This year, for the Fourth of July, I decided to infiltrate a liberal Independence Day celebration to see what happens when you mix patriotism with LIBERAL BIAS.
It was obvious that it was a liberal party, even though supposedly it was to celebrate the birth of this great nation. People were swimming in the pool, but nobody was wearing American flag patterns on their swimsuits. They were grilling the most terrible lame tofu vegetarian stuff, instead of dead flesh, like real Americans eat. Plus, absolutely nobody was reading from the Constitution or the Declaration of Independence. It was a horrible experience.
So I decided to stir things up a little bit by grabbing a beer, and yelling, “America is the best country in the world! Today is about celebrating the fact that we’re the only country where there is real FREEDOM! YEE-HAW!”
Instead of the usual applauds, cheers, and offers of sex that usually come as a response to this kind of talk, I was met with curious looks, and one person said, “Well, actually… most Western European countries are pretty free these days…”
“I don’t believe that,” I said, defending the honor of my country. “Besides, even if it’s true now, America was the first country to have a government by the people! We invented elections!!”
At this point, most people realized that I was right and so turned away to go back to other things. However, I could tell that a couple of these liberals at this party were just itching for a fight. Some guy wearing a Hawaiian-looking shirt said: “Actually, elections have been around a really long time. I mean, didn’t they have elections in the Roman empire back in like 900 AD?”
“Yeah,” piped up some other scrawny-looking guy, probably educated in some kind of fancy university. “The nobles elected the emperor. Which really wasn’t that different from the early elections here in the United States, where only white male land-owners could vote.”
“Shut up! I don’t believe that,” I cleverly replied, “And besides, even if that’s true, those were still elected monarchs who could do anything at all to the people! The United States invented due process, and the idea that you can’t just lock people up for no reason!!! That’s why America is the BEST!!!”
Then some hippie-looking chick, probably one of those feminists, totally got in my face and was all, “Actually, that was the Magna Carta, in 1297. It said that nobody could be imprisoned or arrested or punished without being accused of a crime and being given a trial. In fact, the Founding Fathers of the United States specifically stole the Fifth Amendment from the Magna Carta.”
“I don’t believe that!!” I said, like any proud American would. “Besides, America invented other stuff! We have the free market!” I continued, “America invented capitalism!”
“Actually,” said some other whiny liberal in the crowd, “There have been cities in Europe going back as far as the thirteenth century that guaranteed that anyone living there was free to buy and sell whatever goods they chose. It was written into the town charters of many Medieval cities!”
“I don’t believe that,” I said, taking another swig of beer. “Besides, even if that’s true, they still didn’t have freedom of speech! America invented freedom of speech!”
“Actually, didn’t Sweden abolish censorship in 1766?” asked some foreign-looking guy drinking a Margarita.
“That’s right,” said a person standing next to him, “And Denmark and Norway in 1770.”
“Shut up! Shut up, shut up shut up! I don’t believe any of that!” I yelled, turning around to face the other direction, so those liberals who had just spoken would know that they were wrong.