BREAKING: Bobby Jindal declares Louisiana a “science-free zone”

The Daily Edge Jindal declares Louisiana a science-free zone
Bobby Jindal has become the first US Governor to declare his home state “science-free.”

Although Jindal was a biology major at college his recent conversion to the Koch-olic religion has led to his complete renunciation of science and facts.

Earlier this year, Jindal not only rejected manmade climate change, he also advised citizens of Louisiana to “begin building an ark,” having become convinced that Rick Perry’s incessant praying for rain in drought-ravaged Texas would inevitably lead to “a big flood.”

Now, as the great Ebola plague is causing politicians in many states to be seized by delusional visions, Jindal has declared the only way to protect Louisiana from Ebola is to make the state a completely “science-free zone.”

“I’m not a scientist,” said Jindal. ‘But I do know that Ebola cannot be cured by science. So I am hereby signing an Executive Order making it illegal to practice any form of science in Louisiana.”
The immediate impact of Jindal’s decision will be felt at the annual conference of the American Society of Tropical Medicine and Hygiene in New Orleans next week, where the world’s leading experts on Ebola were set to gather to discuss the best ways to protect against the disease.

“I have told the greatest minds in the global fight against Ebola to fuck off,” said Jindal. “So we can all sleep safer at night.”

Jindal later issued a clarification stating that despite his ban on science, a woman’s boss would still be able to decide which birth control he wants her to use.

Atheism causes obesity, teen misbehavior, contraception and sharks!

Today’s letter is about the decline of religion, and its terrible effects on our society and our culture.

Dear Pastor Gregory:As a good Republican — who follows the Biblical model for marriage, of course — I stay at home while my husband works. Needless to say, I have a TON of free time and love watching Fox News (the only fair and balanced source of TRUTH other than Jesus Christ).

If I have learned anything in my years of TV-research it’s that Americans are rapidly loosing their Christian values! We seem to be over-run by atheists in this country, and I’m worried about what might happen as a result?

Sincerely,
Megan

You are so right, Megan! The God, the guns, and the guts that made this country free are being replaced by a pro-Muslim, pro-baby-killing, pro-socialist atheists. And there has even been a study that shows that atheism is on the rise in the United States, and belief in the One True God is on the decline.

Religious Decline, the rise of Atheism

And as far as what might happen as a result of this decline in religious belief… well, I hate to tell you this, Megan, but: It already is happening.

Usually numbers, facts, and statistics are used by the Devil to trick you into believing Worldly-lies, but in this case they seem to make sense. We can take a look at the above graph, showing the decline of religion, and find a direct correlation between that and:

INCREASING OBESITY!

obesity graphGod’s ways are not fat-ways.

In Daniel 1:12 it is written, “Give us nothing more than vegetables to eat and water to drink.” You see Megan, all fat people are worshiping the Devil, and are atheists.

That’s why there are so many fat people right now. To bring this country back to our Founding Father’s healthy habits, celery sticks and ice chips should be the only foods sold for an entire year.

A DECLINE IN TEEN MOTHERS!

Birth rate for teen momsJust 28 verses into the first pages of our Holy Bible God commands, “Be fruitful and multiply!” (Genesis 1:28). With the decline of Christianity in America, this command is being ignored; teenage girls are not able to fulfill their God-given baby-making purpose. We truth-bearing-conservatives must promote legislation that gets our girls pregnant ASAP or the wrath of God will be unleashed – will we be the next Sodom and Gomorrah?!

Compare this graph to the first one, and you can clearly see the relationship: Both are going down. Obviously, the decrease in Godly beliefs is causing a decline in fertility among young women.

INCREASING CONTRACEPTION USE!

contraception use graphIt’s with cosmic crochet needles that God “knits us together in our mother’s womb,” (Psalm 139:13) making this decline in American religiosity far more terrifying than ever before. In many states like California, baby-killing has become a sport in which Democratic legislators battle for the most throats they can force contraception down! Ok, that might not literally be true BUT THIS GRAPH IS STILL SCARY FOR TRUE CHRISTIANS!

Once again, I have to point out the obvious relationship between this graph and the first one: as belief in God goes down, contraception use goes up! COINCIDENCE???

….AND AN INCREASE IN THE NUMBER OF SHARKS BEING CAUGHT!

Graph number of sharks caughtLook at this terrifying graph. As Godliness in America has steadily declined, so the number of sharks being caught has gone up. Could the end of Christendom could also mean THE END OF SHARK WEEK!? Second only to the Christmas season, Shark Week is an American holiday dating back to the times of Pilgrims and Indians… but as religion is replaced with idolatrous Obama-worship, sharks are being caught.

If the liberals have their way, they will be replaced by non-violent pacifish (illustrated on the graph to the left for your convenience)!

Is that what you want, America? Is that REALLY what you want?

Sincerely,

Pastor Gregory

 

RELATED ARTICLE:  Obama causes lightning, cats, and suicide!

Ep 11: This video is about deep-fried lard and NOT ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING. Honest. No, really.

You should totally eat a pound of deep-fried lard every day. It will not make you fat. How do I know? Science has not proven that it will. Zach patiently goes through all of the explanations that “Lard will make you fat”-deniers use to disprove the so-called “science” that some people think shows that eating tons of lard will make you fat. But obviously, that is all just a big conspiracy.

Some people might think that this video is secretly a metaphor for arguments against climate change. That’s just silly.

St00pid liberals.

Make sure you subscribe to our Youtube Channel to get notified about the latest episodes of Heltzel’s View.

Video direct link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=04UHVVpCxV0

An alternative scientific theory of the true causes of climate change and global warming

Today I would like to take time to give an in-depth and serious reply to the following letter that I received from a reader, and brother in Christ:

Dear Pastor Gregory,

I’m writing to you poolside from Tampa, Florida drowning in a cocktail of sweat and suntan lotion. My sunburned and blistered hands, by the grace of God, can just barely tap the keys to type out this letter! With temperatures this high, you can imagine how shocked I was when I overheard co-workers talking about some news reports that HUMANS are melting the Antarctica ice sheet! Are these reports true? is climate change real? Or is this some kind of demonic plot Barack Hussein Obama has cooked up in attempts to take over America?

Warm blessings,

Freezing Fred

Thank you for writing to me with your confusion, Fred. I am happy to help ease your spiritual pain.

I’ve looked into this story your un-saved co-workers were babbling about and it turns out to be true…. BUT for very different reasons than they expected!

You see, liberal scientists love blaming Christian conservatives for everything! Barack Hussein Obama and his socialist base have attempted to blame global warming on conservatives, just because we are pro-business and anti-regulation! Like always, they’re trying to pass legislation that will fiscally suck the middle-class dry so they can liberally spend it on abortions and unemployment checks and other un-Christian things. May God have mercy on their souls!

But our fellow Bible-believing, God-fearing, Tea-Party leaning Christians have shared their knowledge of this topic with us already. It was just the other day our Sunshine State Senator Marco Rubio who in an appearance at the National Press Club made clear, “I do not believe that human activity is causing these dramatic changes to our climate the way these scientists are portraying it”  (emphasis added).

HE KNOWS THE TRUTH!

God also spoke directly through Rev. Pat Robertson saying, “It’s getting warmer in Jupiter—and they don’t have any SUVs driving around in Jupiter—it has nothing to do with greenhouse gases it has to do with the action of the sun, there’s either two much sun or not enough sun” (emphasis added).

HE KNOWS THE TRUTH!

We don’t need Obama-bought climate scientists to know why Earth is heating up and we definitely don’t need liberals like your co-workers blaming US! ALL WE NEED IS THE BIBLE! And in our Bible Jesus says sinners burn in Hell: “Depart from Me, you cursed, into the everlasting fire prepared for the devil and his angels.” (Matthew 25:41)

So, putting together all of the knowledge we have learned from Pat Robertson, Marco Rubio, and the Bible, we can come up with a conservative, theologically-correct, alternative scientific theory of global warming. And it is pretty clear:

The Earth is heating up because the sin of liberals is pulling the sun closer to the earth… and also to Jupiter!

It’s actually quite obvious, once you see it clearly. Here is a diagram that you can share with all of your friends to help them to understand:

A theologically-correct, conservative, alternative scientific theory of global warming that has no liberal bias!

So Brother Fred, stay strong in the Lord! With Holy-Spirit-boldness proclaim the gospel of hell-fire-and-brimstone to your co-workers, hold nothing back, for if we cannot change their evil ways, God’s Wrath will burn the planet to a crisp!

We’ll pray for snow in Florida, anything is possible with God on our side!

In Jesus Name,

Pastor Gregory

10 reasons conservatives CANNOT believe in the Big Bang Theory

God versus Big Bang Theory of the origin of the universe has receive supporting evidence recently

God versus Big Bang Theory of the origin of the universe has receive supporting evidence recently

Once again, science has found even more evidence for the “Big Bang Theory” of the origins of the universe. This whole “evidence” situation has gotten so bad that plenty of conservatives are ready to give up on their deeply-held beliefs. “So what if the universe is billions of years old?” they say. “After all, I can still believe that God  was the one who created the Big Bang in the first place, right?”

WRONG!!!!!!!

This kind of thinking completely ignores the stark realities of the political world we live in today. To understand the conservative position on the origin of the universe, you have to understand conservative psychology.

To that end, here are 10 good reasons why no real conservative can ever, ever, EVER accept the Big Bang theory of the creation of the universe:

1. If you admit the universe is old, THE OTHER SIDE WINS

And they will gloat. And they will rub it in your face. You don’t want that, do you?

2. If you admit the universe is old, YOU ARE BETRAYING YOUR OWN KIND

Plenty of Republican politicians have gotten up in front of people and said they don’t believe in the Big Bang. If you suddenly say that you are a conservative, and you do believe in the Big Bang… well, they’ll just feel stupid, won’t they? These are good people, with honest hearts. Why would you do that to them? Huh? Why?

3. If God meant us to believe in things like “background radiation” and “quarks”, they would be in the Bible

The Hebrew word for “quark” is קווארק and it doesn’t appear anywhere in Genesis. Genesis mentions everything that is important: animals, plants, people, sea monsters, and so on. Obviously, these “quark” things that physicists talk about are not important.

4. God would never do that

It’s pretty clear that God’s entire focus is just on human beings and nothing else, and creating a big universe that existed for billions of years just makes no sense. What a waste of time.

5. If the Big Bang theory might be right, then THE LIBERALS WIN

We can’t allow them to be right about ANYTHING. At all. Don’t you understand????

6. The Big Bang theory is just a trick to get people to believe in evolution

We can’t allow people to believe the Big Bang theory, because it’s a slippery slope. If they believe the Big Bang theory, next they might believe evolution. If they believe evolution, it automatically follows that all morality is relative and people can marry squid and mass murder may as well be acceptable DO YOU WANT TO LIVE IN THAT HELL HOLE????

7. The Big Bang theory is just a tool to make you feel less special

According to the Big Bang theory, you’re not special. But that is mean, why would anyone tell you that you’re not special??? You ARE SPECIAL. And you deserve to feel special. See? I told you the Big Bang theory was wrong.

8. If you admit that religious people might be wrong about the age of the earth, you are BETRAYING YOUR RELIGION.

Think of all of those nice people at church. These are people you spend Sundays with, and trade baked goods with. They are nice people, who care about you. They are sweet and generous. Why would you BETRAY THEM by saying that the earth is more than 6,000 years old? Why would you do such a thing? WHY?

9. Barack Obama believes in the Big Bang theory

Actually, he’s never said that publicly. But he just looks like the kind of person who does. You don’t want to agree with Barack Obama about anything. People might think you’re a socialist. Or a demon. Or pervert. Or a socialist demon-pervert.

10. If the Big Bang theory is right, THE OTHER SIDE WINS

Did you not get the memo? It’s us against them. You HAVE to believe that the universe is 6,000 years old. You have to, because that’s what our side believes. If you believe something different, it’s like you are rooting for the other team to win. And they are bad people. They believe in murdering fetuses and sodomizing each other. You don’t want people like THAT to win, do you? DO YOU?????

 


 

Help the cause by passing around these stickers:

I don't believe #1 I don't believe #2I don't believe #3

How to argue like a fanatic! (5 easy tips!)

Rational debate is for sinners. Learn how to debate like a fanatic.
Rational debate is for sinners. Learn how to debate like a fanatic.
Remember: if you can make the other person flustered or angry, or you can get him to give up, that means that you won and he is objectively wrong.

If you are a true American conservative, then you are a fanatic. That is not an insult! It is a compliment. You should wear it with pride. The word “fanatic” uses the same root as the word “fan”.  Aren’t you a fan of Jesus? Aren’t you a fan of free market economics? Of course you are! As conservatives, we know what we know, and we believe what we believe. That makes us proud fanatics.

Unfortunately, I see too many conservatives balking and getting tongue-tied on social media, unable to argue effectively with “liberals” (which is really just a synonym or “atheists” or “disgusting perverts”). The purpose of this report is to arm you, as the second amendment requires, with the skills to effectively debate liberals with the gusto that a true conservative fanatic deserves.

1. “You’re just a hater.”

No matter what the topic, this is an effective and intelligent debate tool that any religious or political conservative can use. Whether your opponent is trying to convince you the believe in evolution or minimum wage, you know that the only reason they could possibly disagree with you is because he is a deeply troubled, angry human being who hates you personally, not just your ideas. Point this out to him.  Here is an example:

Them: “Recent biological experiments have actually demonstrated in the laboratory that one species of organism can evolve into another.”

You: “Haters gonna hate!”

See how simple it is? Guaranteed to stop an angry liberal in his tracks!

2. “Oh yeah? Well, look what it says about you!”

This line is best delivered in a calm, collected, even intellectual tone. (You may need to practice this in the mirror a few times to get it right.) The more calmly you state it, the more it will infuriate your opponent.  For example:

Them: “How can you possibly believe that the earth is literally only 6,000 years old, when we have actual historical records of human civilizations going back tens of thousands of years!”

You: “You seem like you’re taking this very personally. Maybe you should look in the mirror, and ask: what does it say about you that you get so angry when someone states the simple fact that the earth is only 6,000 years old?”

3. “Your motivations are suspect.”

Another great technique for effective philosophical debate is to question the other person’s motives. It actually doesn’t matter if you know the other person at all. In fact, it doesn’t even really matter whether your accusation is correct. Just go with your gut, throw out some kind of wild speculation, and it will definitely throw him off his guard. For example:

Them: “Historical data gives no support to the idea that cutting taxes is the best economic solution to unemployment. In fact, although Reagan’s tax cuts did correlate with an increase in jobs, Clinton’s tax increases lead to an even larger job increases.”

You: “I think what’s really going on here is that you’re jealous of me, and intimidated by my success, and you’re just arguing with me because you want to try to put me in my place.”

A total winner as a debate strategy!

4. “Too many words!”

You may have noticed that many liberals just go on and on. It’s almost as if they are trying to spell out clearly and carefully a logical argument that steps through, point by point, to a conclusion.  But you know that in reality they are just trying to BULLY YOU WITH WORDS. Don’t stand for it. Point it out. And make sure to use the word “bully”: it’s a liberal buzzword and will make them go all red in the face. Like this:

Them: “The reason that the top 5% of income earners pay more than half of the total tax revenue is that the income distribution in this country is so skewed. This statistic is thrown out there because it makes an emotional appeal and makes it seem like there is an unfair tax burden on the rich, but the fact is that even if we had a completely flat tax rate, if the average income of the top 1% is more than 700 times the average income of the bottom 50%, then the top 1% will still pay almost all of the total tax revenue. It’s basic mathematics, and doesn’t reflect the unfairness of the tax rate system, but rather the inequality in the income distribution.”

You: “I feel like you’re trying to bully me by writing such a long comment!”

What can they say after that? You’ve basically won the argument.

5. “Gosh, you’re so intolerant!”

Finally, there is one thing that you, as a proud conservative, must always remember: If other people don’t completely and unquestioningly bow down to every single one of your opinions, then they are being intolerant of your beliefs. Plus, you can get a kind of smirky satisfaction by finally calling someone else intolerant, since you have to constantly put up with people calling you a bigot day in and day out. (I’m sure people constantly call you a bigot. It happens to all conservatives. Nobody understands why.)

Them: “Gay people should be allowed to marry each other if they want to.”

You: “Why are you trying to oppress me and wipe out Christianity? You are being so intolerant!”

 


 

So keep these tips in mind! No longer will you be unwittingly forced into complicated sciencey arguments about “evidence” or “logic”, which really just means you’re dancing in the Devil’s playground. Now, you can argue like a real conservative.

God speaks through Ham to make a prophecy for 2016.

The United States Constitution
The United States Constitution
The United States Constitution, as it should have been written.

In a TV aired debate between Bill Nye and Ken Ham, the secular lies of science were utterly demolished by the truths of God’s Word. God spoke through Ham to prove the Earth is 6,000 years old, that Adam and Eve road around on dinosaurs, and that human beings were the cause for everything evil in the Universe.

But God also had a greater plan: God was using this debate to establish Ken Ham’s 2016 presidential campaign!

If you can read between the lines, like I can, you will see that Ken Ham was not just obliterating the mythical secular scientism of Bill Nye…. He was actually proposing legislative policy! He was basically giving his first State of the Union address. Consider these three quotes:

“God invented marriage. By the way. That’s where marriage comes from and it’s to be a man and a woman.”

“Get rid of old people, I mean why not? They’re just animals and they’re costing us a lot of money. Abortion. Get rid of spare cats and spare kids, we’re all animals.”

“It’s the Creationists that should be educating the kids out there. Because we’re teaching them the right way to think.”

God was clearly using the power of His Holy Spirit to penetrate the head of Ham, forcing him to speak in a trance like state, and articulate the perfect Republican campaign platform… even if it did consist mainly of unconnected sentence fragments.

With nearly a one million YouTube views already, this easily-won-debate has stirred the hearts and minds of Americans everywhere. How can we interpret the popularity of this video, except to think that Ham was a complete success? And, God willing, he will be the next Republican President! Ken Ham 2016!

Schroedinger’s Hannity

Erwin Schroedinger is an Austrian physicist who came up with a very interesting thought-experiment to demonstrate the curious properties of quantum mechanics… and also the Republican Party.

The thought experiment is called Schroedinger’s Hannity.

Schroedinger's HannityImagine, if you will, a box that is entirely closed so that no part of the inside can be observed from the outside.

Inside this box, President Obama is about to make a decision about a particularly controversial, delicate and sensitive issue: for example, how to respond to the chemical weapons attacks in Syria. After some period of time, President Obama makes a decision… however, because he is inside the box, nobody outside the box yet knows what the decision is. It’s possible that Obama has decided to bomb Syria, and it’s possible that he has decided not to bomb Syria. It could go either way.

Although nobody outside the box knows what decision Obama has made, it just so happens that Sean Hannity is also inside the box.

As you know, what Sean Hannity believes about Syria depends completely on what Obama decides to do.  If President Obama decides to bomb Syria, then Hannity will believe that nothing good could possibly come of bombing Syria and it could very well start mass chaos and destruction. On the other hand, if President Obama decides not to bomb Syria, then Hannity will believe that anything short of bombing Syria immediately is a sign of weakness and “leading from behind”.


 

According to the very complex theory of quantum political mechanics, while the state of Obama’s decision is unknown,  it actually exists in a superposition of states, in which Obama simultaneously has decided to bomb Syria and not to bomb Syria. A direct and unavoidable causal consequence of this, however, is that poor Sean Hannity is forced to simultaneously believe both that nothing good could possibly come of bombing Syria and that the only possible good decision would be to bomb Syria.

When Schroedinger originally proposed this thought experiment, he intended it to be an illustration of how ridiculous quantum mechanics (and possibly also American politics) is.  His assumption was that everyone would immediately recognize that a world in which Sean Hannity could simultaneously believe that bombing Syria was the correct and the incorrect decision would just be absurd.

But that’s just liberal bias.

Not only does the reality of Sean Hannity’s behavior support the Schroedinger’s Hannity hypothesis… , but eminent physicist Stephen Colbert was also able to replicate this thought experiment, substituting Rand Paul for Sean Hannity in the box.

This is obviously not a “contradiction” for Republicans… it’s just quantum mechanics at work.

 

[Post Scriptum: If you don’t understand what this story is in reference to, please see: Schroedinger’s Cat]

Dinosaur sex has a liberal bias!

Buttsex killed the dinosaurs

Recently the liberal-leaning news source, National Public Radio (NPR), published an article by Robert Krulwhich in which he discusses the inability for scientists to figure out how dinosaurs mated. This is a basic question that should easily be answered by scientists, but nonetheless they are unable to answer or even fabricate another wild theory (like “the Big Bang” or “global warming”) to give the illusion of an explanation.

Doesn’t this prove that dinosaurs are just a vast left-wing conspiracy?

These scientists want us to believe that the planet is 130 million years old and was populated by dinosaurs for thousands of years, but have no way of proving or even comprehending how these massive beasts were able to procreate. It is laughable.

As we know from the God-breathed Biblical perspective, procreation is a central purpose of life.

Well, the most central purpose is glorifying God. But in order to do this, we as humans are commanded by God to populate the Earth with other people and to dominate over the animals, land, and other life forms (Genesis 1:29-31).

If we follow this elementary logic we would begin to see very quickly that if these so-called brilliantly educated scientists cannot prove Dinosaurs were physically capable of producing more offspring, there is no reason to believe that they existed at all.

Why would the scientists weave this tall tale about dinosaurs and yet admit that they could not procreate? Is it a sinister way to fuse together the evolutionist agenda with the gay agenda? (Since gays also cannot procreate.)

We may never know the answer to this serious question.

Buttsex killed the dinosaurs

What Truth should Christians believe instead?

As a Biblical Christian, I think it is imperative to understand the world as God has told us it came into existence:

  1. God spoke the stars and Earth into existence by breathing out the complexity of life itself.
  2. God created two people, Adam and Eve, who were able to procreate and filled the entire Earth with billions of people using great, heterosexual, monogamous sex.
  3. But before this was possible, God banished them from a beautiful nudist garden of delight because they, tempted by a talking snake, ate the wrong fruit.
  4. The God of the Universe wasn’t willing to accept the gross rebellion of food choice. A perfect God cannot accept an apple-eating heathen.
  5. The garden was blocked off by two flaming swords that hid the wonders of the nudist-garden.

Now THAT makes much more sense than some weird fairy-story about sterile homo-sexing giant lizards.

 

RELATED ARTICLE: Australian rock art has liberal bias (+ gay animal butt sex)!

Radical new conservative movement denies that humans exist

Humans are a figment of God's imagination

In an effort to combat liberal bias in science, a new conservative religious movement fights “evolutionist propaganda” by denying that human creation ever happened.

Over the last several decades, there have been two major public fracas between Science and  Religion: Global Warming and Evolutionism. Although religious conservatives have had a great deal of success in convincing people that global warming is a hoax, they have not had the same level of success on the topic of evolution. Among the incredibly intelligent United States voters, only 41% believe in human-caused climate change, but a whole 63% believe in evolution in some form.

Obviously, conservatives have to step up their game in combating this evolutionism stuff.

Pastor William Jennings, of the First National Church of the Real Conservative Jesus, believes that this difference is due to a difference in the approach being made in each debate.

“In the debate about global warming, conservatives have taken the strongest, largest, hardest, most extreme position possible: they have simply denied that global warming exists at all. If they had taken some kind of wishy-washy, in-between stance, like insisting that global warming is happening but it’s too late to do anything about it, or that it’s happening but it’s not entirely caused by humans, then the message wouldn’t have been as effective,” explains Jennings. “The only way we have convinced people has been to be as extreme as possible.”

Jennings goes on to explain that this is not what conservatives have done in the evolution argument. “The real core question, philosophically, is how did humans come into existence? Instead of debating whether humans came into existence this way or that way, conservatives should follow the lead of Global Warming Deniers: simply deny that humans came into existence at all.”

 

Humans are a figment of God's imaginationThe First National Church of the Real Conservative Jesus has been teaching that in fact, human beings do not exist. If humans do not exist, and have always not existed, then there is no need to even ask the question of how they came into existence.

“It’s kind of a combination of Aristotelian philosophy and solipsism,” says Jennings. “Since God has always existed, and we are a figment of God’s imagination, then not only do we not exist, but we’ve been a figment of God’s imagination for an eternity. Therefore the whole idea of a ‘beginning’ of humanity is just the wrong question to ask.”

Although this philosophical movement is very new, it certainly seems to have a great deal of potential. Very recently, California Republican Rep. Dana Rohrabacher got a lot of press for claiming that global warming is a complete hoax perpetrated simply to try to generate a world government.

“If we could just convince people that the whole idea that humans were created at all is also a hoax,” suggests Jennings, “That just might be extreme enough to convince more people that evolution is wrong.  Or at least, to convince more Republicans.”

 

Olinguito has a liberal bias!

olinguito

olinguito

Liberal “scientists” claim to have discovered a new kind of mammal, called “olinguito”, in Colombia and Ecuador. Obviously this is part of a liberal plot to create a one-world government.

First of all, why were scientists even looking for animals in Colombia and Ecuador? Why not look for new animals in the good old U.S.A? Why should we trust American scientists who would rather do research on foreign countries? Has anyone seen their birth certificates?

Secondly, as House Science Committee member Paul Broun (R-GA)  points out, these animals are not mentioned in the Bible and therefore must not exist. The Bible doesn’t mention a place called “Ecuador”, either, by the way.

Finally, what’s with that name? “Olinguito” sounds either like a kind of pasta or the name of a the child of an illegal immigrant, and either way it definitely does NOT sound American.

Clearly, whatever this “olinguito” thing is…. it must be a liberal!!!!!

We have added the appropriate speech bubble to indicate this fact.

This water has liberal bias!

Liberal old water

Liberal old water

All good conservatives know that the earth is no more than 6,000 years old. So what kind of dastardly trick is going on with this water?

According to the radical left-wing propaganda publication USA Today, liberal “scientists” have found water that is 1.5 billion year.s old.

This is obviously stupid and ridiculous, since every good conservative knows that the earth is only 6,000 years old.  Plus, how can you tell how old water is?  I mean, they say they measured the age of this water using decaying radioactive atoms found in the water itself.   But that just sounds like sciencey mumbo-jumbo to me.

Let me ask you this: when you look at a glass of water, can you tell how old it is?  I thought not.

It’s pretty clear that this water is both demonic and liberal and just trying to trick good conservatives into not believing in the Bible.

That’s right, I said it!  This is LIBERAL WATER!  

We have added the appropriate speech bubble in the above photo to signify this fact.

UNSKEWED GRAPH: Scientists split on climate change

Scientists split on climate change

Scientists split on climate change

As a public service, we have created this graph to illustrate the virtual dead heat between scientists who accept climate change as a theory, and those who do not accept it.

There have been a number of articles recently that have presented this same data, but with very biased graphs that seem to suggest that scientists almost all believe in climate change.

In order to counter this propaganda, we advise you to begin disseminating the above graph immediately.  As you can see, it accurately represents the conservative view that both sides are pretty much the same.

If anyone suggests anything else, well that must just be liberal bias!!

 

graph data source: TheContributor.com

related articles:
Federal Spending Graph: UNSKEWED!,
There are two sides to every story, and one of them is socialist.

The GOP applauds the New England Blizzard for not giving in to “global warming”

Belief in climate change by party and temperature

 

Belief in climate change by party and temperature

In honor of blizzard “Nemo”, which buried New England under feet of snow this past weekend, we are ready to reveal a new GOP strategy to win over independent voters: MORE BLIZZARDS.

The above graph, recently published in the research journal “Climate and Society”, tells you everything you need to know. It shows how people who identify with different political parties (Democrat, Republican, and Independent) are affected by unusual changes in temperature. The basic findings of the study are as follows:

1) Republicans are always right: they have a very low probability of believing in climate change, no matter what the temperature is outside. Good for them.

2) Democrats are always wrong: they have a very high probability of believing in climate change, no matter what the temperature is outside.  Obviously that means they have been indoctrinated and are so ideologically skewed that nothing will change their minds.

3) Independents believe in climate change when it is warm outside, and do not believe in climate change when it’s cold outside.

 

Following the release of this study, the GOP has announced a new plank in the Republican Party Platform: Republicans are now officially “Pro-Winter Storm”!

For the sake of conservatism and the Republican party, we therefore would like to propose that from now on Presidential Elections only be held on the days of or immediately following really bad winter storms.

 

After all, just look at the graph above: the numbers make is clear that high temperatures just lead to liberal bias!!!

 

graph data source: Hamilton & Stampone in Weather, Climate and Society (2013)
graph found via: ScienceDaily.com