Today’s letter is about the quintessential American topic: the relationship between guns and God.
Well, I think we have to be careful how we interpret scripture here. Interpreting scripture can be very tricky. As we all know, since liberals always get it wrong.
So let’s start with Jesus. It might surprise you that I’m saying this, but Jesus would not carry a gun!
Why not, you ask? Not because he was some kind of sissy… but because Jesus was God and God doesn’t need guns! God uses lightening bolts, heart attacks, and hurricanes to wipe out sinners.
Why would Jesus carry a gun when he can flood the whole planet and “destroy every man whom [he has] created from the face of the earth” (Genesis 6:7)? Or when he can “rain down burning sulfur” like he did on the Homosexuals of Sodom and Gomorrah (Genesis 19:4-5)? Or even when he can transform wicked women into pillars of salt, like with Lot’s heathen wife (Genesis 19:26).
So Jesus wouldn’t carry a gun… but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t!
Now, some liberals will take quotes out of context from scripture to try to claim that Jesus was non-violent. But obviously they are just cherry-picking. Even worse: they are cherry-picking the wrong things. So let me show you which passages you should cherry-pick instead:
“And David said to his men, ‘Every man strap on his sword!’ And every man of them strapped on his sword. David also strapped on his sword. And about four hundred men went up after David, while two hundred remained with the baggage.” –1 Samuel 25:13
“The LORD is a man of war: the LORD is his name… Thy right hand, O LORD, is become glorious in power: thy right hand, O LORD, hath dashed in pieces the enemy.” –Exodus 15:6
“Blessed be the Lord, my rock, who trains my hands for war, and my fingers for battle…” – Psalm 144:1
“Now hang on a minute!” some liberals might say, “That was the Old Testament! What did Jesus ever say about packing heat?”
As it turns out, Jesus does want us to open-carry, and said so right in scripture. All it takes is applying the right kind of interpretation to the literal word of God.
For example, take the Sermon on the Mount. “Blessed are the poor,” he said. But how could the poor ever be blessed when they’re just a bunch of lazy, government sucking, welfare queens? If they have guns, they are demonstrating for all to see that they are working hard to uphold their constitutional commitments! This directly honors God, since God wrote the constitution.
So obviously, when Jesus says “Blessed are the poor,” He is advocating open carry. It’s right there in the Bible.
Another example: “Blessed are the peacemakers…” also appears in the Sermon on the Mount. But how can we keep peace in our families and our churches without guns? To quote Reverend Pat Robertson, “Violent attacks and even deaths on church property occur far more often than people realize…The good news: you can protect yourself. What are you going to do? You going to give church members AK-47s at the door to let them blow away those intruders?”
So when Jesus says “Blessed are the peacemakers,” He is saying you should pack heat. It’s right there in the Bible.
Reverend Pat Robertson very wisely concludes, “What is the new Beatitude? Blessed are the fully armed for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.”
At this point, liberals usually whine something about “loving your enemies,” but once again this is a liberal misinterpretation of scripture. In Mere Christianity, C. S. Lewis explained, “Does loving your enemy mean not punishing him? No, for loving myself does not mean that I ought not to subject myself to punishment — even to death.”
Obviously, when Jesus said “love your enemies” he meant you should kick their asses and shoot them in the face… but, you know, in a loving way.
Embrace your gun. Show off your gun. Love your gun. Liberals might call you a “gun-toting, open-carry nutjob” … but to me, that’s just another word for “Christian”!
It’s all right there, in the Bible. Piece be with you,