Pardon my language, but darn Valentine’s Day. Darn it to h*ck.
The last time I went on a Valentine’s Day date was three years ago. A woman urged me to go see a screening of Justin Bieber: Never Say Never in 3D. While it was nice to see such a earnest documentary about a God-loving, abortion-hating kid who has kept a good head on his shoulders in the face of fame, I did not appreciate all the teenage sinners touching their hands together like we were in one of those pornograph theaters.
Needless to say I have not “celebrated” another Valentine’s Day since. In the days after that night, traumatized by what had happened to me, I thought about how Valentine’s Day came to exist in the first place. It isn’t a national holiday, so why do we let it dictate how we behave?
Then I remembered what else tries to dictate how we behave…THE LIBERAL AGENDA!
I have compiled a list of eight reasons why you should lock your doors and do nothing this and every February 14… unless you don’t want to take this country back from Barack Hussein Obama!!
#1. Valentine’s Day encourages people in relationships to have SEX
This would be okay… if it were the kind of sex that God would approve of. Valentine’s Day encourages lovers to have sex for fun rather than procreation… and even try out new positions, like standing up or making a pretzel shape with the man’s penis!
This helps Obama because he is giving women free access to birth control. If women have the ability to prevent themselves from getting pregnant and there is a holiday that encourages them to seize that opportunity, that will mean Obama’s policy will be successful! Obviously, that cannot be allowed to happen.
#2. Valentine’s Day turns single people into sinners
Since all their friends and family members in relationships doing yucky things to each other, single people have the tendency to become extremely jealous on Valentine’s Day. They are thus encouraged to seek out sinful pleasure elsewhere, in the form of pornography. In order to make the most out of pornography, these people may feel compelled to masturbate. Science has proven that masturbation causes blindness and atheism, and everybody knows that being blind and being an atheist are the two most un-American things you can be.
#3. Valentine’s Day makes people become more like the government
If you have ever tried to buy flowers in the month of February, you know that Valentine’s Day is a very, very, VERY expensive time of the year. In order to prove to one another that their relationship is fine and they are not at all overcompensating, people in relationships feel obligated to spend exorbitant amounts of money on gifts. With jewelry priced in the thousands of dollars, Valentine’s Day certainly sends many into crippling, catastrophic debt. WHAT DOES THAT SOUND LIKE?
#4. Valentine’s Day is good for the economy
You might be wondering, “Hey…what’s wrong with that?” If people are spending lots of money at retail for Valentine’s Day, it allows businesses to thrive. They can hire more workers, pay their employees better, give them benefits, etc.
Notice that last part? If the economy thrives, partly due to Valentine’s Day spending, more people will be able to have affordable health insurance. It will allow Obamacare to be a successful government program. Even if it’s good for the economy, it’s bad for America. After all, 100% of those enrolled in Obamacare WILL die.
#5. Valentine’s Day is an elaborate scheme to send foreign aid to Luxembourg
Diamonds are a girl’s best friend, somebody at a marketing firm once said. As a result, diamonds are incredibly popular on Valentine’s Day. Where do all these diamonds come from? The vast majority of the world’s diamonds sold come from DeBeers, a company based in the country of Luxembourg.
Never heard of Luxembourg? Neither have I, but it sounds weird so it is probably in the Middle East. That means we are giving money to the people who want to attack us! Valentine’s Day is a conduit for terrorism.
#6. Valentine’s Day makes Michelle Obama grow stronger
For the (slightly) more budget-conscious Valentine’s Day victim, chocolate is a standard gift. It is delicious and indulgent…only it makes you fat. First Lady Michelle Obama harnesses the power of America’s obese and feeds off that energy. How do I know this? Why else would she tell kids to eat healthy and exercise? Americans hate being told what to do; they are just going to get fatter as a result to throw it back in her face! Do not give Michelle Obama more power.
#7. Valentine’s Day causes you to long for the color blue
During Valentine’s season, it’s nothing but the color red. Red boxes, red bows, red everything! Personally, I love the color red. It is the color of conservatism in America and the color of personal liberty as long as you are a heteronormative white male.
But even a great American patriot like myself gets sick of the color red this time of the year. I catch myself wanting to look at the color blue instead just for a change of pace…which is exactly what the Democrats want. It’s called subliminal messaging. You want BLUE in your life so you will vote for Democrats!
#8. Valentine’s Day undermines the patriarchy
Remember the good old days when women made dinner for their husbands and only slept in their bed when they wanted to make a baby? Valentine’s Day completely undoes this, the American dream, by making it mandatory for men to do nice things for women. What’s next? We’re going to be “ready for Hillary” all of a sudden and have a female President? We are going to stop blaming women who are victims of sexual abuse? What an awful world that would be!