The Biblical solution to gay anal pig demons

Today’s letter is about a very important topic that I’ve talked about before in my video program: demons. But this time we have a more specific problem to address: gay anal pig demons.

Dear Pastor Gregory,

I have been trying to convert my next-door neighbor for 15 years now. She is a staunch atheist and under the illusion that her lesbianism is not a mental illness. Whenever I visit her home it smells like a thousand dyeing bodies rotting away under the moldy brown carpet. I understand that lesbians like a laid back lifestyle, no bras, and hairy armpits – but why do they also smell so bad?

Sincerely,

Ramona

Ramona,

It’s time for Christians to stop watering down the truth. You have heard many of our fine religious leaders, like Gordon Klingemschmitt, Republican candidate for the Colorado House of Representatives, tell you that gay people are possessed by demons… but this is only a half truth.

The full truth is: HOMOSEXUALS ACTUALLY ARE DEMONS!

My brother in Christ Bert Farias blogged about this very subject just last week in his Charisma News Column, inexplicably called The Flaming Herald.  Yes, that is actually what it is called.  No, nobody knows why. Here is their banner:

The Flaming Gay Herald

Here’s the raw, naked truth” pastor Bert Farias said, with apparently no concept of how gay that phrase sounds, “Homosexuality is actually a demon spirit. It is such a putrid-smelling demon that other demons don’t even like to hang around it. A genuine prophet of God told me that the Lord allowed him to smell this demon spirit, and he got sick to his stomach. And yet as humans, many embrace this demon. Yes, you heard me right: Being gay is demonic.”

In the loving spirit of Jesus, Brother Bert also reminds us that “Pigs have more sense than” anal-sex loving homosexuals. The demons smelled so bad that even the pigs were willing to drown themselves than be possessed with those smelly sinful spirits! Here is the exact quote from Farias:

“There is an account in the Bible where Jesus casts 2,000 demons out of a man. The demons came out screaming and begged Jesus to send them into the pigs. The pigs didn’t want them, so they ran down a steep hill and were drowned in the sea. Pigs have more sense than some humans. Some people embrace homosexual demons, but the pigs would rather die than be possessed with demons.”

So there you have it Romana! The loving voice of Jesus is telling you what to do.

Don’t be-friend her. Don’t try to save her soul. She is a demon. Pack your bags and run…. even if that means killing yourself by running down a hill and drowning in the water to get away from her.

It’s the biblical thing to do.

Pastor Gregory

Note: These homosexual pig demons did not heed God's warning and kill themselves by running down a hill into a lake. They will be punished in the afterlife as a result.
Note: These homosexual pig demons did not heed God’s warning and kill themselves by running down a hill into a lake. They will be punished in the afterlife as a result.

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