How liberalism destroyed the Super Bowl in 2014

It may as well have been like this. Can you not see the LIBERAL BIAS? Graphic credit: Jon Bois []

It may as well have been like this. Can you not see the LIBERAL BIAS?
It may as well have been like this. Can you not see the LIBERAL BIAS? Graphic credit: Jon Bois []
I am an American, which means a few things. It means I love apple pie and hot dogs. It means that I am one of God’s children and He will punish me if I have premarital sex because He loves me. It means I vote for Republicans, unless they are RINOs and I have to cast a write-in ballot for Ronald Reagan instead.

Most importantly, it means I watch the Super Bowl.

Everybody knows that liberalism thoroughly corrodes anything and everything it touches. I don’t mean to be a…ahem, Monday morning quarterback, but I should have seen the liberal corruption of the Super Bowl coming sooner. After all, this year’s game was televised on Fox, the media arm of the Democrat party.

However, the Bill O’Reilly interview with President Hussein Obama was pleasantly surprising. I mean, sure, he didn’t ask about #BENDOGZI, but he asked several questions about Benghazi. You know, real issues.

But then the game started…. and the Super Bowl as a patriotic institution TOOK A NOSE DIVE INTO THE PITS OF H*ECK!

A 30-second ad during the Super Bowl cost $4 million, and corporations used every moment they could buy to promote their liberal agenda. From letting Terrence Malick direct every single car commercial, to demoting Arnold Schwarzenegger from conservative hero to a guy in a wig playing ping pong with some dingus, every ad was excruciating.

The only exceptions were the ads where companies spent $8 million for a 60-second ad to tell America that they are donating $1 million to charity. That was pretty cool.

The worst offenders

The most notable atrocity came from the folks at The Coca-Cola Company, who had the nerve to make an ostensibly “pro-America” ad, portraying the United States as a beautiful melting pot where people of all races, colors, and creeds can thrive. The ad was set to a rendition of America the Beautiful…except it is sung in several languages.

How dare they?? If they really think America is hashtag beautiful, they would understand that English is the official language. Read the Constitution, morans.

This would have made me regard Pepsi as the official soft drink of freedom, but their contribution to the game, the halftime show, wasn’t any better. If you recall, everybody was outraged ten years ago when Janet Jackson’s “boobie” was shown during the halftime show. As they should have been.

One decade and two Obama elections later, the Red Hot Chili Peppers perform and the female lead singer is completely topless. Guess what? Nobody cares! Liberal feminism has sucked the decency out of America and is smiling as it drips down their mouth.

Then there was the game

The liberal takeover of the Super Bowl has extended to the game itself. Everyone knows that God normally keeps very tight control over who wins and loses football games in the United States, but that clearly wasn’t going on here.

The Seahawks defeated the Broncos 43-8 and the game was never even close. This was largely blamed on Broncos quarterback and real American hero Peyton Manning, who is literally a perfect human being, but I blame Obama.

After all, there is no way Manning, the owner of 21 Papa John’s franchises, would ever fail this spectacularly without being sabotaged by liberals. They hate what he represents, so they set out to destroy him.

We live in Obama’s America now, and not even our nation’s most important sporting event is safe. Wake up, Sheeple. We need to take our country back.