You might be tempted to think that this video is satire or exaggeration BUT IT IS NOT. This represents the clear and obvious plan that EVERY SINGLE CONSERVATIVE knows deep in his heart is the right way to deal with ISIS.
Other conservatives might not be brave enough (OR MANLY ENOUGH) to spell it out the way Zach does with maps and little crayon-colored pictures. But you should rest assured that they are all thinking the same thing. They’ve said so in the press, and they’ve said so on the Senate floor: this plan, the plan outlined in this video, is the 100% True Conservative, free from any liberal bias, plan for dealing with Fundamentalist Islamic Radicals, Jihad, and ISIS.
Want to skip past the intro? The plan starts at 0:41 seconds.
Make sure you subscribe to our Youtube Channel to get notified about the latest episodes of Heltzel’s View.
Isis, one of the most ancient and important goddesses of Egypt, is sick of all this radical Islamic bullshit.
“I used to be worshiped everywhere from Egypt to Afghanistan as a healer and a role-model for women,” she explained in her exclusive interview with Liberal Bias. “I taught human kind how to use medicine, for crying out loud! And now these radical pinheads have to go and use my name to represent their stupid right-wing religious movement? No thanks!”
Isis, who has been around for more than 3500 years, says she feels it’s a shame that people now associate the name “Isis” mostly with the right-wing religious fanatics who are beheading people and who want to bring the entire world under Sharia Law. “It especially hurts since I’ve had the name for, like, most of the existence of humanity. But now this group comes along, and instead of associating the name Isis with healing and motherly love, they associate the name with death, murder, and terrorism.”
We asked Isis if she has considered using her powers to smite ISIS.
“Smiting isn’t really my thing,” she admitted, with a soft sad sigh. “My brother Set was always the one who was good at smiting. Or, if you want a god who is good at smiting, why not ask Yaweh? He’s always been very good at the smiting.”
Come to think of it… why hasn’t Yaweh smitten ISIS yet? Come on, Yahweh… it’s time to step it up.