The Republican Jesus response to the SOTU

As you probably know, the Republicans had three response speeches to President Obama’s State of the Union Address: the Official Republican Response by Cathy McMorris Rodgers, the Tea Party Response by Mike Lee, and the Libertarian-ish Response by Rand Paul.

What you might not realize is that there was another conservative response, as well: the Republican Jesus Response, by Republican Jesus. In case you missed it, I will transcribe it for you here:

Liberals like to pretend that Jesus would look like a hippie. We prefer to think that Republican Jesus would have nice, clean-cut hair and wear an expensive suit. Now THAT's a God worth worshipping!
Liberals like to pretend that Jesus would look like a hippie. We prefer to think that Republican Jesus would have nice, clean-cut hair and wear an expensive suit. Like this guy. Now THAT’s a God worth worshiping!

A chilling black wave of deceptive lies hovered over President Barack Obama’s State of the Union address, as he fumbled through his liberally bias anti-rich-white-guy utopian vision. Channeling his former campaign tactics of left-wing buzz-words, Obama once again threw matchsticks at Godzilla, never addressing issues that I, Jesus, really care about: abortion, creationism, and abortion.

Amidst his theatrical parade, Obama unsurprisingly managed to bring up three of the issues that go the most against everything that I, Jesus, ever stood for:

Minimum Wage
Do you not remember that one time in the Bible when I said “poor will always be with us?” I never once mentioned paying the lazy bastards $10 an hour for their lack of education and wretched lives. In fact, I never said anything about helping poor people, ever!

I don’t care about poor people. I care about hardcore supply-side economic theory. And let’s be honest, putting more money into the hands of low-life high-school drop outs doesn’t increase economic growth, it only increases the price I have to pay for my McDonalds french-fries. Why does Obama want to make me, Jesus, pay more for french-fries?

Global Warming
This miserable excuse of a President then went on to discuss the rapid increasing temperatures of the climate and how he “believe(s) in the overwhelming judgment of science” and wants to act before it’s too late. First of all, nobody is supposed to believe in science. You’re supposed to believe in me.

Plus, does this dude even watch the local news? With all of my might and influence, being God and all, I made it -45 in Chicago this week and a lady in Atlanta literally gave birth to a child in her car because heavy snow had completely halted highway traffic. I’m literally putting thousands of lives in danger just to prove to you that global warming is a hoax. Because it totally makes sense that I would do that.

Obamacare
The never ending health care debacle also continued as Obama tried tugging at our hearts strings with real life examples of how the Affordable Care Act “saved lives.”As if I care about saving lives. I care about conservative economic theory. Anybody who has read the Bible knows that.

If we don’t keep fighting back on this miserable waste of money, hospitals will be no more. We’ll only have hippie communes where baskets of newborn puppies are handed to sick patients to give them a false sense of comfort, all the while nurses in glowing white robes will treat patients with new-age crystals and Reiki healing. Is that what you want?  IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?

Mucking through the sulfuric swamp that made up Obama’s lofty State of the Union address, has brought me, Jesus, to the conclusion that Republicans have been hammering into people since day one: President Obama is Americans worst nightmare. We don’t need to wait for “global warming” to destroy the world, we’ve got Barack Hussein Obama for that!

Remember, you heard it directly from me, Republican Jesus.

Amen.

The State of the Union Awards

Red Carpet

Red CarpetFor those of us who live in Hollywood, awards season is a time of non-stop excitement.  The Academy Awards, Emmys, Tony Awards, WGA Awards, SAG Awards, and of course the most dramatic of them all: the State of the Union Awards.

The ceremony for this year’s SOTU Awards was not as dramatic as it has been some years in the past, but still provided a few upsets and some unexpected surprises. Now that the red carpet has been cleaned, and the pomp and circumstance is over, it is time to review the results of America’s biggest award ceremony since the previous one.

 

Best Supporting Actor: Joe Biden cruised to an easy win on the “I’m just happy to be nominated” image he’s been perfecting for years.  John Boehner whined to the advance press junket, “I don’t even want to be there.  I’m not a character actor, I’m a leading man!”  Boehner’s many critics, however, point out that there is more to being a “serious” actor than being able to cry on cue.

 

Best Supporting Actress:  Michelle Obama received universal support for the win with no other real contender through the awards circuit.  She also had the distinction of being the only person in attendance who bothered to get dressed for the evening.  The standard suit and tie, military uniforms and sensible pant suits gave the pundits little to discuss during the lackluster red carpet arrivals.

 

Best Foreign Language Film: This always yawn-worthy category, which typically serves as a bathroom break for most viewers, was once again carried by “Immigration Reform,” though much of the nuance of the subject matter is lost in translation on an audience that is not really interested in reading a movie.  An unnamed source claimed Rick Perry could be heard doggedly pushing his “Build A Bigger Wall” entry, which was not nominated.

 

Best Editing/Special Effects:  “Energy” and the new approach it brings to film cleaned house at the technical awards, but “Big Oil” continues to pound the fledgling competition with its massive budget, over-saturated marketing campaign and familiar action-style editing.

 

Best Sci-Fi/Fantasy Film: “Climate Change,” the only submission in this category since “Let’s Go To Space” stopped being a contender, has no real budget and continues to submit the same tired plot in a re-edited version of the same project in the hopes it will find a new audience.  And funding.

 

Longest Running Franchise: “Taxes: Loopholes and Spending” managed to squeeze out a win over the uninspired “Jobs, Jobs and Good God We Need More Jobs” to take home the award in this category. However, with every entry exhibiting a complete lack of any long-term plot development, most critics agree that an uninterrupted camera shot of a wall of paint drying would win in this category if someone would just submit it.

 

Best Documentary:  “Bring Our Troops Home IX” is the newest edition of the documentary series that always manages to evoke strong support for a win. Some critics are baffled that audiences have not grown bored of the concept, since the original “Bring Our Troops Home” documentary was released in 1964.

 

Best Adapted Screenplay:  “Government: Smarter Not Bigger”, released by the Democratic Films production studio, was the clear winner in the Adapted category. Representatives of competing studios could be heard grumbling, however, that stealing a plot is not the same as adapting it.

 

Best Epic Film: “Entitlement Reform” continues to be the goliath here, handily winning again, but it continues to seem as though no one has actually gotten around to watching the grinding epic all the way through to find out how it ends.

 

Best Actress:  The winner by a landslide, Hillary Clinton, was noticeably absent.  Many believe she is already in pre-production for her next pet project, to be released in 2016.

 

Best Actor:  This award was not given.  In a moment of embarrassment for the entire industry, voters determined that no performance was worthy of a win.

 

Best Feature Film: The controversial big winner of the night was “Guns.”  The tired subject made an explosive return to the ceremony, though the actual meaning of the project evokes strongly divisive responses between those who defend it as art and critics who believe it is glorified torture porn.  Beloved actress Gabby Gifford came out opposed to it, apparently willing to sacrifice her future career on the altar of Jane Fonda.

 

Host Barack Obama: The grassroots affection which pushed him through his first several years presiding over the event has dissipated as many now believe that the “Hope and Change” sweep of 2008 was undeserved.  Obama played the evening strongly toward fans of his current body of work, patronizing his critics and insulting the discerning viewer who refuses to be sold on his flash-over-plot action-style vehicles.

 

Notable Shutouts:  Despite strong support from film festivals and young ticket buyers, “The Gays” was all but shut out.  The most audible grumbling, before and after the broadcast, was from the “Tea Party” cast, producers and fans who were not even invited to present.  Rand Paul, deemed unworthy of an actual nomination for his work in “Tea Party”, cheekily gave his own acceptance speech anyway.

 

Best Performance by A Prop: Best Male Ingénue winner Marco Rubio’s water bottle.  No one remembers his acceptance speech, but the gulp heard round the world was the talk of the after parties.  He may be a flash-in-the-pan Bobby Jindal waiting to happen as his career falls from studio films to cable one hour dramas.