A compassionate, loving Biblical solution to all those dirty illegals

Today’s letter comes from man who is concerned that we have a president who has busted our borders wide open, and let in a flood of illegal immigrants.

Dear Pastor Gregory,

As a born again faithful believer in Jesus Christ our Lord, I’m worried about the illegal immigration problem. I don’t think we can have all of these Mexican illegals stealing our jobs and sucking our economy dry. But just throwing them out seems un-Christian, too.
Our immigration system is obviously broken, and needs to be changed. Is there a BIBLICAL solution to all of this?

Sincerely,
Victor

Friend Victor,

Much like the Earth orbits the Sun, every nation on our globe orbits America. Our Founding Fathers weren’t kidding when they said, “One Nation under GOD” because America truly is under God’s supreme rule! Our great country is God’s Kingdom here on Earth, and we need no further proof than the simple words of Jesus: “The Kingdom of God is here” (Luke 17:21)

The Bible also says, “Ye must be born again to enter the Kingdom of God” (John 3:7). And I don’t think this was meant metaphorically. I think God is giving us very specific instructions on how we should be letting people into this country.

New birth is the answer. New birth is required for anyone to enter into God’s country, a.k.a. the United States. Therefore the Biblical solution to immigration is obviously to replace our current long and tedious “naturalization process” with… Birthing Centers!

The Christian solution to immigration is to make sure foreigners are re-born as Christians.
A possible view of a Christian way to enter this country: RE-BIRTHING CENTERS!

When dirty, disease-ridden foreigners go through a Birthing Center:

A) They will be cleansed with Holy Water to help purify their dark and wasted souls. Holy Water is scientifically proven to cleanse dead-beat Mexicans into hard-working Americans.

B) They will be forced to memorize the entire King James Bible — including the table of contents and editors preface. Memorizing God’s Word is the only proven method to wash the sinful Spanish language away, replacing it with the only one that matters to God: ENGLISH!

C) They will be tested in a scientific and theologically correct way, by measuring their natural reaction to hearing the word “socialist”. If they vomit everywhere upon hearing it, they truly have been born again and are welcome into God’s American Kingdom! No vomit, no entry.

 

I think this plan even has potential to get bi-partisan support. After all, when we reject foreigners from a birthing center, preventing them from being re-born as an American, it won’t be “deporting” them….. it will be “aborting” their American re-birth!

And we all know how much liberals love abortions!!!

With gracious joy,
Pastor Gregory


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