Atheism causes obesity, teen misbehavior, contraception and sharks!

Today’s letter is about the decline of religion, and its terrible effects on our society and our culture.

Dear Pastor Gregory:As a good Republican — who follows the Biblical model for marriage, of course — I stay at home while my husband works. Needless to say, I have a TON of free time and love watching Fox News (the only fair and balanced source of TRUTH other than Jesus Christ).

If I have learned anything in my years of TV-research it’s that Americans are rapidly loosing their Christian values! We seem to be over-run by atheists in this country, and I’m worried about what might happen as a result?

Sincerely,
Megan

You are so right, Megan! The God, the guns, and the guts that made this country free are being replaced by a pro-Muslim, pro-baby-killing, pro-socialist atheists. And there has even been a study that shows that atheism is on the rise in the United States, and belief in the One True God is on the decline.

Religious Decline, the rise of Atheism

And as far as what might happen as a result of this decline in religious belief… well, I hate to tell you this, Megan, but: It already is happening.

Usually numbers, facts, and statistics are used by the Devil to trick you into believing Worldly-lies, but in this case they seem to make sense. We can take a look at the above graph, showing the decline of religion, and find a direct correlation between that and:

INCREASING OBESITY!

obesity graphGod’s ways are not fat-ways.

In Daniel 1:12 it is written, “Give us nothing more than vegetables to eat and water to drink.” You see Megan, all fat people are worshiping the Devil, and are atheists.

That’s why there are so many fat people right now. To bring this country back to our Founding Father’s healthy habits, celery sticks and ice chips should be the only foods sold for an entire year.

A DECLINE IN TEEN MOTHERS!

Birth rate for teen momsJust 28 verses into the first pages of our Holy Bible God commands, “Be fruitful and multiply!” (Genesis 1:28). With the decline of Christianity in America, this command is being ignored; teenage girls are not able to fulfill their God-given baby-making purpose. We truth-bearing-conservatives must promote legislation that gets our girls pregnant ASAP or the wrath of God will be unleashed – will we be the next Sodom and Gomorrah?!

Compare this graph to the first one, and you can clearly see the relationship: Both are going down. Obviously, the decrease in Godly beliefs is causing a decline in fertility among young women.

INCREASING CONTRACEPTION USE!

contraception use graphIt’s with cosmic crochet needles that God “knits us together in our mother’s womb,” (Psalm 139:13) making this decline in American religiosity far more terrifying than ever before. In many states like California, baby-killing has become a sport in which Democratic legislators battle for the most throats they can force contraception down! Ok, that might not literally be true BUT THIS GRAPH IS STILL SCARY FOR TRUE CHRISTIANS!

Once again, I have to point out the obvious relationship between this graph and the first one: as belief in God goes down, contraception use goes up! COINCIDENCE???

….AND AN INCREASE IN THE NUMBER OF SHARKS BEING CAUGHT!

Graph number of sharks caughtLook at this terrifying graph. As Godliness in America has steadily declined, so the number of sharks being caught has gone up. Could the end of Christendom could also mean THE END OF SHARK WEEK!? Second only to the Christmas season, Shark Week is an American holiday dating back to the times of Pilgrims and Indians… but as religion is replaced with idolatrous Obama-worship, sharks are being caught.

If the liberals have their way, they will be replaced by non-violent pacifish (illustrated on the graph to the left for your convenience)!

Is that what you want, America? Is that REALLY what you want?

Sincerely,

Pastor Gregory

 

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4 Replies to “Atheism causes obesity, teen misbehavior, contraception and sharks!”

  1. Stop following the bible. It is basically a bunch of lies and fallacies. See the following for more details.

    Scientific Inaccuracy of the Bible
    A. Earth is about 6000 years old, as calculated from the genealogies in Gen and Luke 3. (see the problem of a young earth later in the outline)

    B. Birds were created before land animals (Gen 1:20, 24). – Fossil record shows exact opposite

    C. Earth has four corners, and floats on water (Isa 11:12, Ps 24:2, 136:6, Rev 7:1).

    D. Earth is a circular disk (Isa 40:22).

    E. Earth is flat (these verses were used for centuries by the church to prove this: Ps 93:1, Jer 10:13, Dan 4:10-11, Zech 9:10, Matt 4:8, Rev 1:7)

    F. Earth does not move (Ps 93:1, 96:10, 104:5, 1 Chr 16:30).

    G. Death or illness is caused by sin (Gen 2:17, Lev 26:16, 21, 25, Deut 7:15, 28:21, 27, James 1:15).

    H. God himself believes that a house or clothes can have leprosy and he details the remedy. Lev 13, 14.

    I. Seed must “die” before it grows (John 12:24, 1 Cor 15:36).

    J. Snakes eat dust (Gen 3:14, Isa 65:25).

    K. Every beast shall fear man (Gen 9:2).

    L. The ostrich abandons her eggs (Job 39:13-16).

    M. A river divides into four rivers and they flow in different directions (Gen 2:10).

    N. There was no rainbow before Noah’s time (Gen 9:11-17).

    O. Thunder is God’s voice (Ps 77:18).

    P. Earthquakes are caused by God’s anger (Job 9:5, Ps 18:7, 77:18, 97:4, Isa 2:19, 24:20, 29:6, Jer 10:10, Ezek 38:20, Nah 1:5). Or by his voice (Heb 12:26). Or by Lucifer (Isa 14:16).

    Q. Earthquakes can occur in heaven (Heb 12:26).

    R. Rainwater does not return to the sky (Isa 55:10).

    S. Blood is “life” (Deut 12:23). Breath is “life” (Gen 2:7).

    T. Moon will turn to blood (Acts 2:20).

    U. The moon has a light of its own (Isa 13:10, Matt 24:29).

    V. The stars can be made to fall (Matt 24:29, Mark 13:25).

    W. The bat is a bird (Lev 11:13,19, Deut 14:11, 18).

    X. The whale is a fish (Jonah 1:17, Matt 12:40).

    Y. Whales were created before insects (Gen 1:21-24).

    Z. Jonah is able to survive three days and nights in the belly of the fish without oxygen and without being digested (Jonah1:17, 2:10).

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    [NOTE: Please don’t cut and paste 6000+ word comments here. Thanks]

  2. 10 signs of Christians:

    10 – You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of yours.

    9 – You feel insulted and “dehumanized” when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.

    8 – You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God.

    7 – Your face turns purple when you hear of the “atrocities” attributed to Allah, but you don’t even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in “Exodus” and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in “Joshua” including women, children, and trees!

    6 – You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.

    5 – You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (few billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is a few generations old.

    4 – You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs — though excluding those in all rival sects – will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet consider your religion the most “tolerant” and “loving.”
    3 – While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in “tongues” may be all the evidence you need to “prove” Christianity.

    2 – You define 0.01% as a “high success rate” when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God.

    1 – You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history – but still call yourself a Christian.

  3. Guys, guys, guys: this is satire. Both the letter and the response. Put the overly-wordy, self-satisfied comments back in the atheism starter pack and just have a laugh with the rest of us.

  4. SHARKS! But I was hoping from the title that atheism would be causing a rise in the shark population – and yet you say the opposite. Imagine my *sadface* at being thus let down. :'(

    But … but if the Pacifish are replacing the sharks, aren’t they then guilty of creating an extinction event with their passive-aggressive oceanographic hegemony, after which they would then have to disappear in a puff of logic? Or maybe Liberal Guilt? Minds grasping at straws want to know!

    TL;DR: *applause*

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