Ep 24: 2014 midterm elections PROVE there is liberal media bias!

Did you know that Republicans made gains in the Senate, the House, and Governorships across the United States in the 2014 Midterm Elections? Of course you didn’t, because we have a liberally biased media.

All the media has been talking about in the Liberal News has been liberal victories like gun control, pot legalization, fracking bans, minimum wage increases… the list goes on and on.

That’s what the media has been focusing on, right? Of course it is. Because we have a liberally biased media.

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Video direct link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rjPy7DUgRj0

Tetrahydrocannabinol has a liberal bias! #420NO

Some say legalize marijuanna but I say #420no

Some say legalize marijuanna but I say #420no

It is not often that I agree with the federal government, but in the case of the Marijuana they could not be any more on point. The Marijuana is just as bad as heroin or methamphetamine, it has no medical value, and it is very addictive.

Real American patriots, such as writers at Townhall.com and The Heritage Foundation, agree. Millions of people are addicted to The Marijuana; it destroys your brain, your body, and even makes you fool around with that guy you were emotionally attracted to your sophomore year of college even though you are straight and did not find him physically attractive… but I digress.

So why is the nation suddenly becoming captivated with the Marijuana? Even conservative utopias like Arizona are legalizing it for medical purposes. Liberals say it greatly improves their lives, treating everything from seizures to migraines, in addition to enrichening the Bob Marley estate and making food taste really super, super good.

So what is the deal? Why does it seem like God-fearing patriots like you and me have had such a negative experience with marijuana, while so many others have found it to have a profoundly positive impact on their lives?

The answer, clearly, is that its active ingredient, tetrahydrocannabinol (THC), has a LIBERAL BIAS!!!!!

Isolated by Israeli scientists in the 1960s, THC has been extensively researched but the science regarding its effects on the human body only remain a theory, much like evolution and gravity. Thus, we cannot be sure that THC does not discriminate between liberal and conservative users.

Some people say that when members of the Democrat party ingest THC, they are given a satisfying high that reduces stress and somehow allows them to enjoy the music of Phish. When conservatives ingest that same anti-America molecule, on the other hand…

Frankly, this is one of the only times that I will admit I am a little jealous about being a great American instead of a Farmers Market-shopping, hybrid car-driving, non-missionary sex-having Democrat. My flirtation with the Devil’s Grass just gave me a headache and made my blood run cold.

THC MUST have a liberal bias, or else why would it punish me for being a patriot?

So next time you are tempted to inject ganja, remember that it will only feel good…if you are un-American!

The next time someone asks you if you want to smoke weed, show that you are a good conservative by saying something cool and clever like smell ya later!

(NOTE: We have added the appropriate speech bubble in the above diagram of THC to signify its liberal bias.)

God is using pot to punish liberals… very slowly

Many conservatives have been railing against the new Colorado law that legalizes pot use. Republicans/Christians have warned about the sinful hell-bound effects of this vile green plant, and have fought long and hard to prevent this devilish drug from entering the hands of our dear children.

Christians see pot legalization as a dangerous slide into liberalism and a corrosion of good, upstanding moral values. But I think that this, too, may be part of God’s greater plan.

We all know that God uses nature and political events to punish liberals. Pat Robertson has wisely pointed out that Hurricane Katrina was punishment for America allowing abortion. Jerry Falwell explained that 9/11 happened because God hates the ACLU. Michelle Bachmann wisely suggested that the attack in Benghazi was God’s punishment for general sinning and stuff.

And now, God is allowing liberals in Colorado to smoke pot. COINCIDENCE?? I think not.

The Big Man Upstairs is forcing Marijuana into the hands of liberal citizens across the state, creating low-life potheads whose excessive laziness and mouthwatering hunger will keep them from the midterm election-booths of 2014, giving Republicans the upper hand!

God doesn’t, as the saying goes “work in mysterious ways,” He works in artistic strokes of  Mary-Jane brilliance. He’s managed to let these liberals follow through on their silly drug-legislation, knowing that as the pot intake increases these Democratic fools will be too stoned to crawl off their couches and vote in the midterms. Stuck in star-wars pajamas, living in their parents’ basements, pot-heads across the state will forgo promoting their hedonistic legislative stupidity as they’ll be too busy deciding which pizza delivery place will satisfy their grumbling stomachs.

Praise the Lord!

Pot legalization wasn’t a step backwards for conservative values… it was just the first step forward in God’s plan to completely smite Colorado for its sinfulness!

What will happen next?

Is marijuana legalization just  the first step that will end in the sinners of Colorado sinking into the sea?

Possibly… we just need to be patient. Because it will probably happen very, very slowly.

Post-smiting map of the United States