Every scriptural argument for being a gun-toting, open-carry nutjob!

Some Christians ask, "What heat would Jesus pack?" But that is the wrong question.
Jesus wants you to pack heat. Jesus wants you to open-carry. And if society says that means you are a “crazy gun nut”…. then so be it!

Today’s letter is about the quintessential American topic: the relationship between guns and God.

Dear Pastor Gregory,

My son wants to buy a gun to protect our family. I have been hesitant to buy him the machine gun he wants because I thought my faith in Jesus meant I had to be non-violent or something. As a single mother I could really use his protection, but I want to know what is best for my family! Would Jesus carry a gun?

Concerned Parent

Well, I think we have to be careful how we interpret scripture here. Interpreting scripture can be very tricky. As we all know, since liberals always get it wrong.

So let’s start with Jesus. It might surprise you that I’m saying this, but Jesus would not carry a gun!

Why not, you ask? Not because he was some kind of sissy… but because Jesus was God and God doesn’t need guns! God uses lightening bolts, heart attacks, and hurricanes to wipe out sinners.

Why would Jesus carry a gun when he can flood the whole planet and “destroy every man whom [he has] created from the face of the earth” (Genesis 6:7)? Or when he can “rain down burning sulfur” like he did on the Homosexuals of Sodom and Gomorrah (Genesis 19:4-5)? Or even when he can transform wicked women into pillars of salt, like with Lot’s heathen wife (Genesis 19:26).

So Jesus wouldn’t carry a gun… but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t!


Now, some liberals will take quotes out of context from scripture to try to claim that Jesus was non-violent. But obviously they are just cherry-picking. Even worse: they are cherry-picking the wrong things. So let me show you which passages you should cherry-pick instead:

“And David said to his men, ‘Every man strap on his sword!’ And every man of them strapped on his sword. David also strapped on his sword. And about four hundred men went up after David, while two hundred remained with the baggage.”1 Samuel 25:13

“The LORD is a man of war: the LORD is his name… Thy right hand, O LORD, is become glorious in power: thy right hand, O LORD, hath dashed in pieces the enemy.” –Exodus 15:6

“Blessed be the Lord, my rock, who trains my hands for war, and my fingers for battle…” – Psalm 144:1

 

“Now hang on a minute!” some liberals might say, “That was the Old Testament! What did Jesus ever say about packing heat?”

As it turns out, Jesus does want us to open-carry, and said so right in scripture. All it takes is applying the right kind of interpretation to the literal word of God.

For example, take the Sermon on the Mount.  “Blessed are the poor,” he said. But how could the poor ever be blessed when they’re just a bunch of lazy, government sucking, welfare queens? If they have guns, they are demonstrating for all to see that they are working hard to uphold their constitutional commitments! This directly honors God, since God wrote the constitution.

So obviously, when Jesus says “Blessed are the poor,” He is advocating open carry. It’s right there in the Bible.

Another example: “Blessed are the peacemakers…” also appears in the Sermon on the Mount. But how can we keep peace in our families and our churches without guns? To quote Reverend Pat Robertson, “Violent attacks and even deaths on church property occur far more often than people realize…The good news: you can protect yourself. What are you going to do? You going to give church members AK-47s at the door to let them blow away those intruders?”

So when Jesus says “Blessed are the peacemakers,” He is saying you should pack heat. It’s right there in the Bible.

Reverend Pat Robertson very wisely concludes, “What is the new Beatitude? Blessed are the fully armed for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.”

At this point, liberals usually whine something about “loving your enemies,” but once again this is a liberal misinterpretation of scripture. In Mere Christianity, C. S. Lewis explained, “Does loving your enemy mean not punishing him? No, for loving myself does not mean that I ought not to subject myself to punishment — even to death.”

Obviously, when Jesus said “love your enemies” he meant you should kick their asses and shoot them in the face… but, you know, in a loving way.

Embrace your gun. Show off your gun. Love your gun. Liberals might call you a “gun-toting, open-carry nutjob” … but to me, that’s just another word for “Christian”!

It’s all right there, in the Bible.  Piece be with you,

Pastor Gregory

 

Who will George Bush paint next? (with illustrations)

It should come at no surprise that former leader of the free world, turned Christian artist, George W. Bush has once again channeled his godly painting powers. We’ve seen his nude selfies and colorful cat works of painted wonder but now Bush has stepped up his game with an uncanny ability to ham-handily paint world-leader portraits.

This set of painted passion highlights the incredible leaders Mr. Bush had the pleasure of meeting during his presidency; from the Dalai Lama to Vladimir Putin, Mr. Bush has stroked the canvas with unbelievable talent.

But I have a suggestion. Why can’t Mr. Bush take his God-given talent to shine the spotlight on conservative leaders right here at home?  Don’t they deserve the same level of honor and recognition as, for example, Mr. Putin? Through Mr. Bush’s talents we can turn this country around with God, guns, and good-old-fashioned water colors!

Here are three suggestions to inspire Mr. Bush’ conservative canvas crusade, with my interpretation of what his paintings will probably look like:

 

Justice RobeertsChief Justice John Roberts is first on the list for his uncanny ability to fight for our freedom to buy elections. Thanks to Roberts and his four fellow Republican justices, wealthy politically active Americans are no longer limited to donate a petty $123,200 but now can spend as much as they want. Freedom isn’t free and nor are elections.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chuck Gast

Conservative martyr and former Mozilla CEO, Brendan Eich is second on the list for his unashamed commitment to Biblical homophobia. He and his company’s developers made some hefty donations to the anti-gay Proposition 8 campaign, to which LGBT* activists claimed he was violating Mozilla’s inclusion policies. In reality Brendan Eich was defending his religious freedom, making him a martyr for liberty!

 

 

 

 

Mozilla EichMissouri Rep. Chuck Gatschenberger gushes with GOP brilliance as he ignores the 260,000 Missourians who are going without affordable health care and focused on forcing women to wait 3 days before being allowed an abortion. He truly shined as he defended the bill against angry feminzai’s, “I was just considering getting carpeting in my house. That process probably took a month… I wanted to be as informed as possible, and that’s what this bill is, having them get as much information as possible.”

QUIZ: Fatwa or Tea Party Law?


The crazy liberal nut jobs are after us Republicans again! They’re now saying that the religious right and Muslim religious extremists are mirror images of one another. How dare they!? We all know it’s liberals like Barack Hussein Obama who are in the Muslim brotherhood!

So, to prove how different conservative Christians are from conservative Muslims, just take the following quiz. The results will speak for themselves!

Take the quiz!

1. It is illegal to base laws on science

2. The Sun revolves around the Earth

3. Girls are not allowed to dress like boys.

4. Rape is sometimes both legal and encouraged.

5. Stealing is not illegal if you are stealing from those beneath you.

6. Mickey Mouse is evil.

7. Anyone able to work should work, regardless of age.

8. If a policeman comes into your home, you may shoot him.

10 reasons conservatives CANNOT believe in the Big Bang Theory

God versus Big Bang Theory of the origin of the universe has receive supporting evidence recently

God versus Big Bang Theory of the origin of the universe has receive supporting evidence recently

Once again, science has found even more evidence for the “Big Bang Theory” of the origins of the universe. This whole “evidence” situation has gotten so bad that plenty of conservatives are ready to give up on their deeply-held beliefs. “So what if the universe is billions of years old?” they say. “After all, I can still believe that God  was the one who created the Big Bang in the first place, right?”

WRONG!!!!!!!

This kind of thinking completely ignores the stark realities of the political world we live in today. To understand the conservative position on the origin of the universe, you have to understand conservative psychology.

To that end, here are 10 good reasons why no real conservative can ever, ever, EVER accept the Big Bang theory of the creation of the universe:

1. If you admit the universe is old, THE OTHER SIDE WINS

And they will gloat. And they will rub it in your face. You don’t want that, do you?

2. If you admit the universe is old, YOU ARE BETRAYING YOUR OWN KIND

Plenty of Republican politicians have gotten up in front of people and said they don’t believe in the Big Bang. If you suddenly say that you are a conservative, and you do believe in the Big Bang… well, they’ll just feel stupid, won’t they? These are good people, with honest hearts. Why would you do that to them? Huh? Why?

3. If God meant us to believe in things like “background radiation” and “quarks”, they would be in the Bible

The Hebrew word for “quark” is קווארק and it doesn’t appear anywhere in Genesis. Genesis mentions everything that is important: animals, plants, people, sea monsters, and so on. Obviously, these “quark” things that physicists talk about are not important.

4. God would never do that

It’s pretty clear that God’s entire focus is just on human beings and nothing else, and creating a big universe that existed for billions of years just makes no sense. What a waste of time.

5. If the Big Bang theory might be right, then THE LIBERALS WIN

We can’t allow them to be right about ANYTHING. At all. Don’t you understand????

6. The Big Bang theory is just a trick to get people to believe in evolution

We can’t allow people to believe the Big Bang theory, because it’s a slippery slope. If they believe the Big Bang theory, next they might believe evolution. If they believe evolution, it automatically follows that all morality is relative and people can marry squid and mass murder may as well be acceptable DO YOU WANT TO LIVE IN THAT HELL HOLE????

7. The Big Bang theory is just a tool to make you feel less special

According to the Big Bang theory, you’re not special. But that is mean, why would anyone tell you that you’re not special??? You ARE SPECIAL. And you deserve to feel special. See? I told you the Big Bang theory was wrong.

8. If you admit that religious people might be wrong about the age of the earth, you are BETRAYING YOUR RELIGION.

Think of all of those nice people at church. These are people you spend Sundays with, and trade baked goods with. They are nice people, who care about you. They are sweet and generous. Why would you BETRAY THEM by saying that the earth is more than 6,000 years old? Why would you do such a thing? WHY?

9. Barack Obama believes in the Big Bang theory

Actually, he’s never said that publicly. But he just looks like the kind of person who does. You don’t want to agree with Barack Obama about anything. People might think you’re a socialist. Or a demon. Or pervert. Or a socialist demon-pervert.

10. If the Big Bang theory is right, THE OTHER SIDE WINS

Did you not get the memo? It’s us against them. You HAVE to believe that the universe is 6,000 years old. You have to, because that’s what our side believes. If you believe something different, it’s like you are rooting for the other team to win. And they are bad people. They believe in murdering fetuses and sodomizing each other. You don’t want people like THAT to win, do you? DO YOU?????

 


 

Help the cause by passing around these stickers:

I don't believe #1 I don't believe #2I don't believe #3

God’s Law: 13 laws to make America a REAL Christian Nation

Is America a Christian nation? Of course! Former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay teaches us that the word of God has “manifested in what is called the Constitution of the United States. God created this nation and God created the Constitution; it is written on biblical principles.” DeLay gets it: he’s the real deal, a full fledge bible-believing-Jesus-loving-God-fearing Republican.

It’s about time the rest of us conservatives join Delay’s mission. We must stop just calling America “God’s country” and begin to truly act it out! God has given us a beautiful vision of American Theocracy.  The Biblical narrative is rich in poetic legal codes that we too can use as we develop, under the complete and total reign of God, a true Conservative American Theocracy!

Here’s a short list of God’s legislative plan on purifying the filthy liberals in our great nation through American Theocracy:

Gods Law: free baby birds for everyone!God’s Law #1: Imprison anyone and everyone who eats cats. They are the animals of God’s fiercest desire, they’ve been specifically created for BuzzFeed articles and Instagram pictures. A grumpy cat makes for a grumpy God. (Leviticus 11:27)

God’s Law #2: Pet Shops MUST give away baby birds to anyone who asks. End of story.  (Deuteronomy 22:6-7)

God’s Law #3: Ruthlessly slaughter anyone with a different religion… except Mormons, thanks to Mitt Romney even God can be paid off. (Deuteronomy 17:2-7)

God's Law: go live in a treeGod’s Law #4: Once a year every American MUST live in a tree.  (Leviticus 23:39-43)

God’s Law #5: Imprison anyone with an un-cut penis. Ain’t nobody got time for all that extra skin! (Genesis 17:11)

God’s Law #6: Every college football fan and player must “Tebow” after every play, after all Saturday football is on the Sabbath. God specifically commanded against any work on the Sabbath, but when you look as good as Tim Tebow, even God makes exceptions. (Leviticus 23:3)

God's Law: touch a furry puppy and go to prison for lifeGod’s Law #7: If you even toucheth a furry puppy, you get imprisoned for life. Filthy sinner. (Leviticus 5:2)

God’s Law #8: If your puppy tries to hump your leg, you must kill it. (Leviticus 20:15-16)

God’s Law #9: Ugly people shall be punished by law! With enough Botox, God’s vision is to create The Real House Wives of America Theocracy. (Leviticus 21:17-18)

God’s Law #10: Mandatory 5 days in prison for any of those teenage-mutants with torn up clothes and ripped jeans. Fashion is meant to be holy, not a holey mess. (Leviticus 10:6)

Gods Law: thou shalt hate flowersGod’s Law #11: Thou shalt hate flowers! Clean your hands and brush off those knees ladies, getting down and dirty wasn’t meant for the garden but the bedroom. (Leviticus 19:19)

God’s Law #12: Crucify any Mother that goes to church within 33 days of giving birth to a boy, and 66 days after giving birth to a girl. Girls are far more of a hassle to raise than men, so God requires women to stay at home and do their duties. (Leviticus 4-5)

God’s Law #13: Burn anyone at the stake that doesn’t attend Christmas and Easter church services. And even if they do show up, imprison them if they don’t put money in the offering plate. (Exodus 23:14)

The Arizona Bible, and the 5 Commandments of Cake

The 5 Commandments of Cake

The single most important issue in Arizona politics today is cake. Christians want to be allowed to follow their deeply-held beliefs about who gets cake, and who does not get cake.

They have told the world that giving cake to homosexuals is AGAINST THEIR RELIGION. It is against the Bible, and against the teachings of Jesus. If you force them to sell cake to homosexuals then you are forcing them to go against the most deeply-held beliefs of their Christianity!

But is it really true?

As it happens, the Bible only mentions “cake” three times, and it is in the context of David giving cakes of dates and raisins to people (1 Samuel 30:12, 2 Samuel 6:19, and 1 Chronicles 16:3). These were not wedding cakes. I’m not sure what would happen if you tried to make a wedding cake out of dates and raisins, but I’m pretty sure those customers would not be happy.

So the Bible doesn’t literally say that Christians can’t sell cakes to homosexuals. In fact, the Bible doesn’t actually forbid Christians from engaging in any types of economic transactions with homosexuals.

Moreover, Jesus was known for giving stuff, including baked goods, away for free to large numbers of people. Often to sinners.

So according to most Biblical scholarship, there is nothing in Christian belief that forbids Christians from selling cake to homosexuals.

So where do Arizona Christians get this idea from?

Apparently, the Arizona Christian Bible is different. In Arizona, they know God better than God knows himself.

It’s possible that in Arizona, the Bible says that they are not allowed to sell bread to black people.  Maybe soon we will find out that Arizona Christians are morally obligated to not sell croissants to Jews.

What’s to stop them? In Arizona, apparently they are just so darned Christian that they can make shit up, and call any feeling they have a “deeply held Christian belief” that they want the rest of the world to respect.

So, in the spirit of the very special Arizona Bible, which has nothing to do with actual Christianity, we present to you:

THE FIVE COMMANDMENTS OF CAKE! 
(from the Arizona Bible, 2014 Edition)

The 5 Commandments of Cake
Excerpt from the official Arizona Bible, 2014 Edition, followed by all Good Arizona Christians.

 

How to argue like a fanatic! (5 easy tips!)

Rational debate is for sinners. Learn how to debate like a fanatic.
Rational debate is for sinners. Learn how to debate like a fanatic.
Remember: if you can make the other person flustered or angry, or you can get him to give up, that means that you won and he is objectively wrong.

If you are a true American conservative, then you are a fanatic. That is not an insult! It is a compliment. You should wear it with pride. The word “fanatic” uses the same root as the word “fan”.  Aren’t you a fan of Jesus? Aren’t you a fan of free market economics? Of course you are! As conservatives, we know what we know, and we believe what we believe. That makes us proud fanatics.

Unfortunately, I see too many conservatives balking and getting tongue-tied on social media, unable to argue effectively with “liberals” (which is really just a synonym or “atheists” or “disgusting perverts”). The purpose of this report is to arm you, as the second amendment requires, with the skills to effectively debate liberals with the gusto that a true conservative fanatic deserves.

1. “You’re just a hater.”

No matter what the topic, this is an effective and intelligent debate tool that any religious or political conservative can use. Whether your opponent is trying to convince you the believe in evolution or minimum wage, you know that the only reason they could possibly disagree with you is because he is a deeply troubled, angry human being who hates you personally, not just your ideas. Point this out to him.  Here is an example:

Them: “Recent biological experiments have actually demonstrated in the laboratory that one species of organism can evolve into another.”

You: “Haters gonna hate!”

See how simple it is? Guaranteed to stop an angry liberal in his tracks!

2. “Oh yeah? Well, look what it says about you!”

This line is best delivered in a calm, collected, even intellectual tone. (You may need to practice this in the mirror a few times to get it right.) The more calmly you state it, the more it will infuriate your opponent.  For example:

Them: “How can you possibly believe that the earth is literally only 6,000 years old, when we have actual historical records of human civilizations going back tens of thousands of years!”

You: “You seem like you’re taking this very personally. Maybe you should look in the mirror, and ask: what does it say about you that you get so angry when someone states the simple fact that the earth is only 6,000 years old?”

3. “Your motivations are suspect.”

Another great technique for effective philosophical debate is to question the other person’s motives. It actually doesn’t matter if you know the other person at all. In fact, it doesn’t even really matter whether your accusation is correct. Just go with your gut, throw out some kind of wild speculation, and it will definitely throw him off his guard. For example:

Them: “Historical data gives no support to the idea that cutting taxes is the best economic solution to unemployment. In fact, although Reagan’s tax cuts did correlate with an increase in jobs, Clinton’s tax increases lead to an even larger job increases.”

You: “I think what’s really going on here is that you’re jealous of me, and intimidated by my success, and you’re just arguing with me because you want to try to put me in my place.”

A total winner as a debate strategy!

4. “Too many words!”

You may have noticed that many liberals just go on and on. It’s almost as if they are trying to spell out clearly and carefully a logical argument that steps through, point by point, to a conclusion.  But you know that in reality they are just trying to BULLY YOU WITH WORDS. Don’t stand for it. Point it out. And make sure to use the word “bully”: it’s a liberal buzzword and will make them go all red in the face. Like this:

Them: “The reason that the top 5% of income earners pay more than half of the total tax revenue is that the income distribution in this country is so skewed. This statistic is thrown out there because it makes an emotional appeal and makes it seem like there is an unfair tax burden on the rich, but the fact is that even if we had a completely flat tax rate, if the average income of the top 1% is more than 700 times the average income of the bottom 50%, then the top 1% will still pay almost all of the total tax revenue. It’s basic mathematics, and doesn’t reflect the unfairness of the tax rate system, but rather the inequality in the income distribution.”

You: “I feel like you’re trying to bully me by writing such a long comment!”

What can they say after that? You’ve basically won the argument.

5. “Gosh, you’re so intolerant!”

Finally, there is one thing that you, as a proud conservative, must always remember: If other people don’t completely and unquestioningly bow down to every single one of your opinions, then they are being intolerant of your beliefs. Plus, you can get a kind of smirky satisfaction by finally calling someone else intolerant, since you have to constantly put up with people calling you a bigot day in and day out. (I’m sure people constantly call you a bigot. It happens to all conservatives. Nobody understands why.)

Them: “Gay people should be allowed to marry each other if they want to.”

You: “Why are you trying to oppress me and wipe out Christianity? You are being so intolerant!”

 


 

So keep these tips in mind! No longer will you be unwittingly forced into complicated sciencey arguments about “evidence” or “logic”, which really just means you’re dancing in the Devil’s playground. Now, you can argue like a real conservative.

God speaks through Ham to make a prophecy for 2016.

The United States Constitution
The United States Constitution
The United States Constitution, as it should have been written.

In a TV aired debate between Bill Nye and Ken Ham, the secular lies of science were utterly demolished by the truths of God’s Word. God spoke through Ham to prove the Earth is 6,000 years old, that Adam and Eve road around on dinosaurs, and that human beings were the cause for everything evil in the Universe.

But God also had a greater plan: God was using this debate to establish Ken Ham’s 2016 presidential campaign!

If you can read between the lines, like I can, you will see that Ken Ham was not just obliterating the mythical secular scientism of Bill Nye…. He was actually proposing legislative policy! He was basically giving his first State of the Union address. Consider these three quotes:

“God invented marriage. By the way. That’s where marriage comes from and it’s to be a man and a woman.”

“Get rid of old people, I mean why not? They’re just animals and they’re costing us a lot of money. Abortion. Get rid of spare cats and spare kids, we’re all animals.”

“It’s the Creationists that should be educating the kids out there. Because we’re teaching them the right way to think.”

God was clearly using the power of His Holy Spirit to penetrate the head of Ham, forcing him to speak in a trance like state, and articulate the perfect Republican campaign platform… even if it did consist mainly of unconnected sentence fragments.

With nearly a one million YouTube views already, this easily-won-debate has stirred the hearts and minds of Americans everywhere. How can we interpret the popularity of this video, except to think that Ham was a complete success? And, God willing, he will be the next Republican President! Ken Ham 2016!

God loves Roger Ailes anyway… because he’s a conservative.

Roger Ailes
Roger Ailes
Look how cute and cuddly. How could he possibly be a sinner?

In attempt to defeat the overwhelming conservatism of the American people, left-wing psychopaths have once again concocted malicious stories about conservatives. In this case, their target is faithful Christian prophet and Fox News CEO, Roger Ailes.

According to Gabriel Sherman, the author of the not-so-long awaited new biography detailing the inner workings of Ailes and his Fox News empire, “The Loudest Voice In The Room,” Ailes is a sex-hungry adulterer. With a volcanic temper and pulsating private parts, he apparently offered producer Randi Harrison an additional $100 each week “if [she] agree to have sex with [Ailes] whenever” he asked.

In 2012 he supposedly told Fox News executives he wanted to elect Mitt Romney for president and that he would use his media platform to “toxify” the public opinion in support of the Romney/Ryan ticket.

Oh, and he made some random anti-Semitic remarks.

Liberals have used all of this to suggest that somehow Ailes is a “bad person” or a “bad Christian” or a “hypocrite”.

NOTHING COULD BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH!

In 2nd Corinthians 12:10 we read, “Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.”

When Ailes is weak, then he is strong. It says so, right in the Bible. All of his cock-throbbing, adultering, antisemitic anger-management problems are simply the way that he expresses his strength through Christianity.

Of course, in this day and age, Fox News was forced to release a statement saying, “These charges are false” and “we have not read the book.” But the fact is, even if they are completely true, it doesn’t mean he’s a bad Christian or a bad person. He’s a conservative, after all.

Liberals don’t understand this, but that is just because they don’t understand Christianity… or at least, they don’t understand it the way that good conservatives do!

Obama leads the War on Christmas

Black Friday used to be like any other good Christian religious holiday: a safe, comfortable time when the godly could enjoy buying lots and lots of stuff. But no more! Black Friday has recently become a government conspiracy to wage war on Christmas!

The way God intended the holidays to be celebratedOnce millions of Americans finish stuffing their faces with festive [high-fructose] corn [syrup], [factory-farmed] turkey, and all the sweets one could imagine, they faithfully re-enact the marvelous thanks given by Captain Smith and Pocahontas as this fine country began to emerge in response to British imperialism.

Just like Jesus would have wished, from the time these folks undo their top jean button (for a little extra breathing room), they gear up for the midnight hour so they can go shopping! That is, after all, the way Jesus wants it.

But ever since “that one” Obama was elected, things have changed. Consider the evidence:

  • Reddit user Dav Versus posted his story about working at a Best Buy on Friday. When around 1,500 people peacefully walked into his business at 6am, the checkout line quickly reached a tangled line stretching way back into the appliance department. Skillfully placed by the Obama administration a “turd of a good size” and “solid consistency” was dropped down in one of the dryers by a crazed-government-consumer. “A lady (no doubt a government operative)…opened the dryer, and shat right there in front of everyone,” Versus reported.
  • The government didn’t stop with human feces, they began to use brute force: a man in Virginia was stabbed at Walmart during an argument over a parking spot around 6:30pm thanksgiving evening. Good Christian citizens attempting to park closer to their desired store are no longer safe, Obama has crazed-government-consumers ready and willing to stab anyone attempting to enjoy the Holy Black Friday.
  • Santa himself was arrested outside of a Walmart in California as he peacefully greeted guests into the superstore. With a huge smile Santa was handing out candy and holding up joyful holiday sign that read, “people over profit.” Obama wasn’t ready for such radical Christmas cheer, so they cuffed good ole’ Saint Nick and locked him in their SWAT car. Beware: there is nothing that will stop this liberal tyrannical dictator from shaming all who celebrate Christmas.
  • This nutty administration even started their own website where they report how many deaths their violent-government-consumer-operatives have caused! It’s coined, “Black Friday Death Count” and celebrates 7 deaths and 90 injuries.  This is not only an attack on Christmas but is probably another attempt at swaying the American people to sign up for Obamacare or run in fear of their lives ending up on blackfridaydeathcount.com

How can we be sure that Obama was behind all of these events, you might ask? Well, isn’t it obvious?

If Republicans had any brains, they’d be Tories

With the recent “shutdown” in Washington, the American government resembles either a roundabout or The Godfather Part IV. From the other side of the pond, we can’t quite make out which.

Democrats have u-turned on Syria.

Republicans want to hold the country at knifepoint over Obamacare.

And the Tea Party seems to be looking to burn Capitol Hill to the ground.

Aside from a mild inclination to reference “Remember, Remember…” and “You turn if you want to…”, British Conservatives are finding this all a bit too frantic for our taste. If the argument cannot be won by four, then one had best put it off until tomorrow, lest one be late for tea.

More importantly, shutting down government spending might force us to switch from Fortnum & Mason to PG tips. Fortunately, this stoic approach also affords the benefit of preventing the political transgressions that incite temper tantrums akin to those of Mike Lee and Ted Cruz.

If a single British government can manage social austerity, NHS maintenance, and defense budget cuts during a deficit, surely you can find a way to pay your own salaries and avoid tautological entropy?

Perhaps we are being too harsh. Perhaps there are hidden cultural differences between the conservative people of the UK and the fraternal conservatives of its former colony, which have led to an occlusion in our perspective.

For the purpose elucidation, we shall explore this point of potential sociological misunderstanding.

Tories love women.In British conservatism, you see, we prefer common sense. We were reasonable enough to allow Elizabeth I to reign without a husband. Modern Tories are no different. Conservatives elected Margaret Thatcher to be the first woman PM decades ago. Republicans, by contrast, don’t seem to know enough about women to understand rape, let alone put one up for the oval office.

Indeed, one wonders if some Republicans have ever met a woman (aside from the Sarah Palin sort).

David Cameron, Conservative PM, had a special needs son and would never dream of standing in the way of stem cell research that could help a child like his. Furthermore, Parliament’s recent legislation to legalise same-sex marriage was put forward by the Tories. Although, we might have expected it with several ‘out’ members of the British cabinet and we’ve all heard the rumours about old Etonians.

Remember that Reagan was a centrist and, like Thatcher, believed in proactive government—not retroactive leadership focused on undoing measures you simply don’t fancy.  Without such pragmatism, the West could not have brought down the East and Britain may have never recovered from its post-war depression.

Tories keep to that sensibility. Republicans seem to have taken a wrong turn on the Long Walk to Finchley.

So, to aid Republicans in their navigation, we’ve prepared a sensible shortlist:

  1. If you’re going to be conservative, at least learn how to wear white tie.
  2. For the appropriate use of God, as a word, see British political usage. Notice it has little to do with anything but saving the Queen.
  3. Guns are for grouse not grousing.
  4. Insisting on repeal and engaging in filibuster—what seems to us as babbling like a loon—wastes the operational budget.
  5. Preventing gay marriage will not keep men from touching each other, nor cohabitating, nor making those delicious cupcakes that make your church so much money in the bake sale. Also, it will not affect your son’s sexuality.
  6. Religion is an institution for pageantry and pretty songs—not oppression.

In the end, we ejected our religious zealots and malcontents to you in the 16th and 17th Centuries.

 

We’re sorry you’re still having trouble with them.

Being Reformation Christians, perhaps they should…. reform.

Then, there’s always Australia.

 


 

If any Republicans wish to comment on the above, correspondence may be submitted in triplicate during the month of July in leap year, signed in witness of a notary, received by the Home Office for inspection, and pass secondary review at the British High Commission, Canada, before being delivered to destination. Cost, fifty Pounds Sterling. 

George Bush ad campaign: Jewish pets for Jesus

Our brilliant and poetically attuned former president George W. Bush is reported to have given a speech at a Jews for Jesus event this past week, taking the place of last year’s broadcasting angel Glenn Beck.

However, the Messianic Jewish Bible Institute (MJBI) haven’t released his remarks to their $100K-a-seat gathering. Why? Most people assume that it is because the media has pummeled Bush with anti-Christian rhetoric and put the MJBI on the defense.

But because I have the ability see through the media haze of liberal bias, I am able to see the Truth: Bush’s speech hasn’t been released because he never spoke to these Christian-Jews!

He met with them… but it was for a different agenda.

 

Pet-Based Marketing: The new frontier

Our former president found something more powerful to offer the “Jews for Jesus” crowd than speeches that tackle heated political discourse: his doggie and kitty artwork!

George Bush paints pets
Former presidents typically do charitable work after their term is over. Can these dogs help the world by being Jewish Dogs for Jesus?

These Jews for Jesus proclaim their mission is to help “educate Christians in their role to provoke the Jewish people to jealousy and thus save some of them”. Well, that sounds like a winning tactic…. but they must have realized that they need something stronger.

 

"Too Many Puppies...."
“Too Many Puppies….”

Thus, they’ve hired an expert, someone who is known for making America one of the most popular Christian countries in the world: world-renowned artist George W. Bush.

Artist and Philosopher George W. Bush has cunningly tapped into one of the great insights that the internet has given to this generation: the power of picture of animals.

The former President has reportedly painted over 50 dogs, which has recently been discovered to be only a warm-up to paintings of kittens in all their various shapes and sizes.

Are these pieces just what MJBI needs for their marketing plans for the 2014 fiscal year? Can some of Bush’s existing paintings be adapted to the messages of MJBI?

(This is just a hypothetical example of how one of Bush's cute cat paintings could be gloriously transformed into an ad for MJBI)
(A hypothetical example of how one of Bush’s cute cat paintings could be gloriously transformed into an ad for Jews for Jesus.)

This is, of course, just a hypothetical example for illustration purposes.

 

A new religious phase?

Jeezus catOf course, this would not be the first time that cats have been used to promote a religious agenda. And to be quite honest, the bold integration of President Bush’s cat pictures with a religious message is the only way to actually make sense of his new-found hobby.

Although this is purely speculation for now, the internet has shown that marketing campaigns involving animals are always spectacularly successful.

Perhaps, as an artist, war advocate and humble Christian, Bush will embark on a new phase of painting for this next project. After all, once any budding Christian Artist has reached the Dogs and Cats phase, the next step is clear: depictions of Jesus Himself…. with cats.

All sufficiently advanced Christian artists know: Jesus love cats.
All sufficiently advanced Christian artists pass through a “painting Jesus with cats” phase at some point..

No new George W. Bush paintings of this genre have yet been revealed. But with time, as the MJBI continues to save Jews from their heathen rendition of religion into the one and only True faith, Christianity, they will undoubtedly be using Bush’s next artistic representations… of Jesus riding on cats.

It is the next logical step… and we can only guess what it will look like.

There is much speculation over what Bush's paintings of Jesus-with-cats might looks like. This is one possibility. Click the image for full artist credit info.
There is much speculation over what Bush’s paintings of Jesus-with-cats might looks like. This is one possibility. Click the image for full artist credit info.

Halloween costume tips for the Good Christian Conservative

As usual, the incredibly irrational, spookishly socialist, and frighteningly foolish Halloween “holiday” has taken over the month of October! This silly mess of a holiday is a liberal attack on the Christian faith, not to mention a sales pitch for the socialist agenda as our dearly beloved children run around the streets of our suburban neighborhoods asking for candy-HAND-OUTS!

Many of you didn’t heed last year’s warning that Halloween has a Satanic liberal bias and will eat your children, so this year I’m going to offer a Biblical approach. Go ahead and dress up on October 31, but not because it’s “Halloween”. Instead, dress up because God says it’s fun to dress up!

“Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths.” (Genesis 3:7)

There is a 6,000 year old Christian tradition of wearing loincloths, and what better way to celebrate this random day of the year but by dressing up as the first human beings God created! There are few things more Christian than Adam, after all it was his sperm that populated the whole Earth!

(Speaking of sperm: be careful when choosing this costume, because there is a chance that if you are a guy and you dress up in nothing but a loincloth it might come across as really, really, really, really, really, really gay… which is clearly not how God intended it.)

 

Armor of God

“Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil.” (Ephesians 6:11-12)

Here’s an easy one, dress up with God’s armor! Grab yourself a shield with a cross on it, some sweet boots, and a big sword. Prepare yourself for battle; we all know there will be copious amounts of sorcery on the streets of your suburb this October 31st… you can be the warrior that defends Jesus by fighting off the occult!

“She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong.” (Proverbs 31:17)

Listen up ladies! Chug a few protein shakes, hit the gym a few days a week, and start prepping yourself to be the godly and muscular woman you were created to be! A great wholesome costume for the family, especially one your husband will enjoy.

“Put on righteousness as my clothing; justice was my robe and my turban.” (Job 29:14I)

Job had the great idea to put on righteousness and justice as his rob, and you can do the same! If I were you, I’d portray justice with a few Mitt Romney stickers and righteousness with a giant wedding ring, after all it’s traditional heterosexual monogamous families that matter this season!

End Times costume

“Buy gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see.” (Revelation 3:18)

What better way to celebrate the end of October than with the End Times? Pull off the bed sheets and wrap your naked self with the beauty of white silk! I’ve seen some killer eye paint used for salve before too – check out Pinterest for some tricks and tips, if you’ve never worked with salve before it can be kind of tricky.

Dressed in white sheets and eye paint, some uneducated heathens will probably think that you are just dressed up as a ghost or a ghoul… but you will know better: you are dressed in the End-Times Garb that God intended!

If you’re wanting that old fashion disciple look, you could go with Jesus’ fashion advice:

“But now if you have a purse, take it, and also a bag; and if you don’t have a sword, sell your cloak and buy one.” (Luke 22:36)

A costume that involves a purse, a bag, and a sword but no cloak might seem a little questionable… but don’t worry, Jesus said it was ok.

Amidst all these great ideas, the Word of God is also very clear on what not to do! So as you and your traditional family decide what to wear on October 31st don’t forget to abide by these Biblical commandments:

  1. NOTHING EXPENSIVE! “Likewise also that women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire” (1 Timothy 2:9).
  2. DO NOT WEAR DRAG! “A woman shall not wear a man’s garment, nor shall a man put on a woman’s cloak, for whoever does these things is an abomination to the Lord your God” (Deuteronomy 22:5).
  3. DO NOT GET GORY!  “You shall not make any cuts on your body for the dead or tattoo yourselves: I am the Lord” (Leviticus 19:28).
  4. DO NOT WEAR ANYTHING PRE-MADE! “Do not wear costumes woven of two kinds of material” (Leviticus 19:19). This covers almost any store-bought costumes.

Halloween is a dirty pagan mess of sorcery and witchcraft, but you can still celebrate it the Lord’s way. Just make sure to follow God’s rules about how to dress up… and then go kill some witches (Exodus 22:18)!

It’s the end of the world as we know it… and Obama feels fine!

Michele Bachmann, Revelations Angel

With neo-marxist Barack Hussein Obama leading our country into the demise of liberal hedonism we as Christians should wake up and realize God is sending us ample signs: we are in the End Times!

Now I know what you are thinking: You’ve heard this before. Harold Camping told us that the End Times of Revelations would come in 2011. Pat Robertson told us it would happen in 2007. Sun Myung Moon and Jerry Falwell both said it would be in 2000. Nostradamus said it would happen in 1999. 17th-century Irish Archbishop James Ussher predicted the world would end 6000 years after Creation, which everyone knows was back in 1997.

Obviously, they were all wrong. But THIS TIME IT’S TRUE AND I’M SURE OF IT.

How do I know?

First of all, the brilliant and Christ-like U.S. Rep. Michelle Bachmann, who oozes with the love of Jesus, has recently revealed to us,

“[President Barack Obama’s support of Syrian rebels] happened and as of today the United States is willingly knowingly intentionally sending arms to terrorists now what this says to me I’m a believer in Jesus Christ as I look at the End Times scripture this says to me that the leaf is on the fig tree and we are to understand the signs of the times we are to understand where we are in God’s end…”

Now, what could be more clear?

What is more, Michelle Bachmann herself is predicted in the Bible! Her joyous and uplifting political speeches are obviously what the Holy Bible envisions: “And this gospel of the kingdom shall be preached in all the world for a witness unto all nations… and then shall the end come.” (Matthew 24:14). It is almost as if the Bible is telling us that Michelle Bachmann’s political speeches will cause the end of the world.

But wait, there’s more.

The recent government shutdown debauchery has shown the great division between the Conservative majority and the liberal socialism of the Democratic party. The Gospel of Luke prophesied this shutdown:

“Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation; and a house divided against a house falleth” (Luke11:17).

The House has falleth! (Is it just a  coincidence that we call it “The House” of Representatives? I think not.)

And that’s just the beginning. Obama’s erotic fixation with legalizing gays and their anal-antics was prophesied in Timothy:

“They (the liberals) forbid people to marry (heterosexuals) and order them to abstain from certain foods (vegetarianism), which God created to be received with thanksgiving by those who believe and who know the truth” (1 Timothy 4:3-4).

The Biblical prophecies continue to send shivers down my spine, as the Gospel of Matthew foresaw the many wars we’ve experienced in the past decade:

“And ye shall hear of wars … For nation shall rise against nation and kingdom against kingdom” (Matthew 24:6-7).

We not only see wars between nations, but also wars against the pro-life movement and the current Obamacare war against affluent Americans, forcing them to redistribute their individually-hard-earned wealth.

Mr. Hussein Obama and his liberal Marxists Democratic friends are also waging a violent assault on the free-market—the only economic system ever to truly bring prosperity. Interestingly enough, the prophesies in Revelation predicted this would happen,

“And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name” (Revelation 13:17).

What’s the mark of the beast you ask? Liberal trade regulations!

With the End Time’s Biblical prophesies unraveling before our very eyes, we must remember that on that day when Jesus rides in from the clouds to save us from the Obama political nightmare we will rejoice! As Michelle Bachman said, “Rather than seeing this as a negative, we need to rejoice, Maranatha, come Lord Jesus, His day is at hand…”

“So likewise ye, when ye shall see all these things, know that it is near, even at the doors. Verily I say unto you, this generation shall not pass, till all these things be fulfilled” (Matthew 24:33-34).

 

Modern-day prophet, Britney Spears, delivers hard economic truths

Britney Spears: noted conservative economist

Cutting 4 million people from the national food stamps program is by far the most Christian political move our nation can make this year. Just ask Britney Spears.

Consider Britney Spears’ new gloriously up-beat and awe inspiring song, “Work B*tch”. Although it is cleverly disguised as a pop song, this hymn of economic conservatism makes it clear that the problems many of the shameful Americans choosing to live in poverty could be solved with one simple solution we conservatives have been shouting for years: “Work B*tch!”

It sure is amazing how God uses all people, even Britney Spears, to communicate some of the most fundamental truths about reality,

 

You want a hot body? You want a Bugatti?
You want a Maserati? You better work bitch

You want a Lamborghini? Sippin martinis?
Look hot in a bikini? You better work bitch

 

This poetic display of economic brilliance shatters the liberal lies about the “importance” of contextualization, education, and other small pointless variables! Those who chose to live in the misery of poverty, with a poor education, a poor access to the amenities of life, shouldn’t expect me and my wealthy friends to pay for their problems.

 

The tragic myth that the Christian faith requires one to support legislation that promotes the dignity and worth of all humanity is, frankly, disgusting. If these poor people were actually Christian, they wouldn’t be poor!

It’s often repeated in the Proverbs that poverty is a sign of sluggish weakness and not the power of Christ in you that makes you poor.

“The way of the sluggard is blocked with thorns, but the path of the upright is a highway.” Proverbs 15:19

The message the bible and we political engaged Christians should be telling those who support the continual funding of the socialist food stamps program is just as the Proverb says, “stop being a lazy fool and get on the highway of success!”

The most Christian response to the food stamp debauchery of the political left is to let those few hungry people starve. If they struggle to survive, they might actually fight for the life we Christians cherish so much.

Former Ohio Secretary of State Ken Blackwell explained it in the Christian Post, saying that there is “nothing more Christian” than kicking low-income, hungry, children and families off food stamps.

But the same idea is summarized more succinctly by Mrs. Spears, “You better work bitch!”