5 new Obama executive orders that will SHOCK YOU!

Obama has issued more executive orders when calculated by the worseness of the orders and what he really wants to do in his heart

Obama has declared his intent to become the first American dictator by issuing executive orders. This is an unprecedented power grab that hasn’t been seen during any presidency in my memory, which goes back to January 20, 2009. Our first president, Jefferson Davis, must be rolling over in his grave.

Now, some liberals get hung up on the “actual number” of executive orders that Obama has signed. But that misses the point completely: it’s a slippery slope. If we don’t stop Obama now, these are just five of the horrific executive orders that he DEFINITELY WILL SIGN WHEN HE GETS THE CHANCE!

1. An executive order removing English as our official language

It’s a pretty well-documented fact that Barack Obama has already used an executive order to remove the birth certificate requirement for actors in Coca-Cola Super Bowl commercials, but could he use this power to erase our national language altogether?  Liberals will tell you that this is “nonsense” because America doesn’t have a national language, but they are wrong.  It’s in the Constitution right after the part declaring that the United States is a Christian nation. Look it up!

2. An executive order enforcing the third comma in the second amendment

Everyone knows that grammar is for sissy liberals, and guns are for real-Americans. The internet tells me that the third comma in the second amendment was added by sissy liberals who want to take guns away. Some people think interpreting the second amendment is complex and nuanced, but that’s stupid: just like there is only one way to interpret the Bible, there is only one way to interpret the second amendment.  We are not going to let Obama and his Grammar Gestapo tell us otherwise.

3. An executive order renaming the “War of Northern Aggression” as the “Civil War”

Obama has been revising history ever since he forged his birth certificate when he was 13 minutes old in Kenya. What is to stop him from doing the same to American history? If Obama is able to change the name of the war that separated the North from Real-America, he may even get people to believe the liberal myth that it had something to do with slavery. After all, he is OBSESSED with race. Obsessed! You can’t even shoot an unarmed black kid without hearing him complain about it.

4. An executive order forcing science and religion to be taught in separate classrooms

For some time, we have known about Obama’s desire to remove religion from science class and eventually from the entire American continent.  Just think about it!  If teachers convince enough of our children that we evolved from apes, eventually they will start acting like apes.  Have you ever seen an ape that practices Christianity?  I didn’t think so.

5. An executive order limiting the number of things named after Ronald Reagan

Let’s face it. If you add up all the things named after Ronald Reagan and multiply by two, the answer is still “not enough.”  We must do everything we can to preserve his memory and fight back against anything that would tarnish it, like naming a street or library after literally anyone else.

Obama has issued more executive orders when calculated by the worseness of the orders and what he really wants to do in his heart

This is what’s at stake, real-America. I’ve presented you with the facts and some well-educated predictions. Now it’s up to you. This tyrant has ruled against our will for far too long, but all hope is not lost. If we work hard enough to prevent “you know who” from voting, the Republican Party might just have what it takes to stop Barack Obama from becoming a three term president!!

The Republican Jesus response to the SOTU

As you probably know, the Republicans had three response speeches to President Obama’s State of the Union Address: the Official Republican Response by Cathy McMorris Rodgers, the Tea Party Response by Mike Lee, and the Libertarian-ish Response by Rand Paul.

What you might not realize is that there was another conservative response, as well: the Republican Jesus Response, by Republican Jesus. In case you missed it, I will transcribe it for you here:

Liberals like to pretend that Jesus would look like a hippie. We prefer to think that Republican Jesus would have nice, clean-cut hair and wear an expensive suit. Now THAT's a God worth worshipping!
Liberals like to pretend that Jesus would look like a hippie. We prefer to think that Republican Jesus would have nice, clean-cut hair and wear an expensive suit. Like this guy. Now THAT’s a God worth worshiping!

A chilling black wave of deceptive lies hovered over President Barack Obama’s State of the Union address, as he fumbled through his liberally bias anti-rich-white-guy utopian vision. Channeling his former campaign tactics of left-wing buzz-words, Obama once again threw matchsticks at Godzilla, never addressing issues that I, Jesus, really care about: abortion, creationism, and abortion.

Amidst his theatrical parade, Obama unsurprisingly managed to bring up three of the issues that go the most against everything that I, Jesus, ever stood for:

Minimum Wage
Do you not remember that one time in the Bible when I said “poor will always be with us?” I never once mentioned paying the lazy bastards $10 an hour for their lack of education and wretched lives. In fact, I never said anything about helping poor people, ever!

I don’t care about poor people. I care about hardcore supply-side economic theory. And let’s be honest, putting more money into the hands of low-life high-school drop outs doesn’t increase economic growth, it only increases the price I have to pay for my McDonalds french-fries. Why does Obama want to make me, Jesus, pay more for french-fries?

Global Warming
This miserable excuse of a President then went on to discuss the rapid increasing temperatures of the climate and how he “believe(s) in the overwhelming judgment of science” and wants to act before it’s too late. First of all, nobody is supposed to believe in science. You’re supposed to believe in me.

Plus, does this dude even watch the local news? With all of my might and influence, being God and all, I made it -45 in Chicago this week and a lady in Atlanta literally gave birth to a child in her car because heavy snow had completely halted highway traffic. I’m literally putting thousands of lives in danger just to prove to you that global warming is a hoax. Because it totally makes sense that I would do that.

Obamacare
The never ending health care debacle also continued as Obama tried tugging at our hearts strings with real life examples of how the Affordable Care Act “saved lives.”As if I care about saving lives. I care about conservative economic theory. Anybody who has read the Bible knows that.

If we don’t keep fighting back on this miserable waste of money, hospitals will be no more. We’ll only have hippie communes where baskets of newborn puppies are handed to sick patients to give them a false sense of comfort, all the while nurses in glowing white robes will treat patients with new-age crystals and Reiki healing. Is that what you want?  IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?

Mucking through the sulfuric swamp that made up Obama’s lofty State of the Union address, has brought me, Jesus, to the conclusion that Republicans have been hammering into people since day one: President Obama is Americans worst nightmare. We don’t need to wait for “global warming” to destroy the world, we’ve got Barack Hussein Obama for that!

Remember, you heard it directly from me, Republican Jesus.

Amen.