These Bible quotes prove God supports the XL Pipeline

Keystone XL Pipeline Holy Oil

Today’s letter is about the Keystone XL pipeline, and the environment.

What does God think about the Keystone Pipeline bill? All 45 Republicans voted for it, but those pesky Democrats seem to think we should be more careful about the things we do that might harm God’s green earth. Does God want the pipeline, or not?

Linda

Linda,

Many people don’t know this, but Bible specifically addresses oil, and if you understand scripture as  completely as I do you know that God fully supports the Keystone Pipeline! Here are a few verses to illuminate my point:

 

James 5:14 – Are any sick among you? Pray over him, anointing him with OIL in the name of the Lord.

Exodus 30:31-33 – And thou shalt speak unto the children of Israel, saying, This shall be a HOLY OIL unto me throughout your generations.

Psalms 92:10 – But my horn shalt thou exalt like [the horn of] a unicorn: I shall be anointed with fresh OIL.

 

It’s right there, in the Bible. God-fearing Christians, by which I mean REAL Republicans, must support the Keystone Pipeline!

Liberals, of course, disagree. But as good God-fearing Republicans, we need to stick to our guns: the Bible is God’s unquestionable word, and God’s word is without error, it’s perfectly logical. The Bible’s logic is unlike human logic, it doesn’t work with traditional logical formulations, rather the Bible is God’s holy logic that we finite beings will never fully understand; that’s why we Christians are so humble, because we never truly will know everything – we’ll just come really really really close.

Now, some liberals will try to confuse you by pointing to passages in the Bible that seem to be against doing things that could potentially harm our environment, such as:

 

Psalms 104: 25-30 – There is the sea, vast and spacious, teeming with creatures beyond number— living things both large and small. There the ships go to and fro, and the leviathan, which you formed to frolic there. These all look to you to give them their food at the proper time. When you give it to them, they gather it up; when you open your hand, they are satisfied with good things. When you hide your face, they are terrified; when you take away their breath, they die and return to the dust. When you send your Spirit, they are created, and you renew the face of the earth.

Leviticus 25:23-24 – The land must not be sold permanently, because the land is mine and you are but aliens and my tenants. Throughout the country that you hold as a possession, you must provide for the redemption of the land.

Jeremiah 2:7 – I brought you into a fertile land to eat its fruit and rich produce. But you came and defiled my land and made my inheritance detestable.

Isaiah 24:4-6 – The earth dries up and withers, the world languishes and withers, the exalted of the earth languish. The earth is defiled by its people; they have disobeyed the laws, violated the statutes and broken the everlasting covenant. Therefore a curse consumes the earth; its people must bear their guilt. Therefore earth’s inhabitants are burned up, and very few are left.

Revelation 11:18 – The nations were angry; and your wrath has come. The time has come for judging the dead, and for rewarding your servants the prophets and your saints and those who reverence your name, both small and great — and for destroying those who destroy the earth.

 

“Don’t these Biblical passages mean that God wants us to care for the earth?” liberals will ask.

No. Not, they don’t. That’s stupid.

The reality is, if the earth dies, and rivers get polluted, and life dies out… it’s just what God wants. Like Florida Rep. Jeff Miller did, “Our climate will continue to change because of the way God formed the earth.” And as Florida Sen. Marco Rubio said, “The government can’t change the weather” either!

Consider Isaiah 40:8: “The grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of our God will stand forever.” Maybe God wants the grass to wither and the flowers to all die out! Ever thought of that?

So the environmentalists have it all wrong. God wants us to keep fighting to build that pipe!

“Let justice roll down like [OIL] and righteousness like an endless river.” -Amos 5:24

Pastor Gregory

The GOP can #BreakTheInternet, too!

Today’s letter is about the Democrat War on Women… But I think this time my response might surprise you!

As a Republican and a Christian, of course I love the ladies. The dames. The skirts. All of them. They’re just so nifty!

But Democrats are reviving the “War on Women” strategy, trying to convince the world that somehow Christians and Republicans don’t respect women! This year they’ve got Hillary Clinton running for president and now Elizabeth Warren (the wild Senator you probably know for blaming Wall Street and corporations for our economic calamity) is the Strategic Policy Adviser to the Democratic Policy and Communications Committee. It’s somehow creating the false impression that our party focuses just on men!

How can we fight this loosing battle? How can we prove that Republicans love the ladies?

Yours truly,
Marvin

Dearest Marvin,

Well, just the other day I came across something that inspired me. I think if we are going to prove to the world that we support women’s rights and gender equality, the best thing we can do is use a female-oriented viral marketing campaign…. like KIM KARDASHIAN!

Ever since it was featured in Winter’s 2014 issue of Paper, Kim’s de derrière has popped up everywhere, trending on just about every social media website possible… I mean, these days the kids are calling it “viral media” and whatnot, but I say: she really has mastered the art of evangelism!

And yes it’s absolutely evangelism, because in April she tweeted: : “RT ‪@Women_Of_Christ: Jesus is my top priority.” If we plan on winning the souls of this country for Jesus Christ we’ve got to follow in the footsteps of Evangelist Kim Kardashian!

Recent polling shows that a majority of American women still don’t think our GOP understands their problems, they think that because Texas Sen. Jodie Laubenberg once said, “In the emergency room they have what’s called rape kits where a woman can get cleaned out,” that we now hate women! But that’s absurd! Launbenberg was just being Biblical:

And if a woman have an issue, and her issue in her flesh be blood… she shall be cleansed of her issue, then she shall number to herself seven days, and after that she shall be clean (Leviticus 15:19-30).

Some women don’t understand that when Rep. Roger Rivard (R-Rice Lake) said his father had warned him that “some girls rape easy,” that he too, was just trying to be Biblical. After all, why do you think the Proverbs 11:22 warns us: “Like a gold ring in a pig’s snout is a beautiful woman without discretion.”

Now I know some good, conservative Christians think that using scantily-clad pictures of Kim Kardashian might be a bit… unseemly. I know you are thinking: “Shouldn’t we leave the exploitation and sexualization of female pop stars to the heathen sinful liberals?”

Normally I would say “yes.” But times are tough. Democrats are winning the culture wars with this “War On Women” rhetoric. We have to prove to the world that we love women. We have to prove to the world that we respect women. We have to prove to the world that we take women just as seriously as we take men.

And what better way to do that than to use one of them to help promote our politics?  So please spread these around the internet today, in the name of Jesus and the Republican party!

GOP-kardashian-break-the-internet-1

GOP-kardashian-break-the-internet-3

 

GOP-kardashian-break-the-internet-2

 

Halloween and Christians: giving Halloween a modern Christian meaning

Halloween has been an issue for Christians for a long time, but Pastor Gregory has a solution: your children can celebrate Halloween without fear… all we have to do is make Halloween about Jesus Christ!

Luckily, Christians are really good at this kind of thing. They have been doing it for a long time. They took the Pagan December 25th Holiday Saturnalia and decided it REALLY is a celebration of the birth of Jesus! They took the Pagan spring festival, and decided it was REALLY about the resurrection of Jesus! So why not do the same thing for Halloween?

So for all you Christians who are saying, “How can I make it OK for my children to enjoy Halloween?” Pastor Gregory has an answer:

“What does the transfiguration of Jesus have to do with dressing up and October 31st? That’s the beautiful thing about Christian holidays… IT LITERALLY DOES NOT MATTER!”

Make sure you subscribe to our Youtube Channel to get notified about the latest episodes of Christian and Answer with Pastor Gregory.

Video direct link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bn5ARWJY_yA

The Christian solution to Ebola is not what you think

Blessed Sunday, everyone! Today’s letter is about the top news story today, Ebola, but my answer to today’s question might surprise you!

Dear Pastor Gregory,

You’ve heard the news: Ebola is spreading like wildfire and it’s all President Obama’s fault! Great Christian leaders like Pat Robertson and yourself always say that we should just stay home and pray away the sickness whenever we fall ill… is that what God wants us to do about Ebola, too?  Is simple prayer enough?

Tammy

Well, Tammy, I have an answer that might surprise you. Normally, of course, I would say that prayer alone can heal all things. Normally, I would tell you that we can solve any earthly sickness by just praying and sending me money. But, in the case of Ebola… things might be a little different.

When we look to the Bible for solutions to major world-wise epidemics, we find that God works in mysterious ways. The Holy Bible tells us that God once flooded the whole Earth, killing everyone but Noah and his Ark-companions (Genesis 6). The Big-Man-Upstairs even once sent “she-bears…to maul forty two young boys” (2 Kings 2:24) when he thought the circumstances demanded it.

So if we are to follow His lead, we have to realize: when God gets angry He also gets creative!

Now, some religious leaders have dabbled with this type of idea. For example, Glenn Beck wrote a song that is supposed to help people stay Ebola-free. He definitely gets Creativity Points for that. But when we look to the Bible, especially the Old Testament, we see that God is more fond of BIG ELABORATE SPECTACLES.

So with that in mind, I’d like to present to you my Christian Solution to the Ebola problem….

The Ebola Games

 

THE EBOLA GAMES

It’s a Holy-Spirit-inspired reality TV show, tapping into the creative brilliance of the Old Testament!

The entire U.S. prison system would be sent to the Ebola infected state of Texas. A massive 10-story electric fence would be constructed around the border; each prisoner would be given their NRA-sponsored weapon of choice, a kiss from an Ebola infected patient, and let loose for the games to begin! Cameras would cover every inch of the land, live-streaming all the apocalyptic-Ebola-action online. It would be streamed for a small viewing fee, which would cover the costs of the entire project alongside of the corporately sponsored advertisements scattering the land. There would be no police, and only one rule: ANYTHING GOES!

The show would undoubtedly be watched by the entire world, racking in tons of cash for our debt-ridden economy. Millions of short-term jobs would be created in the construction of the electric fence, and hundreds of long-term jobs would be created in the actual 24-hour -TV production. Our US-Mexico border crisis would be solved instantly as anyone crossing over would be mauled by terminally ill armed psychopaths; and American moral would increase to new heights as families gathered around their TV’s to watch a live-action version of The Walking Dead.

So there you have it Tammy – a true Christian and Bible-inspired solution to a very serious problem.

Peace be with you,
Pastor Gregory

 

What does God want us to do about ISIS? TAKE THIS QUIZ TO FIND OUT.

Christian Holy Bible Book - Choose your own adventure novel


If you are a Christian and a conservative, you might be going through an inner struggle right now. The situation with ISIS can be very confusing for a person of faith.

As a Christian pastor I am inspired by God, anything and everything I say and do is in line with God’s will: that’s what makes me Christian.  But as a Conservative, I know in my heart that everything Obama does is wrong. So what scriptural path should I follow?

After much prayer, I have discovered the perfect solution! It’s actually very simple, and I have found a way to make it simple for you, as well! I have created the following simple one-question quiz. All you have to do is click the correct answer, and God’s own words will reveal to you what opinion you SHOULD HAVE…. as an American Christian conservative!

QUIZ!

Question: What did Obama do in response to the ISIS threat?

CLICK HERE   A. He sent in a series of massive drone attacks to wipe out the threat.

CLICK HERE   B. He takes a path of peace, offering to meet and negotiate with their leaders.

CLICK HERE   C. He works with the United Nations to apply strict sanctions so that they feel economic pain.

GOD’S BIBLICAL REPLY:

Please select an option above. God’s instructions about what you should think will appear here.

 

 

 

 

Every scriptural argument for being a gun-toting, open-carry nutjob!

Some Christians ask, "What heat would Jesus pack?" But that is the wrong question.
Jesus wants you to pack heat. Jesus wants you to open-carry. And if society says that means you are a “crazy gun nut”…. then so be it!

Today’s letter is about the quintessential American topic: the relationship between guns and God.

Dear Pastor Gregory,

My son wants to buy a gun to protect our family. I have been hesitant to buy him the machine gun he wants because I thought my faith in Jesus meant I had to be non-violent or something. As a single mother I could really use his protection, but I want to know what is best for my family! Would Jesus carry a gun?

Concerned Parent

Well, I think we have to be careful how we interpret scripture here. Interpreting scripture can be very tricky. As we all know, since liberals always get it wrong.

So let’s start with Jesus. It might surprise you that I’m saying this, but Jesus would not carry a gun!

Why not, you ask? Not because he was some kind of sissy… but because Jesus was God and God doesn’t need guns! God uses lightening bolts, heart attacks, and hurricanes to wipe out sinners.

Why would Jesus carry a gun when he can flood the whole planet and “destroy every man whom [he has] created from the face of the earth” (Genesis 6:7)? Or when he can “rain down burning sulfur” like he did on the Homosexuals of Sodom and Gomorrah (Genesis 19:4-5)? Or even when he can transform wicked women into pillars of salt, like with Lot’s heathen wife (Genesis 19:26).

So Jesus wouldn’t carry a gun… but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t!


Now, some liberals will take quotes out of context from scripture to try to claim that Jesus was non-violent. But obviously they are just cherry-picking. Even worse: they are cherry-picking the wrong things. So let me show you which passages you should cherry-pick instead:

“And David said to his men, ‘Every man strap on his sword!’ And every man of them strapped on his sword. David also strapped on his sword. And about four hundred men went up after David, while two hundred remained with the baggage.”1 Samuel 25:13

“The LORD is a man of war: the LORD is his name… Thy right hand, O LORD, is become glorious in power: thy right hand, O LORD, hath dashed in pieces the enemy.” –Exodus 15:6

“Blessed be the Lord, my rock, who trains my hands for war, and my fingers for battle…” – Psalm 144:1

 

“Now hang on a minute!” some liberals might say, “That was the Old Testament! What did Jesus ever say about packing heat?”

As it turns out, Jesus does want us to open-carry, and said so right in scripture. All it takes is applying the right kind of interpretation to the literal word of God.

For example, take the Sermon on the Mount.  “Blessed are the poor,” he said. But how could the poor ever be blessed when they’re just a bunch of lazy, government sucking, welfare queens? If they have guns, they are demonstrating for all to see that they are working hard to uphold their constitutional commitments! This directly honors God, since God wrote the constitution.

So obviously, when Jesus says “Blessed are the poor,” He is advocating open carry. It’s right there in the Bible.

Another example: “Blessed are the peacemakers…” also appears in the Sermon on the Mount. But how can we keep peace in our families and our churches without guns? To quote Reverend Pat Robertson, “Violent attacks and even deaths on church property occur far more often than people realize…The good news: you can protect yourself. What are you going to do? You going to give church members AK-47s at the door to let them blow away those intruders?”

So when Jesus says “Blessed are the peacemakers,” He is saying you should pack heat. It’s right there in the Bible.

Reverend Pat Robertson very wisely concludes, “What is the new Beatitude? Blessed are the fully armed for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.”

At this point, liberals usually whine something about “loving your enemies,” but once again this is a liberal misinterpretation of scripture. In Mere Christianity, C. S. Lewis explained, “Does loving your enemy mean not punishing him? No, for loving myself does not mean that I ought not to subject myself to punishment — even to death.”

Obviously, when Jesus said “love your enemies” he meant you should kick their asses and shoot them in the face… but, you know, in a loving way.

Embrace your gun. Show off your gun. Love your gun. Liberals might call you a “gun-toting, open-carry nutjob” … but to me, that’s just another word for “Christian”!

It’s all right there, in the Bible.  Piece be with you,

Pastor Gregory

 

Chick-Fil-A founder at the Pearly Gates: What is the verdict?

Truett Cathy, founder of Chick Fil A, at the pearly gates.

It was around 2:00 am on Monday morning; my heart was pounding and I was dripping in sweat. I realized, at that very moment, what had just happened – I had been supernaturally teleported, shot from the comfort of my bed, to the pearly gates of Heaven!! It was more than a mere dream….I found myself hovering on a puffy white cloud just above my dear friend Truett Cathy as St. Peter was checking his file just before he was officially welcomed Home.

Mr. Cathy was not only a good friend, but also the founder of Chick-fil-A, the world’s greatest Christian fast-food restaurant. I was flabbergasted to see that St. Peter didn’t look very pleased with his file! As St. Peter read through it, he kept mumbling things like:

“Lawsuits for gender discrimination in the workplace….”

“Lawsuits for religious discrimination… haven’t you ever heard of love thy neighbor, bud?…”

“Ridiculously low wages… that’s certainly not very Christian…”

“Jeepers, and that food… encouraging obesity… didn’t you read the bit about your body being a temple?…”

 

I knew at once I had to step in to speak up for my friend. I couldn’t let Mr. Cathy be sent to the fiery pits of Hell! I forced my way down to the pearly gates and marched right up to St. Peter

“But wait! St. Peter!” I shouted, “Mr. Truett didn’t just mistreat women, non-Christians, and poor people! He didn’t just encourage the degrading of God’s own work, the human body! he was also A VIRTUOUS HOMOPHOBE!!!”

I leafed through St. Peter’s book, and pointed out some all-important facts: Chick-fil-A has donated more than $5 million to organizations that depict gay people as pedophiles, hope to make “gay behavior” illegal, and even say the homosexuals should be “exported” out of America!

He clearly also raised his family with Virtuous Homophobia. His son, Dan Cathy said that if you support homo-marriage, you “are inviting God’s judgment on our nation when we shake our fist at Him and say ‘we know better than you as to what constitutes a marriage’ and I pray God’s mercy on our generation that has such a prideful, arrogant attitude to think that we have the audacity to define what marriage is about.”

And even if it weren’t for all that, here is the clincher: As pointed out by Mega Church Pastor Rick Warren, Chick-Fil-A was closed on Sundays!!!

How could THAT amount of sheer selfless virtue not make up for any other minor slips along the way?

The Heavens fell silent. We stood waiting for St. Peters next words. Looking Mr. Cathy up and down one final time, he begrudgingly said, “Welcome Home, Truett Cathy, welcome Home.”

 

Right-wing Christianity: “If God loved you more, you wouldn’t need so much water.”

Today’s letter is about water, helping the unfortunate, and how to be a good Christian.

Dear Pastor Gregory,

I just recorded my video for the #IceBucketChallenge! I was super excited to help the ALS Association raise awareness and millions of dollars for this terrible illness. But then one friend of mine, a Christian like me, told me that Americans are hurting poor dehydrated children around the world by wasting water! Now I don’t know what to think. As a Christian, should I be giving water to poor foreign children?

Thanks,
Liam

Thanks for your letter, Liam.

People who say that it’s up to Christians to make sure that poor people have water clearly have not read and understood the Bible. Liberals have twisted and warped the word of the Lord to make it seem like we have to fix every little problem of suffering in the world… but that just isn’t so.

The Bible teaches us very clearly that it is not our job to make sure people have clean drinking water… that’s up to God!

In Isaiah 41:17-18 God says, “When the poor and needy seek water, and there is none, and their tongue is parched with thirst, I the Lord will answer them; I the God of Israel will not forsake them. I will open rivers on the bare heights, and fountains in the midst of the valleys. I will make the wilderness a pool of water, and the dry land springs of water.”

As conservative Christian, I look at that passage, and you know what I see? God is telling me that if a person is thirsty…. it’s his own damn fault!!!

Let me ask you a question, Liam. Do you have water? Of course.

Do I have water? You bet!

Ask yourself: Why?

Some LIBERALS would want you to believe it has to do with government utility regulations, plumbing, water purifying plants and modern technology… BUT THAT IS ALL NONSENSE!!

In John 4:14 Jesus says, “Whoever drinks of the water that I give will never be thirsty again.” Later he says again in John 7:38, “Whoever believes in me…out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.”

The reason you have water is that you are a good conservative Christian, like me. God loves you, Liam. He loves you so much. If he didn’t, you wouldn’t have water.

This is one of the core beliefs of conservative Christianity, you see: You are a sovereign person, you owe nothing to anybody, and everything that you have in this world you have because God gave it to you and you deserve it.

I know some people, especially liberal Christians (…as if that’s even really possible!!), will hear me say that and think I’m exaggerating. But I’m not: this is one of the keystone philosophies of conservative Christianity: you shouldn’t give anything of yours to the poor or the needy, because damnit if God didn’t WANT you to have that fancy car and that vacation home in the Cayman Islands, well he wouldn’t have given it to you in the first place!

Don’t just take my word for it, either! Pat Robertson has pointed out on many occasions that sick people are sick and deaf people are deaf because they did something wrong and God just doesn’t love them enough!

So you can rest easy, Liam. As a good conservative Christian, you have solid Biblical theology on your side. It’s your right to waste water, waste money, and keep all of your material luxuries for yourself. You’ve earned it… by loving God so much!

When Jesus said to help the poor, the starving, and the sick, he didn’t mean give up your hard-earned cash! That’s stupid. He just meant we need to get them to PRAY HARDER…. God will do the rest!

Quenched with Jesus,
Pastor Gregory

Dehydrated children just aren't praying hard enough

How to convince your libtard friends that global warming is a hoax

Today’s letter is about global warming, also known as global climate change, and how to convince your atheistic liberal friends that it’s all a hoax.

Dear Pastor Gregory,
The other day when I was scrapbooking with my girlfriends, and they all teamed up against me when I tried to explain that global warming is a hoax. They asked me how I knew it was a hoax… and it was so awkward when I couldn’t explain. I know it’s True because that’s what my Pastor told me, but how can I explain it to other people?

Thanks,
Colleen

You’ve got it right, Colleen: Global Warming is a hoax.

More importantly: it’s a hoax made up by the government to undermine Christianity. Now, I know that pot-worshiping libertarian Paul Ryan says Global Warming is “an excuse to grow government, raise taxes and slow down economic growth.” But that’s not the real reason Obama is pushing the global warming lie on the world.

The real motivation behind the Global Warming hoax is the destruction of traditional, deeply-held Christian beliefs. You see, if you are a  good Christian you know only God can change the weather. But if those liberals get you thinking that humans can cause Global Warming, then they have you doubting the supremacy of God.

This isn’t the first time the government has tried to use “science” to cast doubt on serious Christian beliefs, either.

Moon Landing "Teach The Controversy" TextbookBack when I was a young pastor they tried convincing us we landed on the moon! Luckily my religious textbook was able to TEACH THE CONTROVERSY and show me how false the moon landing really was. Our free-loving yet god-hating government spent billions of taxpayer dollars to stage the moon landing.

“Why oh why would they do all of this?” I hear you asking. Because they hate Christianity.

You see, if people think that we can land on the moon, then they might start thinking that heaven isn’t above the sky, like the Bible says. And if heaven isn’t above the sky, then they might think maybe heaven doesn’t exist at all! So the moon landing was part of a plot to get American citizens to stop believing in Biblical heaven.

God BlowsLuckily, God was too tricky for those big government liberals. You see, when they filmed the fake moon landing in the top secret big government liberal research bases in the Arizona desert, they overlooked the fact that GOD BLEW WIND ON THE FLAG during their photo shoot thus disproving the entire thing.

The liberal viewpoint always completely collapses, when you look at the details. So this is how you can explain it to your friends. When they say “how do you know that global warming is a hoax?” then you just say:

“God controls the weather so nobody can rain on His parade! If you don’t believe me, just go research FAKE MOON LANDING and you will be convinced!”

Now go forth, and spread the Good News.

Pastor Gregory

 

Atheism causes obesity, teen misbehavior, contraception and sharks!

Today’s letter is about the decline of religion, and its terrible effects on our society and our culture.

Dear Pastor Gregory:As a good Republican — who follows the Biblical model for marriage, of course — I stay at home while my husband works. Needless to say, I have a TON of free time and love watching Fox News (the only fair and balanced source of TRUTH other than Jesus Christ).

If I have learned anything in my years of TV-research it’s that Americans are rapidly loosing their Christian values! We seem to be over-run by atheists in this country, and I’m worried about what might happen as a result?

Sincerely,
Megan

You are so right, Megan! The God, the guns, and the guts that made this country free are being replaced by a pro-Muslim, pro-baby-killing, pro-socialist atheists. And there has even been a study that shows that atheism is on the rise in the United States, and belief in the One True God is on the decline.

Religious Decline, the rise of Atheism

And as far as what might happen as a result of this decline in religious belief… well, I hate to tell you this, Megan, but: It already is happening.

Usually numbers, facts, and statistics are used by the Devil to trick you into believing Worldly-lies, but in this case they seem to make sense. We can take a look at the above graph, showing the decline of religion, and find a direct correlation between that and:

INCREASING OBESITY!

obesity graphGod’s ways are not fat-ways.

In Daniel 1:12 it is written, “Give us nothing more than vegetables to eat and water to drink.” You see Megan, all fat people are worshiping the Devil, and are atheists.

That’s why there are so many fat people right now. To bring this country back to our Founding Father’s healthy habits, celery sticks and ice chips should be the only foods sold for an entire year.

A DECLINE IN TEEN MOTHERS!

Birth rate for teen momsJust 28 verses into the first pages of our Holy Bible God commands, “Be fruitful and multiply!” (Genesis 1:28). With the decline of Christianity in America, this command is being ignored; teenage girls are not able to fulfill their God-given baby-making purpose. We truth-bearing-conservatives must promote legislation that gets our girls pregnant ASAP or the wrath of God will be unleashed – will we be the next Sodom and Gomorrah?!

Compare this graph to the first one, and you can clearly see the relationship: Both are going down. Obviously, the decrease in Godly beliefs is causing a decline in fertility among young women.

INCREASING CONTRACEPTION USE!

contraception use graphIt’s with cosmic crochet needles that God “knits us together in our mother’s womb,” (Psalm 139:13) making this decline in American religiosity far more terrifying than ever before. In many states like California, baby-killing has become a sport in which Democratic legislators battle for the most throats they can force contraception down! Ok, that might not literally be true BUT THIS GRAPH IS STILL SCARY FOR TRUE CHRISTIANS!

Once again, I have to point out the obvious relationship between this graph and the first one: as belief in God goes down, contraception use goes up! COINCIDENCE???

….AND AN INCREASE IN THE NUMBER OF SHARKS BEING CAUGHT!

Graph number of sharks caughtLook at this terrifying graph. As Godliness in America has steadily declined, so the number of sharks being caught has gone up. Could the end of Christendom could also mean THE END OF SHARK WEEK!? Second only to the Christmas season, Shark Week is an American holiday dating back to the times of Pilgrims and Indians… but as religion is replaced with idolatrous Obama-worship, sharks are being caught.

If the liberals have their way, they will be replaced by non-violent pacifish (illustrated on the graph to the left for your convenience)!

Is that what you want, America? Is that REALLY what you want?

Sincerely,

Pastor Gregory

 

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TWO WARS AT ONCE! THANKS OBAMA!

Today’s letter is important, because it gives us insight into two things that many people don’t realize are connected: the war on Christianity, and the war on White People.

Dear Pastor Gregory,

Listening to Laura Ingraham’s God-inspired radio program last week I heard Alabama Congressman Mo Brooks put to words something I have felt the Lord telling me for so many years: everybody is racist against whites. He said,

“This is a part of the War on Whites that’s being launched by the Democratic Party. And the way in which they’re launching this war is by claiming that whites hate everybody else.”

Is the Devil behind War on Whites? What would Jesus do?

Sincerely,
Bobby Jr.

Bobby,

The War on Whites is, unfortunately, a reality! And what is more: it is deeply tied to the War on Christianity, which is also a reality!

How do I know? Well, for one thing, Barack Hussein Obama’s socialist policies STEAL MONEY FROM RICH WHITE MEN. That’s not that relevant but it’s important to point out.

What else? Carl Sagan’s evil attempt to debunk Creationist Biblical Truth, the show Cosmos, has recently been rebooted. Even though it is an demonic show, they could have at least gotten a nice white man to replace Carl Sagan. But did they do it? No, the head of the anti-Christian crusade is now a black man.

In other words, they specifically chose a non-white person to lead their anti-Christian crusade, even though I’m sure there would have been plenty of qualified white people who could have gotten that job…..HOW MUCH MORE EVIDENCE COULD YOU POSSIBLY NEED?

War on Christians. War on White people. TWO WARS AT ONCE! Thanks, Obama!

Frankly, “race” isn’t even a real thing. The word “African American” doesn’t appear in the Bible.  When you read the Bible, do you imagine the characters being different races? Of course not. The characters in the Bible are your ancestors. And you are white. So that means they must have been white. Ever think about that, scientists???

The earth is not divided by race, but is united by our 6,000-year-old human-race parents: Adam and Eve (not Adam and “Jamal”).

Yours in Christ,

Pastor Gregory

 

Read About Related WarsWar on Christmas, War on Masculinity, War on Bros

The Biblical solution to gay anal pig demons

Today’s letter is about a very important topic that I’ve talked about before in my video program: demons. But this time we have a more specific problem to address: gay anal pig demons.

Dear Pastor Gregory,

I have been trying to convert my next-door neighbor for 15 years now. She is a staunch atheist and under the illusion that her lesbianism is not a mental illness. Whenever I visit her home it smells like a thousand dyeing bodies rotting away under the moldy brown carpet. I understand that lesbians like a laid back lifestyle, no bras, and hairy armpits – but why do they also smell so bad?

Sincerely,

Ramona

Ramona,

It’s time for Christians to stop watering down the truth. You have heard many of our fine religious leaders, like Gordon Klingemschmitt, Republican candidate for the Colorado House of Representatives, tell you that gay people are possessed by demons… but this is only a half truth.

The full truth is: HOMOSEXUALS ACTUALLY ARE DEMONS!

My brother in Christ Bert Farias blogged about this very subject just last week in his Charisma News Column, inexplicably called The Flaming Herald.  Yes, that is actually what it is called.  No, nobody knows why. Here is their banner:

The Flaming Gay Herald

Here’s the raw, naked truth” pastor Bert Farias said, with apparently no concept of how gay that phrase sounds, “Homosexuality is actually a demon spirit. It is such a putrid-smelling demon that other demons don’t even like to hang around it. A genuine prophet of God told me that the Lord allowed him to smell this demon spirit, and he got sick to his stomach. And yet as humans, many embrace this demon. Yes, you heard me right: Being gay is demonic.”

In the loving spirit of Jesus, Brother Bert also reminds us that “Pigs have more sense than” anal-sex loving homosexuals. The demons smelled so bad that even the pigs were willing to drown themselves than be possessed with those smelly sinful spirits! Here is the exact quote from Farias:

“There is an account in the Bible where Jesus casts 2,000 demons out of a man. The demons came out screaming and begged Jesus to send them into the pigs. The pigs didn’t want them, so they ran down a steep hill and were drowned in the sea. Pigs have more sense than some humans. Some people embrace homosexual demons, but the pigs would rather die than be possessed with demons.”

So there you have it Romana! The loving voice of Jesus is telling you what to do.

Don’t be-friend her. Don’t try to save her soul. She is a demon. Pack your bags and run…. even if that means killing yourself by running down a hill and drowning in the water to get away from her.

It’s the biblical thing to do.

Pastor Gregory

Note: These homosexual pig demons did not heed God's warning and kill themselves by running down a hill into a lake. They will be punished in the afterlife as a result.
Note: These homosexual pig demons did not heed God’s warning and kill themselves by running down a hill into a lake. They will be punished in the afterlife as a result.

Sin, yelling, and Game of Thrones: a guide for Modern Christians

The modern world has so much sin in it: from same-sex couples who love each other and want to get married, to women wanting equal pay, to shows like Game of Thrones. How are good Christians supposed to deal?

Pastor Gregory responds to a letter from one of our viewers, explaining that all of the terrible sin in the modern world is just a test from God. It is part of God’s plan. You see, God wants to make sure that you don’t get taken in by the seemingly harmless nature of nice polite gay people, women asking for “equal rights”, or boobies and swear words on the television set.

When the world confronts you with these sinful things, you as a Christian must speak up. No, don’t just speak up: YELL!  YELL REALLY REALLY LOUD!!!!

“If you are a good Christian,” explains Pastor Gregory, “You should always be yelling.”

Make sure you subscribe to our Youtube Channel to get notified about the latest episodes of Christian and Answer with Pastor Gregory.

Video direct link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wgkT943lEmU

A compassionate, loving Biblical solution to all those dirty illegals

Today’s letter comes from man who is concerned that we have a president who has busted our borders wide open, and let in a flood of illegal immigrants.

Dear Pastor Gregory,

As a born again faithful believer in Jesus Christ our Lord, I’m worried about the illegal immigration problem. I don’t think we can have all of these Mexican illegals stealing our jobs and sucking our economy dry. But just throwing them out seems un-Christian, too.
Our immigration system is obviously broken, and needs to be changed. Is there a BIBLICAL solution to all of this?

Sincerely,
Victor

Friend Victor,

Much like the Earth orbits the Sun, every nation on our globe orbits America. Our Founding Fathers weren’t kidding when they said, “One Nation under GOD” because America truly is under God’s supreme rule! Our great country is God’s Kingdom here on Earth, and we need no further proof than the simple words of Jesus: “The Kingdom of God is here” (Luke 17:21)

The Bible also says, “Ye must be born again to enter the Kingdom of God” (John 3:7). And I don’t think this was meant metaphorically. I think God is giving us very specific instructions on how we should be letting people into this country.

New birth is the answer. New birth is required for anyone to enter into God’s country, a.k.a. the United States. Therefore the Biblical solution to immigration is obviously to replace our current long and tedious “naturalization process” with… Birthing Centers!

The Christian solution to immigration is to make sure foreigners are re-born as Christians.
A possible view of a Christian way to enter this country: RE-BIRTHING CENTERS!

When dirty, disease-ridden foreigners go through a Birthing Center:

A) They will be cleansed with Holy Water to help purify their dark and wasted souls. Holy Water is scientifically proven to cleanse dead-beat Mexicans into hard-working Americans.

B) They will be forced to memorize the entire King James Bible — including the table of contents and editors preface. Memorizing God’s Word is the only proven method to wash the sinful Spanish language away, replacing it with the only one that matters to God: ENGLISH!

C) They will be tested in a scientific and theologically correct way, by measuring their natural reaction to hearing the word “socialist”. If they vomit everywhere upon hearing it, they truly have been born again and are welcome into God’s American Kingdom! No vomit, no entry.

 

I think this plan even has potential to get bi-partisan support. After all, when we reject foreigners from a birthing center, preventing them from being re-born as an American, it won’t be “deporting” them….. it will be “aborting” their American re-birth!

And we all know how much liberals love abortions!!!

With gracious joy,
Pastor Gregory

Four clear-cut reasons soccer is un-Christian and must be banished from the land!!

Dear Faithful Readers,

It has come to my attention that our viewership has been down this month. Going to Jesus in prayer, He told me it was because of Satan’s sinful soccer game – the World Cup. The King of Darkness has some how orchestrated a global gathering of televised homoerotic foot-fetish debauchery, and it has distracted good Americans from more important things. Like prayer, and reading articles on LiberalBias.com.

Satan must be stopped! Soccer must be exposed!

First, research has shown that soccer evolved from the beloved English game Footsie!, but sinners have manipulated our innocent foot fun into a mess of daisy-boys prancing around after colorful balls. According to our source, “Baptist research indicates that ‘Playing Footsie’ often leads powder-puff little gay daisy boys into choosing to participate in an even more dangerous game later in life: that game is called sodomy!

Second, Satan uses “sports” like soccer to promote Socialist ideas. The Soccer-Industrial Complex refuses to allow individuality and creates mindless hedonists kicking balls around in circles. Many of these mindless soccer sinners even grow out their hair, which God says is an abomination (Leviticus 10:6).

Third, soccer also destroys traditional Christian heterosexual monogamous families. The short shorts these players are wearing are not only causing women to lustfully leave their husbands, but are also exposing our children to the homosexual lifestyle when player’s testicles flop out of their tiny booty-shorts. Many of these men prance around showing off their bodies as if they are sex symbols or something, when every good traditional Christian knows that’s what women’s bodies are for!

The craven sexual exploitation of men in soccer, which proves soccer is gay.... because straight men know that only women should be exploited for their bodies.... or something.
The sexual exploitation of men in soccer, which proves soccer is gay…. because straight men know that only women should be exploited for their bodies! …or something. Christians know what I mean.

Men having sexually attractive bodies is just… not part of Christian family values. It might be custom in uncivilized countries for men to run around naked, but this is America and male nudity must be controlled with fear of God’s own hand!  Uh… judgement, I mean.

Finally, speaking of hands, Satan’s socialist soccer game is an outward expression of total stupidity and ignorance. God gave humans hands, but in soccer you are only allowed to use your feet. How stupid is that? Idiots. “Oh simple ones, learn prudence; Oh fools, learn sense” (Proverbs 8:5).

 

In conclusion, there is a good reason true Americans don’t understand soccer, and all of this intense soccer-viewing is surely a sign that America is on the decline!  In the name of Jesus please call your local representatives and pastors – warn them of this abomination! Get involved! Fight back!

In His steps,

Pastor Gregory

 

P.S. Just to prove to you how terrible soccer is, here is one more sinful, evil picture of men who play soccer DO NOT LOOK AT IT TOO MUCH because you might have to pluck out your own eyeballs as penance.

photo courtesy of Vanity Fair
photo courtesy of Vanity Fair