, James O’Keefe, because I’m about to blow the lid off the biggest liberal plot in United States history.

If you have been watching Fox News lately like hundreds of millions of other Americans, you have probably noticed that the network is changing. For over a decade, Fox News, in the words of my junior year AP History teacher, has been “saving the American news media” from dreaded liberal media bias.

On October 7, that all changed when they premiered The Kelly File. The show is a REAL patriot’s dream; on the first episode, she asked Ted Cruz how he felt about being the most hated man in America, which if you read my earlier article, you know HE DESERVES TO BE.

Meanwhile on Republican-in-name-only Shepard Smith’s new show, they have borrowed the set from the original Star Trek, because Shep fancies himself as some kind of Kentucky Fried Captain Kirk. I understand he’s been there from the start; but come on, it’s like he takes the whole “fair and balanced” thing seriously. We all know there are two sides to every story: what the Democrat party says and the truth. But I digress…

What you may not have noticed is that the network is systematically changing for the first time in its previously untarnished seventeen year history. Like the unity of church and state, marriage between a man and a woman, and former Florida governor Charlie Crist, the liberals just had to get their government shutdown-ing hands all over it.

I can prove it…. but you’ll have to watch FNC at three in the morning to understand.

"Red Eye" is where the real conservatism is atThe Achilles Heel in the Democrat party’s takeover of Fox News Channel is Red Eye, a “comedic” panel talk show that covers the day’s topics with illuminati/New World Order symbolism peppered in through clips of cute animals.

It is essentially a hyperbolic version of HBO’s Real Time with Bill Maher.

Like Bill Maher, the host of the show, Greg Gutfeld (if that is his real name), claims to be a libertarian, but does so in a much more forceful way, as if he’s compensating for something.

"Joy of Hate" is a real book. I know you think it's a fake satire thing. That's why we included this picture.He even wrote a book, The Joy of Hate: How to Triumph over Whiners in the Age of Phony Outrage.

While I absolutely agree with the book’s main takeaway, that liberals are garbage crap toilet people, the irony of whining in the age of phony outrage about liberals who whine in the age of phony outrage is not lost on me.

Now, keep in mind, I did not listen in math because math is science and science is Hitler.

Nonetheless, I remember something about A = B = C and the conclusion is clear: GREG GUTFELD IS A LIBERAL.

That is just the tip of the iceberg. I knew this was not just a crackpot theory like my stupid psychologist told me it was when I watched an episode of one of the only trustworthy news shows left, The Colbert Report. Every real American knows that Colbert is possibly the only true patriot left in cable news who is able to speak truth to power without fear of censorship. Why else would even liberals watch His show, only to cover their tracks by acting like it’s “a joke” that “Zach just is not in on?” It is because they are ashamed to know they are wrong and are too embarrassed to admit they have seen the conservative light!

On that particular episode of Colbert’s show, He was properly outraged over a photo of President Hussein putting his foot on the desk in the Oval Office, being the only Kenyan in history to ever do so. Colbert made a mistake, however, when He used clips from Red Eye to validate his point. A rare miss for Colbert; how did He not see He was being led into a trap by a pack of LIBERALS?

Two days later, Gutfeld was off for the night, because according to our sources at Fox News, he had injured himself sexually while watching a workout tape starring his favorite actress, Jane Fonda, a known threat to our republic. In his place was Andy Levy, commonly referred to as “TV’s Andy Levy” or “America’s Sweetheart.”

He too claims to be a libertarian, yet during the show’s Halftime Report segment, he is known to challenge the show’s conservative guests with dirty tricks like “logic” and “facts.”

He also fraternizes with a group of dot com punks known as Weird Twitter, who seemingly exist only to make jokes about serious topics, something only liberals do. The worst thing he ever did was deliver a long rant criticizing Chris Brown for doing something any moral American would do. You can watch here, but I must warn you that it is disturbing.

UNTIL NOW.

Colbert stood with Gutfeld and Levy, and they proceeded to swat His hand away. Colbert fell right into their trap, and Levy proceeded to act like they were joking about being outraged over something we should be considering impeachment over. Not only did Levy imply that Colbert misrepresented him, he made a case for Colbert trying to paint Fox News as a pawn of the conservative agenda, which we know is just not true…because it is a pawn of the liberal agenda!

If I weren’t paying attention, they would have been able to get away with the perfect deception. People would continue to assume that Stephen Colbert is just kidding and Fox News is a conservative leaning network that liberals would find more agreeable if they gave some of its moderate shows (yuck) a chance. Of course, none of that is true.

You may think this article is funny, but you have to know it’s not a joke.

Watch Levy’s full response to Colbert here.

Author’s Note: Greg Gutfeld and America’s Sweetheart Andy Levy could not be reached for comment. Granted, I did not reach out for comment because I was really scared that they might have actually responded.

Ted Cruz has a liberal bias!

If you’ve been reading my column on Liberal Bias, you probably think you have me figured out. I’m just a dyed-in-the-wool conservative patriot who knows that the Democrat party and their atheist Muslim leaders from China would take us over if it weren’t for the courage of corporations that protect us from having healthcare by cutting our hours.

So I know what you’re thinking: “Zach must love Ted Cruz! He’s standing up for my right to not have health insurance because I have a pre-existing condition!”

Well you would be WRONG. I do not like Ted Cruz one bit. You want to know why? Because Ted Cruz is a LIBERAL.

Ted CruzBy the time this is published, the government will have shut down because the Republicans in the House of Representatives will have done the right thing by letting the Democrat party foolishly believe that you enact change by winning elections.

They’ll cry because it is “insane” to hold the government hostage in order to repeal a law because “that’s what elections are for.”

Just because this is not how it is supposed to be done means nothing! We are innovators…no, liberators!

Despite what the liberal skewed polls say, the American people will see us as liberators, and if they don’t, we will just have to remind them that the Iraqis were supposed to see us as liberators, and look what happened to them! Do the American people want to be sucked into another neverending war? I didn’t think so.

Many are arguing that this beautiful government shutdown couldn’t have happened without Ted Cruz. I will give him credit for that; 94% of the EPA has been furloughed while only 18% of the Department of Defense has. There has arguably not been more freedom in America during this government shutdown since Ronald Reagan gave us eight of the best years out of the 6000 years we have been on God’s favorite planet.

In the days leading up to the shutdown, Cruz spoke on the Senate floor for 21 hours, obstructing his fellow liberal Harry Reid from doing his job as Senate Majority Leader. Normally I would love this, but I see what’s really going on here.

To know who Ted Cruz really is, you have to know where he came from. According to NBC News, Ted Cruz was born in CANADA. Normally I wouldn’t cite any “news” source that isn’t World Net Daily (I will reveal next week how Fox News has been infiltrated by the Democrat party, stay tuned!), but if anybody would know who is a Canadian socialist, it’s NBC.

If there is any place worse than Kenya, it’s Canada. There, healthcare is treated like a basic human right, and treatment is free. This atrocity is known as a single-payer system, and it is the result of socialism taking over and transforming them from our neighbor to the north into the worst thing you could ever be: FRENCH.

So why would a socialist like Ted Cruz want to destroy Obamacare? There is only one possible explanation. While the Affordable Care Act is the equivalent of 860 billion September 11ths, it’s NOTHING compared to what they have in Canada.

Like it or not, there are still a few things good about Obamacare. The insurance companies will make more money now than they ever have now that they have millions of more customers. That sounds way better than what Ted Cruz would try to push if he was successful getting rid of Obamacare. Can you imagine a system where anyone who needs healthcare can just walk in and get it? Where our tax dollars go toward making sure nobody would be turned down for care? What a nightmare.

AND ANOTHER THING, I’m not even sure that Ted Cruz is really who he says he is. Have you LOOKED at him? He looks like somebody wearing a Ted Cruz mask. It wouldn’t surprise me if he were a member of the Reptilian Elite. I mean… JUST LOOK AT HIM!

Wake up, sheeple.

Ted Cruz’s non-filibuster: executive summary

Did you miss the historic “big long speech” that wasn’t a filibuster by Ted Cruz, in which he argued passionately against Obamacare? That’s ok! The members of WinkProgress were live-tweeting the whole thing, and by reading through selected tweets, you can basically experience a re-enactment of the most important parts.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ted Cruz Not-a-Filibuster