If you have been reading this column over the last several weeks, you know that I, as a proud patriot and right-wing warrior, am not as enamored with Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) as most real Americans are. While he seems to have become a conservative hero after being instrumental in the government shutdown, I have yet to be convinced that he is not a Democrat party sleeper cell bent on destroying the Republican party, therefore destroying America. After all, he is a Canadian.
With that in mind, I am the luckiest investigative journalist on God’s 6000 year old Earth. While eating at Chipotle, a distinctly American delicacy, I noticed something shocking about the man making my food. His nametag said: “Ted Cruz – Assistant Manager”!
My jaw dropped to the floor. In that moment, I realized I had unprecedented access to one of the hottest names in the conservative movement…and a man I want to expose for the socialist atheist Kenyan Muslim he really is!
When I asked him if I could interview him, Cruz looked perplexed. He said that his shift was up in 30 minutes and that I could wait at my table. I ate my meal and proceeded to refill my 44 ounce cup of Mr. Pibb twice thanks to my governor, Jan Brewer, not being a freedom hating nazi like Michael Bloomberg.
Finally, he came to my table and told me I could ask him anything. Before you read any further, I want you to know that Cruz was very forthcoming to me. In fact, his answers are so revealing, I could not believe my ears. I seriously deserve a Pulitzer or something. I have attached the complete, unedited interview below.
At this point, the shift leader at Chipotle forced me to leave the premises, realizing that I caught Ted Cruz in his web of lies!
The interview was brief and I did not get to ask him very much, but somehow I was able to make him tell the truth about who he really is. Ted Cruz is not a Republican at all. He loves Obamacare and even voted for Obama!
If you didn’t believe me before, I bet you feel really silly right now.