I have never understood how liberals win elections.
Sure, every single media outlet (except this one) is part of the liberal agenda, but still. Supposedly, it is because minorities vote for Democrats. That does not make sense to me, because they are, by definition, in the minority.
It’s no wonder that patriotic states are enforcing new voter ID laws. Even if these laws prevent real people from voting, who cares? They’re voting for liberals and liberals are basically not Americans anyway.
However, after entire minutes of investigation, I have found that the truth behind how liberals win elections is literally unbelievable… and I can prove it!
On October 10th, the father of Newark Mayor Cory Booker passed away from Parkinson’s disease…or so that’s what they want you to think. Booker, who was running for New Jersey Senate, suspended all campaign events in order to grieve the loss. At the time, Booker held a steady lead in all the liberal polls, but was clearly losing to Republican opponent Steve Lonegan (if you unskewed the polls).
Six days later, Cory Booker won the special election by over 10 points. This was shocking to many, because not only did Lonegan have the support of popular New Jersey governor Chris Christie, but also senators Rand Paul and even liberal socialists like Ted Cruz. The only logical explanation is that there must be a connection between winning the election and his father’s death.
This is not the first time this sequence of events has occurred. On November 3, 2008, Barack Hussein Obama’s grandmother passed away in “Hawaii,” the fictional group of islands that Obama claims to be from and my parents claim to have gone on for their honeymoon.
The next day, Obama stunned the country by receiving more votes for President than Sarah Palin…I mean, John McCain. Literally nobody expected this, and yet it happened. I am not the first person to notice how fishy this is: beforeitsnews.com theorized that Obama poisoned his grandmother with mercury because he did not want people to find out she was a communist, which makes much more sense than the bland suggestion that she was 86 years old and had a myriad of health problems that come with old age.
These two data points conclusively and undeniably prove that Democrats have to kill family members in order to win elections!
How exactly does that work, you might ask?
If you are anything like my mother, you may think this helps liberals win elections by making voters sympathetic to the candidates right before the election, effectively winning the last few days of the news cycle. But if you are anything like my mother, you’re wrong!
I asked my secret source within the Democratic National Committee, whom I cannot reveal, and he told me that with money from Van Jones and ACORN, they employ a demonologist to communicate with Baphomet, an ancient goat-headed deity commonly associated with the Illuminati. It is common knowledge that 1. the Illuminati is totally a real thing and 2. It got a Muslim atheist from Kenya that even makes John McCain look like a conservative elected President.
Is it possible that these otherwise inexplicable deaths were actually blood sacrifices to the Demon Baphomet?
Could it be that Democrats, in their desperate and craven quest for power have employed unholy forces that allow them to win elections against all odds or rational sense?
Is there even a remote chance that any of this is true???
We report, you decide.
There is only one inconsistency that makes me question my own theory. Sacrificial offerings to a higher power are a big part of the Old Testament, the only part of the Bible we know to be 100% factually accurate. Since all liberals are Muslim atheists who believe in helping their fellow man instead of the teachings of Jesus, why would they subscribe to beliefs held in the Old Testament? How could they?
Perhaps liberals are learning the way of the good book. Maybe there’s hope for them after all.