Vladimir Putin: true American hero and savior

Vladimir Putin: American Hero and Savior

Vladimir Putin: American Hero and Savior
Photo created by Robert Chili Grace [freakingnews.com]
The CPAC straw poll has never been about choosing the next President of the United States; it’s about choosing the next Conservative Savior. And who can blame them? We are talking about a conference of patriots who know that the Constitution is really Scripture and that God would really want limitations on freedom, as long as those limitations come from the Bible.

Only two conservatives have ever truly passed the litmus test of being a perfect American patriot, and they are Jesus Christ and Ronald Reagan.

This year, Senator Rand Paul of Kentucky won the Presidential straw poll for the second year in a row. I do not think anybody will fault me for being skeptical that Rand Paul is the hero conservatism needs right now.

Apparently, I am not alone, as the conservative on the tip of everyone’s tongue right now is not Paul, but somebody else entirely. Who? Vladimir Putin, the President of Russia.

While Barack Hussein Obama and his cronies in the State Department are treating Putin as a negative force in the world due to threats of invading Ukraine and persecution of homosexuals in Russia, great American conservatives are over the moon about him.

“Putin decides what he wants to do, and he does it in half a day, right? Now that’s a leader.” —former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani

“Putin is running circles around the United States. He is playing chess while we’re playing marbles.”—Rep. Mike Rogers (R-Michigan)

“[Putin is a] lion of Christianity” (for treating gays like gays instead of like people) —Bryan Fisher of the American Family Association

Real conservatives like these profoundly believe in American exceptionalism, so if they say Putin is outclassing our government officials, it can only mean one thing. Even though Vladimir Putin is not American per se, he must be American because apparently he is so much better than we are. That’s how it works.

Apparently, the majority of real conservatives agree. In a poll from The Daily Caller, 52% of respondents say Vladimir Putin would make a better US president than Barack Obama.

In a poll from The Daily Caller, 52% of respondents say Vladimir Putin would make a better US president than Barack Obama.

Unlike President Obama, who cannot push through legislation because he refuses to do what conservatives want, Vladimir Putin would be able to do things much faster since he would not have to worry about pesky little issues like “public opinion” or “debate” or “data.”

Or “government by the people.”

Real Americans don’t want that namby-pamby stuff. They want a President who does whatever he wants, as long as what he wants is conservative. That’s a real conservative savior.

So remember, the next time somebody tells you that “we will never find another Ronald Reagan,” tell them that he has already arrived on the scene. He drills for oil, wrestles bears, and does not under any circumstances wear Mom jeans. He’s the perfect conservative that even Ronald Reagan would have loved.

With all of this excitement, and conservative hearts fluttering like they haven’t since 1980, there’s really just one more question we need to ask: Since Putin is so strong and powerful and manly and American, shouldn’t we just go ahead and adopt that Russian Constitution here in the United States, as well?

It seems like it would be the True Conservative thing to do!!

#Putin2016

The 10 Best REAL American Patriots of 2013

2013 was a complicated year for the conservative movement, filled with ups and downs.

After losing the Presidency again to Barack Hussein Obama, thanks to the corporate media, patriots in Congress successfully shut down the government in order to send Obama’s approval ratings plummeting. It was revealed that 100% of people enrolled in Obamacare will eventually die.

We are now closer than ever before to full repeal, giving millions of Americans the freedom to not have health coverage and be forced to file for bankruptcy when faced with unforeseen medical problems. Thank goodness liberty is not yet dead in America.

Yet, picking the ten most exemplary conservatives of 2013 is a daunting task. The RINO (Republican in name only) is not yet extinct. The Democrat party will continue in 2014 to drop imposters into our family to tear us apart from the inside.

But at least we have these ten REAL American patriots who showed their stuff in 2013!

10. Saxby Chambliss
saxbymugLast year, the documentary The Invisible War was released, earning an Oscar nomination and blowing the lid off an epidemic of rape and sexual assault in the military. Since, there has been public pressure and bipartisan movement on passing legislation to remedy the institutional practices that allow for this behavior to flourish.

But luckily Saxby Chambliss (R-Georgia) was there to speak out against people who are opposed to the rape of men and women in the military. He very scientifically pointed out that rape is nothing more than the product of “the hormone level created by nature.”

Thank you, Saxby Chambliss. “Boys will be boys” IS a suitable defense for an institution that does little to prevent rape and stifles the efforts of victims to get justice! Tell it like it is.

9. Paula Deen
deenmug
The first of several non-politicians on this list who were persecuted by the corporate media when they acted upon their Constitutional rights, Paula Deen stuck up for herself while being attacked for things any great American would do.

When asked in a deposition whether she had used the N-word, Deen answered “Yes, of course”. And for some reason, people acted shocked by the idea that an older woman from the South would say a word that every older woman from the South says.

Since it’s obvious that racism in America no longer exists, what’s the big deal if you also plan a “true Southern plantation-style” wedding with an all-black wait staff? Obviously it can’t be racist if an old, white woman from the South does it.

8. Rush Limbaugh
Ronald-Regan-at-lost-pines-art-bazaar
For conservatives and Democrat party sympathizers alike, Rush Limbaugh is the gift that keeps on giving. The latter love to use Limbaugh as the poster child for everything “wrong” with the conservative movement, while we real Americans know that he is actually the sole remaining horcrux of Ronald Reagan.

I could write an entire top ten list of all the great things Limbaugh has said this year, but I will only highlight one in particular. Limbaugh recognized that the “war on women” is actually being fought by the Democrats, not by the Republicans who want to eradicate Planned Parenthood, an organization that uses the majority of its resources to provide affordable pap smears and mammograms to low-income women. As he eloquently put it, liberals are “demeaning [women], they’re turning them into nothing but abortion machines.”

Couldn’t have said it better myself. How dare women choose not to have children instead of increasing their dependence on the welfare state, which is also unacceptable… or something.

7. Mike Huckabee
huckabee01
Mike Huckabee would have been on this list just because his performances with his band on the weekend Fox show that shares his name are simply adorable. Huckabee is the embodiment of everything right with the Republicans party: he says things that pinko-commie liberals say are “horrifying”, and he says them in the most folksy, likable way.

Nothing reflects this better than this comment he made on homosexical marriage. “Holy matrimony is formed into an unholy pretzel,” Huckabee said this year.

Think about what he is saying there. Now think about it some more. I can only assume he is talking about pretzel dogs when he says “unholy pretzel,” because men have wieners and pretzel dogs are literally wieners covered in pretzel. So next time you go to Auntie Ann’s, remember that men are having gay sex with your food.

6. Rand Paul
randpaul
As a journalist, I take my job very seriously. Never have I tried to use sarcasm and satire to prove a point contrary to what my words literally say. I am genuinely a conservative. In no way does my personal Facebook page say I am “very liberal,” nor am I the Vice President of my university’s Young Democrats club. I have never shot marijuana into my veins, nor did I once have a not-entirely unpleasant gay experience at space camp.

This is why I absolutely do not mind when people like Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) plagiarize from writers like myself, who make our living on the value of our intellectual property. Rand Paul believes in free markets and free people, so why should he be held under the tyrannical rules of copyright law? As long as he is plagiarizing from people who say the right thing, that’s fine.

I would love if Rand Paul plagiarized from me, personally.

5. Todd Kincannon
Todd Kincannon
You’re probably wondering “Who is Todd Kincannon?” He is the former executive director of the South Carolina GOP, and I’m sure this is not the last you will hear from him. The GOP is currently looking to the future with a lack of real leaders going forward. Names like Marco Rubio and Chris Christie get thrown into the mix, but the real future of conservative politics is this man. He says what he thinks and does so with such flair that he will continue to rustle the jimmies of liberals for years to come.

All of his insightful remarks have come from social networking site Twitter, which means he’s young and hip with the cool kids. On October 14, Kincannon said “There are people who respect transgender rights. And there are people who think you should all be put in a camp. That’s me.”

Months before that, he tweeted “It hasn’t been this dark in the Superdome since all those poors occupied it after Hurricane Katrina” during the Super Bowl when there was a power outage during the game. While these comments got national media attention, nobody in the GOP showed any disgust with Kincannon….

……and why would they?

4. Phil Robertson
Man With Beard
Phil Robertson is an American hero for one simple reason. He managed to get all of your Facebook friends who could not care less about politics or the Constitution to suddenly transform into experts on the first amendment.

Robertson, star of the hit A&E reality show Duck Dynasty, where a bunch of rich guys act like poor guys, said a number of completely reasonable things that any real American Christian would believe,  like that gays are “full of hate and murder” and that black people were “happier before the civil rights movement”.

According to 31 of my 34 Facebook friends (I’m very popular), it is actually the LIBERALS who are intolerant of Phil Robertson! To fire anybody because of their beliefs is covered under free speech provided by the first amendment, and having ANY problem with his comments is discrimination against him as a Christian. Make sense? No? Too bad.

3. George Zimmerman
George Zimmerman
George Zimmerman is an inspiration to all of us, not only as an American patriot but simply as a human being. He taught us all this year to never let anyone stop you from doing what you know in your heart is white…I mean, right.

When the police told him not to pursue a teenager walking home from a convenience store who Zimmerman was a threat, he didn’t listen. When the American public demanded “Justice for Trayvon,” he defied them and was acquitted of all charges. When his legal counsel told him to lay low after the trial, he immediately pulled a person out of a car and had the cops called on him twice for domestic disturbances.

Zimmerman’s story is the American story. Whenever he has the opportunity to intervene in a situation he has no business to be a part of, he does so anyway. What could possibly be more American than that?

2. Sarah Palin
Sarah Palin
Sarah Palin is the Joan of Arc of our times. She is a warrior in every sense of the word, whether she’s hunting big game or seeking vengeance against anyone she may disagree with… or even worse, who criticizes her.

Remember in 2008 when she just about said ad infinitum that President Obama associates himself with terrorists? Nobody reprimanded her for this; it has been lost to history. In the same year, Katie Couric was taken through the ringer for trying to embarrass her on national television. Five years later, Palin’s immunity remains just as strong.

This year, Palin compared the national debt to “slavery” and was not called out by anybody for this… except by one person. That person was MSNBC host Martin Bashir, who said her analogy was “abominable to anyone who knows anything about slavery’s barbaric history” and went into a graphic description of how slaves were treated, directly from the diary of Thomas Thistlewood. He went on to say “When Mrs. Palin invokes slavery, she doesn’t just prove her rank ignorance. She confirms if anyone truly qualified for a dose of discipline from Thomas Thistlewood, she would be the outstanding candidate.” In layman’s terms, he said that somebody should poop in her mouth.

Guess who no longer works for MSNBC. Guess who still is a frequent contributor to Fox News. Sarah Palin is the most powerful conservative in the country and completely immune to criticism. Only one person could even dream of matching that kind of power over the political discourse in 2013, and that person is…

1. Zach Heltzel
Zach Heltzel is the only true patriot
Me.

When I was first approached by LiberalBias.com to be a guest commentator in September of 2012, I was asked to bring a unique perspective to the site, which continues to lead the internet in exposing liberal bias. The site has grown exponentially in the last year thanks to the efforts of editor-in-chief Greg Stevens and the rest of the staff.

More importantly, LiberalBias has been the ONLY source of shocking breaking news that has resulted in all of us being placed on numerous government watchlists. In the last 12 months, this is what I have brought to light:

As traditional news media crumbles, I have single-handedly proven that intrepid reporting can still get through the filter of censorship and oppression by the Obama administration.

It’s safe to say I am the only person who can save America, and I promise I will not let you down.

11 Washington Halloween costumes

In an exclusive leak to Liberal Bias, I have received information regarding how several current and former members of Congress are going to dress up as on Halloween night. If you spot them in Washington D.C. or in their state or district on Thursday, give them a piece of your mind.

Unless if you’re dressed like a zombie, in which case go home, clean yourself off, and think about what you’re doing.

1. Ted Cruz as THE TOXIC AVENGER

Ted Cruz Toxic Avenger
Sources: rumproast.com/comicvine.com

According to my source, there was never any doubt that Cruz was going to dress as the title character of Lloyd Kaufman’s 1984 cult classic. Not only does he consider himself to be a “toxic avenger” because he was willing to poison the entire government in order to shut down Obamacare, he doesn’t even have to wear face makeup! The natural droopiness of his face did most of the work for him.

2. Mitch McConnell as FRANKLIN

Mitch McConnel

At the request of one of his constituents, McConnell, desperate in his quest to retain his seat in the Senate despite disastrous approval ratings in his home state of Kentucky, is finally acknowledging the fact that he kind of looks like a turtle. He is dressing up as Franklin this year, a much cuter humanoid turtle than Toby Turtle from the movie Robin Hood, a movie that celebrates the redistribution of wealth.

3. Paul Ryan as KERMIT THE FROG

 Sources: en.wikipedia.org/theepochtimes.com
Sources: en.wikipedia.org/theepochtimes.com

Paul Ryan isn’t the only Republican “going green” this year. Ryan had a lot of options this year; his infamous gym photoshoot made this particular reporter think he would dress like the video game character Ness from Earthbound and Super Smash Brothers. Instead, he is deciding to put on green body paint and become a Muppet. Or maybe he has always been one. Have you ever seen Paul Ryan and a Muppet in the same room? Exactly. You don’t know.

4. Kyrsten Sinema as JYNX

Kyrsten Sinema as JYNX
Sources: eastvalleytribune.com/pldh.net

After voting to fund the government while defunding and/or delaying Obamacare, Kyrsten Sinema, the freshmen congresswoman from Arizona, is under a lot of fire. Her district, containing Arizona State University, is one of the stronger Democrat party areas in the otherwise patriotic state. To help turn the tides back in her favor as she prepares to run for re-election, she is planning to dress up like a Pokemon for Halloween. The Nintendo video game franchise is still very hip and cool among the teens these days, so she hopes this will win over student voters.

5. Michele Bachmann as JAMIE LEE CURTIS

 Sources: historyguy.com/thieapolis.com
Sources: historyguy.com/thieapolis.com

Not to be outdone by the Muslim on Community, Michele Bachmann is dressing up like Jamie Lee Curtis this Halloween at the request of her husband. My source says Marcus Bachmann became obsessed with the Activia spokesperson when he heard a rumor that Jamie Lee Curtis was born with both male and female sex organs.

6. Jeff Sessions as BIG BOY PICKLES

Sources: netrightdaily.com/rugrats.wikia.com
Sources: netrightdaily.com/rugrats.wikia.com

Alabama senator Jeff Sessions is almost as conservative as I am, which is why it shocks me that he’s participating in Halloween in the first place. It’s no secret that Sessions looks like an adorable baby, which is why I’m even more shocked that he’s dressing up like an ugly baby. Big Boy Pickles from the Rugrats episode Angelica’s Worst Nightmare, scarred millions of children by being the most disturbing, horrifying baby you’ve ever seen. It almost made me rethink my strong pro-life stance.

Almost.

7. John McCain as MAVERICK

 Sources: wired.com/moviegoss.com
Sources: wired.com/moviegoss.com

For the 30th year in a row, John McCain is putting on the costume of his favorite Top Gun character. Personally, I think this Republican In Name Only should dress like Goose. Urban Dictionary defines the word goose as “A highly territorial bird, a nuisance around parks, if you get too close they will hiss and chase you away.” Sounds right to me.

8. Newt Gingrich as SLUTTY NEWT GINGRICH

Source: slate.com
Source: slate.com

It’s a common occurrence around the country for girls to use Halloween as an excuse to show ungodly body parts to the public, including but not limited to their ankles. Newt Gingrich, according to my source, has decided to join in on the fun. He has not decided how he is going to dress up; in fact, he’s not sure if he has to at all. According to my source, Gingrich feels that cheating on your first wife with your second wife and cheating on your cancer-ridden second wife with your third wife is enough.

9. Hillary Clinton as LESLIE KNOPE

Hillary Clinton as LESLIE KNOPE
Sources: weaselzippers.us/hitfix.com

To show her admiration of comedian Amy Poehler, who portrayed Clinton on NBC’s Saturday Night Live, Hillary Clinton is going to costume herself as the main character of Parks and Recreation. One of the defining characteristics of Leslie Knope is that she loves Hillary Clinton and wears pantsuits to model herself like her. The only person who loves Hillary Clinton more than Leslie Knope is Hillary Clinton herself, so this is a no-brainer.

10. Rand Paul as AN ABOLISHED FEDERAL GOVERNMENT

 

Sources: salon.com/horizonservicesinc.com
Sources: salon.com/horizonservicesinc.com

Randal Howard Paul, was defunded October 31, 2013 at the age of 50. Paul was the junior United States Senator for Kentucky and an advocate for term limits, a balanced budget amendment, and a widespread reduction of federal spending and taxation. He is survived by his father, former U.S. Representative and presidential candidate Ron Paul of Texas, and his three children, William, Robert, and Duncan.

11. Joe Biden as DITTO

 Sources: whitehouse.gov/IGN.com
Sources: whitehouse.gov/IGN.com

Somebody told Joe Biden that he could be anything for Halloween, so he decided to become everything for Halloween.

European austerity weirdly contradicts conservative values

Eurozone austerity

Eurozone austerity

“If we tighten our belts it will lead to growth,” Rand Paul has said. “Reducing the deficit always makes economies boom,” Paul Ryan has said. So why is this graph showing otherwise?

Of course we have not just heard this from our conservative hero, Rand Paul Ryan. We have also heard this from great intellectuals like Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity.  They all tell us the same thing: deep cuts in spending will balance the budget and instantly lead to an enormous explosion in hiring, productivity, GDP, puppies, rainbows, and oral sex.  In other words: it will solve all problems in the world.

Weirdly, the above graph shows that in European countries, there is a negative relationship between the degree of austerity they implemented, and their GDP growth.  More specifically: across Europe, the more dedicated a country was to cuts and austerity, the more their GDP dropped.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, STUPID GRAPH? DIDN’T YOU GET THE MEMO?

When statistics like these dare to contradict the talking points of our great lord and leader, Rand Paul Ryan, there is only one conclusion we can come to:  the statistics must have a liberal bias!!!

 

graph data source: IMF, World Economic Outlook Database
graph found via: Paul Krugman, New York Times

related article: European unemployment weirdly contradicts conservative values