Every scriptural argument for being a gun-toting, open-carry nutjob!

Some Christians ask, "What heat would Jesus pack?" But that is the wrong question.
Jesus wants you to pack heat. Jesus wants you to open-carry. And if society says that means you are a “crazy gun nut”…. then so be it!

Today’s letter is about the quintessential American topic: the relationship between guns and God.

Dear Pastor Gregory,

My son wants to buy a gun to protect our family. I have been hesitant to buy him the machine gun he wants because I thought my faith in Jesus meant I had to be non-violent or something. As a single mother I could really use his protection, but I want to know what is best for my family! Would Jesus carry a gun?

Concerned Parent

Well, I think we have to be careful how we interpret scripture here. Interpreting scripture can be very tricky. As we all know, since liberals always get it wrong.

So let’s start with Jesus. It might surprise you that I’m saying this, but Jesus would not carry a gun!

Why not, you ask? Not because he was some kind of sissy… but because Jesus was God and God doesn’t need guns! God uses lightening bolts, heart attacks, and hurricanes to wipe out sinners.

Why would Jesus carry a gun when he can flood the whole planet and “destroy every man whom [he has] created from the face of the earth” (Genesis 6:7)? Or when he can “rain down burning sulfur” like he did on the Homosexuals of Sodom and Gomorrah (Genesis 19:4-5)? Or even when he can transform wicked women into pillars of salt, like with Lot’s heathen wife (Genesis 19:26).

So Jesus wouldn’t carry a gun… but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t!


Now, some liberals will take quotes out of context from scripture to try to claim that Jesus was non-violent. But obviously they are just cherry-picking. Even worse: they are cherry-picking the wrong things. So let me show you which passages you should cherry-pick instead:

“And David said to his men, ‘Every man strap on his sword!’ And every man of them strapped on his sword. David also strapped on his sword. And about four hundred men went up after David, while two hundred remained with the baggage.”1 Samuel 25:13

“The LORD is a man of war: the LORD is his name… Thy right hand, O LORD, is become glorious in power: thy right hand, O LORD, hath dashed in pieces the enemy.” –Exodus 15:6

“Blessed be the Lord, my rock, who trains my hands for war, and my fingers for battle…” – Psalm 144:1

 

“Now hang on a minute!” some liberals might say, “That was the Old Testament! What did Jesus ever say about packing heat?”

As it turns out, Jesus does want us to open-carry, and said so right in scripture. All it takes is applying the right kind of interpretation to the literal word of God.

For example, take the Sermon on the Mount.  “Blessed are the poor,” he said. But how could the poor ever be blessed when they’re just a bunch of lazy, government sucking, welfare queens? If they have guns, they are demonstrating for all to see that they are working hard to uphold their constitutional commitments! This directly honors God, since God wrote the constitution.

So obviously, when Jesus says “Blessed are the poor,” He is advocating open carry. It’s right there in the Bible.

Another example: “Blessed are the peacemakers…” also appears in the Sermon on the Mount. But how can we keep peace in our families and our churches without guns? To quote Reverend Pat Robertson, “Violent attacks and even deaths on church property occur far more often than people realize…The good news: you can protect yourself. What are you going to do? You going to give church members AK-47s at the door to let them blow away those intruders?”

So when Jesus says “Blessed are the peacemakers,” He is saying you should pack heat. It’s right there in the Bible.

Reverend Pat Robertson very wisely concludes, “What is the new Beatitude? Blessed are the fully armed for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.”

At this point, liberals usually whine something about “loving your enemies,” but once again this is a liberal misinterpretation of scripture. In Mere Christianity, C. S. Lewis explained, “Does loving your enemy mean not punishing him? No, for loving myself does not mean that I ought not to subject myself to punishment — even to death.”

Obviously, when Jesus said “love your enemies” he meant you should kick their asses and shoot them in the face… but, you know, in a loving way.

Embrace your gun. Show off your gun. Love your gun. Liberals might call you a “gun-toting, open-carry nutjob” … but to me, that’s just another word for “Christian”!

It’s all right there, in the Bible.  Piece be with you,

Pastor Gregory

 

The Republican Jesus response to the SOTU

As you probably know, the Republicans had three response speeches to President Obama’s State of the Union Address: the Official Republican Response by Cathy McMorris Rodgers, the Tea Party Response by Mike Lee, and the Libertarian-ish Response by Rand Paul.

What you might not realize is that there was another conservative response, as well: the Republican Jesus Response, by Republican Jesus. In case you missed it, I will transcribe it for you here:

Liberals like to pretend that Jesus would look like a hippie. We prefer to think that Republican Jesus would have nice, clean-cut hair and wear an expensive suit. Now THAT's a God worth worshipping!
Liberals like to pretend that Jesus would look like a hippie. We prefer to think that Republican Jesus would have nice, clean-cut hair and wear an expensive suit. Like this guy. Now THAT’s a God worth worshiping!

A chilling black wave of deceptive lies hovered over President Barack Obama’s State of the Union address, as he fumbled through his liberally bias anti-rich-white-guy utopian vision. Channeling his former campaign tactics of left-wing buzz-words, Obama once again threw matchsticks at Godzilla, never addressing issues that I, Jesus, really care about: abortion, creationism, and abortion.

Amidst his theatrical parade, Obama unsurprisingly managed to bring up three of the issues that go the most against everything that I, Jesus, ever stood for:

Minimum Wage
Do you not remember that one time in the Bible when I said “poor will always be with us?” I never once mentioned paying the lazy bastards $10 an hour for their lack of education and wretched lives. In fact, I never said anything about helping poor people, ever!

I don’t care about poor people. I care about hardcore supply-side economic theory. And let’s be honest, putting more money into the hands of low-life high-school drop outs doesn’t increase economic growth, it only increases the price I have to pay for my McDonalds french-fries. Why does Obama want to make me, Jesus, pay more for french-fries?

Global Warming
This miserable excuse of a President then went on to discuss the rapid increasing temperatures of the climate and how he “believe(s) in the overwhelming judgment of science” and wants to act before it’s too late. First of all, nobody is supposed to believe in science. You’re supposed to believe in me.

Plus, does this dude even watch the local news? With all of my might and influence, being God and all, I made it -45 in Chicago this week and a lady in Atlanta literally gave birth to a child in her car because heavy snow had completely halted highway traffic. I’m literally putting thousands of lives in danger just to prove to you that global warming is a hoax. Because it totally makes sense that I would do that.

Obamacare
The never ending health care debacle also continued as Obama tried tugging at our hearts strings with real life examples of how the Affordable Care Act “saved lives.”As if I care about saving lives. I care about conservative economic theory. Anybody who has read the Bible knows that.

If we don’t keep fighting back on this miserable waste of money, hospitals will be no more. We’ll only have hippie communes where baskets of newborn puppies are handed to sick patients to give them a false sense of comfort, all the while nurses in glowing white robes will treat patients with new-age crystals and Reiki healing. Is that what you want?  IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?

Mucking through the sulfuric swamp that made up Obama’s lofty State of the Union address, has brought me, Jesus, to the conclusion that Republicans have been hammering into people since day one: President Obama is Americans worst nightmare. We don’t need to wait for “global warming” to destroy the world, we’ve got Barack Hussein Obama for that!

Remember, you heard it directly from me, Republican Jesus.

Amen.

TOP 5 Pope Quotes that Republican Jesus hates

2013 was a bad year for Poping.

Personally, I envision Pope Francis standing tall, adorned in his royal white robes, ushering in wicked sinners through the rusted gates of Hell. Don’t let his Catholic disguise convince you, he doesn’t know the first thing about being an American Christian Conservative!

So in honor of 2013 drawing to a close, here are the top 5 worst Pope Quotes from 2013 that no good conservative, all-American Republican Jesus would ever be able to get down with:

Republican Jesus says "No"#5  Soft on Hell

“The Lord has redeemed all of us, all of us, with the Blood of Christ: all of us, not just Catholics. Everyone….even the atheists. Everyone!” (source)

#4 Doesn’t hate gays enough

“If a person is gay and seeks God and has goodwill, who am I to judge him?” (source)

#3 Doesn’t hate poor people enough

“Among our tasks as witnesses to the love of Christ is that of giving a voice to the cry of the poor.” (source)

#2 OMG Socialism

“Just as the commandment ‘Thou shalt not kill’ sets a clear limit in order to safeguard the value of human life, today we also have to say ‘thou shalt not’ to an economy of exclusion and inequality. Such an economy kills.”

#1 He wants the church to be… beaten?

“I prefer a church which is bruised, hurting and dirty because it has been out on the streets, rather than a church which is unhealthy from being confined and from clinging to its own security.”

 


 

I always thought the Mayan’s were a crazy bunch of tribal pagans, but it looks like they might have gotten something almost right. Turns out it wasn’t 2012 that the world was ending…. it was 2013. Welcome to the end, people.