Everybody knows that the Tea Party has structured their political platform on the teachings of Jesus Christ. Tea Party Jesus has a lot of political views. Unfortunately, after a little journalistic digging, we have uncovered some facts that may make a few members of the Religious Right a teeny, tiny bit uncomfortable….
FACT #1: The Tea Party knows that when Jesus said to care for the poor, what he really meant was put yourself first and assume that anyone who doesn’t copy you is probably a lazy welfare queen. Mitt Romney poetically said, “47 percent…who are dependent upon government, who believe that they are victims, who believe the government has a responsibility to care for them, who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you-name-it.”
But wait! That’s also what Satanists believe! In fact, the very first tenet of “Pentagonal Revisionism” , a simple outline of beliefs put forth by the Church of Satan, is that economic stratification is crucial: “There can be no more myth of “equality” for all—it only translates to “mediocrity” and supports the weak at the expense of the strong. Water must be allowed to seek its own level without interference from apologists for incompetence.”
FACT #2: The Tea Party knows that when Jesus said that he was God, he wanted us all to view ourselves as our own sovereign nations with no accountability to anyone! Ron Paul knew this to be true, “Individuals are responsible for their own actions. Government cannot and should not try and protect us from ourselves.”
But wait…. that’s also what Satanists believe! In fact, the most well-known belief that underlies all forms of Satanism is that it is focused on glorification and satisfaction of the individual choices and freedom. It advocates the “libertarian” notion that people should be able to do whatever they want to do as long as it doesn’t interfere with others.
FACT #3: The Tea Party knows that when Jesus gave us instructions to live moral lives, what he was really doing was laying the foundation for the later moral prophet Ayn Rand, who herself revealed, “Yes. I am the creator of a new code of morality.” And we can trust Rand because we can trust Paul Ryan: “If I had to credit one thinker, one person, it would be Ayn Rand. And the fight we are in here, make no mistake about it, is a fight of individualism versus collectivism.”
Surprisingly, that’s also what Satanists believe! “Objectivism, the philosophy of Ayn Rand, is an acknowledged source for some of the Satanic philosophy as outlined in The Satanic Bible by Anton LaVey… Satanism has far more in common with Objectivism than with any other religion or philosophy. Objectivists endorse reason, selfishness, greed and atheism” (quotation from ChurchofSatan.com).
FACT #4: The Tea Party knows that when Jesus said, “blessed are the meek,” he was telling us that the meek are blessed because they understand that they deserve nothing. As Rush Limbaugh points out, “the people that don’t do well have only themselves to blame.”
The domination of the weak by the strong, is central to… you guessed it! Satanism! In fact, here we have a direct quote from The Book of Satan, part V, in The Satanic Bible: ” Blessed are the strong, for they shall possess the earth – Cursed are the weak, for they shall inherit the yoke! Blessed are the powerful, for they shall be reverenced among men – Cursed are the feeble, for they shall be blotted out! Blessed are the bold, for they shall be masters of the world – Cursed are the righteously humble, for they shall be trodden under cloven hoofs!”
FACT #5: The Tea Party knows that when Jesus said he came for the sick, he wasn’t asking for Big Government to run the show, but for individual patients to take care of their own problems! As Ayn Rand taught us and as we true Tea Partiers know, “health care is not a human right.”
And you guessed it, that’s also what Satanists believe!
So where does that leave us? What can it all mean? There really is only one possible interpretation….
Paul Ryan is a Satanist. Sarah Palin is a Satanist. Rand Paul is a Satanist. Ted Cruz is a Satanist.
Arizonans who want to be able to legally discriminate are Satanists.
And yes…Tea Party Jesus Himself, the Lord of all things Conservative…. was also a Satanist!