The State of the Union Awards

Red Carpet

Red CarpetFor those of us who live in Hollywood, awards season is a time of non-stop excitement.  The Academy Awards, Emmys, Tony Awards, WGA Awards, SAG Awards, and of course the most dramatic of them all: the State of the Union Awards.

The ceremony for this year’s SOTU Awards was not as dramatic as it has been some years in the past, but still provided a few upsets and some unexpected surprises. Now that the red carpet has been cleaned, and the pomp and circumstance is over, it is time to review the results of America’s biggest award ceremony since the previous one.

 

Best Supporting Actor: Joe Biden cruised to an easy win on the “I’m just happy to be nominated” image he’s been perfecting for years.  John Boehner whined to the advance press junket, “I don’t even want to be there.  I’m not a character actor, I’m a leading man!”  Boehner’s many critics, however, point out that there is more to being a “serious” actor than being able to cry on cue.

 

Best Supporting Actress:  Michelle Obama received universal support for the win with no other real contender through the awards circuit.  She also had the distinction of being the only person in attendance who bothered to get dressed for the evening.  The standard suit and tie, military uniforms and sensible pant suits gave the pundits little to discuss during the lackluster red carpet arrivals.

 

Best Foreign Language Film: This always yawn-worthy category, which typically serves as a bathroom break for most viewers, was once again carried by “Immigration Reform,” though much of the nuance of the subject matter is lost in translation on an audience that is not really interested in reading a movie.  An unnamed source claimed Rick Perry could be heard doggedly pushing his “Build A Bigger Wall” entry, which was not nominated.

 

Best Editing/Special Effects:  “Energy” and the new approach it brings to film cleaned house at the technical awards, but “Big Oil” continues to pound the fledgling competition with its massive budget, over-saturated marketing campaign and familiar action-style editing.

 

Best Sci-Fi/Fantasy Film: “Climate Change,” the only submission in this category since “Let’s Go To Space” stopped being a contender, has no real budget and continues to submit the same tired plot in a re-edited version of the same project in the hopes it will find a new audience.  And funding.

 

Longest Running Franchise: “Taxes: Loopholes and Spending” managed to squeeze out a win over the uninspired “Jobs, Jobs and Good God We Need More Jobs” to take home the award in this category. However, with every entry exhibiting a complete lack of any long-term plot development, most critics agree that an uninterrupted camera shot of a wall of paint drying would win in this category if someone would just submit it.

 

Best Documentary:  “Bring Our Troops Home IX” is the newest edition of the documentary series that always manages to evoke strong support for a win. Some critics are baffled that audiences have not grown bored of the concept, since the original “Bring Our Troops Home” documentary was released in 1964.

 

Best Adapted Screenplay:  “Government: Smarter Not Bigger”, released by the Democratic Films production studio, was the clear winner in the Adapted category. Representatives of competing studios could be heard grumbling, however, that stealing a plot is not the same as adapting it.

 

Best Epic Film: “Entitlement Reform” continues to be the goliath here, handily winning again, but it continues to seem as though no one has actually gotten around to watching the grinding epic all the way through to find out how it ends.

 

Best Actress:  The winner by a landslide, Hillary Clinton, was noticeably absent.  Many believe she is already in pre-production for her next pet project, to be released in 2016.

 

Best Actor:  This award was not given.  In a moment of embarrassment for the entire industry, voters determined that no performance was worthy of a win.

 

Best Feature Film: The controversial big winner of the night was “Guns.”  The tired subject made an explosive return to the ceremony, though the actual meaning of the project evokes strongly divisive responses between those who defend it as art and critics who believe it is glorified torture porn.  Beloved actress Gabby Gifford came out opposed to it, apparently willing to sacrifice her future career on the altar of Jane Fonda.

 

Host Barack Obama: The grassroots affection which pushed him through his first several years presiding over the event has dissipated as many now believe that the “Hope and Change” sweep of 2008 was undeserved.  Obama played the evening strongly toward fans of his current body of work, patronizing his critics and insulting the discerning viewer who refuses to be sold on his flash-over-plot action-style vehicles.

 

Notable Shutouts:  Despite strong support from film festivals and young ticket buyers, “The Gays” was all but shut out.  The most audible grumbling, before and after the broadcast, was from the “Tea Party” cast, producers and fans who were not even invited to present.  Rand Paul, deemed unworthy of an actual nomination for his work in “Tea Party”, cheekily gave his own acceptance speech anyway.

 

Best Performance by A Prop: Best Male Ingénue winner Marco Rubio’s water bottle.  No one remembers his acceptance speech, but the gulp heard round the world was the talk of the after parties.  He may be a flash-in-the-pan Bobby Jindal waiting to happen as his career falls from studio films to cable one hour dramas.

Top 10 Liberally Biased Movies of 2012

Big Gay Mike Warning

Emerson Collins, guest writer

Hollywood correspondent Emerson Collins sums up the most dangerous sources of liberal bias coming out of the Industrial-Entertainment Complex this year… as well as a few conservative successes!


10. Zero Dark Thirty

This liberal retelling of our patriots bringing down Osama Bin Laden makes it seem as though Obama and some lowly female CIA analyst just went out and found Bin Laden by themselves. Without the years of work by President George W. Bush, a true conservative, and the CIA, the FBI and Homeland Security, President Hussein Obama would not have been able to do his figurehead duty and allow the Seals to get on with doing their job. This film does a tragic disservice to conservative America and the tireless work of the military-industrial complex.

9. Argo

Anyone familiar with the actual Iran Hostage Crisis will not recognize the story in this movie. Every conservative knows that it was conservative hero President Ronald Reagan’s inauguration that struck fear into Iran and ended the crisis.  But in this laughable telling of Jimmy Carter’s spineless handling of the crisis, there is no mention of that. Even worse, mediocre-at-best actor Ben Affleck seems determine to preach the lie that America needed Canada’s help to save those six Americans. CANADA!? As if. Everyone knows Canada never gets anything right.

In fact, if both Canada and Jimmy Carter had just let the military do their job, our citizens would have all been back a hell of a lot faster than 444 days.  Argo is a fiction. And a bad one.

8. The Sessions

This is a movie about sex therapy and surrogacy.  What more needs to be said, folks? The Bible tells us everything we need to know about sex.  If your parts don’t work, God doesn’t want you having sex. Period. Who are you to question God’s plan?

7. Bully

A “documentary” about bullying between adolescents.  This is a perfect example of liberal propaganda, as though learning to roll with the punches and defend oneself isn’t a part of the process of becoming a man.  If a boy doesn’t learn to stand up for himself at a young age, he’s never going to learn.  Calling a boy a “bully” just because he is ready to act like a man is starting to sound like some of that “hate speech” liberals are always going on about.  We should be teaching the others boys to stand up for themselves as well, so they don’t end up like the kids in this movie whining about how they cannot defend themselves.  Boys will be boys. If we don’t want to turn them all into girls, we just sometimes have to let them beat on each other.

6. Prometheus

So according to this movie, human beings are the result of an accidental DNA spill by a bunch of aliens somewhere across the universe? That’s not only stupid, but it goes against the Bible. Not that those atheist liberals would know about that.

Liberal Bias Lorax5. Dr. Seuss’ The Lorax

It is truly a tragic day when a beloved children’s author’s work is overtaken by a liberal agenda to preach doom and gloom about the environment again.  This liberal “cautionary tale” barely hides the fact that it loves trees more than people.  They should have just titled it “Greenpeace presents Dr. Seuss’ The Lorax and We Love Plants More Than People”.

4. Les Miserables

It’s a musical.  Enough said.

3. Magic Mike

Big Gay Mike WarningStephen Soderbergh, one of Hollywood’s most liberal “directors”, casts a bunch of male actors and writes a love letter to homosexuals. They did not even try to hide it in the marketing campaign and the costumes.  Oh sure, they’ll tell you it was for women. But that’s obviously a lie. It’s real mission is to turn good, God-fearing conservative men into homosexuals.

In fact, anybody who spends a lot of time thinking about how bad homosexuality is can easily tell that this movie is meant to stir evil homosexual erotic feelings in men. It was a big gay movie, and there is no way around it. If you are a conservative man who, quite naturally, spends a lot of time worrying about homosexuality, then just watch this movie again, and you’ll be certain. Watch it really, really closely.  You’ll be able to feel how disgusting and gay it is. There is no hiding it.

1. and 2. Lincoln

This movie is so obnoxiously liberal that it deserves both the first and second place. As we face the current fiscal cliff because liberals refuse to slash useless government programs, Lincoln is the worst liberal Hollywood moment of the year.  You might wonder how the fiscal cliff is related to Lincoln, but that is only because the liberally biased media is covering up this story. If Lincoln had not destroyed the entire economy of the South, we wouldn’t be facing this current fiscal cliff in the first place, because the power would be in the South where it belongs. That’s what the movie Lincoln should have been about, and what it would have been about if Hollywood wasn’t so immersed in liberal bias.

 


Conservative Success in Hollywood in 2012

Fortunately, there were two Hollywood films that managed to overcome the liberal bias in Hollywood, even if only for a moment a two. So, to end on a positive note, we should recognize those moments as well.

Django Unchained

Ignoring Jamie Foxx’s character’s uppity-ness for a moment, Samuel L. Jackson manages to demonstrate that many slaves were treated well, and were happy with being a productive part of the southern economy before Lincoln destroyed our nation.  Bravo, Mr. Tarantino.

Skyfall

James Bond is the perfect conservative example of a man of action willing to do what needs to be done.  Skyfall finally gets it right as Javier Bardem plays the most realistic villain ever in a Bond movie, mainly because he is a homosexual.  Any good conservative knows that as long as the homos are trying to ruin the foundation of families in America, they should always be portrayed as the villains they are.