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God’s Law: 13 laws to make America a REAL Christian Nation

Is America a Christian nation? Of course! Former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay teaches us that the word of God has “manifested in what is called the Constitution of the United States. God created this nation and God created the Constitution; it is written on biblical principles.” DeLay gets it: he’s the real deal, a full fledge bible-believing-Jesus-loving-God-fearing Republican.

It’s about time the rest of us conservatives join Delay’s mission. We must stop just calling America “God’s country” and begin to truly act it out! God has given us a beautiful vision of American Theocracy.  The Biblical narrative is rich in poetic legal codes that we too can use as we develop, under the complete and total reign of God, a true Conservative American Theocracy!

Here’s a short list of God’s legislative plan on purifying the filthy liberals in our great nation through American Theocracy:

Gods Law: free baby birds for everyone!God’s Law #1: Imprison anyone and everyone who eats cats. They are the animals of God’s fiercest desire, they’ve been specifically created for BuzzFeed articles and Instagram pictures. A grumpy cat makes for a grumpy God. (Leviticus 11:27)

God’s Law #2: Pet Shops MUST give away baby birds to anyone who asks. End of story.  (Deuteronomy 22:6-7)

God’s Law #3: Ruthlessly slaughter anyone with a different religion… except Mormons, thanks to Mitt Romney even God can be paid off. (Deuteronomy 17:2-7)

God's Law: go live in a treeGod’s Law #4: Once a year every American MUST live in a tree.  (Leviticus 23:39-43)

God’s Law #5: Imprison anyone with an un-cut penis. Ain’t nobody got time for all that extra skin! (Genesis 17:11)

God’s Law #6: Every college football fan and player must “Tebow” after every play, after all Saturday football is on the Sabbath. God specifically commanded against any work on the Sabbath, but when you look as good as Tim Tebow, even God makes exceptions. (Leviticus 23:3)

God's Law: touch a furry puppy and go to prison for lifeGod’s Law #7: If you even toucheth a furry puppy, you get imprisoned for life. Filthy sinner. (Leviticus 5:2)

God’s Law #8: If your puppy tries to hump your leg, you must kill it. (Leviticus 20:15-16)

God’s Law #9: Ugly people shall be punished by law! With enough Botox, God’s vision is to create The Real House Wives of America Theocracy. (Leviticus 21:17-18)

God’s Law #10: Mandatory 5 days in prison for any of those teenage-mutants with torn up clothes and ripped jeans. Fashion is meant to be holy, not a holey mess. (Leviticus 10:6)

Gods Law: thou shalt hate flowersGod’s Law #11: Thou shalt hate flowers! Clean your hands and brush off those knees ladies, getting down and dirty wasn’t meant for the garden but the bedroom. (Leviticus 19:19)

God’s Law #12: Crucify any Mother that goes to church within 33 days of giving birth to a boy, and 66 days after giving birth to a girl. Girls are far more of a hassle to raise than men, so God requires women to stay at home and do their duties. (Leviticus 4-5)

God’s Law #13: Burn anyone at the stake that doesn’t attend Christmas and Easter church services. And even if they do show up, imprison them if they don’t put money in the offering plate. (Exodus 23:14)

 
5 Comments  comments 

5 Responses

  1. Bill

    Ha ha whatever. Some of these are not even close. Leviticus 19:19 says not to plant different types of seeds together it has nothing to do with flowers. And Deuteronomy 22:6 is about not killing animals with babies!? WTF

    • I think the point is that most people stretch the interpretation of the Bible. Leviticus doesn’t have the word “gay” in it, and its a bit of a leap to go from “go forth and multiply” to “gay marriage is wrong”. None of these interpretations seem any weirder than stuff I see every say from the Religious Right.

  2. anon

    FREE BIRDS??? WTF???

    • Deuteronomy 22:6-7

      If you come across a bird’s nest beside the road, either in a tree or on the ground, and the mother is sitting on the young or on the eggs, do not take the mother with the young. You may take the young…”

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