ISIS fights back against defamation, and is changing her name

ISIS, the radical conservative Islamic terrorist organization, has angered Isis, the Egyptian Goddess, with all of their unbelievable bullshit.
ISIS, the radical conservative Islamic terrorist organization, has angered Isis, the Egyptian Goddess, with all of their unbelievable bullshit.

Isis, one of the most ancient and important goddesses of Egypt, is sick of all this radical Islamic bullshit.

“I used to be worshiped everywhere from Egypt to Afghanistan as a healer and a role-model for women,” she explained in her exclusive interview with Liberal Bias. “I taught human kind how to use medicine, for crying out loud! And now these radical pinheads have to go and use my name to represent their stupid right-wing religious movement? No thanks!”

Isis, who has been around for more than 3500 years, says she feels it’s a shame that people now associate the name “Isis” mostly with the right-wing religious fanatics who are beheading people and who want to bring the entire world under Sharia Law. “It especially hurts since I’ve had the name for, like, most of the existence of humanity. But now this group comes along, and instead of associating the name Isis with healing and motherly love, they associate the name with death, murder, and terrorism.”

As a result of this unfortunate development in recent political events, Isis has decided to file a lawsuit for defamation, and temporarily change her name to Ahst, which is probably closer to how it was originally pronounced anyway.

We asked Isis if she has considered using her powers to smite ISIS.

“Smiting isn’t really my thing,” she admitted, with a soft sad sigh. “My brother Set was always the one who was good at smiting. Or, if you want a god who is good at smiting, why not ask Yaweh? He’s always been very good at the smiting.”

Come to think of it… why hasn’t  Yaweh smitten ISIS yet?  Come on, Yahweh… it’s time to step it up.

 

God is using pot to punish liberals… very slowly

Many conservatives have been railing against the new Colorado law that legalizes pot use. Republicans/Christians have warned about the sinful hell-bound effects of this vile green plant, and have fought long and hard to prevent this devilish drug from entering the hands of our dear children.

Christians see pot legalization as a dangerous slide into liberalism and a corrosion of good, upstanding moral values. But I think that this, too, may be part of God’s greater plan.

We all know that God uses nature and political events to punish liberals. Pat Robertson has wisely pointed out that Hurricane Katrina was punishment for America allowing abortion. Jerry Falwell explained that 9/11 happened because God hates the ACLU. Michelle Bachmann wisely suggested that the attack in Benghazi was God’s punishment for general sinning and stuff.

And now, God is allowing liberals in Colorado to smoke pot. COINCIDENCE?? I think not.

The Big Man Upstairs is forcing Marijuana into the hands of liberal citizens across the state, creating low-life potheads whose excessive laziness and mouthwatering hunger will keep them from the midterm election-booths of 2014, giving Republicans the upper hand!

God doesn’t, as the saying goes “work in mysterious ways,” He works in artistic strokes of  Mary-Jane brilliance. He’s managed to let these liberals follow through on their silly drug-legislation, knowing that as the pot intake increases these Democratic fools will be too stoned to crawl off their couches and vote in the midterms. Stuck in star-wars pajamas, living in their parents’ basements, pot-heads across the state will forgo promoting their hedonistic legislative stupidity as they’ll be too busy deciding which pizza delivery place will satisfy their grumbling stomachs.

Praise the Lord!

Pot legalization wasn’t a step backwards for conservative values… it was just the first step forward in God’s plan to completely smite Colorado for its sinfulness!

What will happen next?

Is marijuana legalization just  the first step that will end in the sinners of Colorado sinking into the sea?

Possibly… we just need to be patient. Because it will probably happen very, very slowly.

Post-smiting map of the United States