The dangers of a liberal July 4th party

Chilli Grilled Tofu, very un-American food

This year, for the Fourth of July, I decided to infiltrate a liberal Independence Day celebration to see what happens when you mix patriotism with LIBERAL BIAS.

Chilli Grilled Tofu, very un-American foodIt was obvious that it was a liberal party, even though supposedly it was to celebrate the birth of this great nation. People were swimming in the pool, but nobody was wearing American flag patterns on their swimsuits. They were grilling the most terrible lame tofu vegetarian stuff, instead of dead flesh, like real Americans eat. Plus, absolutely nobody was reading from the Constitution or the Declaration of Independence.  It was a horrible experience.

So I decided to stir things up a little bit by grabbing a beer, and yelling, “America is the best country in the world! Today is about celebrating the fact that we’re the only country where there is real FREEDOM! YEE-HAW!

Instead of the usual applauds, cheers, and offers of sex that usually come as a response to this kind of talk, I was met with curious looks, and one person said, “Well, actually… most Western European countries are pretty free these days…”

I don’t believe that,” I said, defending the honor of my country.  “Besides, even if it’s true now, America was the first country to have a government by the people! We invented elections!!”

 

At this point, most people realized that I was right and so turned away to go back to other things.  However, I could tell that a couple of these liberals at this party were just itching for a fight.  Some guy wearing a Hawaiian-looking shirt said: “Actually, elections have been around a really long time. I mean, didn’t they have elections in the Roman empire back in like 900 AD?”

“Yeah,” piped up some other scrawny-looking guy, probably educated in some kind of fancy university. “The nobles elected the emperor. Which really wasn’t that different from the early elections here in the United States, where only white male land-owners could vote.”

Shut up! I don’t believe that,” I cleverly replied, “And besides, even if that’s true, those were still elected monarchs who could do anything at all to the people! The United States invented due process, and the idea that you can’t just lock people up for no reason!!! That’s why America is the BEST!!!”

 

Then some hippie-looking chick, probably one of those feminists, totally got in my face and was all, “Actually, that was the Magna Carta, in 1297. It said that nobody could be imprisoned or arrested or punished without being accused of a crime and being given a trial. In fact, the Founding Fathers of the United States specifically stole the Fifth Amendment from the Magna Carta.”

I don’t believe that!!” I said, like any proud American would. “Besides, America invented other stuff! We have the free market!” I continued, “America invented capitalism!”

 

“Actually,” said some other whiny liberal in the crowd, “There have been cities in Europe going back as far as the thirteenth century that guaranteed that anyone living there was free to buy and sell whatever goods they chose. It was written into the town charters of many Medieval cities!”

I don’t believe that,” I said, taking another swig of beer. “Besides, even if that’s true, they still didn’t have freedom of speech! America invented freedom of speech!”

 

“Actually, didn’t Sweden abolish censorship in 1766?” asked some foreign-looking guy drinking a Margarita.

“That’s right,” said a person standing next to him, “And Denmark and Norway in 1770.”

Shut up!  Shut up, shut up shut up! I don’t believe any of that!” I yelled, turning around to face the other direction, so those liberals who had just spoken would know that they were wrong.

Stupid liberals.

 

The Tea Party Cat explains the 2012 election aftermath

Tea Party Cat

Tea Party Cat

In this exclusive interview for LiberalBias.com, Greg Stevens gets the Tea Party Cat to cut through political gaffes, backpedaling and misstatements to find out what our great conservative leaders will really be thinking after the 2012 election.


Greg Stevens [GS]:  One of your great talents as a powerful voice on the Right is your ability to state, in simple terms that everyone can understand, what our leaders are really thinking. We all know that people misspeak, and sometimes get quoted out of context. But even when politicians don’t quite say what they should, you have a talent for being able to decipher what they really mean.

Paul Ryan.Donald Duck

So if I can get your wisdom and insight on the record, exclusively for us here at Liberalbias.com, I would like us to take a look into the future at what our political leaders will really be thinking the day after the election. What do you say?

Tea Party Cat [TPC]: Well, as you know, for conservatives there are only two futures: apocalyptic futures where America is destroyed by 39% marginal tax rates on the rich, and bright futures where heroic (male) leaders restore America to its rightful place as absolute ruler of the world and impose fundamentalist Christianity and democracy on the world at the end of a tank barrel.

GS: That sounds right… so let’s start by imagining the worst case scenario: Obama has been re-elected.

TPC: That would be a real tragedy. The Koch brothers and Sheldon Adelson have invested a billion dollars in this election, and to have it stolen by voters would be horrible. If this happens, then it might deter billionaires from trying to buy future elections, which would mean even more control over our government by the moochers.

GS: If we could get him to admit it bluntly, what is Mitt Romney really thinking?

TPC: “Oh, well. Good thing we did this on the Koch and Adelson money instead of mine. And besides we skimmed plenty off the top from the SuperPACs for ‘management fees’, so it’s really no different than KB Toys.”

GS: And what is Paul Ryan really thinking?

TPC: “Good thing I stayed on the ballot for my congressional seat. Plus now I can write a book like Palin did and finally cash in on this.”

GS: And Barack Obama?

TPC: Well, that’s going to be more of a conversation like this:

Obama: “Bill, thanks for all your help in this campaign. What can I do to repay you?”
Bill Clinton: “Barack, you know what I want.”
Obama: “OK, I’ll hire back the Secret Service team that got caught with prostitutes in Colombia and assign them to your detail.”
Bill Clinton: “And?”
Obama: “And I’ll keep Hillary out of the country as much as possible.”

GS: And Sarah Palin?

TPC: “Don’t blame me. I backed Newt.”

GS: Newt Gingrich?

TPC: “Hello, Sheldon [Adelson]? So, 2016? I won’t be too old. We both know you can’t trust that Christie guy to toe the line, and Ryan is damaged goods now.”

GS: And what are the Koch brothers thinking?

TPC: “Well, we still own Paul and Scott and Reince in Wisconsin, all of Kansas, Arkansas, and have plenty of others in our pocket. We can still buy 2014 and 2016.”

GS: Reince Priebus?

TPC: “Oh, well, we’ll just have to suppress more votes next time!”

GS: Rick Santorum?

TPC: “I told you Romney couldn’t beat Obama.”

GS: Karl Rove?

TPC: “Oh, thank God! I oversold the election, so it’s a good thing Mitt lost because too many billionaires would expect something.”

GS: Scalia?

TPC: “Mitt lost? Are you sure, Florida? I even got my ‘Bush v Gore pen’ back from the Smithsonian.”

GS: Rick Perry?

TPC: “I knew I should’ve run for president this year. I could’ve won this thing.”

GS: Chris Christie?

TPC: “Hey, Mitt! Sorry you lost. No, not really. I never really liked you or your whole no swearing act, and now it’s wide open for me in 2016. Don’t worry, I won’t be inviting you to the convention—you can sit home with W.”

GS: And finally…. Fox & Friends?

TPC: “Let’s call Trump and see if he thinks the election was stolen too!”

GS: Very impressive! Now, let’s imagine again, but this time it is the day after the election, and the angels have smiled upon our nation and blessed us with a Mitt Romney victory.

NOW, what is the quote from Mitt Romney?

TPC: “I hope all this crazy shit we’ve been saying works, because Paul and Grover are making me go through with this.”

Though at some point you know Romney is going to notice what the job pays, and I can’t see him sticking around for a measly $400,000 a year.

GS: From Paul Ryan?

TPC: “Oh, thank God I don’t have to go on Dancing With The Stars now.”

GS: From Barack Obama?

TPC: “You were right, Hillary, there is a vast right-wing conspiracy. Good luck in 2016.”

GS: From Sarah Palin?

TPC: “My Facebook statuses did it!”

Though I actually expect Palin will go quiet for a while after election night. She’ll be disappointed that Romney won. Criticizing the president is so much easier than trying to justify his mistakes, and as her financial adviser told her last fall, with Romney running for reelection, she can’t pretend to run again to get an all-expense paid family vacation from her SuperPAC. It’s a bad day for Palin, and she knows it.

GS: Mitch McConnell:

TPC: “Holy shit! Sabotaging the economy worked! They fell for it. Suckers!”

GS: Rick Santorum?

TPC: “Could’ve been me. I could’ve beaten Obama. Well, if it weren’t for Google. And the fact that I’m an sufferable prick.”

GS: Chris Christie?

TPC: “Crap! Now I gotta wait until 2020. I was sure 2012 was a loser and it would be mine in 2016.”

GS: Fantastic!  Now, no matter what we hear on our television sets or read in the newspapers on the day after the election, we can all rest assured that we already know what they are really thinking.

Finally, one last question: are you really a cat?

TPC: Well, my identity is a closely guarded secret, but I would like to lay to rest the rumor that I am Stephen Colbert’s cat. I am not. I am no one’s cat. I own people, they don’t own me.

GS: Thank you very much for your time!

 

The Tea Party Cat can be found on Tumblr, on Twitter and on Facebook.