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Halloween costume tips for the Good Christian Conservative

As usual, the incredibly irrational, spookishly socialist, and frighteningly foolish Halloween “holiday” has taken over the month of October! This silly mess of a holiday is a liberal attack on the Christian faith, not to mention a sales pitch for the socialist agenda as our dearly beloved children run around the streets of our suburban neighborhoods asking for candy-HAND-OUTS!

Many of you didn’t heed last year’s warning that Halloween has a Satanic liberal bias and will eat your children, so this year I’m going to offer a Biblical approach. Go ahead and dress up on October 31, but not because it’s “Halloween”. Instead, dress up because God says it’s fun to dress up!

“Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths.” (Genesis 3:7)

There is a 6,000 year old Christian tradition of wearing loincloths, and what better way to celebrate this random day of the year but by dressing up as the first human beings God created! There are few things more Christian than Adam, after all it was his sperm that populated the whole Earth!

(Speaking of sperm: be careful when choosing this costume, because there is a chance that if you are a guy and you dress up in nothing but a loincloth it might come across as really, really, really, really, really, really gay… which is clearly not how God intended it.)

 

Armor of God

“Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil.” (Ephesians 6:11-12)

Here’s an easy one, dress up with God’s armor! Grab yourself a shield with a cross on it, some sweet boots, and a big sword. Prepare yourself for battle; we all know there will be copious amounts of sorcery on the streets of your suburb this October 31st… you can be the warrior that defends Jesus by fighting off the occult!

“She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong.” (Proverbs 31:17)

Listen up ladies! Chug a few protein shakes, hit the gym a few days a week, and start prepping yourself to be the godly and muscular woman you were created to be! A great wholesome costume for the family, especially one your husband will enjoy.

“Put on righteousness as my clothing; justice was my robe and my turban.” (Job 29:14I)

Job had the great idea to put on righteousness and justice as his rob, and you can do the same! If I were you, I’d portray justice with a few Mitt Romney stickers and righteousness with a giant wedding ring, after all it’s traditional heterosexual monogamous families that matter this season!

End Times costume

“Buy gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see.” (Revelation 3:18)

What better way to celebrate the end of October than with the End Times? Pull off the bed sheets and wrap your naked self with the beauty of white silk! I’ve seen some killer eye paint used for salve before too – check out Pinterest for some tricks and tips, if you’ve never worked with salve before it can be kind of tricky.

Dressed in white sheets and eye paint, some uneducated heathens will probably think that you are just dressed up as a ghost or a ghoul… but you will know better: you are dressed in the End-Times Garb that God intended!

If you’re wanting that old fashion disciple look, you could go with Jesus’ fashion advice:

“But now if you have a purse, take it, and also a bag; and if you don’t have a sword, sell your cloak and buy one.” (Luke 22:36)

A costume that involves a purse, a bag, and a sword but no cloak might seem a little questionable… but don’t worry, Jesus said it was ok.

Amidst all these great ideas, the Word of God is also very clear on what not to do! So as you and your traditional family decide what to wear on October 31st don’t forget to abide by these Biblical commandments:

  1. NOTHING EXPENSIVE! “Likewise also that women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire” (1 Timothy 2:9).
  2. DO NOT WEAR DRAG! “A woman shall not wear a man’s garment, nor shall a man put on a woman’s cloak, for whoever does these things is an abomination to the Lord your God” (Deuteronomy 22:5).
  3. DO NOT GET GORY!  “You shall not make any cuts on your body for the dead or tattoo yourselves: I am the Lord” (Leviticus 19:28).
  4. DO NOT WEAR ANYTHING PRE-MADE! “Do not wear costumes woven of two kinds of material” (Leviticus 19:19). This covers almost any store-bought costumes.

Halloween is a dirty pagan mess of sorcery and witchcraft, but you can still celebrate it the Lord’s way. Just make sure to follow God’s rules about how to dress up… and then go kill some witches (Exodus 22:18)!

 
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