If you are a true American conservative, then you are a fanatic. That is not an insult! It is a compliment. You should wear it with pride. The word “fanatic” uses the same root as the word “fan”. Aren’t you a fan of Jesus? Aren’t you a fan of free market economics? Of course you are! As conservatives, we know what we know, and we believe what we believe. That makes us proud fanatics.
Unfortunately, I see too many conservatives balking and getting tongue-tied on social media, unable to argue effectively with “liberals” (which is really just a synonym or “atheists” or “disgusting perverts”). The purpose of this report is to arm you, as the second amendment requires, with the skills to effectively debate liberals with the gusto that a true conservative fanatic deserves.
1. “You’re just a hater.”
No matter what the topic, this is an effective and intelligent debate tool that any religious or political conservative can use. Whether your opponent is trying to convince you the believe in evolution or minimum wage, you know that the only reason they could possibly disagree with you is because he is a deeply troubled, angry human being who hates you personally, not just your ideas. Point this out to him. Here is an example:
Them: “Recent biological experiments have actually demonstrated in the laboratory that one species of organism can evolve into another.”
You: “Haters gonna hate!”
See how simple it is? Guaranteed to stop an angry liberal in his tracks!
2. “Oh yeah? Well, look what it says about you!”
This line is best delivered in a calm, collected, even intellectual tone. (You may need to practice this in the mirror a few times to get it right.) The more calmly you state it, the more it will infuriate your opponent. For example:
Them: “How can you possibly believe that the earth is literally only 6,000 years old, when we have actual historical records of human civilizations going back tens of thousands of years!”
You: “You seem like you’re taking this very personally. Maybe you should look in the mirror, and ask: what does it say about you that you get so angry when someone states the simple fact that the earth is only 6,000 years old?”
3. “Your motivations are suspect.”
Another great technique for effective philosophical debate is to question the other person’s motives. It actually doesn’t matter if you know the other person at all. In fact, it doesn’t even really matter whether your accusation is correct. Just go with your gut, throw out some kind of wild speculation, and it will definitely throw him off his guard. For example:
Them: “Historical data gives no support to the idea that cutting taxes is the best economic solution to unemployment. In fact, although Reagan’s tax cuts did correlate with an increase in jobs, Clinton’s tax increases lead to an even larger job increases.”
You: “I think what’s really going on here is that you’re jealous of me, and intimidated by my success, and you’re just arguing with me because you want to try to put me in my place.”
A total winner as a debate strategy!
4. “Too many words!”
You may have noticed that many liberals just go on and on. It’s almost as if they are trying to spell out clearly and carefully a logical argument that steps through, point by point, to a conclusion. But you know that in reality they are just trying to BULLY YOU WITH WORDS. Don’t stand for it. Point it out. And make sure to use the word “bully”: it’s a liberal buzzword and will make them go all red in the face. Like this:
Them: “The reason that the top 5% of income earners pay more than half of the total tax revenue is that the income distribution in this country is so skewed. This statistic is thrown out there because it makes an emotional appeal and makes it seem like there is an unfair tax burden on the rich, but the fact is that even if we had a completely flat tax rate, if the average income of the top 1% is more than 700 times the average income of the bottom 50%, then the top 1% will still pay almost all of the total tax revenue. It’s basic mathematics, and doesn’t reflect the unfairness of the tax rate system, but rather the inequality in the income distribution.”
You: “I feel like you’re trying to bully me by writing such a long comment!”
What can they say after that? You’ve basically won the argument.
5. “Gosh, you’re so intolerant!”
Finally, there is one thing that you, as a proud conservative, must always remember: If other people don’t completely and unquestioningly bow down to every single one of your opinions, then they are being intolerant of your beliefs. Plus, you can get a kind of smirky satisfaction by finally calling someone else intolerant, since you have to constantly put up with people calling you a bigot day in and day out. (I’m sure people constantly call you a bigot. It happens to all conservatives. Nobody understands why.)
Them: “Gay people should be allowed to marry each other if they want to.”
You: “Why are you trying to oppress me and wipe out Christianity? You are being so intolerant!”
So keep these tips in mind! No longer will you be unwittingly forced into complicated sciencey arguments about “evidence” or “logic”, which really just means you’re dancing in the Devil’s playground. Now, you can argue like a real conservative.