Ep 27: BREAKING: Michigan legalizes SHARIA LAW!

In a shocking announcement, the Michigan House of Representatives passes a bill that allows Muslims to ignore ANY federal laws that contradict the teaching of Mohammed, allowing them to put Sharia Law above United States law or even the Constitution.

In this video Zach Heltzel explains this shocking development and examines some of the terrifying possible consequences of this heinous bill.

Make sure you subscribe to our Youtube Channel to get notified about the latest episodes of Heltzel’s View.

Video direct link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H1oHrfRub7s

Five scientific facts PROVING climate change is a hoax!

Climate Change is not a fact, but the Rapture is, because my evidence is better than your evidence!

Aren’t you sick of the way liberals treat the calculations of so-called scientists–and even leading accounting firms like PWC–with so much reverence? All they can ever talk about is their liberal “facts” and their liberal “data”. Just this week you’d have read that:

CO2 levels are rising at a dramatically faster rate.”

More than half of US bird species threatened by climate change.”

We’re 20 years away from catastrophe, warns PricewaterhouseCoopers.”

None of that makes any sense to a Christian conservative. You see, what atheist liberals don’t understand is that God never makes any mistakes. Therefore, we have a few “facts” and “data” on our side as well:

FACT: God must want us to burn fossil fuels, because why else would he have buried so many fossils when he created the world 6,000 years ago?

FACT: God must want us to be rich, why else would he have made it so easy to send cash to Joel Osteen?

FACT: God wants us to know that climate change is a ridiculous stupid hoax, because otherwise why would he invent Fox News?

Atheist liberals are so fond of statistics, but here are the statistics that matter:

FACT: Only 24% of Americans–and only 10% of Republicans and Republican leaners–worry a “great deal” about the environment.

Why not? Because they trust God…. oh, and because THE RAPTURE IS COMING.

FACT: 41% of all Americans… more than half of the people living in the South… and 6 in 10 Evangelicals believe Jesus will return to Earth before 2050.

So there you have it, friends. Five scientific facts that prove that there is nothing to worry about. Let liberals plan their big climate march. Let world leaders make their pledges to take action.

Conservatives know better… because God.

Ep 16: Living in a Christian Nation: Republican thoughts on God and the law

Conservatives take for granted that we live in a Christian nation. But what does that mean? Zach pulls together quotes from today’s top conservative thinkers to explain the conservative view on law and religion.

Zach includes quotes from Sarah Palin, Rick Santorum, Mike Huckabee, Michael Hill and a special conservative guest at 2:11… you’ll never believe who it is!

 

Make sure you subscribe to our Youtube Channel to get notified about the latest episodes of Heltzel’s View.

Video direct link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SCGknoLG0Mw

Obamacare may make you burn your computer to save yourself from demons

Welcome to an all-new video feature from Pastor Gregory Stevens: “Christian and Answer”. In these short video clips, Pastor Gregory will answer one of your letters that you have written to him with your spiritual concerns.

In today’s episode, Pastor Gregory responds to a woman who is concerned that signing up on the Obamacare website could have left her vulnerable to possession by evil ghosts.

Make sure you subscribe to our Youtube Channel to get notified about every new installment of “Christian and Answer” from Pastor Gregory Stevens.

Video direct link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n4ArtFYh4Kg

Who will George Bush paint next? (with illustrations)

It should come at no surprise that former leader of the free world, turned Christian artist, George W. Bush has once again channeled his godly painting powers. We’ve seen his nude selfies and colorful cat works of painted wonder but now Bush has stepped up his game with an uncanny ability to ham-handily paint world-leader portraits.

This set of painted passion highlights the incredible leaders Mr. Bush had the pleasure of meeting during his presidency; from the Dalai Lama to Vladimir Putin, Mr. Bush has stroked the canvas with unbelievable talent.

But I have a suggestion. Why can’t Mr. Bush take his God-given talent to shine the spotlight on conservative leaders right here at home?  Don’t they deserve the same level of honor and recognition as, for example, Mr. Putin? Through Mr. Bush’s talents we can turn this country around with God, guns, and good-old-fashioned water colors!

Here are three suggestions to inspire Mr. Bush’ conservative canvas crusade, with my interpretation of what his paintings will probably look like:

 

Justice RobeertsChief Justice John Roberts is first on the list for his uncanny ability to fight for our freedom to buy elections. Thanks to Roberts and his four fellow Republican justices, wealthy politically active Americans are no longer limited to donate a petty $123,200 but now can spend as much as they want. Freedom isn’t free and nor are elections.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chuck Gast

Conservative martyr and former Mozilla CEO, Brendan Eich is second on the list for his unashamed commitment to Biblical homophobia. He and his company’s developers made some hefty donations to the anti-gay Proposition 8 campaign, to which LGBT* activists claimed he was violating Mozilla’s inclusion policies. In reality Brendan Eich was defending his religious freedom, making him a martyr for liberty!

 

 

 

 

Mozilla EichMissouri Rep. Chuck Gatschenberger gushes with GOP brilliance as he ignores the 260,000 Missourians who are going without affordable health care and focused on forcing women to wait 3 days before being allowed an abortion. He truly shined as he defended the bill against angry feminzai’s, “I was just considering getting carpeting in my house. That process probably took a month… I wanted to be as informed as possible, and that’s what this bill is, having them get as much information as possible.”

QUIZ: Fatwa or Tea Party Law?


The crazy liberal nut jobs are after us Republicans again! They’re now saying that the religious right and Muslim religious extremists are mirror images of one another. How dare they!? We all know it’s liberals like Barack Hussein Obama who are in the Muslim brotherhood!

So, to prove how different conservative Christians are from conservative Muslims, just take the following quiz. The results will speak for themselves!

Take the quiz!

1. It is illegal to base laws on science

2. The Sun revolves around the Earth

3. Girls are not allowed to dress like boys.

4. Rape is sometimes both legal and encouraged.

5. Stealing is not illegal if you are stealing from those beneath you.

6. Mickey Mouse is evil.

7. Anyone able to work should work, regardless of age.

8. If a policeman comes into your home, you may shoot him.

Hobby Lobby pays to kill innocent babies by forced abortion in China

Hobby Lobby says they are Christian. They say they love God. They claim that the reason they don’t want to pay for employee health insurance is that some of that money might end up paying for someone’s abortion, and they hate abortion. This is their argument:

1) If we pay for health insurance for our employees, that money goes into a pool of money that the health insurance company has to pay for things.

2) If that health insurance company covers abortions, then they might take some money out of that pool and give it to a hospital that performed an abortion.

3) Therefore, if we pay for health insurance for our employees it is the same as if we were paying for abortions.

Hobby Lobby thinks that paying for insurance that pays hospitals that pays doctors who perform abortions is like paying for abortions.
Hobby Lobby thinks that paying for insurance that pays hospitals that pays doctors who perform abortions is like paying for abortions.

As a result, they object, because they don’t want to pay for abortions.

This style of argument is common. This is the same logic that we use to deny public funding to Planned Parenthood, even though only a teeny tiny fraction of what Planned Parenthood does has anything to do with abortion.  The logic is like this:

1) If public money goes to Planned Parenthood, then it goes into  a big bucket with all of their other money.

2) Some part of the money in that bucket might get used to pay a doctor who performs an abortion.

3) Therefore, if any public money at all goes to Planned Parenthood in any way, then it is the same as if we are paying for abortions.

Using tax money to pay Planned Parenthood who might use some of that money to pay a doctor to perform an abortion is like paying for an abortion.
Using tax money to pay Planned Parenthood who might use some of that money to pay a doctor to perform an abortion is like paying for an abortion.

As a result, we object to public money going to Planned Parenthood, because we don’t want to pay for abortions. As you can see, the logic is impeccable.

Unfortunately, THERE IS A PROBLEM!!!!

Hobby Lobby buys some of its materials from Chinese companies! Now, everybody knows that Chinese companies pay money to the Chinese government in taxes, and the Chinese government forces women in China to have abortions.

Notice, this follows exactly the same logic:

1) If Hobby Lobby pays companies in China for their products, then that money goes into a big pool of money owned by the Chinese company.

2) If that Chinese company pays taxes, then some of their tax money will go toward GOVERNMENT-FORCED ABORTIONS IN CHINA.

3) Therefore, when Hobby Lobby buys products from China it is exactly as if Hobby Lobby is FORCING CHINESE PEOPLE TO GET ABORTIONS.

When Hobby Lobby buys products made in China it is exactly as if they are forcing Chinese women to have abortions.
When Hobby Lobby buys products made in China it is exactly as if they are forcing Chinese women to have abortions.

Clearly, as you can see, the logic is the same.

So, Hobby Lobby, I ask you this:

Why do you hate babies?

Why do you hate God?

Don’t you realize that the only way to be Godly–using the logic that you are using to deny employees health insurance–is to make everything yourself and not interact with the world economy at all?

Honestly, Hobby Lobby. I thought you were better than this.

Baby-killers.

 

10 reasons conservatives CANNOT believe in the Big Bang Theory

God versus Big Bang Theory of the origin of the universe has receive supporting evidence recently

God versus Big Bang Theory of the origin of the universe has receive supporting evidence recently

Once again, science has found even more evidence for the “Big Bang Theory” of the origins of the universe. This whole “evidence” situation has gotten so bad that plenty of conservatives are ready to give up on their deeply-held beliefs. “So what if the universe is billions of years old?” they say. “After all, I can still believe that God  was the one who created the Big Bang in the first place, right?”

WRONG!!!!!!!

This kind of thinking completely ignores the stark realities of the political world we live in today. To understand the conservative position on the origin of the universe, you have to understand conservative psychology.

To that end, here are 10 good reasons why no real conservative can ever, ever, EVER accept the Big Bang theory of the creation of the universe:

1. If you admit the universe is old, THE OTHER SIDE WINS

And they will gloat. And they will rub it in your face. You don’t want that, do you?

2. If you admit the universe is old, YOU ARE BETRAYING YOUR OWN KIND

Plenty of Republican politicians have gotten up in front of people and said they don’t believe in the Big Bang. If you suddenly say that you are a conservative, and you do believe in the Big Bang… well, they’ll just feel stupid, won’t they? These are good people, with honest hearts. Why would you do that to them? Huh? Why?

3. If God meant us to believe in things like “background radiation” and “quarks”, they would be in the Bible

The Hebrew word for “quark” is קווארק and it doesn’t appear anywhere in Genesis. Genesis mentions everything that is important: animals, plants, people, sea monsters, and so on. Obviously, these “quark” things that physicists talk about are not important.

4. God would never do that

It’s pretty clear that God’s entire focus is just on human beings and nothing else, and creating a big universe that existed for billions of years just makes no sense. What a waste of time.

5. If the Big Bang theory might be right, then THE LIBERALS WIN

We can’t allow them to be right about ANYTHING. At all. Don’t you understand????

6. The Big Bang theory is just a trick to get people to believe in evolution

We can’t allow people to believe the Big Bang theory, because it’s a slippery slope. If they believe the Big Bang theory, next they might believe evolution. If they believe evolution, it automatically follows that all morality is relative and people can marry squid and mass murder may as well be acceptable DO YOU WANT TO LIVE IN THAT HELL HOLE????

7. The Big Bang theory is just a tool to make you feel less special

According to the Big Bang theory, you’re not special. But that is mean, why would anyone tell you that you’re not special??? You ARE SPECIAL. And you deserve to feel special. See? I told you the Big Bang theory was wrong.

8. If you admit that religious people might be wrong about the age of the earth, you are BETRAYING YOUR RELIGION.

Think of all of those nice people at church. These are people you spend Sundays with, and trade baked goods with. They are nice people, who care about you. They are sweet and generous. Why would you BETRAY THEM by saying that the earth is more than 6,000 years old? Why would you do such a thing? WHY?

9. Barack Obama believes in the Big Bang theory

Actually, he’s never said that publicly. But he just looks like the kind of person who does. You don’t want to agree with Barack Obama about anything. People might think you’re a socialist. Or a demon. Or pervert. Or a socialist demon-pervert.

10. If the Big Bang theory is right, THE OTHER SIDE WINS

Did you not get the memo? It’s us against them. You HAVE to believe that the universe is 6,000 years old. You have to, because that’s what our side believes. If you believe something different, it’s like you are rooting for the other team to win. And they are bad people. They believe in murdering fetuses and sodomizing each other. You don’t want people like THAT to win, do you? DO YOU?????

 


 

Help the cause by passing around these stickers:

I don't believe #1 I don't believe #2I don't believe #3

God’s Law: 13 laws to make America a REAL Christian Nation

Is America a Christian nation? Of course! Former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay teaches us that the word of God has “manifested in what is called the Constitution of the United States. God created this nation and God created the Constitution; it is written on biblical principles.” DeLay gets it: he’s the real deal, a full fledge bible-believing-Jesus-loving-God-fearing Republican.

It’s about time the rest of us conservatives join Delay’s mission. We must stop just calling America “God’s country” and begin to truly act it out! God has given us a beautiful vision of American Theocracy.  The Biblical narrative is rich in poetic legal codes that we too can use as we develop, under the complete and total reign of God, a true Conservative American Theocracy!

Here’s a short list of God’s legislative plan on purifying the filthy liberals in our great nation through American Theocracy:

Gods Law: free baby birds for everyone!God’s Law #1: Imprison anyone and everyone who eats cats. They are the animals of God’s fiercest desire, they’ve been specifically created for BuzzFeed articles and Instagram pictures. A grumpy cat makes for a grumpy God. (Leviticus 11:27)

God’s Law #2: Pet Shops MUST give away baby birds to anyone who asks. End of story.  (Deuteronomy 22:6-7)

God’s Law #3: Ruthlessly slaughter anyone with a different religion… except Mormons, thanks to Mitt Romney even God can be paid off. (Deuteronomy 17:2-7)

God's Law: go live in a treeGod’s Law #4: Once a year every American MUST live in a tree.  (Leviticus 23:39-43)

God’s Law #5: Imprison anyone with an un-cut penis. Ain’t nobody got time for all that extra skin! (Genesis 17:11)

God’s Law #6: Every college football fan and player must “Tebow” after every play, after all Saturday football is on the Sabbath. God specifically commanded against any work on the Sabbath, but when you look as good as Tim Tebow, even God makes exceptions. (Leviticus 23:3)

God's Law: touch a furry puppy and go to prison for lifeGod’s Law #7: If you even toucheth a furry puppy, you get imprisoned for life. Filthy sinner. (Leviticus 5:2)

God’s Law #8: If your puppy tries to hump your leg, you must kill it. (Leviticus 20:15-16)

God’s Law #9: Ugly people shall be punished by law! With enough Botox, God’s vision is to create The Real House Wives of America Theocracy. (Leviticus 21:17-18)

God’s Law #10: Mandatory 5 days in prison for any of those teenage-mutants with torn up clothes and ripped jeans. Fashion is meant to be holy, not a holey mess. (Leviticus 10:6)

Gods Law: thou shalt hate flowersGod’s Law #11: Thou shalt hate flowers! Clean your hands and brush off those knees ladies, getting down and dirty wasn’t meant for the garden but the bedroom. (Leviticus 19:19)

God’s Law #12: Crucify any Mother that goes to church within 33 days of giving birth to a boy, and 66 days after giving birth to a girl. Girls are far more of a hassle to raise than men, so God requires women to stay at home and do their duties. (Leviticus 4-5)

God’s Law #13: Burn anyone at the stake that doesn’t attend Christmas and Easter church services. And even if they do show up, imprison them if they don’t put money in the offering plate. (Exodus 23:14)

The Arizona Bible, and the 5 Commandments of Cake

The 5 Commandments of Cake

The single most important issue in Arizona politics today is cake. Christians want to be allowed to follow their deeply-held beliefs about who gets cake, and who does not get cake.

They have told the world that giving cake to homosexuals is AGAINST THEIR RELIGION. It is against the Bible, and against the teachings of Jesus. If you force them to sell cake to homosexuals then you are forcing them to go against the most deeply-held beliefs of their Christianity!

But is it really true?

As it happens, the Bible only mentions “cake” three times, and it is in the context of David giving cakes of dates and raisins to people (1 Samuel 30:12, 2 Samuel 6:19, and 1 Chronicles 16:3). These were not wedding cakes. I’m not sure what would happen if you tried to make a wedding cake out of dates and raisins, but I’m pretty sure those customers would not be happy.

So the Bible doesn’t literally say that Christians can’t sell cakes to homosexuals. In fact, the Bible doesn’t actually forbid Christians from engaging in any types of economic transactions with homosexuals.

Moreover, Jesus was known for giving stuff, including baked goods, away for free to large numbers of people. Often to sinners.

So according to most Biblical scholarship, there is nothing in Christian belief that forbids Christians from selling cake to homosexuals.

So where do Arizona Christians get this idea from?

Apparently, the Arizona Christian Bible is different. In Arizona, they know God better than God knows himself.

It’s possible that in Arizona, the Bible says that they are not allowed to sell bread to black people.  Maybe soon we will find out that Arizona Christians are morally obligated to not sell croissants to Jews.

What’s to stop them? In Arizona, apparently they are just so darned Christian that they can make shit up, and call any feeling they have a “deeply held Christian belief” that they want the rest of the world to respect.

So, in the spirit of the very special Arizona Bible, which has nothing to do with actual Christianity, we present to you:

THE FIVE COMMANDMENTS OF CAKE! 
(from the Arizona Bible, 2014 Edition)

The 5 Commandments of Cake
Excerpt from the official Arizona Bible, 2014 Edition, followed by all Good Arizona Christians.

 

God loves Roger Ailes anyway… because he’s a conservative.

Roger Ailes
Roger Ailes
Look how cute and cuddly. How could he possibly be a sinner?

In attempt to defeat the overwhelming conservatism of the American people, left-wing psychopaths have once again concocted malicious stories about conservatives. In this case, their target is faithful Christian prophet and Fox News CEO, Roger Ailes.

According to Gabriel Sherman, the author of the not-so-long awaited new biography detailing the inner workings of Ailes and his Fox News empire, “The Loudest Voice In The Room,” Ailes is a sex-hungry adulterer. With a volcanic temper and pulsating private parts, he apparently offered producer Randi Harrison an additional $100 each week “if [she] agree to have sex with [Ailes] whenever” he asked.

In 2012 he supposedly told Fox News executives he wanted to elect Mitt Romney for president and that he would use his media platform to “toxify” the public opinion in support of the Romney/Ryan ticket.

Oh, and he made some random anti-Semitic remarks.

Liberals have used all of this to suggest that somehow Ailes is a “bad person” or a “bad Christian” or a “hypocrite”.

NOTHING COULD BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH!

In 2nd Corinthians 12:10 we read, “Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.”

When Ailes is weak, then he is strong. It says so, right in the Bible. All of his cock-throbbing, adultering, antisemitic anger-management problems are simply the way that he expresses his strength through Christianity.

Of course, in this day and age, Fox News was forced to release a statement saying, “These charges are false” and “we have not read the book.” But the fact is, even if they are completely true, it doesn’t mean he’s a bad Christian or a bad person. He’s a conservative, after all.

Liberals don’t understand this, but that is just because they don’t understand Christianity… or at least, they don’t understand it the way that good conservatives do!

FACTCHECK: Did Phil Robertson quote scripture?

Now that the dust has settled on the Duck Dynasty debacle, everyone has had a chance to take a deep breath and relax in the knowledge that nothing has really changed. It is worth examining one of the keystone claims under debate about the clash between Phil Robertson and A&E:

Was Phil Robertson suspended from A&E (temporarily) for quoting scripture?

The left, of course, claims that he was not. They claim that he was suspended (temporarily) for being crass, rude, insulting and offensive.

The right, on the other hand, claims that he was suspended (temporarily) for merely uttering the words of the Lord Almighty as transcribed in the Holy Bible (Amen).

Unfortunately, all that A&E said was that he was suspended for “offensive remarks”, without precisely spelling out which words were at issue. So we are left with something of a scavenger hunt: were any of the “offensive” things that Phil said actually Bible Verse?

Let us examine his actual words.

QUOTE:

“It seems like, to me, a vagina—as a man—would be more desirable than a man’s anus. That’s just me. I’m just thinking: There’s more there! She’s got more to offer. I mean, come on, dudes! You know what I’m saying?”

VERDICT

Probably not a Bible Verse. Despite performing a large number of searches for different combinations of key phrases such as “there’s more there!” and “know what I’m saying?” and “anus”, nothing even remotely like this seems to be in the Bible. Which is a shame, because more people would probably read the Bible if it talked more about the relative merits of anus and vagina.

Anus in the Bible

QUOTE:

“Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men.”

VERDICT

Probably not a Bible Verse. Although the last part does bear some similarity to the lyrics of the 1990’s dance song “Girls and Boys” by Blur. Someone should check into that. Otherwise, the Bible doesn’t discuss very many things using the term “morph out from there”.

 

QUOTE:

“From the beginning Jesus said, ‘It is a man and a woman.’ Adam was made and Eve was made for this reason. They left their fathers and mothers and be united to become one flesh, that’s what marriage is all about.”

VERDICT

ALMOST A BIBLE VERSE! This is very nearly Matthew 19:4-5, in which Jesus says: “Don’t you know that in the beginning the Creator made a man and a woman? That’s why a man leaves his father and mother and gets married. He becomes like one person with his wife.”

Awesome. However, the problem is that this was Jesus answering the Pharisees in Matthew 19:3, who asked, “Is it right for a man to divorce his wife for just any reason?”

So this quote is about the terrible sinfulness of divorce. It has nothing to do with homosexuality. Or at least: it didn’t when Jesus said it.

 

QUOTE:

“Don’t be deceived. Neither the adulterers, the idolaters, the male prostitutes, the homosexual offenders, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers, the swindlers—they won’t inherit the kingdom of God.”

VERDICT

ALMOST A BIBLE VERSE! The quote that he was aiming for here was 1 Corinthians 6:9-10. Unfortunately, this is a fairly tricky verse to deal with, because of the many different ways that it has been translated.

Let’s look at just a few examples of the key homo passage in 1 Corinthians 6:9.

New International Version
Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men

New Living Translation

Don’t fool yourselves. Those who indulge in sexual sin, or who worship idols, or commit adultery, or are male prostitutes, or practice homosexuality,

World English Bible
Don’t be deceived. Neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor male prostitutes, nor homosexuals,

English Standard Version
Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality,

NET Bible

Do not be deceived! The sexually immoral, idolaters, adulterers, passive homosexual partners, practicing homosexuals,

Jubilee Bible 2000

Do not err: neither fornicators nor idolaters nor adulterers nor effeminate nor homosexuals

King James Bible
Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind,

King James 2000 Bible
Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind,

American King James Version
Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind,

Weymouth New Testament

Cherish no delusion here. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor any who are guilty of unnatural crime,

Young’s Literal Translation
be not led astray; neither whoremongers, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor sodomites,

Douay-Rheims Bible
Do not err: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers,

 


 

We can see immediately that there are some problems with the “inerrant word of the Lord” when we compare these side-by-side. Although the word “homosexual” appears in one form or another in most of these translations, it does not appear in all of them and it does not appear in any of the versions of the very famous “King James” translation.

Should we really assume that certain slangy phrases, like “abusers of themselves with mankind”, really do refer to homosexualism? Even if we do assume that, the last several translations on the list do not mention homosex at all in any form.

Some people argue that Young’s Literal Translation includes homosexuality in “sodomites”, but this is technically incorrect: “sodomy” simply refers to any act that is not penis-to-vagina intercourse, and therefore a heterosexual man who likes getting blowjobs is “sodomite” and a celibate gay person is not.

(Side Note: You gotta love the NET Bible, which calls out a specific sexual position. Apparently being gay is bad, but if you’re the one getting boinked then it’s REALLY bad. You get extra special sin points for being the “bottom”, and even more so if you like show tunes and fashionable outfits, it seems.)

 


 

The Final Verdict: MEH… CLOSE ENOUGH

None of the things that Phil Robertson were actually Bible quotes, but to of them were kind of close and the other two were stuff that Jesus was probably thinking and just never got around to writing down.

So, we might as well just give this a “Politifact Mostly True” rating and call it a day.

Mostly Bullshit

Republican Jesus knows how to talk to women

Conservative legislators are meeting with the National Republican Congressional Committee to discuss how to talk to women. But as the most Christian party of the most Christian nation, Republicans shouldn’t need to be coached by the NRCC.

They should be coached by the Bible, and the Good Book is very clear.

  • “I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent.” 1 Timothy 2:12
  • “Women are not allowed to speak, but must be in submission, as the Law says. If they want to inquire about something, they should ask their own husbands at home.” 1 Corinthians 14
  • “The head of a woman is her husband…Any woman who prays or prophesies with her head unveiled dishonors her head–it is the same as if her head were shaven…Woman is the glory of man. Man was not created for woman, but woman for man.” -1 Corinthians 11
  • “Train women…to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.” Titus 2:4-5

The Bible says it and that settles it!

At the sacrifice of Biblical patriarchy, these legislators are being trained in the fallacy of modern day equality by “politically correct” anti-traditional coaches. We as Christians must proclaim the timeless truths of Godly Womanhood before the demonic forces of liberal-equality take captive our Grand Old Party!

If you are a Republican who believes in the literal interpretation of the Bible, you know that women need to hush up and get out of politics, out of leadership, and out of the voting booth!  If you are a Conservative Christian, then you know that one of the greatest failures of our country was the right for women to vote.

Women, just shut up! It’s what REPUBLICAN JESUS would have wanted.

Example of a good Christian woman

Halloween costume tips for the Good Christian Conservative

As usual, the incredibly irrational, spookishly socialist, and frighteningly foolish Halloween “holiday” has taken over the month of October! This silly mess of a holiday is a liberal attack on the Christian faith, not to mention a sales pitch for the socialist agenda as our dearly beloved children run around the streets of our suburban neighborhoods asking for candy-HAND-OUTS!

Many of you didn’t heed last year’s warning that Halloween has a Satanic liberal bias and will eat your children, so this year I’m going to offer a Biblical approach. Go ahead and dress up on October 31, but not because it’s “Halloween”. Instead, dress up because God says it’s fun to dress up!

“Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths.” (Genesis 3:7)

There is a 6,000 year old Christian tradition of wearing loincloths, and what better way to celebrate this random day of the year but by dressing up as the first human beings God created! There are few things more Christian than Adam, after all it was his sperm that populated the whole Earth!

(Speaking of sperm: be careful when choosing this costume, because there is a chance that if you are a guy and you dress up in nothing but a loincloth it might come across as really, really, really, really, really, really gay… which is clearly not how God intended it.)

 

Armor of God

“Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil.” (Ephesians 6:11-12)

Here’s an easy one, dress up with God’s armor! Grab yourself a shield with a cross on it, some sweet boots, and a big sword. Prepare yourself for battle; we all know there will be copious amounts of sorcery on the streets of your suburb this October 31st… you can be the warrior that defends Jesus by fighting off the occult!

“She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong.” (Proverbs 31:17)

Listen up ladies! Chug a few protein shakes, hit the gym a few days a week, and start prepping yourself to be the godly and muscular woman you were created to be! A great wholesome costume for the family, especially one your husband will enjoy.

“Put on righteousness as my clothing; justice was my robe and my turban.” (Job 29:14I)

Job had the great idea to put on righteousness and justice as his rob, and you can do the same! If I were you, I’d portray justice with a few Mitt Romney stickers and righteousness with a giant wedding ring, after all it’s traditional heterosexual monogamous families that matter this season!

End Times costume

“Buy gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see.” (Revelation 3:18)

What better way to celebrate the end of October than with the End Times? Pull off the bed sheets and wrap your naked self with the beauty of white silk! I’ve seen some killer eye paint used for salve before too – check out Pinterest for some tricks and tips, if you’ve never worked with salve before it can be kind of tricky.

Dressed in white sheets and eye paint, some uneducated heathens will probably think that you are just dressed up as a ghost or a ghoul… but you will know better: you are dressed in the End-Times Garb that God intended!

If you’re wanting that old fashion disciple look, you could go with Jesus’ fashion advice:

“But now if you have a purse, take it, and also a bag; and if you don’t have a sword, sell your cloak and buy one.” (Luke 22:36)

A costume that involves a purse, a bag, and a sword but no cloak might seem a little questionable… but don’t worry, Jesus said it was ok.

Amidst all these great ideas, the Word of God is also very clear on what not to do! So as you and your traditional family decide what to wear on October 31st don’t forget to abide by these Biblical commandments:

  1. NOTHING EXPENSIVE! “Likewise also that women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire” (1 Timothy 2:9).
  2. DO NOT WEAR DRAG! “A woman shall not wear a man’s garment, nor shall a man put on a woman’s cloak, for whoever does these things is an abomination to the Lord your God” (Deuteronomy 22:5).
  3. DO NOT GET GORY!  “You shall not make any cuts on your body for the dead or tattoo yourselves: I am the Lord” (Leviticus 19:28).
  4. DO NOT WEAR ANYTHING PRE-MADE! “Do not wear costumes woven of two kinds of material” (Leviticus 19:19). This covers almost any store-bought costumes.

Halloween is a dirty pagan mess of sorcery and witchcraft, but you can still celebrate it the Lord’s way. Just make sure to follow God’s rules about how to dress up… and then go kill some witches (Exodus 22:18)!

Modern-day prophet, Britney Spears, delivers hard economic truths

Britney Spears: noted conservative economist

Cutting 4 million people from the national food stamps program is by far the most Christian political move our nation can make this year. Just ask Britney Spears.

Consider Britney Spears’ new gloriously up-beat and awe inspiring song, “Work B*tch”. Although it is cleverly disguised as a pop song, this hymn of economic conservatism makes it clear that the problems many of the shameful Americans choosing to live in poverty could be solved with one simple solution we conservatives have been shouting for years: “Work B*tch!”

It sure is amazing how God uses all people, even Britney Spears, to communicate some of the most fundamental truths about reality,

 

You want a hot body? You want a Bugatti?
You want a Maserati? You better work bitch

You want a Lamborghini? Sippin martinis?
Look hot in a bikini? You better work bitch

 

This poetic display of economic brilliance shatters the liberal lies about the “importance” of contextualization, education, and other small pointless variables! Those who chose to live in the misery of poverty, with a poor education, a poor access to the amenities of life, shouldn’t expect me and my wealthy friends to pay for their problems.

 

The tragic myth that the Christian faith requires one to support legislation that promotes the dignity and worth of all humanity is, frankly, disgusting. If these poor people were actually Christian, they wouldn’t be poor!

It’s often repeated in the Proverbs that poverty is a sign of sluggish weakness and not the power of Christ in you that makes you poor.

“The way of the sluggard is blocked with thorns, but the path of the upright is a highway.” Proverbs 15:19

The message the bible and we political engaged Christians should be telling those who support the continual funding of the socialist food stamps program is just as the Proverb says, “stop being a lazy fool and get on the highway of success!”

The most Christian response to the food stamp debauchery of the political left is to let those few hungry people starve. If they struggle to survive, they might actually fight for the life we Christians cherish so much.

Former Ohio Secretary of State Ken Blackwell explained it in the Christian Post, saying that there is “nothing more Christian” than kicking low-income, hungry, children and families off food stamps.

But the same idea is summarized more succinctly by Mrs. Spears, “You better work bitch!”