According to Boxoffice.com, a website that claims to report accurate box office figures, The Christmas Candle only made $405,697 over the Thanksgiving holiday weekend and $1,631,471 during its theatrical run thus far.
How could such an error happen?
Everybody knows that Hollywood is a wretched cesspool of liberalism that usually only generates movies intended to promote poor values in our children. However, from time to time filmmakers wise up and make movies that defy the common Hollywood ideology. Films such as Fireproof, Soul Surfer, and Atlas Shrugged Part 1 have all been incredibly successful, suggesting that Americans crave wholesome entertainment even when know-nothing critics say these films are “a fiasco” and “lifeless”.
The Christmas Candle, produced by none other than Rick Santorum, is another one of these righteous conservative films. It was released on November 22, starring British (yuck) superstar Susan Boyle and the girl with the shockingly tiny waist from Les Miserables (pronounced “Less Mizz-ray-bulls”).
The Christmas Candle was the highest grossing movie over the Thanksgiving holiday, beating both The Hunger Games: Catching Fire and Disney’s new animated propaganda picture Frozen.
Or at least, that’s what the headlines should have said…
Perhaps they accidentally placed the weekend gross on the wrong line of the spreadsheet. Maybe they meant to swap it with the $74.5 million they claim The Hunger Games: Catching Fire made in its second weekend. Although somehow equally dubious websites like Box Office Mojo have very similar numbers. Very suspicious.
Clearly this is an example of big Hollywood trying to hide the truth from the people. Susan Boyle is far more beloved than Jennifer Lawrence, I mean…who even is that? And besides, why would people go see a movie called The Hunger Games over Thanksgiving?
The reported numbers are wrong. They have to be wrong; there is simply no way America would turn their back on a Christmas musical produced by Rick Santorum!
Think about it. I have over 49 friends on Facebook, and 31 of them clicked ‘like’ on The Christmas Candle’s page. Statistical extrapolation suggests that over 60% of real conservative American patriots like the film.
Since over 60 million people voted for Mitt Romney in 2012, that means roughly 38 million people have seen the film. If they each spent $8.12 on a movie ticket that means The Christmas Candle made over $308 million dollars this weekend!!
Explain that, Obama.