Re: Re: Re: Re: Freddy-boy Phelps is ALL YOURS, JC! FOFLLLL

Fred Phelps is dead, and will probably go to heaven
Fred Phelps is dead, and will probably go to heaven
Fred Phelps is dead. According to the rules, he goes to heaven. That’s where things get a little awkward.

I have no intention of explaining how the correspondence which I now offer to the public fell into my hands. These emails between two very high-ranking members of the church would obviously normally be private. Once I gained access to them, however, I felt it was my duty and obligation to leak them to the public.

Note: Please do not try to make sense of the timestamps on these emails. Clearly the inhabitants of the astral planes measure and experience time differently from us, and use their own notation.

Enjoy.


date: 13.0.1.4.13 | 2 B’en | 11 kumk’u | G3 T 93458995
from: Satan <lucifer@pandemonium.underworld.co.astral>
to: Jesus <datsmisterjc2u@primum.astral>
subject: Freddy-boy Phelps is going to YOU, JC! FOFLLLL
hahaha looks like I beat you at your own game rookie! That douche Fred Phelps was doing it all in your name. He’s been praying that silly prayer of salvation for years! He invites you into his heart and then tells the entire world you hate them. Suckerrrrr.
date: 13.0.1.4.13 | 2 B’en | 11 kumk’u | G3 T 98123337
from: Jesus <datsmisterjc2u@primum.astral>
to: Satan <lucifer@pandemonium.underworld.co.astral>
subject: Re: Freddy-boy Phelps is going to YOU, JC! FOFLLLL
No way he’s YOURS, bitch!We’ve been in meetings all day but the Holy Spirit, the Father, and I are re-working the way we let folks in da hiz-ouse. No more of that silly “accept me into your heart” crap.You get Fred. Ain’t nobody got time for that up in here!The Arch Angel Michael has already chained himself to the gates to protest the idea that he might have to deal with Phelps. Ugh.
date: 13.0.1.4.14 | 3 Ix | 12 kumk’u | G4 T 00104562
from: Satan <lucifer@pandemonium.underworld.co.astral>
to: Jesus <datsmisterjc2u@primum.astral>
subject: Re: Re: Freddy-boy Phelps is going to YOU, JC! FOFLLLL
I never thought I’d say this, so don’t go running your holy rolling mouth, but I can’t have someone who might very well be MORE OF A JERK THAN I AM hanging around.I created that monster, and I’m pretty damn proud….. but the WHOLE POINT was that he’d be sent up with y’all!!!!HE’S A CHRISTIAN WHO FOLLOWS YOUR RULES. Not my problem, JC! Not my problem!PS. I may or may not have dared Michael to do that protest. Did you see the one sign he held, “God Hates Fred!” – see what I did there? Muahaha
date: 13.0.1.4.14 | 3 Ix | 12 kumk’u | G4 T 00199997
from: Jesus <datsmisterjc2u@primum.astral>
to: Satan <lucifer@pandemonium.underworld.co.astral>
subject: Re: Re: Re: Freddy-boy Phelps is going to YOU, JC! FOFLLLL
You DO REALIZE I’m the one in charge here! MY kingdom. I let you play your little evil games, but I could stop you at any point IF I WANTED TO. Fred goes to you, end of story. Don’t make me give u a beat down.You know I can’t have a homophobe all up in here! We play harps and fly around on clouds half naked, for dad’s sake! Not to mention, I just “came out” to heaven a few centuries ago and everyone is still camping out on that one silly verse Paul wrote in Romans – GOD DIDN’T EVEN MEAN THAT WTF!!!!!111
date: 13.0.1.4.14 | 3 Ix | 12 kumk’u | G4 T 00436532
from: Satan <lucifer@pandemonium.underworld.co.astral>
to: Jesus <datsmisterjc2u@primum.astral>
subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Freddy-boy Phelps is going to YOU, JC! FOFLLLL
Bwahahaha! What-EVER. I love that “your people” hate just about everyone different from them. Fred’s no different, just the best at it! He even hates you!But this is why I love you so much, bro. “if you wanted to”??? u just admitted that you LET ME DO ALL MY DIRTY WORK!!Doesn’t that make YOU the bad guy? Sinner.

Ellen Page’s sexuality destroyed my marriage!

This is what all lesbians look like
This is what all lesbians look like
Apparently this is what the well-dressed lesbian is wearing in today’s society. No wonder she’s destroying marriages!

When I heard that Ellen Page delivered an amazing speech that took YouTube by storm, I was really excited. I mean, sure, she is Canadian, but that is okay. After all, she was the girl who as a teenager became pregnant out of wedlock and decided not to have an abortion, so she must be a God-fearing patriot.

People tell me that “Juno” is not a documentary, but it has to be. I mean, there’s simply no way anybody could write dialogue that realistic.

But then I actually watched the speech!! I had been ambushed. Ellen Page was about to reveal herself as a proudly gay woman!

Naturally, my first thought was: “How is this going to affect me???”

I do not need to tell you about the dangers of homosexuality. Everybody knows that the acceptance of homosexuality in a society leads to rampant bestiality and NBC viewership.

But if you need even more proof, I received an email yesterday from Sterling Dalton of Arlington, TX, who wrote me with a harrowing story which he gave me permission to publish.

Hi Zach,First, I would just like to say that you are an inspiration to REAL conservatives all over the country. Your ability to cut through the facts and expose the pervasiveness of the liberal agenda is commendable. You made me realize that liberal atheist muslims are everywhere, and I am eternally grateful.

I regret that I must write you with hate in my heart. Not healthy hate, like hate for people who think it is okay to press 1 for English. But hate toward my wife, who just one week ago I shared my 24th wedding anniversary with. Our marriage was perfect. We have three boys together and they are very straight.

At least, all of that was true….. until Ellen Page came out of the closet!

As soon as I heard the news, the walls began to bend. There was a ringing in my ears. Everything got kind of fuzzy. I don’t know what happened next. I woke up in a ditch off Interstate 30. I hitchhiked back into town to find that my house had burned down and my wife was staying at her mother’s house. Nobody would tell me where the kids were, and the police said I was not allowed to know.

It was just like Pat Robertson said, I’m sure. The feminist agenda made Ellen Page convince my wife to leave me, kill my children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become a lesbian.

I just makes me so sad, Zach. I have never met Ellen Page, so why did she so maliciously use her sexuality to ruin my marriage? Please help me, Zach. You’re America’s only hope to fight against the way that what happens in private bedrooms is ruining the lives of Christians everywhere.

Sincerely,
Sterling Dalton

NEXT READ: Obamacare will completely destroy marriage… probably