When I heard that Ellen Page delivered an amazing speech that took YouTube by storm, I was really excited. I mean, sure, she is Canadian, but that is okay. After all, she was the girl who as a teenager became pregnant out of wedlock and decided not to have an abortion, so she must be a God-fearing patriot.
People tell me that “Juno” is not a documentary, but it has to be. I mean, there’s simply no way anybody could write dialogue that realistic.
But then I actually watched the speech!! I had been ambushed. Ellen Page was about to reveal herself as a proudly gay woman!
Naturally, my first thought was: “How is this going to affect me???”
I do not need to tell you about the dangers of homosexuality. Everybody knows that the acceptance of homosexuality in a society leads to rampant bestiality and NBC viewership.
But if you need even more proof, I received an email yesterday from Sterling Dalton of Arlington, TX, who wrote me with a harrowing story which he gave me permission to publish.
Hi Zach,First, I would just like to say that you are an inspiration to REAL conservatives all over the country. Your ability to cut through the facts and expose the pervasiveness of the liberal agenda is commendable. You made me realize that liberal atheist muslims are everywhere, and I am eternally grateful.
I regret that I must write you with hate in my heart. Not healthy hate, like hate for people who think it is okay to press 1 for English. But hate toward my wife, who just one week ago I shared my 24th wedding anniversary with. Our marriage was perfect. We have three boys together and they are very straight.
At least, all of that was true….. until Ellen Page came out of the closet!
As soon as I heard the news, the walls began to bend. There was a ringing in my ears. Everything got kind of fuzzy. I don’t know what happened next. I woke up in a ditch off Interstate 30. I hitchhiked back into town to find that my house had burned down and my wife was staying at her mother’s house. Nobody would tell me where the kids were, and the police said I was not allowed to know.
It was just like Pat Robertson said, I’m sure. The feminist agenda made Ellen Page convince my wife to leave me, kill my children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become a lesbian.
I just makes me so sad, Zach. I have never met Ellen Page, so why did she so maliciously use her sexuality to ruin my marriage? Please help me, Zach. You’re America’s only hope to fight against the way that what happens in private bedrooms is ruining the lives of Christians everywhere.