Republicans reassert “penis power” for 2015-16 Congress

Penis Power: 9 Republican Dicks

Republicans on Wednesday outlined a new “path to the future” by announcing that nine white men would be named to coveted leadership positions when the new Congress begins in January.

Speaker John Boehner denied that there had been any kind of “ litmus test” in the selection process, mansplaining that his party no longer used litmus tests as they were “way too sciencey sounding.”

“Each of these fellas has the testicular fortitude we need to lead our nation forward,” proclaimed Boehner, heaping specific praise on Paul Ryan as “someone with the balls to tell any woman exactly what the government and/or her employer expects of her in terms of managing her ladyparts.”

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell hailed the announcement, saying: “We now have a House Leadership team that reflects the true mosaic of today’s party, from the baby powder white of Tom Price from Georgia to the old lace of Steve Chabot from Ohio to the eggshell of Utah’s Jason Chaffetz.”

“Mad Men” creator Matthew Weiner said the new GOP lineup looked surprisingly familiar to anyone who had watched Season One of his popular show: “The attention to detail is astonishing,” he said. “They’ve really captured both the look and the depressingly sexist attitudes of 1960 in such an authentic, effortless way.”

Meanwhile, in a blow for women’s rights activists, comedian Sarah Silverman announced that she would take the only logical course of action to succeed in 21st Century America and “become a dude.”