Republicans get a bad rap in the press. Liberals accuse them of being rigid, closed-minded and inflexible. Ha! Nothing could be further from the truth.
In fact, as every “lifelong Republican” knows, being a member of the GOP requires you to constantly re-evaluate your positions, and even your “core” beliefs. It’s exciting! And it demonstrates great flexibility: how can you not be flexible when you start your Republican life agreeing with the teachings of Jesus Christ and St. Ronald Reagan, and end up marching in lockstep with Russian-born atheist Ayn Rand and those poor-hating, planet-polluting Koch Brothers?
“Oh, you’re exaggertaing!” some might say. Well, here’s just a sampling of how flexible and open to new ideas you, as a lifelong Republican, have shown yourself to be:
THEN: You used to agree with President Reagan that it was highly immoral and distinctly UnAmerican for high-paid executives to pay lower tax rates than their secretaries .
NOW: You refuse to watch Ronald Reagan videos on YouTube that have clearly been doctored by liberals. You are shocked and offended that Marxists like Warren Buffett continue to suggest that millionaires and billionaires should not pay a lower tax rate than their secretaries!
On the Planet:
THEN: You placed your trust in God and Richard Nixon. You listened to the Bible when it told you not to destroy what He had created. You were inspired by Richard Nixon’s 1969 State of the Union and his 37-point message with goals for the environment. You cheered when Nixon created the Environmental Protection Agency which passed the Clean Air Act. You thought God would be pleased, too.
NOW: You believe only in Freedom. Specifically the right of companies like Koch-connected Freedom Industries to poison the drinking water in West Virginia. You were inspired when Sarah Palin chanted “Drill, Baby, Drill!” because it sounded so real American-y. You realize now that Richard Nixon must have been a secret European Muslim and God was wrong too. Because unless we approve the Koch Brothers’ Keystone XL pipeline immediately, Fox News tells “lifelong Republicans” the American way of life we cherish so much will be gone forever.
On the Presidency:
THEN: You understood that to fight the War on Terror, Dick Cheney had no alternative but to put the Constitution through the shredder and run the country as a “dictatorship”. You supported policies that gave President George W. Bush “unchecked presidential power over the use of military force, the detention and interrogation of prisoners, extraordinary rendition and intelligence gathering”.
NOW: You realize that Barack H. Obama is a ruthless Imperial Despot destroying America by issuing far fewer Executive Orders than his predecessors. Plus, he’s also a mom jeans-wearing wimp who’s reaffirmed America’s commitment to the Geneva Conventions. Impeachment is the only option!
Remember, you don’t abandon your principles based on which party’s in power or just because the President’s middle name is, you know, Hussein. You’re not a flip-flopper or a dittohead. NO SIRREE!
After all, how can you be accused of changing your “core values” if you deny remembering that they were ever different? How can you be accused of “flip-flopping” when the current president is black and all of the previous ones were white? Situations change! Whatever!
What matters is that you are fully committed to your principles as defined by Fox News, ALEC and the Koch Brothers during each 24-hour news cycle. That kind of core value takes all kinds of flexibility.
And being that flexible is not only fun–it’s also a great workout!