Once again, science has found even more evidence for the “Big Bang Theory” of the origins of the universe. This whole “evidence” situation has gotten so bad that plenty of conservatives are ready to give up on their deeply-held beliefs. “So what if the universe is billions of years old?” they say. “After all, I can still believe that God was the one who created the Big Bang in the first place, right?”
This kind of thinking completely ignores the stark realities of the political world we live in today. To understand the conservative position on the origin of the universe, you have to understand conservative psychology.
To that end, here are 10 good reasons why no real conservative can ever, ever, EVER accept the Big Bang theory of the creation of the universe:
1. If you admit the universe is old, THE OTHER SIDE WINS
And they will gloat. And they will rub it in your face. You don’t want that, do you?
2. If you admit the universe is old, YOU ARE BETRAYING YOUR OWN KIND
Plenty of Republican politicians have gotten up in front of people and said they don’t believe in the Big Bang. If you suddenly say that you are a conservative, and you do believe in the Big Bang… well, they’ll just feel stupid, won’t they? These are good people, with honest hearts. Why would you do that to them? Huh? Why?
3. If God meant us to believe in things like “background radiation” and “quarks”, they would be in the Bible
The Hebrew word for “quark” is קווארק and it doesn’t appear anywhere in Genesis. Genesis mentions everything that is important: animals, plants, people, sea monsters, and so on. Obviously, these “quark” things that physicists talk about are not important.
4. God would never do that
It’s pretty clear that God’s entire focus is just on human beings and nothing else, and creating a big universe that existed for billions of years just makes no sense. What a waste of time.
5. If the Big Bang theory might be right, then THE LIBERALS WIN
We can’t allow them to be right about ANYTHING. At all. Don’t you understand????
6. The Big Bang theory is just a trick to get people to believe in evolution
We can’t allow people to believe the Big Bang theory, because it’s a slippery slope. If they believe the Big Bang theory, next they might believe evolution. If they believe evolution, it automatically follows that all morality is relative and people can marry squid and mass murder may as well be acceptable DO YOU WANT TO LIVE IN THAT HELL HOLE????
7. The Big Bang theory is just a tool to make you feel less special
According to the Big Bang theory, you’re not special. But that is mean, why would anyone tell you that you’re not special??? You ARE SPECIAL. And you deserve to feel special. See? I told you the Big Bang theory was wrong.
8. If you admit that religious people might be wrong about the age of the earth, you are BETRAYING YOUR RELIGION.
Think of all of those nice people at church. These are people you spend Sundays with, and trade baked goods with. They are nice people, who care about you. They are sweet and generous. Why would you BETRAY THEM by saying that the earth is more than 6,000 years old? Why would you do such a thing? WHY?
9. Barack Obama believes in the Big Bang theory
Actually, he’s never said that publicly. But he just looks like the kind of person who does. You don’t want to agree with Barack Obama about anything. People might think you’re a socialist. Or a demon. Or pervert. Or a socialist demon-pervert.
10. If the Big Bang theory is right, THE OTHER SIDE WINS
Did you not get the memo? It’s us against them. You HAVE to believe that the universe is 6,000 years old. You have to, because that’s what our side believes. If you believe something different, it’s like you are rooting for the other team to win. And they are bad people. They believe in murdering fetuses and sodomizing each other. You don’t want people like THAT to win, do you? DO YOU?????
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