The highlight of CPAC 2013 was the parable, told by Mike Lee, that amazingly captured the essence of conservative principles in one short auto-biographical story.
We stopped at a fast food restaurant for lunch, and because my wife, Sharon, was with me, I thought it would look good if I chose to go to the salad bar instead of buying a hamburger.1 I went down the salad bar, getting bits of healthy greens and dreadfully nutritious-looking vegetables. I was quite uninspired at my prospects for my appetizing lunch that day,2 when to my great surprise and delight, at the end of the salad bar, I found chocolate pudding.3
I immediately scooped a huge blob of it onto my plate, trying to hide it by fluffing around greens and other tasteless things so that it couldn’t be seen.4 Suddenly, I was feeling very, very good about my lunch, looking very healthy but still getting dessert—and a lot of it. As I sat down, I mentally complimented myself for the ingeniousness of what I was about to pull off.5”
Then he just stopped talking.
Or at least, he might as well have, because in those two short paragraphs he has summed up everything important about Conservative Philosophy:
1) The most important consideration in any decision is whether it makes you look good. Whether it is actually a decision that is good for you should rarely, if ever, enter into the equation.
2) It’s important to resent being forced to do things that might actually be good for you. Plus: being healthy is liberal bullshit. Plus: making your wife out to seem controlling is one of the most hilarious forms of humor that conservatives all love.
3) You should always get most excited about food (and policies) that make you feel really good but that actually do nothing what-so-ever to help you.
4) When you are acting on secret desires that you privately feel are naughty, make sure to suppress it and lie about it to those whom you love
5) Acting against your own self-interest and getting away with it is something to be really, really proud of.
Now I ask you…. what could be more conservative than that?