HO, HO, HO!
It’s that time of year again. A time to gather the children around the fire, and tell them the stories and tales of old.
Stories and tales that you hope will instill in them a sense of joy, and righteousness, and conservative goodness.
Of course, the contemporary story of “Santa Claus” has become twisted and perverted, and no longer really imparts a… well, a conservative enough message for today’s American conservatives.
So we here at LiberalBias.com feel that it is necessary to give you a conservative alternative to the standard liberally-biased Christmas Story.
Boys and girls, family members young and old. Let me tell you a story. This story begins far, far away, up at the North Pole! It’s very cold at the North Pole, and always will be, because weather is controlled by God, not fossil fuels.
Our story begins at the North Pole because that is where a great man lives, and that man is named Santa Reagan Claus. He has a wife, because he is heterosexual, and a whole collection of under-aged elves who work in his factory. You see, Santa loves the elves, and understands that the best way to help them is to employ them for minimum wage so that his wealth can “trickle down” to them. Without him, those elves would probably be unemployed and starving in the frozen tundra. Isn’t Santa wonderful? He even pays them with candy canes.. and who doesn’t love candy canes?
Because the North Pole isn’t burdened by socialist regulations and taxes, Santa is able to churn out millions of really cheap toys. He also contributes to the local economy by purchasing whale blubber for heat and lighting in his factory. You see, Santa prefers to remain “off the grid”, just in case Obama’s secret black ops army finally successfully engineers the radical communist take-over of the world government. This is also why Santa has stockpiles of guns and ammunition… just like your mommy and daddy should.
So anyway, because Santa is the CEO of a successful North Pole Factory, he is obviously a very hard worker. Some liberal malcontents like to perpetuate the myth that Santa only works one day a year, in order to paint him as some kind of evil entitled “One-Percenter”.
But the fact is, Santa is constantly going over very complicated paperwork and reports, trying to figure out how to cut costs. He is a big fan of Connie Mack’s “Penny Plan” and has been cutting his expenses by 1% every year since 1803, which is why he now employs under-aged elves and pays them with candy canes.
So anyway, on Christmas Eve, Santa gathers together his distribution department,which consists primarily of handicapped people. In some folk stories these “assistants” are described as monsters, but that just shows you how racist liberals are.
Santa employs them because Santa does not discriminate: he employs people based only on their ability to perform the job required. In this case, the job that is required is scaring the ever-living crap out of children who have been naughty.
Notice in the photo, that Santa REAGAN Claus also wears a cross on his hat, because unlike the Liberal version of Santa Claus, he knows that Christmas is all about Jesus and scaring children.
So anyway, Santa Reagan Claus then goes out into the night on a beautiful mission to spread free-market values! This is the real message of Christmas, after all: If a child has worked hard enough, followed every single demand and rule placed upon him by his parents, while of course never being paid for anything throughout the entire year, then he will be rewarded in the form of a small toy, or possibly a snack, that serves as a “bonus”. This will prepare him for what it is like to be employed by a multi-million dollar multi-national corporation later in life.
On the other hand, if the child has NOT worked hard enough, then Santa’s mutant monster-looking assistants put the child in a burlap sack and beat him until he learns the value of hard, honest work.
Santa knows that being overly permissive with children will just lead them to grow up to be spoiled liberals and homosexuals. The purpose of Christmas is to teach these children that in the real world, there are winners and losers…. and Santa Reagan Claus will help you to punish the losers.
I know some people will think this is a joke. But just take a moment to think about it: Isn’t this exactly the kind of Christmas that our good, conservative politicians and leaders would want?
Just think about it, and share it with your conservative friends: The story of Conservo-Claus!