Right-wing Christianity: “If God loved you more, you wouldn’t need so much water.”

Today’s letter is about water, helping the unfortunate, and how to be a good Christian.

Dear Pastor Gregory,

I just recorded my video for the #IceBucketChallenge! I was super excited to help the ALS Association raise awareness and millions of dollars for this terrible illness. But then one friend of mine, a Christian like me, told me that Americans are hurting poor dehydrated children around the world by wasting water! Now I don’t know what to think. As a Christian, should I be giving water to poor foreign children?

Thanks,
Liam

Thanks for your letter, Liam.

People who say that it’s up to Christians to make sure that poor people have water clearly have not read and understood the Bible. Liberals have twisted and warped the word of the Lord to make it seem like we have to fix every little problem of suffering in the world… but that just isn’t so.

The Bible teaches us very clearly that it is not our job to make sure people have clean drinking water… that’s up to God!

In Isaiah 41:17-18 God says, “When the poor and needy seek water, and there is none, and their tongue is parched with thirst, I the Lord will answer them; I the God of Israel will not forsake them. I will open rivers on the bare heights, and fountains in the midst of the valleys. I will make the wilderness a pool of water, and the dry land springs of water.”

As conservative Christian, I look at that passage, and you know what I see? God is telling me that if a person is thirsty…. it’s his own damn fault!!!

Let me ask you a question, Liam. Do you have water? Of course.

Do I have water? You bet!

Ask yourself: Why?

Some LIBERALS would want you to believe it has to do with government utility regulations, plumbing, water purifying plants and modern technology… BUT THAT IS ALL NONSENSE!!

In John 4:14 Jesus says, “Whoever drinks of the water that I give will never be thirsty again.” Later he says again in John 7:38, “Whoever believes in me…out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.”

The reason you have water is that you are a good conservative Christian, like me. God loves you, Liam. He loves you so much. If he didn’t, you wouldn’t have water.

This is one of the core beliefs of conservative Christianity, you see: You are a sovereign person, you owe nothing to anybody, and everything that you have in this world you have because God gave it to you and you deserve it.

I know some people, especially liberal Christians (…as if that’s even really possible!!), will hear me say that and think I’m exaggerating. But I’m not: this is one of the keystone philosophies of conservative Christianity: you shouldn’t give anything of yours to the poor or the needy, because damnit if God didn’t WANT you to have that fancy car and that vacation home in the Cayman Islands, well he wouldn’t have given it to you in the first place!

Don’t just take my word for it, either! Pat Robertson has pointed out on many occasions that sick people are sick and deaf people are deaf because they did something wrong and God just doesn’t love them enough!

So you can rest easy, Liam. As a good conservative Christian, you have solid Biblical theology on your side. It’s your right to waste water, waste money, and keep all of your material luxuries for yourself. You’ve earned it… by loving God so much!

When Jesus said to help the poor, the starving, and the sick, he didn’t mean give up your hard-earned cash! That’s stupid. He just meant we need to get them to PRAY HARDER…. God will do the rest!

Quenched with Jesus,
Pastor Gregory

Dehydrated children just aren't praying hard enough

Upward mobility has a liberal bias!

Upward Mobility Map

Upward Mobility MapThis map shows the degree of upward mobility in different areas of the United States, color-coded so that red means low upward mobility and blue means high upward mobility. Clearly, upward mobility has a liberal bias.

Of course, we all know that one of the basic, fundamental elements of the conservative philosophy is freedom! And specifically, the fact that anyone at all can do anything they want (as long as they don’t get help from anyone else). And that means that everyone, no matter how poor, has a chance to become a millionaire.

It turns out, in conservative states, it’s not a very good chance… but that’s not the point.

 

graph data source: “The Economic Impacts of Tax Expenditures Evidence from Spatial Variation Across the U.S.”
graph found via: NY Times

Welfare statistics have liberal bias!

Families Receiving Welfare

Families Receiving Welfare

New Gingrich, the cuddly prophet of conservatism, has called Obama the “food stamp president” and the “welfare president.” Bill O’Reilly, who is never wrong, has said that under Obama we have become a “welfare nation.”  Dick Morris, on Fox News, said, “Obama Has Basically Put Everybody In The Country On Welfare.”

So how is it possible that this above graph shows the number of families receiving welfare assistance is dramatically lower than it was at any time in the 1990’s? Indeed, according to this graph, there are almost 2 million fewer families receiving welfare assistance now than there were in 1996.  According to this graph, the number of families receiving welfare looks like it is going down even though the number of families with children in poverty has been going up!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, WELFARE FAMILIES? WHY ARE YOU CONTRADICTING FOX NEWS?

There is clearly a very sinister plot going on here. Since welfare recipients are notoriously liberal, they must be refusing to accept the free handouts that Obama is trying to give them just to make Fox News look bad.

But we know better! This statistic clearly is just the product of a massive conspiracy and  liberal bias!!!!

graph source:  Graph: Washington Post, Data: CBPP
found via: Washington Post