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EXCLUSIVE: Leaked Excerpt From Chris Christie’s “If I Did It”

You would have to be living under a rock to not have heard about New Jersey governor Chris Christie’s recent controversy. It really should not be a controversy at all; the liberal media has just found a way to hate Gov. Christie for the exact reason we true American patriots love him so much.

Since when is it bad to use your power to get your way… even if that means closing down part of the busiest bridge in the country for no reason other than to create problems for a Democratic mayor that refused to endorse you? Sure, it creates economic damage and even put lives in danger, but so what?

Besides…he says he wasn’t even responsible for any of it. But…

 

Based on a tip by Twitter user @OhNoSheTwitnt, we did some digging and found that Chris Christie has actually written a book regarding the scandal where he claims he did not actually make the orders that resulted in members of his inner circle wantonly obstructing traffic in an act of pettiness, but does detail how he would have done it if he did. Here is an excerpt you won’t find anywhere but LiberalBias.com:

I creeked open the door and gracefully entered the room, the blueprints of the George Washington Bridge illuminated by the flourescent lights overhead. At least, I’d assume that the blueprints would be illuminated by the flourescent lights. Having never held blueprints of the George Washington bridge, and certainly not with the intention of closing it for no reason, obviously I wouldn’t know.

The air smelled of salty garbage, a scent I remembered from the last time I was in Fort Lee. Picturing the mayor standing on stage with my opponent, I really wanted their political careers in my hands. Or at least I would if I was really bitter at him. Which I’m not.

The first lane I closed was powered by my awful rage, my mind clouded over and my employees placed signs on the road, feeling nothing but the power of my own hate and the intensity of the traffic cones.

Or, er, I’d imagine that’d be what I’d probably feel. Couldn’t say for sure. Never tried it. Now, if you asked me about combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell, I could tell you about that. I like combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell. Like the Cheesy Gordita Crunch with cheesy bread. But not closing heavily trafficked bridges. Never got around to closing heavily trafficked bridges. You see, this book is all hypothetical, which is when you pretend you didn’t do something, not that I need to pretend, because I didn’t do it. My staff did it independently of me.

Or did they?

Nope. No, I’d remember that. This is definitely all pretend.

Anyway, cars were piled up for blocks instantly when the cones came down; I heard cars honk, a piercing sound eventually drowned out by that of sirens from ambulances that could not move through the gridlock. I felt a tinge of remorse; or, anyways, I would have, had I been an unprincipled bully who only cares about his own self-aggrandizement, which of course I am not. Why would I do that? I wouldn’t. You’re silly to think that I did. I mean, would.

The book has no release date but it absolutely exists. I promise.

"If I Did It" by Chris Christie

 
1 Comment  comments 

One Response

  1. Brendan

    I don’t like you Zach.

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