Will of the people, or stupid sheeple? How to tell the difference.

We still don’t know exactly how many people participated nationally in the #HandsUpWalkout protests on Monday. Although it’s clear that a very large number of people participated in dozens of cities across the country, we may never have completely reliable number estimates.

But if you are a good conservative, you know that these protests don’t represent the “will of the American people”. Far from it: these protests represent slackers and good-for-nothing sheeple who have been brainwashed. We can see this response very clearly from Conservative Twitter:

 

You see? Even if there were a million billion of these protesters, we know that their voices don’t represent the “will of the people”. How do we know? Because we are conservatives. And conservatives just know.

You can see the same thing with a number of different issues. For example, the Tax Day Tea Party protests in 2009 gathered an estimated 311,460 attendees. That was clearly the will of the people making itself heard. The People’s Climate March in New York City this year, on the other hand, was estimated at 311,000 participants… but those were just deluded misguided hippies who were brainwashed by communists.

This is also why real conservatives don’t get very bothered when elections don’t go their way. You see, conservatives just know whether the right people voted or not. 69.4 million people voted for Obama in 2008? Well, some of them were racist, others were brainwashed, others were just stupid college kids (what do they know?)… but that 69.4 million was clearly not the will of the people.

On the other hand, 22.5 million voted for Republicans in the 2014 midterm elections… now that obviously represents a mandate. That’s the Voice of the American People, loud and clear! How can anybody deny it?

The same goes for polling numbers. 70% of the population supports Voter ID laws, which makes about 223 million people in the grand total. How wise! How sensible! Anyone who opposes it is clearly not listening to the wishes of AMERICA!

On the other hand, the 91% of the population who supports increased background checks for buying guns…. well, that’s just stupid. Those people are stupid. Don’t listen to them.

The difference is very clear, and very obvious… when you’re a conservative!

Please refer to this handy chart:

The will of the people? Or just brainwashed communists? Use this handy chart to decide.
The will of the people? Or just brainwashed communists? Use this handy chart to decide.

ALERT: The word “obstruction” has just been redefined

As of the 2014 election, the definition of obstruction has changed

We have an important announcement!  Please make sure to disseminate this information to everyone you know as soon as possible.

For the last five years or so, the word “obstruction” has been a very positive word, with a positive meaning. For example, when congress has “obstructed” Obama’s agenda, it has been in order to stop him from completely transforming the United States of America (whatever that means). When Congress “obstructed” the appointment of a Surgeon General, it was to protect America from having a Surgeon General who might think guns are bad. When the House of Representatives “obstructed” financial reform by voting “no” to every single reform bill that was ever put in front of them, that was good: because it was stopping Obama from doing something that was probably bad.

However, in the last 24 hours, in light of the 2014 mid-term election results, ALL THAT HAS NOW CHANGED!

Now that the Republicans have more of an ability to push their agenda forward onto Obama’s desk, everything is different.  After all, if Obama ever vetoes a glorious Republican bill… that means he is guilty of obstruction!

And that is obviously bad.

So, my fellow Americans: it is time to put away all of those tired arguments that you have been using over the last 5 years.

No longer will you say, “A do-nothing Congress is good, because I want government to do nothing!”

No longer will you say, “Saying ‘no’ to everything is good governing, because it’s stopping changes that aren’t needed!

Now, as of today, “obstruction” is officially a bad word. If Obama doesn’t completely comply in every single way to whatever the Republican Congress wants, then he is obstructing progress…..

Isn’t that terrible?

Chris Christie 2016 Presidential Campaign Posters

Chris Christie’s recent political maneuverings concerning Ebola definitely prove he is running for president.  His attitude of “I’m gonna just quarantine every little shit that comes from Africa whether they have symptoms or not” is a perfect reflection of both Republican foreign policy and health ideology, and the presidential persona that Chris Christie in particular has been cultivating for years.

Essentially, he is saying this: If you went to Africa you don’t deserve to have rights, because real Americans don’t go to dirty foreign places.  That’s implied. And it’s such a great message, we think it should be part of his 2016 Presidential Campaign.

Is Chris Christie running for president in 2016

But this got us thinking: we really should be starting to churn out the Chris Christie 2016 Presidential Campaign Posters now. Why wait? We know he’s running. So we looked back over the last few years to find stories that have linked Chris Christie to the 2016 presidential race, and we have selected a few as the bases of some potential campaign posters.

For example, there is the ongoing story that Chris Christie has been trying to lose weight in preparation for the election. That should definitely be part of the campaign.

Chris Christie presidential campaign poster

Then there’s his little speech about winning, in which he said: “We are not a debating society… See I’m in this business to win … I’m in it to win. I think that we have some folks who believe that our job is to be college professors. … Being a college professor is — they basically spout out ideas but nobody ever does anything about them. For our ideas to matter we have to win.”  That should definitely be made into a campaign slogan of some kind.

Chris Christie is not an explainer.

So what do you think? What are some other great Chris Christie moments from the last few years that should be made into campaign poster slogans?  Let us know in the comments below or on Twitter!

 

GOP: “Please help make Obamacare fail so we don’t look like idiots!”

Conservatives! Gird up your loins. We’ve reached Defcon 1 and that sound you hear is Ronald Reagan’s legacy dying! But with your help we can turn this ship around before it runs aground on the rocks of public health and fiscal sanity.

Recently, the liberal media has been cranking out positive Obamacare news items… and if this keeps up, it could be a disastrous November. Now, if you think I’m over-reacting, you haven’t fully considered how the success of Obamacare undermines the central tenet of conservatism: government ruins everything.

Think back to last December, when the healthcare.gov website was a shambles, we could pretend that young people would never sign up, and that insurance companies would go out of business or double their premiums. Obamacare was going to mean the end of the world as we know it… and it felt great!

But now, the liberally-bias media is feeding us brazenly deceptive facts like these:

More people than expected have found coverage on exchanges

Costs are lower than originally estimated

The number of uninsured is falling

The number of companies providing insurance is growing

…and worst of all…

the cost of health care for everyone is rising slower than at any time in 50 years and slower than GDP

 

I’ll be honest, guys… it looks bleak.

But do not fear!

We at LiberalBias.com have composed a list of things you can do to serve this country, and turn the news around!

 

How To Help Republicans Save Face:

Get fired from your full-time job with benefits! It’s important that we report that Obamacare has caused massive unemployment which is getting harder now that unemployment is below 6%. So, sexually harass a coworker, embezzle sloppily, “accidentally” copy customers on insulting emails or keep a vial of cocaine on your key chain. This is a two-fer since unemployment goes up and so does the number of uninsured.

Get sick or injured! Think of it as a denial of service attack on the health care system. You know, like those anonymous guys do. If insurance companies see a sudden rise in injuries and illnesses, they’ll be forced to adjust premiums upward. Go rock-climbing with no safety lines. Ride without a helmet. Drink unfiltered water in Thailand. But remember, the cause needs your vote so steer clear of Ebola, HIV, drunk driving, being Black in St. Louis and other similarly deadly pursuits. You can vote from the hospital, but not from the morgue.

Move to a state without Medicaid expansion! Especially if you’ve done one or more of the above, this is liable to really ratchet up the urgency since refusal to expand Medicaid will likely cause 7,000-17,000 preventable deaths this year. Try to fine-tune your income so that you’re just above the federal Medicaid threshold, but below the income required to find coverage on the exchanges, otherwise you’ll end up with health care coverage.

Sell your Cigna stock! This is a tricky tightrope to walk. On the one hand, we need to prop up the story that insurance companies are collapsing under the mandate to insure the uninsurable. On the other hand, it’s equally important to paint the ACA as a “giveaway” to insurance company fat-cats, which would be, um, a bad thing <wink>. On balance, I think we need to make sure to stick to the conservative message that government does everything inefficiently, unfairly and in all other ways badly. We can’t have word getting out that government meddling has improved the market for health care.

 

So there you go! This should keep you patriots busy through the midterms. Next to suppressing the vote and inventing bad Obamacare news, creating bad Obamacare news is the most important thing you can do for your country this election season.

Don’t you care about America!?

Obamacare is really embarassing the GOP, but you can help

 

Republican cuts kill…. and they are supposed to. That’s capitalism.

Liberals and Democrats have been slamming Republicans for cutting medical research funding, blocking the appointment of a Surgeon General, and cutting money to hospitals…. only to “suddenly” turn around and start demanding money and medical oversight now that we have a problem with The Ebola.

Some Democrats are calling the Republican Party experts in “closing the barn door after the horse has escaped.”

Others are using these facts in extremely powerful political ads like this one:

Video direct link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c3D0DxjgPB0

As bedrock ideological conservatives, believers in the free market, what are we to make of these criticisms and accusations? Were Republicans wrong in cutting medical research and hospital funding? Was it a misstep? Was it a mistake?

NOT A CHANCE!!!!

The fact is, the Republican Party is doing exactly what real free market capitalists are supposed to do! Republicans should not and cannot run away from this. It is time to educate the masses about what free market capitalism really means.

The entire philosophy of the free market is that it is reactive, not pro-active. As Rand Paul and Paul Ryan are so fond of saying, the market “corrects” and “adapts”. It is part of the core philosophy of the economic model.

Think about the way you were taught in school that a free market would “fix the problem” of, for example, a corporation that made bad products:

1) People would buy products from the company

2) People would be disappointed by those products

3) People would stop buying products from that company

4) That company goes out of business

At the ground level, that is how free market capitalism produces better products: it is driven by consumer reaction.

Let’s look at another scenario: how does the free market “regulate itself” when it comes to companies making poisoned products?

1) People buy products from the company

2) People die

3) The remaining people do not buy products from that company any more

4) That company goes out of business

Tah dah! The market has regulated itself. But if you are a real free market fanatic, you have to embrace step 2. That is: part of the process of the “market regulating itself” involves PEOPLE DYING.

You can’t escape it. Part of the process. The only motivation that companies have, in a free market, to produce products that don’t kill their customers is that if their customers ACTUALLY DIE then they might lose business.

The only time that companies ever increase safety of their procedures is after a plant has exploded or a pipeline has leaked, and something actually got destroyed… and it cost the company money.

Capitalism only “regulates itself” after-the-fact. The entire economic system is based on the principle of closing the barn door after the horse has run away… on the assumption that you can at least prevent more horses from going the same way the first one went.

Some Republicans will deny this, but it is the truth. Any true “free market conservative” must embrace this core concept of the economic system

So that is our lesson for today:

The budget cuts that crippled our ability to fight ebola were not a mis-step. They were not a miscalculation, or a mistake. If you are a true free market loving conservative, you will stand by those cuts, just as you will stand by the people who will probably die as a result.

This is the way capitalism is supposed to work. This is how it was designed to work: something goes horribly wrong, and then–and only then–the market corrects itself.

Do you have a problem with that?

If you do, then you don’t really love capitalism.

A BIG BAD LIST: 25 things that Ebola is like!

Ebola has a liberal bias! This is not a conspiracy.
This picture proves that Ebola is like Mickey Mouse. Of course, everyone has already been talking about the fact that the responsible reporters at CNN think Ebola is like ISIS:

Ebola is ISIS, obviously.

But this is really only the beginning. Since Ebola has (obviously) been the only important topic in the entire world for the last week or so, there has been plenty of opportunity for people to come up with deep insights about things that Ebola is like.

Thus, we present to you the Big Bad Compendium Of Stuff Ebola Is Like, courtesy of the Internets:

Ebola is like a terrorist.

Ebola is like being bitten by a pitt bull with AIDS.

Ebola is like a Great White Shark.

Ebola is like a flying spider.

Ebola is like roaches.

Ebola is like a forest fire.

Ebola is like an artificially tanned guy wearing white-rimmed sunglasses inside a bar at night.

 

(…..pause for a moment and re-read that last one…..)

 

Ebola is like a gun that makes its own bullets.

Ebola is like the flu.

Ebola is like chicken pox.

Ebola is like scurvy.

Ebola is like chlamydia.

Ebola is like…. menses?  (TAKE NOTE, WOMEN!)

Ebola is like Shadow People.

Ebola is like lightning.

Ebola is like Amazon.com.

Ebola is like liberalism. (WELL DUH)

Ebola is like oil (and gold and coffee).

Ebola is like a marauding army.

Ebola is like a train wreck.

 

Ebola is like muslims.

Ebola is like Muslims

 

Ebola is like terrorism AND diarrhea.

Ebola is like terrorism. And diarrhea.

 

Ebola is like…. a penny!

Ebola is like a penny

 

….and finally:

Ebola is like HOLDING A MIRROR UP TO HUMANITY’S PROBLEMS!!!

(…pretty deep, huh?)

 

 

 

ISIS fights back against defamation, and is changing her name

ISIS, the radical conservative Islamic terrorist organization, has angered Isis, the Egyptian Goddess, with all of their unbelievable bullshit.
ISIS, the radical conservative Islamic terrorist organization, has angered Isis, the Egyptian Goddess, with all of their unbelievable bullshit.

Isis, one of the most ancient and important goddesses of Egypt, is sick of all this radical Islamic bullshit.

“I used to be worshiped everywhere from Egypt to Afghanistan as a healer and a role-model for women,” she explained in her exclusive interview with Liberal Bias. “I taught human kind how to use medicine, for crying out loud! And now these radical pinheads have to go and use my name to represent their stupid right-wing religious movement? No thanks!”

Isis, who has been around for more than 3500 years, says she feels it’s a shame that people now associate the name “Isis” mostly with the right-wing religious fanatics who are beheading people and who want to bring the entire world under Sharia Law. “It especially hurts since I’ve had the name for, like, most of the existence of humanity. But now this group comes along, and instead of associating the name Isis with healing and motherly love, they associate the name with death, murder, and terrorism.”

As a result of this unfortunate development in recent political events, Isis has decided to file a lawsuit for defamation, and temporarily change her name to Ahst, which is probably closer to how it was originally pronounced anyway.

We asked Isis if she has considered using her powers to smite ISIS.

“Smiting isn’t really my thing,” she admitted, with a soft sad sigh. “My brother Set was always the one who was good at smiting. Or, if you want a god who is good at smiting, why not ask Yaweh? He’s always been very good at the smiting.”

Come to think of it… why hasn’t  Yaweh smitten ISIS yet?  Come on, Yahweh… it’s time to step it up.

 

Brownbackistan is a beautiful land of the free… just be patient!

Welcome to KansasLower taxes and less regulation lead to a host of good ends—more employment, more tax revenue, fewer mosquitoes and less unattractive belly fat. That’s why it’s important to carefully parse the news coming out of Kansas recently. Sam “The Repealer” Brownback was elected governor there in 2011. Since both state houses are strongly Republican, the stage was set for a mighty Republican renaissance.

Brownback began with a 25% tax cut for the richest Kansans, erasing income taxes for small businesses and creating a new “Office of the Repealer” tasked with eliminating regulations and agencies that choke business with their insistence on preserving an ecosystem for the next generation. Even guaranteed teacher tenure fell beneath the fury of Sultan Sam’s mighty pen.

All that’s left, at this point, is to wait for blooming prosperity in Kansas to inspire legions of imitators and usher in the new era of national, Reaganesque utopia!

Kansas General Fund BalanceBut, like other brave pioneers before him, including his mentor and advisor, Art Laffer, Brownback is still facing skepticism… a mere three years in. Some of this is related to the squandering of the budget surplus Brownback inherited. Tax revenue in Kansas fell by $685 million in the first year in spite of an upward adjustment in the state sales tax, leaving the state with an annual $300 million shortfall. This led to a downgrade of the state’s credit rating by the faithless, liberal pantywaists at Moody’s.

The more squeamish Kansans have grown tired of waiting for Brownback’s new economy to bear fruit, complaining that the Kansas economy is expanding at just half the rate of its four neighbors, that Kansas still has fewer jobs than in 2008, and that poverty has increased including among children. Others traitorous covert socialists counsel Brownback and his legislature to take the mark of the beast by accepting hundreds of millions of dollars to expand Medicaid as part of Obamacare instead of treating the uninsured in emergency rooms as God intended.

GDP Growth Comparison

Patriots should arm themselves with some important facts:

FACT 1. The economy in Kansas is growing, unlike under the previous governor. What’s even more telling, the previous governor enjoyed, at least for a few years, the dynamic, freedom-infused George W. Bush economy, while Brownback has been saddled with the unquestionably sluggish and impotent Obama economy for his entire term.

FACT 2. Fiscal reforms can take a long time to come to fruition. For example, the pro-job policies of George W. Bush, such as deficit-funded tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans and a tax holiday for companies with untaxed profits in offshore tax havens, led to 53 months of uninterrupted job growth… but, you know, not until Bush had been out of office for 18 months.

FACT 3. It takes time for job-creators from around the nation to relocate to Kansas. Unlike relocating wealth to the Cayman Islands or Switzerland, it can take time to get your kids into the right schools, hire a moving van, etc. We can expect job-creators to come in just 3 years. It’s not at all like when raising federal taxes encourages all the captains of industry to flee to Galt’s Gulch.

 

So, patience is the new watchword in Brownbackistan. To teachers vacuuming their own classrooms due to reduced funding for janitors, we say patience. To the 100,000 Kansans eligible for federally-paid health care coverage under the Medicaid expansion but disappointed by the decision to postpone debate to 2015, patience. It’s always darkest before the sweet, conservative dawn.

Messiah-Mess 101: top 12 Obama scandals with explanations

Very funny Obama political cartoon called "Messiah Mess"

This is a political cartoon created by William Warren for NetRightDaily last month. It is obviously very clever and 100% accurate because it depicts Obama in sewage. However, if you have not been keeping up with all of the details of politics over the last 6 years, you might not recognize all of the scandals that are named on the right-side pane.

DO NOT FEAR! What follows is a quick cheat-sheet summary of each of these scandals, so you will understand exactly why you should be completely outraged at Obama.


1. Fast and Furious.  The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms (ATF) has a long history of programs designed to try to stop people from purchasing firearms from American gun dealers in order to pass them on to Mexican cartels. One such operation, known as “Wide Receiver”, was started in 2006. Another, called “Fast and Furious”, was started in 2009. According to some accusations, these programs intentionally allowed illegal firearm sales in order to track the firearms by their serial numbers and later identify members of Mexican drug cartels. However, these accusations were never fully confirmed and most independent research shows that the ATF never intentionally allowed any illegal firearms sales. Eventually these were both shut down. There is no evidence that Obama knew about or was involved in any of these incidents.

But, Obama gave a very suspicious speech in 2009 where he said better gun regulation might help slow the flow of guns from the U.S. to Mexico. Obviously this means Obama created “Fast and Furious” deliberately as a plot to take away Americans’ guns. (More info: CBS News)

2. Debt. When Obama was inaugurated, the total federal debt was about $10.6 trillion and was increasing at a rate of $1.4 trillion per year. Now, it is about $17.6 trillion and is increasing at a rate of $0.54 trillion per year. About two thirds of the increase in debt since Obama was inaugurated has been caused by interest and entitlements that were in place before Obama became president.

This proves that the entire debt is Obama’s fault.

Total Jobs3. Jobs. The total number of non-farm employee payroll jobs in January 2009 was about 134 million. The total number of non-farm employee payroll jobs in July 2014 was about 139 million. A total of 9.3 million jobs were created between the January 2010 low-point, when it finally reached the bottom of the decline that began in late 2007, and today.

This is all proof that Obama has failed… somehow.

4. Taliban Trade. Obama did everything he could to get American prisoner Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl delivered home safely. This included the release of five Guantanamo Bay prisoners. Obviously this is a disgusting horrible scandal, because America never negotiates with terrorists.

Except for that time Reagan did it, and that time Bush did it. (More info: Time.) Ironically, now that an American citizen was beheaded by an Islamic terrorist, there are conservatives who are complaining that Obama didn’t organize some kind of trade to get him back. I guess that can be listed as another scandal.

5. Benghazi. 4 people were killed in a terrorist attack in Benghazi while Obama was president. This compares to 98 people who were killed in terrorist attacks against American consulates when Bush was president.

However, Obama called it an “act of terror” instead of a “terrorist attack”, which proves Obama is not fit for office.

6. IRS. The IRS cracked down on politically active organizations trying to file as 501(c)(3) nonprofit charity groups. They investigated both liberal and conservative groups. They only refused 501(c)(3) status to a small number of progressive groups, and did not refuse it to any “tea party” groups. There is no evidence that Obama had anything to do with it, or had any knowledge of it.

This proves Obama was the sinister mastermind of this terrible aggression against the Tea Party. (More info: Think Progress)

7. Iraq. Obama withdrew soldiers from Iraq when things seemed relatively peaceful, and now ISIS has risen and is creating all kinds of problem. Since the magical Tea Party Crystal Ball tells us that if Obama hadn’t withdrawn troops from Iraq, then ISIS would not exist and there would be a Starbucks on every Iraqi corner, this proves that the mess in Iraq is completely Obama’s fault.

8. Obamacare. Millions of Americans now have preventative health insurance, young adults can stay on their parent’s plans for longer, nobody can be denied coverage for pre-existing conditions, insurance companies are legally required to limit the amount they can increase their fees, lifetime limits on payouts are being lifted.

However, a while back the website was broken, and there once was a woman who got mad because she thought she might have to pay more for insurance even though she didn’t actually log onto the Obamacare website to see if she could get a better deal.

Therefore, Obamacare is clearly an outrage and a scandal.

9. Keystone. Obama has delayed a decision on the controversial Keystone XL pipeline project, and perhaps might delay it indefinitely, which is completely within his power and rights to do as the President of the United States. This qualified as as scandal, presumably, simply because conservatives don’t like it very much.

Yeah, I’m not really clear on this one. maybe someone can help out and explain why this is a “scandal”?

Job Growth10. Economy. Unemployment is down to 6.1%.  58% of the new jobs added in 2014 pay above the average hourly wage. 1.4 million jobs were create in the first half of 2014. The stock market grew 142% in Obama’s first 2000 days in office. 53 months of uninterrupted job growth. The GDP went from shrinking at a rate of 2.8% when Obama took office to growing at a rate of 2.2% now.

Obviously, there is a scandal in there somewhere… somehow. Maybe if Obama hadn’t been born in Kenya, the GDP growth rate would be 2.4% instead of 2.2%? Someone also needs to explain the logic on this one.

 

11. The VA. Allegations of neglect and mismanagement in VA hospitals have been around for more than 40 years. Anyone who has paid close attention to the state of VA medical care has been aware that there have been problems going back since before the Reagan administration.

However, it became a topic in the news this year and Obama took FOUR WHOLE WEEKS before he fired Secretary of Veterans Affairs Eric Shinseki and launched an investigation.  Can you believe it? FOUR WEEKS!

Obviously, Obama is just an evil, evil, inept person.

12. Illegal Immigration. Illegal immigration has also been a problem for decades in this country. Obama hasn’t granted anyone amnesty. Obama hasn’t slowed deportations. He also hasn’t done anything to weaken the borders compared to way border enforcement was when Bush was President.

However, because he hasn’t solved the problem of illegal immigration completely… this is clearly yet another scandal.


So there you have it: a list of all of the scandals weighing down Obama.

Can you believe he hasn’t been impeached yet?

 

Restaurant sells 15 cent cheeseburger, prints a totally honest receipt

Last week a restaurant in Minnesota added a “minimum wage fee” to its receipts. Of course this outraged idiot liberals, and made Glenn Beck very happy. And why wouldn’t it? Capitalism! Transparency! No ulterior motive whatsoever!

Everyone should love it.

In fact, a small restaurant in Tennessee, Billy’s Diner, decided to take this idea one step further.

“Yeah, we realized that we could drop the price of our cheeseburger down to just fifteen cents, if we count all of our overhead and secondary expenses as fees instead,” explains Bil, founder and owner of Billy’s Diner.

As usual, liberal patrons were outraged by this move. One took a photo of his receipt for a cheeseburger with his phone, and it has gone viral circulating the internet:

Restaurant receipt showing a minimum wage fee and other fees.
Restaurant receipt showing minimum wage fee, as well as other fees.

“I feel so cheated!” the anonymous liberal patron whined, “I was told the cheeseburger was fifteen cents, and I ended up paying over ten dollars!”

Clearly, he doesn’t understand capitalism.

“See in a way the way we have our receipt is more honest,” explains Bil. “We show people exactly what they are paying for. Cheeseburgers really aren’t that expensive, you know. There are all these other factors.”

When we asked Bil why the receipt did not show a “business owner’s salary” fee, he said “This interview is over!” and walked away.

 

Sarah Palin’s brain damage and guaranteed 2016 presidential run

This past weekend, a video of Sarah Palin giving a speech started making its rounds on the internet, starting out on Crooks and Liars and eventually spreading to several other websites. Sarah Palin is known for giving speeches unburdened by grammatical limitations, but this excerpt seems extreme even for her.  You can watch the video or read the transcript below:

Partial transcript:

It is nice to be back in the mile-high city. I just think it’s absolutely beautiful flying in, you know, you’re over the snow-capped hills, I think you call them mountains, I’m from Alaska. So gorgeous yeah step off the plane. Todd reminds me we’re in Colorado don’t inhale. So the president was here last week too, huh, getting his rocky mountain high on busy week for him. Spinning from one scandal to another scandal must have had some vertigo. The middle east exploding in chaos and this time and the open border crisis no time to visit the border but time to shoot some pool and his whistle and grin real big for icky photo ops that he just really really hates and he raked in big bucks with big parties with fat cats, his term not my term, this in a border state, he was. The president he so disparages these cats in public but in private there’s a whole lotta cuddling and purring and tummy tickling with the one who feeds them.

Although many websites have mockingly wondered if she is drunk or high, we received a tip from a neurological expert that her speech precisely fits the symptoms of a neurological disorder called Wernicke’s Aphasia!!!

What is Wernicke’s Aphasia?

Wernicke’s Aphasia is a speech disorder that occurs when a person has damage to the posterior portion of the left side of the brain. This damage may be the result of a stroke or some kind of damage, such as what might result from accidentally driving a railroad spike through your own skull.

The Aphasia Center website describes the symptoms this way: “[A] person with this type of aphasia may have difficulty understanding what you are saying to him. While he may nod or socially act as though he understands, what he is hearing is often not what you are saying. Fluent speech means that he is speaking in extended sentences, although the content of those sentences may be full of neologisms and paraphasias. A neologism is made up word [and] aparaphasia can be when I mean to say “cook”, but instead I say “sook”, or “look”.”

The Aphasia.com website describes the syndrome like this: “You may have serious comprehension difficulties and be unable to grasp the meaning of spoken words. Yet you may be able to produce fluent, connected speech. What you say, however, is in most cases a series of meaningless words that sound like sentences, but don’t make sense, and you may not even realize that your speech is incorrect.”

These descriptions characterize a large number of Palin’s speeches over the years, but this latest video indicates that she may now be — deliberately? — manifesting the symptoms more strongly.

How does this impact Sarah Palin’s 2016 Presidential Run?

The Republican Party has a long history of trying to increase their appeal to a broader audience, not by actually changing any of their positions on issues, but by simply coming up with people who belong to different “minority” groups in hopes that it will get people to vote for them. Many believe that this was how Sarah Palin was chosen as a Vice Presidential candidate in the first place, although it also explains other Republican political choices as well (“Nine Nine Nine!!!”).

Could Sarah Palin’s speech this past weekend be Sarah Palin positioning herself for her run against Hilary Clinton in 2016?Could Sarah Palin be planning to outflank Hilary Clinton by being not only a woman… but a woman with a neurological disorder???

This could potentially create a very serious problem for Democrats in 2016. After all, if Democrats are faced with a choice between voting for a woman, and voting for a neurologically impaired woman, their bleeding-heart affirmative-action liberal ideology pretty much demands that they vote for the latter, right?

RIGHT????

 

What is a fiscal conservative?

There seems to be a lot of confusion about what the term “fiscal conservative” means these days. We have gathered some images and examples from recent news stories to help clear things up:

Rick Perry's Texas Militia are Fiscal Conservatives

A fiscal conservative says we can’t afford to improve our schools. And also spends millions of dollars to send people to stand at the border, even though they have no power to actually do anything once they get there.

Rolling Coal is something that fiscal conservatives do

A fiscal conservative says that the government wastes too much money and should be more efficient. And also modifies trucks so that they deliberately waste fuel and cause premature engine deterioration.

 

So, hopefully now you understand better what it means to be a “Fiscal Conservative”.

Can you think of other examples of what it means to be a “fiscal conservative”? Leave it in the comments, and we may add it as an image here!

Why Rush Limbaugh is never wrong, and will never be sued

Rush Limbaugh likes to tell people that he is right 99.7% of the time. He also isn’t embroiled in continual lawsuits for slander. Since he is known for dramatic and extremely partisan statements, for three hours a day every weekday for more than 20 years, you might wonder how that is possible.

Well, my friends, I can tell you. I listen to Rush Limbaugh every day, mainly because God told me to, and have conducted an extended and in-depth analysis of his rhetorical style. As a result, I have been able to divine his amazing secret, his astounding trick for being ALWAYS RIGHT!

That’s right: I know his secret. And I am ready to reveal this secret to you. When you know his trick, you too will be able to say whatever you want, without ever being wrong.

Are you ready?  Here’s the secret…

 


 

“I wouldn’t want to go out on a limb and speculate, but I will tell you this: you certainly couldn’t be criticized for believing that Obama is a rapist!”

Suppose you want to convey this controversial idea: Obama is a rapist.

That’s juicy, isn’t it? Because you are a giddy, excited right-wing conservative, you are just tickled and delighted by the thought of spreading this notion around.

But you can’t just …. say it. Then, someone might be able to claim that you are wrong. And it’s important that you never be wrong.

“I don’t know if you have noticed, but nobody has been denying that Obama is a rapist!”

So what you do, is you dress it up. You put the thing you want to say inside another statement… importantly, the other statement has to be something that is true. And you let innuendo and implication do the rest.

“People have been telling me Obama is a rapist.”

It’s all more or less a variation of the Fox News “some say” tactic of reporting, except Rush Limbaugh is so much better at it than Fox News. He would never be as crass as to simply say “Some say….” He always has something just slightly more clever than that.

“Now, I haven’t seen any proof that Obama is a rapist, but ask yourself this: Isn’t that consistent with the things you already know about him?”

Many of these strategies involve asking questions rather than making statements. If it’s just a question, then you can never accuse him of being “wrong”, because he never actually said anything.

Another good strategy is to divert the entire conversation to motivations and implications, so that the basic “fact” is never an assertion but just a pre-supposition of the statements you are making.

“Now, it’s only natural that Obama would not want people to think of him as a rapist. So we have to ask the question, what could Obama do in order to stop speculation like that from spreading through the press?”

Notice that there is nothing in the above statements that could be considered “false”. Pretty brilliant, huh?

Do not doubt me on this, my friends! I know of what I speak, and after decades of training and analysis, I can see the truth very clearly… and this is very clearly the brilliant, mastermind strategy employed by the great el-Rushbo.

You want to never be wrong about anything? You can do the same thing, too.

 


Rush Limbaugh

Obama says “Fuck You” to all Christians while fellating a Hitler statue

Obama giving the finger while giving oral sex to a statue of Hitler

I know what you’re thinking: “Ooooh, that title is so edgy and controversial!”

Or:  “Isn’t that title is going a bit too far?”

Or even: “I somewhat suspect that the title of this article might not be literally  true!”

NONSENSE!  And I will explain why.

 

We live in the social media age! Nobody really expects newspaper headlines to be literally true any more! How would that get pageviews? More importantly, how would that get people all riled up so that they will yell, and scream, and go out and vote for their team party in November?

Nuh uh. No way. Conservatives are used to headlines that everybody knows aren’t literally true. They are meant to be… suggestive. Impressionistic. Artistic, even!

I will give you two examples.

EXAMPLE 1: Obama says FUCK YOU to all Christians

On Monday, Obama signed an executive order is banning federal contractors from discriminating against lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender employees. More important, however, that executive order contained nothing to allow for religion-based exemptions.

This means that if your company gets money from the federal government, then you cannot discriminate against gay or transgender people in your hiring or firing practices. Of course, if you are a devout religious company, you can still discriminate against gay and transgender people as much as you want… as long as you simply refuse to take money from the federal government.

Nobody is forcing you to take money from the federal government.

What is the headline over at Fox News?

Obama’s LGBT Executive Order ENDANGERS RELIGIOUS LIBERTY!!

You can read the whole article if you want, but here is a selection of some of the words and phrases that make an appearance: coercion, blackmail, bullies, forced compliance, and finally: “The Obama administration seems hell-bent on forcing Christians to assimilate to the militant LGBT agenda.”

And that’s just in mainstream conservative media… it doesn’t even begin to touch what you can find in the right-wing blogosphere. According to the headlines on social media, Obama isn’t just persecuting Christians, he is giving a big “FUCK YOU!” to every single Christian on the planet.

Now, conservatives don’t really believe that Obama is doing this.

They couldn’t possibly. That would be stupid. Conservatives aren’t stupid.

Therefore, they must just know that headlines aren’t meant to be taken literally.

 

EXAMPLE 2: While fellating a statue of Hitler

On Tuesday, a three-judge panel on the U.S. Court of Appeals for the D.C. Circuit has decided that the exact phrasing of the part of the Obamacare legislation that describes subsidies given to poor people stipulates that Obamacare exchange customers who are in exchanges established by the federal government, not a state, cannot legally be given subsidies.

This decision has no force of law… yet.  It was not announced by the full court. It will be appealed. And, a different appeals court has actually handed down the opposite decision on a similar case. All of this has to be sorted out before any action is taken.

So, the White House will, completely legally and in every other way according to the normal way things are done in America, continue to act as though nothing has been decided yet.

Why? Because nothing has been decided yet.

What is the headline over at the Daily Caller?

White House to IGNORE court ruling!

“The Obama administration will continue handing out Obamacare subsidies to federal exchange customers despite a federal court’s ruling Tuesday that the subsidies are illegal!”

OH. MY. GOD!!!   How dare that lawless Obama!  He’s refusing to immediately comply with a court’s sort-of decision! Has he no respect for separation of powers????

 

….Of course, anybody who actually reads these articles or researches the story at all knows full well that Obama is not “ignoring” a court ruling, and that the subsidies have not been determined to be “illegal” just yet. The case is still winding its way through the system.

But once again, conservatives know that headlines aren’t supposed to be taken literally, or factually. They are more like… an impressionistic painting.

Thus, you can convey the general truthiness of the event with the much more interesting headline saying that Obama is a FASCIST DICTATOR and he might as well BE FELLATING A STATUE OF HITLER.

 


 

Conservatives don’t really expect headlines to be literal. Headlines are more  of…. an art form.

To think otherwise would imply that conservatives are really, really stupid.

And conservatives aren’t that stupid.

…Right?

What July 4th means to me: the 2014 edition

Ronald Reagan gave a very famous speech at CPAC in 1974  in which he tells a story about the day the constitution was signed.  He gave another variation of the same speech in 1981, in a speech called “What July 4th Means To Me”. This is an excerpt:

The myth goes that on July 4, 1776, while sequestered behind locked doors, the Continental Congress of the 13 British Colonies, our Founding Fathers, were in hot debate on whether or not to sign the Declaration of Independence and break from Great Britain. Most of the men feared for their lives and their family’s lives, for if they were to sign such a document, they would be traitors to the crown, and would almost certainly be put to death if found.

As these men were debating the issue, and leaning toward NOT signing, a mysterious man arises from out of nowhere. Citing the grievances that had brought them to this moment he said, ‘Sign that parchment. They may turn every tree into a gallows, every home into a grave and yet the words of that parchment can never die. For the mechanic in his workshop, they will be words of hope, to the slave in the mines—freedom.’ And he added, ‘If my hands were freezing in death, I would sign that parchment with my last ounce of strength. Sign, sign if the next moment the noose is around your neck, sign even if the hall is ringing with the sound of headman’s axe, for that parchment will be the textbook of freedom, the bible of the rights of man forever.’

And then it is said he fell back exhausted. But 56 delegates, swept by his eloquence, signed the Declaration of Independence, a document destined to be as immortal as any work of man can be. And according to the story, when they turned to thank him for his timely oratory, he could not be found nor were there any who knew who he was or how he had come in or gone out through the locked and guarded doors.

Now, of course, it’s all complete bullshit. The story is lifted and paraphrased from Washington and His Generals: or, Legends of the Revolution by George Lippard, published in 1847. But it is very plainly a fiction.

For one thing, independence was declared on July 2nd, the text of the Declaration was approved on July 4th, but the document wasn’t signed until August 2, 1776.  Even on August 2, not everyone was available, so several people signed later, including Elbridge Gerry, Oliver Wolcott, Lewis Morris, Thomas McKean and Matthew Thornton.

In fact: There was never any mass signing. There was never any moment in time when every single signer of the Declaration of Independence was in the same room at the same time. The above story could not ever have taken place, and certainly did not take place on July 4th, 1776.

But this kind of attention to factual detail has never mattered to real American Patriots.  What we like is a good story, right?

So, in honor of that tradition, and to celebrate July 4th 2014, we are please to present to you the revised, updated for a modern conservative era, 100% Liberal Bias Original ™ story of “What July 4th Means To Me” and the signing of the Declaration of Independence!

 


 

It was a dark and stormy night on July 4th, in the year 1776.  Our founding fathers, including George Washington, John Calvin, Ronald Reagan, and Jesus, were hanging out in a bar, because they were regular, down-to-earth Americans. They all carried shotguns, of course, which they had visibly displayed in their holsters so that any bad guys would see how strong and powerful they were and not cause any trouble.

And John Calvin said, “I won’t want to sign this, because it doesn’t have a bit that says anyone who even thinks about having an abortion will go directly to hell where she will be raped by the spawn of Beelzebub. I think that should be in this fine document before I sign it.”

And Ronald Reagan said, “I don’t want to sign this, because it doesn’t explicitly outlaw all taxation on rich people. Everybody knows that only poors should pay taxes. That’s what this whole war against the British was really about!”

And Jesus said, “I don’t want to sign this, because it doesn’t say that slavery is a God-given right that can never be taken away by any amendment, and black people can never ever vote no matter what! I don’t think I can support a document that could possibly be amended to allow black people to vote!”

So as they were wavering, the arch angel Moroni appeared riding a golden SUV. He was beautiful and muscular and the image of Republican manliness (no homo). And he said unto the founding fathers:

“DON’T BE RIDICULOUS!  We live in a totally Christian Nation, which means that we naturally would never, ever allow women to make reproductive decisions, tax rich people, or let black people vote! THAT WOULD BE SO STUPID! HAHAHAHAHAHA!”

And all of the Founding Fathers laughed with the angel, because they saw that it WAS stupid. And thus they agreed to sign, even though it is very obvious that they held these additional values in their hearts and nobody could possibly ever question it.

And that is how it really truly actually happened on July 4th, 1776. As you can see this means that today’s American Conservatives are exactly in line with what the really true and not made up at all founding fathers (no homo) actually wanted from our country.

Amen.

Ronald Reagan Riding a Velociraptor by SharpWriter
Ronald Reagan Riding a Velociraptor by SharpWriter