Four clear-cut reasons soccer is un-Christian and must be banished from the land!!

Dear Faithful Readers,

It has come to my attention that our viewership has been down this month. Going to Jesus in prayer, He told me it was because of Satan’s sinful soccer game – the World Cup. The King of Darkness has some how orchestrated a global gathering of televised homoerotic foot-fetish debauchery, and it has distracted good Americans from more important things. Like prayer, and reading articles on LiberalBias.com.

Satan must be stopped! Soccer must be exposed!

First, research has shown that soccer evolved from the beloved English game Footsie!, but sinners have manipulated our innocent foot fun into a mess of daisy-boys prancing around after colorful balls. According to our source, “Baptist research indicates that ‘Playing Footsie’ often leads powder-puff little gay daisy boys into choosing to participate in an even more dangerous game later in life: that game is called sodomy!

Second, Satan uses “sports” like soccer to promote Socialist ideas. The Soccer-Industrial Complex refuses to allow individuality and creates mindless hedonists kicking balls around in circles. Many of these mindless soccer sinners even grow out their hair, which God says is an abomination (Leviticus 10:6).

Third, soccer also destroys traditional Christian heterosexual monogamous families. The short shorts these players are wearing are not only causing women to lustfully leave their husbands, but are also exposing our children to the homosexual lifestyle when player’s testicles flop out of their tiny booty-shorts. Many of these men prance around showing off their bodies as if they are sex symbols or something, when every good traditional Christian knows that’s what women’s bodies are for!

The craven sexual exploitation of men in soccer, which proves soccer is gay.... because straight men know that only women should be exploited for their bodies.... or something.
The sexual exploitation of men in soccer, which proves soccer is gay…. because straight men know that only women should be exploited for their bodies! …or something. Christians know what I mean.

Men having sexually attractive bodies is just… not part of Christian family values. It might be custom in uncivilized countries for men to run around naked, but this is America and male nudity must be controlled with fear of God’s own hand!  Uh… judgement, I mean.

Finally, speaking of hands, Satan’s socialist soccer game is an outward expression of total stupidity and ignorance. God gave humans hands, but in soccer you are only allowed to use your feet. How stupid is that? Idiots. “Oh simple ones, learn prudence; Oh fools, learn sense” (Proverbs 8:5).

 

In conclusion, there is a good reason true Americans don’t understand soccer, and all of this intense soccer-viewing is surely a sign that America is on the decline!  In the name of Jesus please call your local representatives and pastors – warn them of this abomination! Get involved! Fight back!

In His steps,

Pastor Gregory

 

P.S. Just to prove to you how terrible soccer is, here is one more sinful, evil picture of men who play soccer DO NOT LOOK AT IT TOO MUCH because you might have to pluck out your own eyeballs as penance.

photo courtesy of Vanity Fair
photo courtesy of Vanity Fair

One Reply to “Four clear-cut reasons soccer is un-Christian and must be banished from the land!!”

  1. There was some scandal back in the early 2000s (IIRC) in places like Nigeria (natch) that dreads worn by soccer players would encourage the young and impressionable to become gay. I gave up on Google:( For some reason, I deleted it from my humorous LGBT link list:(

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