Liberals love big, bloated government like bears love honey. This is axiomatic like gravity or the fact that tax cuts pay for themselves. And yet, some ridiculous libtard™ posted to the twitter the pair of graphs above. The first is the number of federal employees during the golden decade (1980-1989) when freedom-loving patriots preached and followed the golden rule: Government is the problem. The second is when Obama wrecked the economy with his tax-and-spend debt-mongering designed to accelerate our decline into crony communism, poverty and Sharia Law.
This graph is stupid and liberally biased, because it might give the impression that Reagan made the government bigger and Obama made the government smaller.
The slopes of these graphs are obviously wrong. But I have discovered how to unskew these graphs, and remove the liberal bias!
You see, the notoriously left-leaning federal reserve (what could be more cliché than a liberal millionaire bank executive?) is indiscriminately treating one government employee like any other! Let’s look closer.
During the 80s, Reagan was busy stomping his jackboot into the neck of the Soviet menace. So, at least some of that employment is Marines kicking ass in Grenada and shit. This kind of employment leads to more freedom, not less, so it should obviously be subtracted from the total employment.
Moreover, we all know that Obama has hired secret off-the-book government employees to harass Tea Party patriots. You can see the obvious evidence in things like the IRS scandal and Lois Lerner. Look it up yourself, it’s not my job to do your research for you. Anyway, these secret undercover government employees should clearly be added to total government employment under Obama.
Once we take these two factors into account–adjusting the totals in each graph using my own totally-real and not-at-all made-up estimates of Marines kicking ass in Grenada and shit (MKAIGAS’s) and the Black Ops Patriot Harassment Brigade (BOPHB), the plots look much different.
As you can see, when the numbers have been carefully massaged and corrected to take into account Conservative Ideology and Truth… the legacy of Ronald Reagan remains unsullied, and Obama really hasbloated the size of government!
Another liberal fiction bites the dust. <blows smoke off revolver-finger>
Ronald Reagan gave a very famous speech at CPAC in 1974 in which he tells a story about the day the constitution was signed. He gave another variation of the same speech in 1981, in a speech called “What July 4th Means To Me”. This is an excerpt:
The myth goes that on July 4, 1776, while sequestered behind locked doors, the Continental Congress of the 13 British Colonies, our Founding Fathers, were in hot debate on whether or not to sign the Declaration of Independence and break from Great Britain. Most of the men feared for their lives and their family’s lives, for if they were to sign such a document, they would be traitors to the crown, and would almost certainly be put to death if found.
As these men were debating the issue, and leaning toward NOT signing, a mysterious man arises from out of nowhere. Citing the grievances that had brought them to this moment he said, ‘Sign that parchment. They may turn every tree into a gallows, every home into a grave and yet the words of that parchment can never die. For the mechanic in his workshop, they will be words of hope, to the slave in the mines—freedom.’ And he added, ‘If my hands were freezing in death, I would sign that parchment with my last ounce of strength. Sign, sign if the next moment the noose is around your neck, sign even if the hall is ringing with the sound of headman’s axe, for that parchment will be the textbook of freedom, the bible of the rights of man forever.’
And then it is said he fell back exhausted. But 56 delegates, swept by his eloquence, signed the Declaration of Independence, a document destined to be as immortal as any work of man can be. And according to the story, when they turned to thank him for his timely oratory, he could not be found nor were there any who knew who he was or how he had come in or gone out through the locked and guarded doors.
Now, of course, it’s all complete bullshit. The story is lifted and paraphrased from Washington and His Generals: or, Legends of the Revolution by George Lippard, published in 1847. But it is very plainly a fiction.
For one thing, independence was declared on July 2nd, the text of the Declaration was approved on July 4th, but the document wasn’t signed until August 2, 1776. Even on August 2, not everyone was available, so several people signed later, including Elbridge Gerry, Oliver Wolcott, Lewis Morris, Thomas McKean and Matthew Thornton.
In fact: There was never any mass signing. There was never any moment in time when every single signer of the Declaration of Independence was in the same room at the same time. The above story could not ever have taken place, and certainly did not take place on July 4th, 1776.
But this kind of attention to factual detail has never mattered to real American Patriots. What we like is a good story, right?
So, in honor of that tradition, and to celebrate July 4th 2014, we are please to present to you the revised, updated for a modern conservative era, 100% Liberal Bias Original ™ story of “What July 4th Means To Me” and the signing of the Declaration of Independence!
It was a dark and stormy night on July 4th, in the year 1776. Our founding fathers, including George Washington, John Calvin, Ronald Reagan, and Jesus, were hanging out in a bar, because they were regular, down-to-earth Americans. They all carried shotguns, of course, which they had visibly displayed in their holsters so that any bad guys would see how strong and powerful they were and not cause any trouble.
And John Calvin said, “I won’t want to sign this, because it doesn’t have a bit that says anyone who even thinks about having an abortion will go directly to hell where she will be raped by the spawn of Beelzebub. I think that should be in this fine document before I sign it.”
And Ronald Reagan said, “I don’t want to sign this, because it doesn’t explicitly outlaw all taxation on rich people. Everybody knows that only poors should pay taxes. That’s what this whole war against the British was really about!”
And Jesus said, “I don’t want to sign this, because it doesn’t say that slavery is a God-given right that can never be taken away by any amendment, and black people can never ever vote no matter what! I don’t think I can support a document that could possibly be amended to allow black people to vote!”
So as they were wavering, the arch angel Moroni appeared riding a golden SUV. He was beautiful and muscular and the image of Republican manliness (no homo). And he said unto the founding fathers:
“DON’T BE RIDICULOUS! We live in a totally Christian Nation, which means that we naturally would never, ever allow women to make reproductive decisions, tax rich people, or let black people vote! THAT WOULD BE SO STUPID! HAHAHAHAHAHA!”
And all of the Founding Fathers laughed with the angel, because they saw that it WAS stupid. And thus they agreed to sign, even though it is very obvious that they held these additional values in their hearts and nobody could possibly ever question it.
And that is how it really truly actually happened on July 4th, 1776. As you can see this means that today’s American Conservatives are exactly in line with what the really true and not made up at all founding fathers (no homo) actually wanted from our country.
The Tea Party has never been happy with some of the people who are considered Founding Fathers of the Unites States. Although no official list really exist, the Founding Fathers are generally assumed to include at least the Committee of Five (Robert Livingston, Roger Sherman, Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, and Benjamin Franklin), and often include other notable early American political figures as well, including George Washington, James Madison, Patrick Henry and George Mason. Some people consider anyone who signed the Declaration of Independence to be a Founding Father.
But several of the core Founding Father members, even members of the Committee of Five, don’t quite sit well with today’s Tea Party Conservatives. As a result, they have formed a new House Committee to propose legislation to officiallydeclare the list of Founding Fathers to be Robert Livingston, Roger Sherman, George Washington, John Calvin, Ronald Reagan, and Jesus.
“George Washington was cool,” the chair of the committee remarked, “He said ‘It is impossible to govern the world without God and the Bible.’ Which is basically what we think, as Christian conservatives. But some of those other guys… come on. Thomas Jefferson? John Adams? And don’t even get me started with that weirdo freak Ben Franklin!”
This movement in the Tea Party really began in 2010, when the Texas Board of Education officially re-wrote history textbooks to eliminate Thomas Jefferson from the list of people who influenced the founding of the United States, and replaced him with John Calvin. Thomas Jefferson offends Tea Party politicians because he said, among other things,
“I am a Materialist. Among the sayings and discourses imputed to [Jesus] by His biographers, I find many passages of fine imagination, correct morality, and of the most lovely benevolence; and others, again, of so much ignorance, so much absurdity, so much untruth, charlatanism and imposture, as to pronounce it impossible that such contradictions should have proceeded from the same Being.”
John Calvin, on the other hand, is well-known for having put Geneva under religious martial law in 1537, and throwing people into prison for sleeping in church or inappropriately smiling during baptisms. Definitely a Tea Party Patriot.
John Adams is a bit more ambiguous. He did say, “The general principles on which the fathers achieved independence were. . . . the general principles of Christianity.” However, he also signed into a law a treaty that included the phrase, “the government of the United States of America is not in any sense founded on the Christian Religion.” There is some dispute over where that line originally came from, but Paul Ryan, Rand Paul, and other members of the Tea Party caucus insist that any list of Founding Fathers must be totally and completely pure… and so John Adams is out. The Tea Party proposes Ronald Reagan as an alternate to fill his slot, although it is important to note that it wouldn’t be the real Ronald Reagan but actually just a collection of specific quotes and ideas from Ronald Reagan that the Tea Party likes.
Finally, Benjamin Franklin is definitely out. He overtly and plainly described himself as a “thorough Deist.” A Deist is a person who believes in the existence of a God or supreme, being but denies revealed religion, basing his belief on his own reason and observations of nature. Deists reject the Judeo-Christian accounts of God as well as the Bible.
Jesus is considered by many to be a favorite to replace Ben Franklin, although there is still some debate over whether “that hippie should cut his hair first.”
The CPAC straw poll has never been about choosing the next President of the United States; it’s about choosing the next Conservative Savior. And who can blame them? We are talking about a conference of patriots who know that the Constitution is really Scripture and that God would really want limitations on freedom, as long as those limitations come from the Bible.
Only two conservatives have ever truly passed the litmus test of being a perfect American patriot, and they are Jesus Christ and Ronald Reagan.
This year, Senator Rand Paul of Kentucky won the Presidential straw poll for the second year in a row. I do not think anybody will fault me for being skeptical that Rand Paul is the hero conservatism needs right now.
Apparently, I am not alone, as the conservative on the tip of everyone’s tongue right now is not Paul, but somebody else entirely. Who? Vladimir Putin, the President of Russia.
While Barack Hussein Obama and his cronies in the State Department are treating Putin as a negative force in the world due to threats of invading Ukraine and persecution of homosexuals in Russia, great American conservatives are over the moon about him.
“Putin decides what he wants to do, and he does it in half a day, right? Now that’s a leader.” —former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani
“Putin is running circles around the United States. He is playing chess while we’re playing marbles.”—Rep. Mike Rogers (R-Michigan)
“[Putin is a] lion of Christianity” (for treating gays like gays instead of like people) —Bryan Fisher of the American Family Association
Real conservatives like these profoundly believe in American exceptionalism, so if they say Putin is outclassing our government officials, it can only mean one thing. Even though Vladimir Putin is not American per se, he must be American because apparently he is so much better than we are. That’s how it works.
Apparently, the majority of real conservatives agree. In a poll from The Daily Caller, 52% of respondents say Vladimir Putin would make a better US president than Barack Obama.
Unlike President Obama, who cannot push through legislation because he refuses to do what conservatives want, Vladimir Putin would be able to do things much faster since he would not have to worry about pesky little issues like “public opinion” or “debate” or “data.”
Or “government by the people.”
Real Americans don’t want that namby-pamby stuff. They want a President who does whatever he wants, as long as what he wants is conservative. That’s a realconservative savior.
So remember, the next time somebody tells you that “we will never find another Ronald Reagan,” tell them that he has already arrived on the scene. He drills for oil, wrestles bears, and does not under any circumstances wear Mom jeans. He’s the perfect conservative that even Ronald Reagan would have loved.
With all of this excitement, and conservative hearts fluttering like they haven’t since 1980, there’s really just one more question we need to ask: Since Putin is so strong and powerful and manly and American, shouldn’t we just go ahead and adopt that Russian Constitution here in the United States, as well?
It seems like it would be the True Conservative thing to do!!
I am an American, which means a few things. It means I love apple pie and hot dogs. It means that I am one of God’s children and He will punish me if I have premarital sex because He loves me. It means I vote for Republicans, unless they are RINOs and I have to cast a write-in ballot for Ronald Reagan instead.
Most importantly, it means I watch the Super Bowl.
Everybody knows that liberalism thoroughly corrodes anything and everything it touches. I don’t mean to be a…ahem, Monday morning quarterback, but I should have seen the liberal corruption of the Super Bowl coming sooner. After all, this year’s game was televised on Fox, the media arm of the Democrat party.
However, the Bill O’Reilly interview with President Hussein Obama was pleasantly surprising. I mean, sure, he didn’t ask about #BENDOGZI, but he asked several questions about Benghazi. You know, real issues.
But then the game started…. and the Super Bowl as a patriotic institution TOOK A NOSE DIVE INTO THE PITS OF H*ECK!
A 30-second ad during the Super Bowl cost $4 million, and corporations used every moment they could buy to promote their liberal agenda. From letting Terrence Malick direct every single car commercial, to demoting Arnold Schwarzenegger from conservative hero to a guy in a wig playing ping pong with some dingus, every ad was excruciating.
The only exceptions were the ads where companies spent $8 million for a 60-second ad to tell America that they are donating $1 million to charity. That was pretty cool.
The worst offenders
The most notable atrocity came from the folks at The Coca-Cola Company, who had the nerve to make an ostensibly “pro-America” ad, portraying the United States as a beautiful melting pot where people of all races, colors, and creeds can thrive. The ad was set to a rendition of America the Beautiful…except it is sung in several languages.
How dare they??If they really think America is hashtag beautiful, they would understand that English is the official language. Read the Constitution, morans.
This would have made me regard Pepsi as the official soft drink of freedom, but their contribution to the game, the halftime show, wasn’t any better. If you recall, everybody was outraged ten years ago when Janet Jackson’s “boobie” was shown during the halftime show. As they should have been.
One decade and two Obama elections later, the Red Hot Chili Peppers perform and the female lead singer is completely topless. Guess what? Nobody cares! Liberal feminism has sucked the decency out of America and is smiling as it drips down their mouth.
Then there was the game
The liberal takeover of the Super Bowl has extended to the game itself. Everyone knows that God normally keeps very tight control over who wins and loses football games in the United States, but that clearly wasn’t going on here.
The Seahawks defeated the Broncos 43-8 and the game was never even close. This was largely blamed on Broncos quarterback and real American hero Peyton Manning, who is literally a perfect human being, but I blame Obama.
After all, there is no way Manning, the owner of 21 Papa John’s franchises, would ever fail this spectacularly without being sabotaged by liberals. They hate what he represents, so they set out to destroy him.
We live in Obama’s America now, and not even our nation’s most important sporting event is safe. Wake up, Sheeple. We need to take our country back.