Black Friday used to be like any other good Christian religious holiday: a safe, comfortable time when the godly could enjoy buying lots and lots of stuff. But no more! Black Friday has recently become a government conspiracy to wage war on Christmas!
Once millions of Americans finish stuffing their faces with festive [high-fructose] corn [syrup], [factory-farmed] turkey, and all the sweets one could imagine, they faithfully re-enact the marvelous thanks given by Captain Smith and Pocahontas as this fine country began to emerge in response to British imperialism.
Just like Jesus would have wished, from the time these folks undo their top jean button (for a little extra breathing room), they gear up for the midnight hour so they can go shopping! That is, after all, the way Jesus wants it.
But ever since “that one” Obama was elected, things have changed. Consider the evidence:
- Reddit user Dav Versus posted his story about working at a Best Buy on Friday. When around 1,500 people peacefully walked into his business at 6am, the checkout line quickly reached a tangled line stretching way back into the appliance department. Skillfully placed by the Obama administration a “turd of a good size” and “solid consistency” was dropped down in one of the dryers by a crazed-government-consumer. “A lady (no doubt a government operative)…opened the dryer, and shat right there in front of everyone,” Versus reported.
- The government didn’t stop with human feces, they began to use brute force: a man in Virginia was stabbed at Walmart during an argument over a parking spot around 6:30pm thanksgiving evening. Good Christian citizens attempting to park closer to their desired store are no longer safe, Obama has crazed-government-consumers ready and willing to stab anyone attempting to enjoy the Holy Black Friday.
- Santa himself was arrested outside of a Walmart in California as he peacefully greeted guests into the superstore. With a huge smile Santa was handing out candy and holding up joyful holiday sign that read, “people over profit.” Obama wasn’t ready for such radical Christmas cheer, so they cuffed good ole’ Saint Nick and locked him in their SWAT car. Beware: there is nothing that will stop this liberal tyrannical dictator from shaming all who celebrate Christmas.
- This nutty administration even started their own website where they report how many deaths their violent-government-consumer-operatives have caused! It’s coined, “Black Friday Death Count” and celebrates 7 deaths and 90 injuries. This is not only an attack on Christmas but is probably another attempt at swaying the American people to sign up for Obamacare or run in fear of their lives ending up on blackfridaydeathcount.com
How can we be sure that Obama was behind all of these events, you might ask? Well, isn’t it obvious?