Ep 16: Living in a Christian Nation: Republican thoughts on God and the law

Conservatives take for granted that we live in a Christian nation. But what does that mean? Zach pulls together quotes from today’s top conservative thinkers to explain the conservative view on law and religion.

Zach includes quotes from Sarah Palin, Rick Santorum, Mike Huckabee, Michael Hill and a special conservative guest at 2:11… you’ll never believe who it is!

 

Make sure you subscribe to our Youtube Channel to get notified about the latest episodes of Heltzel’s View.

Video direct link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SCGknoLG0Mw

Sarah Palin’s brain damage and guaranteed 2016 presidential run

This past weekend, a video of Sarah Palin giving a speech started making its rounds on the internet, starting out on Crooks and Liars and eventually spreading to several other websites. Sarah Palin is known for giving speeches unburdened by grammatical limitations, but this excerpt seems extreme even for her.  You can watch the video or read the transcript below:

Partial transcript:

It is nice to be back in the mile-high city. I just think it’s absolutely beautiful flying in, you know, you’re over the snow-capped hills, I think you call them mountains, I’m from Alaska. So gorgeous yeah step off the plane. Todd reminds me we’re in Colorado don’t inhale. So the president was here last week too, huh, getting his rocky mountain high on busy week for him. Spinning from one scandal to another scandal must have had some vertigo. The middle east exploding in chaos and this time and the open border crisis no time to visit the border but time to shoot some pool and his whistle and grin real big for icky photo ops that he just really really hates and he raked in big bucks with big parties with fat cats, his term not my term, this in a border state, he was. The president he so disparages these cats in public but in private there’s a whole lotta cuddling and purring and tummy tickling with the one who feeds them.

Although many websites have mockingly wondered if she is drunk or high, we received a tip from a neurological expert that her speech precisely fits the symptoms of a neurological disorder called Wernicke’s Aphasia!!!

What is Wernicke’s Aphasia?

Wernicke’s Aphasia is a speech disorder that occurs when a person has damage to the posterior portion of the left side of the brain. This damage may be the result of a stroke or some kind of damage, such as what might result from accidentally driving a railroad spike through your own skull.

The Aphasia Center website describes the symptoms this way: “[A] person with this type of aphasia may have difficulty understanding what you are saying to him. While he may nod or socially act as though he understands, what he is hearing is often not what you are saying. Fluent speech means that he is speaking in extended sentences, although the content of those sentences may be full of neologisms and paraphasias. A neologism is made up word [and] aparaphasia can be when I mean to say “cook”, but instead I say “sook”, or “look”.”

The Aphasia.com website describes the syndrome like this: “You may have serious comprehension difficulties and be unable to grasp the meaning of spoken words. Yet you may be able to produce fluent, connected speech. What you say, however, is in most cases a series of meaningless words that sound like sentences, but don’t make sense, and you may not even realize that your speech is incorrect.”

These descriptions characterize a large number of Palin’s speeches over the years, but this latest video indicates that she may now be — deliberately? — manifesting the symptoms more strongly.

How does this impact Sarah Palin’s 2016 Presidential Run?

The Republican Party has a long history of trying to increase their appeal to a broader audience, not by actually changing any of their positions on issues, but by simply coming up with people who belong to different “minority” groups in hopes that it will get people to vote for them. Many believe that this was how Sarah Palin was chosen as a Vice Presidential candidate in the first place, although it also explains other Republican political choices as well (“Nine Nine Nine!!!”).

Could Sarah Palin’s speech this past weekend be Sarah Palin positioning herself for her run against Hilary Clinton in 2016?Could Sarah Palin be planning to outflank Hilary Clinton by being not only a woman… but a woman with a neurological disorder???

This could potentially create a very serious problem for Democrats in 2016. After all, if Democrats are faced with a choice between voting for a woman, and voting for a neurologically impaired woman, their bleeding-heart affirmative-action liberal ideology pretty much demands that they vote for the latter, right?

RIGHT????

 

Ukraine crisis update! Sarah Palin calls Putin again… (VIDEO)

If anyone has demonstrated wisdom and experience with foreign policy, it’s Sarah Palin. If you don’t believe it, check out this all new video of what a real conversation between Sarah Palin and Putin would probably go like…. if it ever happened.

Make sure to watch the video, and “like” it on Youtube if you find it worthy! Also follow The Lipstick Liberal Show for more parodies like this!

Video direct link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5nFdIMyVgMc

Putin gets on the phone with Sarah Palin

Sarah Palin’s 2014 New Year’s Resolution

The Lipstick Liberal does a dramatic reading of Sarah Palin’s warning of the future of America in 2014 and beyond, if angry atheist lawyers and secular liberals take over the country.

The quotes are straight from Palin’s book, “Great Tidings, Great Joy”, in which Sarah warns of Nativity scenes full of Astronauts, Darwin’s and Baby Jane.

Seriously, its in Chapter 6, we can’t make this sh*t up!

Make sure to watch the video, and “like” it if you find it worthy! Also follow the WinkProgress Youtube channel for more collaborative videos like this one!

Video direct link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wL4azyE4CFw

Palin New Years Resolution

The 10 Best REAL American Patriots of 2013

2013 was a complicated year for the conservative movement, filled with ups and downs.

After losing the Presidency again to Barack Hussein Obama, thanks to the corporate media, patriots in Congress successfully shut down the government in order to send Obama’s approval ratings plummeting. It was revealed that 100% of people enrolled in Obamacare will eventually die.

We are now closer than ever before to full repeal, giving millions of Americans the freedom to not have health coverage and be forced to file for bankruptcy when faced with unforeseen medical problems. Thank goodness liberty is not yet dead in America.

Yet, picking the ten most exemplary conservatives of 2013 is a daunting task. The RINO (Republican in name only) is not yet extinct. The Democrat party will continue in 2014 to drop imposters into our family to tear us apart from the inside.

But at least we have these ten REAL American patriots who showed their stuff in 2013!

10. Saxby Chambliss
saxbymugLast year, the documentary The Invisible War was released, earning an Oscar nomination and blowing the lid off an epidemic of rape and sexual assault in the military. Since, there has been public pressure and bipartisan movement on passing legislation to remedy the institutional practices that allow for this behavior to flourish.

But luckily Saxby Chambliss (R-Georgia) was there to speak out against people who are opposed to the rape of men and women in the military. He very scientifically pointed out that rape is nothing more than the product of “the hormone level created by nature.”

Thank you, Saxby Chambliss. “Boys will be boys” IS a suitable defense for an institution that does little to prevent rape and stifles the efforts of victims to get justice! Tell it like it is.

9. Paula Deen
deenmug
The first of several non-politicians on this list who were persecuted by the corporate media when they acted upon their Constitutional rights, Paula Deen stuck up for herself while being attacked for things any great American would do.

When asked in a deposition whether she had used the N-word, Deen answered “Yes, of course”. And for some reason, people acted shocked by the idea that an older woman from the South would say a word that every older woman from the South says.

Since it’s obvious that racism in America no longer exists, what’s the big deal if you also plan a “true Southern plantation-style” wedding with an all-black wait staff? Obviously it can’t be racist if an old, white woman from the South does it.

8. Rush Limbaugh
Ronald-Regan-at-lost-pines-art-bazaar
For conservatives and Democrat party sympathizers alike, Rush Limbaugh is the gift that keeps on giving. The latter love to use Limbaugh as the poster child for everything “wrong” with the conservative movement, while we real Americans know that he is actually the sole remaining horcrux of Ronald Reagan.

I could write an entire top ten list of all the great things Limbaugh has said this year, but I will only highlight one in particular. Limbaugh recognized that the “war on women” is actually being fought by the Democrats, not by the Republicans who want to eradicate Planned Parenthood, an organization that uses the majority of its resources to provide affordable pap smears and mammograms to low-income women. As he eloquently put it, liberals are “demeaning [women], they’re turning them into nothing but abortion machines.”

Couldn’t have said it better myself. How dare women choose not to have children instead of increasing their dependence on the welfare state, which is also unacceptable… or something.

7. Mike Huckabee
huckabee01
Mike Huckabee would have been on this list just because his performances with his band on the weekend Fox show that shares his name are simply adorable. Huckabee is the embodiment of everything right with the Republicans party: he says things that pinko-commie liberals say are “horrifying”, and he says them in the most folksy, likable way.

Nothing reflects this better than this comment he made on homosexical marriage. “Holy matrimony is formed into an unholy pretzel,” Huckabee said this year.

Think about what he is saying there. Now think about it some more. I can only assume he is talking about pretzel dogs when he says “unholy pretzel,” because men have wieners and pretzel dogs are literally wieners covered in pretzel. So next time you go to Auntie Ann’s, remember that men are having gay sex with your food.

6. Rand Paul
randpaul
As a journalist, I take my job very seriously. Never have I tried to use sarcasm and satire to prove a point contrary to what my words literally say. I am genuinely a conservative. In no way does my personal Facebook page say I am “very liberal,” nor am I the Vice President of my university’s Young Democrats club. I have never shot marijuana into my veins, nor did I once have a not-entirely unpleasant gay experience at space camp.

This is why I absolutely do not mind when people like Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) plagiarize from writers like myself, who make our living on the value of our intellectual property. Rand Paul believes in free markets and free people, so why should he be held under the tyrannical rules of copyright law? As long as he is plagiarizing from people who say the right thing, that’s fine.

I would love if Rand Paul plagiarized from me, personally.

5. Todd Kincannon
Todd Kincannon
You’re probably wondering “Who is Todd Kincannon?” He is the former executive director of the South Carolina GOP, and I’m sure this is not the last you will hear from him. The GOP is currently looking to the future with a lack of real leaders going forward. Names like Marco Rubio and Chris Christie get thrown into the mix, but the real future of conservative politics is this man. He says what he thinks and does so with such flair that he will continue to rustle the jimmies of liberals for years to come.

All of his insightful remarks have come from social networking site Twitter, which means he’s young and hip with the cool kids. On October 14, Kincannon said “There are people who respect transgender rights. And there are people who think you should all be put in a camp. That’s me.”

Months before that, he tweeted “It hasn’t been this dark in the Superdome since all those poors occupied it after Hurricane Katrina” during the Super Bowl when there was a power outage during the game. While these comments got national media attention, nobody in the GOP showed any disgust with Kincannon….

……and why would they?

4. Phil Robertson
Man With Beard
Phil Robertson is an American hero for one simple reason. He managed to get all of your Facebook friends who could not care less about politics or the Constitution to suddenly transform into experts on the first amendment.

Robertson, star of the hit A&E reality show Duck Dynasty, where a bunch of rich guys act like poor guys, said a number of completely reasonable things that any real American Christian would believe,  like that gays are “full of hate and murder” and that black people were “happier before the civil rights movement”.

According to 31 of my 34 Facebook friends (I’m very popular), it is actually the LIBERALS who are intolerant of Phil Robertson! To fire anybody because of their beliefs is covered under free speech provided by the first amendment, and having ANY problem with his comments is discrimination against him as a Christian. Make sense? No? Too bad.

3. George Zimmerman
George Zimmerman
George Zimmerman is an inspiration to all of us, not only as an American patriot but simply as a human being. He taught us all this year to never let anyone stop you from doing what you know in your heart is white…I mean, right.

When the police told him not to pursue a teenager walking home from a convenience store who Zimmerman was a threat, he didn’t listen. When the American public demanded “Justice for Trayvon,” he defied them and was acquitted of all charges. When his legal counsel told him to lay low after the trial, he immediately pulled a person out of a car and had the cops called on him twice for domestic disturbances.

Zimmerman’s story is the American story. Whenever he has the opportunity to intervene in a situation he has no business to be a part of, he does so anyway. What could possibly be more American than that?

2. Sarah Palin
Sarah Palin
Sarah Palin is the Joan of Arc of our times. She is a warrior in every sense of the word, whether she’s hunting big game or seeking vengeance against anyone she may disagree with… or even worse, who criticizes her.

Remember in 2008 when she just about said ad infinitum that President Obama associates himself with terrorists? Nobody reprimanded her for this; it has been lost to history. In the same year, Katie Couric was taken through the ringer for trying to embarrass her on national television. Five years later, Palin’s immunity remains just as strong.

This year, Palin compared the national debt to “slavery” and was not called out by anybody for this… except by one person. That person was MSNBC host Martin Bashir, who said her analogy was “abominable to anyone who knows anything about slavery’s barbaric history” and went into a graphic description of how slaves were treated, directly from the diary of Thomas Thistlewood. He went on to say “When Mrs. Palin invokes slavery, she doesn’t just prove her rank ignorance. She confirms if anyone truly qualified for a dose of discipline from Thomas Thistlewood, she would be the outstanding candidate.” In layman’s terms, he said that somebody should poop in her mouth.

Guess who no longer works for MSNBC. Guess who still is a frequent contributor to Fox News. Sarah Palin is the most powerful conservative in the country and completely immune to criticism. Only one person could even dream of matching that kind of power over the political discourse in 2013, and that person is…

1. Zach Heltzel
Zach Heltzel is the only true patriot
Me.

When I was first approached by LiberalBias.com to be a guest commentator in September of 2012, I was asked to bring a unique perspective to the site, which continues to lead the internet in exposing liberal bias. The site has grown exponentially in the last year thanks to the efforts of editor-in-chief Greg Stevens and the rest of the staff.

More importantly, LiberalBias has been the ONLY source of shocking breaking news that has resulted in all of us being placed on numerous government watchlists. In the last 12 months, this is what I have brought to light:

As traditional news media crumbles, I have single-handedly proven that intrepid reporting can still get through the filter of censorship and oppression by the Obama administration.

It’s safe to say I am the only person who can save America, and I promise I will not let you down.

How do Democrats keep winning elections? REVEALED!

I have never understood how liberals win elections.

Sure, every single media outlet (except this one) is part of the liberal agenda, but still. Supposedly, it is because minorities vote for Democrats. That does not make sense to me, because they are, by definition, in the minority.

It’s no wonder that patriotic states are enforcing new voter ID laws. Even if these laws prevent real people from voting, who cares? They’re voting for liberals and liberals are basically not Americans anyway.

However, after entire minutes of investigation, I have found that the truth behind how liberals win elections is literally unbelievable… and I can prove it!

On October 10th, the father of Newark Mayor Cory Booker passed away from Parkinson’s disease…or so that’s what they want you to think. Booker, who was running for New Jersey Senate, suspended all campaign events in order to grieve the loss. At the time, Booker held a steady lead in all the liberal polls, but was clearly losing to Republican opponent Steve Lonegan (if you unskewed the polls).

Six days later, Cory Booker won the special election by over 10 points. This was shocking to many, because not only did Lonegan have the support of popular New Jersey governor Chris Christie, but also senators Rand Paul and even liberal socialists like Ted Cruz. The only logical explanation is that there must be a connection between winning the election and his father’s death.

This is not the first time this sequence of events has occurred. On November 3, 2008, Barack Hussein Obama’s grandmother passed away in “Hawaii,” the fictional group of islands that Obama claims to be from and my parents claim to have gone on for their honeymoon.

The next day, Obama stunned the country by receiving more votes for President than Sarah Palin…I mean, John McCain. Literally nobody expected this, and yet it happened. I am not the first person to notice how fishy this is:  beforeitsnews.com theorized that Obama poisoned his grandmother with mercury because he did not want people to find out she was a communist, which makes much more sense than the bland suggestion that she was 86 years old and had a myriad of health problems that come with old age.

These two data points conclusively and undeniably prove that Democrats have to kill family members in order to win elections!

How exactly does that work, you might ask?

If you are anything like my mother, you may think this helps liberals win elections by making voters sympathetic to the candidates right before the election, effectively winning the last few days of the news cycle. But if you are anything like my mother, you’re wrong!

Democrat-loving Baphomet has liberal biasI asked my secret source within the Democratic National Committee, whom I cannot reveal, and he told me that with money from Van Jones and ACORN, they employ a demonologist to communicate with Baphomet, an ancient goat-headed deity commonly associated with the Illuminati. It is common knowledge that 1. the Illuminati is totally a real thing and 2. It got a Muslim atheist from Kenya that even makes John McCain look like a conservative elected President.

Is it possible that these otherwise inexplicable deaths were actually blood sacrifices to the Demon Baphomet?

Could it be that Democrats, in their desperate and craven quest for power have employed unholy forces that allow them to win elections against all odds or rational sense?

Is there even a remote chance that any of this is true???

We report, you decide.

 


 

There is only one inconsistency that makes me question my own theory. Sacrificial offerings to a higher power are a big part of the Old Testament, the only part of the Bible we know to be 100% factually accurate. Since all liberals are Muslim atheists who believe in helping their fellow man instead of the teachings of Jesus, why would they subscribe to beliefs held in the Old Testament? How could they?

Perhaps liberals are learning the way of the good book. Maybe there’s hope for them after all.

The Perfect Republican Candidate (Campaign Ad)

Liberal Bias Video presents a HALLOWEEN SPECIAL:

Dr. Frankenstein creates the PERFECT Republican candidate by piecing together the best qualities of the Tea Party favorites.

Make sure to watch the video, and “like” it if you find it worthy! Also follow the Liberal Bias Video Youtube channel for more collaborative videos like this one!

Video direct link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Js05nDZG4Qw

 

The Perfect Republican Candidate

 

The Tea Party Cat explains the 2012 election aftermath

Tea Party Cat

Tea Party Cat

In this exclusive interview for LiberalBias.com, Greg Stevens gets the Tea Party Cat to cut through political gaffes, backpedaling and misstatements to find out what our great conservative leaders will really be thinking after the 2012 election.


Greg Stevens [GS]:  One of your great talents as a powerful voice on the Right is your ability to state, in simple terms that everyone can understand, what our leaders are really thinking. We all know that people misspeak, and sometimes get quoted out of context. But even when politicians don’t quite say what they should, you have a talent for being able to decipher what they really mean.

Paul Ryan.Donald Duck

So if I can get your wisdom and insight on the record, exclusively for us here at Liberalbias.com, I would like us to take a look into the future at what our political leaders will really be thinking the day after the election. What do you say?

Tea Party Cat [TPC]: Well, as you know, for conservatives there are only two futures: apocalyptic futures where America is destroyed by 39% marginal tax rates on the rich, and bright futures where heroic (male) leaders restore America to its rightful place as absolute ruler of the world and impose fundamentalist Christianity and democracy on the world at the end of a tank barrel.

GS: That sounds right… so let’s start by imagining the worst case scenario: Obama has been re-elected.

TPC: That would be a real tragedy. The Koch brothers and Sheldon Adelson have invested a billion dollars in this election, and to have it stolen by voters would be horrible. If this happens, then it might deter billionaires from trying to buy future elections, which would mean even more control over our government by the moochers.

GS: If we could get him to admit it bluntly, what is Mitt Romney really thinking?

TPC: “Oh, well. Good thing we did this on the Koch and Adelson money instead of mine. And besides we skimmed plenty off the top from the SuperPACs for ‘management fees’, so it’s really no different than KB Toys.”

GS: And what is Paul Ryan really thinking?

TPC: “Good thing I stayed on the ballot for my congressional seat. Plus now I can write a book like Palin did and finally cash in on this.”

GS: And Barack Obama?

TPC: Well, that’s going to be more of a conversation like this:

Obama: “Bill, thanks for all your help in this campaign. What can I do to repay you?”
Bill Clinton: “Barack, you know what I want.”
Obama: “OK, I’ll hire back the Secret Service team that got caught with prostitutes in Colombia and assign them to your detail.”
Bill Clinton: “And?”
Obama: “And I’ll keep Hillary out of the country as much as possible.”

GS: And Sarah Palin?

TPC: “Don’t blame me. I backed Newt.”

GS: Newt Gingrich?

TPC: “Hello, Sheldon [Adelson]? So, 2016? I won’t be too old. We both know you can’t trust that Christie guy to toe the line, and Ryan is damaged goods now.”

GS: And what are the Koch brothers thinking?

TPC: “Well, we still own Paul and Scott and Reince in Wisconsin, all of Kansas, Arkansas, and have plenty of others in our pocket. We can still buy 2014 and 2016.”

GS: Reince Priebus?

TPC: “Oh, well, we’ll just have to suppress more votes next time!”

GS: Rick Santorum?

TPC: “I told you Romney couldn’t beat Obama.”

GS: Karl Rove?

TPC: “Oh, thank God! I oversold the election, so it’s a good thing Mitt lost because too many billionaires would expect something.”

GS: Scalia?

TPC: “Mitt lost? Are you sure, Florida? I even got my ‘Bush v Gore pen’ back from the Smithsonian.”

GS: Rick Perry?

TPC: “I knew I should’ve run for president this year. I could’ve won this thing.”

GS: Chris Christie?

TPC: “Hey, Mitt! Sorry you lost. No, not really. I never really liked you or your whole no swearing act, and now it’s wide open for me in 2016. Don’t worry, I won’t be inviting you to the convention—you can sit home with W.”

GS: And finally…. Fox & Friends?

TPC: “Let’s call Trump and see if he thinks the election was stolen too!”

GS: Very impressive! Now, let’s imagine again, but this time it is the day after the election, and the angels have smiled upon our nation and blessed us with a Mitt Romney victory.

NOW, what is the quote from Mitt Romney?

TPC: “I hope all this crazy shit we’ve been saying works, because Paul and Grover are making me go through with this.”

Though at some point you know Romney is going to notice what the job pays, and I can’t see him sticking around for a measly $400,000 a year.

GS: From Paul Ryan?

TPC: “Oh, thank God I don’t have to go on Dancing With The Stars now.”

GS: From Barack Obama?

TPC: “You were right, Hillary, there is a vast right-wing conspiracy. Good luck in 2016.”

GS: From Sarah Palin?

TPC: “My Facebook statuses did it!”

Though I actually expect Palin will go quiet for a while after election night. She’ll be disappointed that Romney won. Criticizing the president is so much easier than trying to justify his mistakes, and as her financial adviser told her last fall, with Romney running for reelection, she can’t pretend to run again to get an all-expense paid family vacation from her SuperPAC. It’s a bad day for Palin, and she knows it.

GS: Mitch McConnell:

TPC: “Holy shit! Sabotaging the economy worked! They fell for it. Suckers!”

GS: Rick Santorum?

TPC: “Could’ve been me. I could’ve beaten Obama. Well, if it weren’t for Google. And the fact that I’m an sufferable prick.”

GS: Chris Christie?

TPC: “Crap! Now I gotta wait until 2020. I was sure 2012 was a loser and it would be mine in 2016.”

GS: Fantastic!  Now, no matter what we hear on our television sets or read in the newspapers on the day after the election, we can all rest assured that we already know what they are really thinking.

Finally, one last question: are you really a cat?

TPC: Well, my identity is a closely guarded secret, but I would like to lay to rest the rumor that I am Stephen Colbert’s cat. I am not. I am no one’s cat. I own people, they don’t own me.

GS: Thank you very much for your time!

 

The Tea Party Cat can be found on Tumblr, on Twitter and on Facebook.