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Exclusive interview with Ted Cruz!

If you have been reading this column over the last several weeks, you know that I, as a proud patriot and right-wing warrior, am not as enamored with Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) as most real Americans are. While he seems to have become a conservative hero after being instrumental in the government shutdown, I have yet to be convinced that he is not a Democrat party sleeper cell bent on destroying the Republican party, therefore destroying America. After all, he is a Canadian.

With that in mind, I am the luckiest investigative journalist on God’s 6000 year old Earth. While eating at Chipotle, a distinctly American delicacy, I noticed something shocking about the man making my food. His nametag said: “Ted Cruz – Assistant Manager”!

Ted Cruz, unmasked!My jaw dropped to the floor. In that moment, I realized I had unprecedented access to one of the hottest names in the conservative movement…and a man I want to expose for the socialist atheist Kenyan Muslim he really is!

When I asked him if I could interview him, Cruz looked perplexed. He said that his shift was up in 30 minutes and that I could wait at my table. I ate my meal and proceeded to refill my 44 ounce cup of Mr. Pibb twice thanks to my governor, Jan Brewer, not being a freedom hating nazi like Michael Bloomberg.

Finally, he came to my table and told me I could ask him anything. Before you read any further, I want you to know that Cruz was very forthcoming to me. In fact, his answers are so revealing, I could not believe my ears. I seriously deserve a Pulitzer or something. I have attached the complete, unedited interview below.

LiberalBias: Thank you for agreeing to speak with me, Mr. Cruz.

Ted Cruz: No problem, but can we make this quick? Once Upon a Time in Wonderland is on in an hour.

LiberalBias: I’ll try to keep things brief. I just want to know what you think about some political issues.

Ted Cruz: Uh, sure. I don’t watch the news very often, but I read posts on Facebook and stuff.

LiberalBias: How do you feel about Obamacare?

Ted Cruz: I don’t know very much about it, you know? But I’m glad that I can finally buy health insurance for me and my son. I have asthma so I have never been able to have health insurance before, and I can finally take my eight-year-old to get check-ups.

LiberalBias: Aha! So you don’t hate Obamacare!

Ted Cruz: Well, no. I’m sure there must be something awful about it because a lot of my friends really hate it, but as far as I can tell it seems okay. I just wish the website would work so I could actually enroll, you know?

LiberalBias: But why would you ever want to enroll? It’s socialism!

Ted Cruz: Uh… for the reasons I just said? Hey, are you OK? You seem like you’re sweating a lot.

LiberalBias: Didn’t you spend 21 hours on the Senate floor ranting about how Obamacare is tyranny?

Ted Cruz: Uh… no? I never said that. I think I’m gonna go…

LiberalBias: No, wait! Let me just ask you a few more questions. Who did you vote for in the last election?

Ted Cruz: I voted for Obama. Mitt Romney probably would have been okay, but he seemed a bit out of touch with what hardworking people like me go through just to get by, you know?

LiberalBias: But you’re a Republican!

Ted Cruz: I’m… actually not. Hey…this is a little… awkward. I think I’m going to go now. Hope you got enough for your story. Sorry I can’t help you more.

LiberalBias: I knew you were a traitor! I knew you were trying to destroy America! Just wait until the internet hears about this! Everyone will know! Everyone will know the real you!

 

At this point, the shift leader at Chipotle forced me to leave the premises, realizing that I caught Ted Cruz in his web of lies!

The interview was brief and I did not get to ask him very much, but somehow I was able to make him tell the truth about who he really is. Ted Cruz is not a Republican at all. He loves Obamacare and even voted for Obama!

If you didn’t believe me before, I bet you feel really silly right now.

 
2 Comments  comments 

2 Responses

  1. Lisa

    I feel silly for having wasted the time it took to read this fluff.

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