I went undercover as a college Democrat to see first-hand what goes on in these liberal indoctrination camps, or “universities”. It was a traumatic experience that could have changed me forever.
Last September, the editor of LiberalBias.com contacted me about this assignment. My task was to pretend to be a liberal college student, so that I could pursue a dangerous information-gathering mission: understanding what really goes on in the mind of today’s young progressive.
It was a frightening assignment, but not insurmountable. I admit that at the beginning, I did not understand the mindset of the liberals, who seem to think a normal person would want to do sex things with a butt, which is almost as baffling as the idea that “economics” is some kind of “science” like the “theory” of “evolution” or “outer space”.
That said, I had faith in my ability to blend in; after all, God cursed me and my family by giving me the ability to tan, a trait not shared by His white middle-eastern son.
My first step was to infiltrate the Young Democrats, a corrupt syndicate of students known for rabble-rousing in the local community, spreading the lies they learn at the state-funded re-education camp they call a school. When I went to their first meeting on the first Friday of October, there were mere weeks left in the 2012 campaign.
The school, which will not be named lest Dictator Obama use it as an excuse to strike me down like Janet Reno did to God’s heroes in Waco, is located in Arizona’s most competitive legislative district on both a local and national level. Even the state and county-wide races were close. Jeff Flake vs. Richard Carmona for Senate and Joe Arpaio (♥) vs. Paul Penzone for Maricopa County Sheriff, were especially tight, although the state came to its senses and shut down Obama’s army of pinko-commie fascists.
But anyway, I digress.
Every Friday the meetings would start the same way. These hoodlums would gather in a science building on the south side of campus. Names of famous liberals, such as Charles Darwin, Galileo Galilei, and Bill Nye the Science Guy, were carved into the building, making it the perfect place for enemies of freedom to congregate.
The President of the club, who from now on I will refer to as Dora the Explorer (she’s one of those Mexicans), would stand in front of the room and conduct the meeting like an informal hippie courtroom. Every member of the club would introduce themselves, stating their name and major, as well as an answer to a silly question, typically stolen straight from the pit of Hell, commonly referred to as Reddit.
After everybody shared laughs about which Fox News host they’d want most to see do a belly-flop, members of the club would make outside announcements about various political action/terrorist organizations they were shilling for. Planned Parenthood, GLSEN, Human Rights Campaign, Urban Outfitters, some really nasty work.
Dora would then make announcements of her own, either about activities that sounded like they were pulled from a church bulletin (by that, I mean they were AWESOME!!!!!!) or about canvassing and phone banking events that all members would be guilt-tripped into participating in at least twice that month.
For those who are not aware, canvassing and phone banking are methods of getting the word out to voters about candidates and where to vote. Canvassing is the act of knocking door to door with flyers, talking to registered voters whose names and addresses are provided on lists. Phone banking is the same concept, but applied to landline telephones. I had no idea what most of the liberals around me were talking about when they said that “people don’t use landlines anymore.” That’s ridiculous. What else would they use? Walkie talkies?
I went to every volunteer event, making sure I was as annoying as I could be to these lousy liberal voters. This was not easy; the more insincere and off-putting I was, the more they were willing to engage with me. I didn’t understand.
Other than President Dora and myself, there was only one other person who participated in every canvass and phone banking session. His nickname, and I’m not kidding, was Boots. I was hanging out with Dora and Boots.
Despite my absolute loathing of these two, I couldn’t help but feel like I was living somebody else’s dream. Of course, in my teen years I preferred the far less ethnic Playhouse Disney to Nick Jr., but I understood the appeal of Dora the Explorer, and I never quite understood why. Now, I finally figured it out. Boots was a conservative! He was secretly the President of the school’s Libertarian club, gathering information to use against the Democrats. I became his Karl Rove and he became my Lee Atwater. It was magical. I’ll never forget my first ti…
Whoops, I went off track again. Probably has something to do with those “juice boxes” that some freshman served me during a game of ping pong ball.
Anyway, the main event at Young Democrats meetings would be when members would air out their grievances with Republicans, naming conservatives that did “bad” things this week.
Common mentions included Sarah Palin, Mitt Romney, Rand Paul, and other defenders of freedom who have never done anything wrong and are beloved by everybody who uses the brain in their heart. After being catty, they would point their thumbs at the projector in the room and scream “Boo!”
Despite all that, I found that these college students were, dare I say, not too different from myself. I was even surprised to find that most of them were God-fearing Christians like myself, and were actively involved in their Church.
Some of them were even pro-life, which did not make sense to me. If they were liberals who didn’t want to kill baby Jesus, then what made them liberals at all?
I began to be very confused. When I began this journey, I didn’t understand why liberals thought the way they do. After two months of role-playing as a Young Democrat, I realized that I don’t even know what liberals think!
Are they liberal because they are ethnic? Are they liberal because they care about poor people? Are they liberal because they love sodomy? There seemed to be no one right answer. It’s almost as if liberals are not a homogenized group!
This, I must say, was the most frightening discovery of all–and it also could have been the seed of my undoing. I began to believe that liberals are all complex, unique individuals with a wide variety of beliefs and desires.
Well, luckily I was elected President of the club in December, and was able to dismantle it entirely by January. We can’t have dangerous stuff like that floating around.
Liberalism is dead. I win. America wins.