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Mitt Romney HAS to win, because: Escalades, martial law, sex toys, Lena Dunham.

This is what an Obama Second Term looks like.

If you have been looking at the polls, and correcting for their liberal bias, you know that Mitt Romney is going to win the election in a landslide not seen since the late George McGovern had his clock cleaned by the honorable Richard Nixon in 1972. Moreover, Mitt Romney better win, because the world will be an unimaginable horror if he does not.

Some of you may be skeptical because statisticians like Milhouse Van Houten of The New York Times’ FiveThirtyEight blog, who miraculously predicted the 2008 election to a tee, are boldly stating that Obama is the favorite. The lamestream media is being more realistic, shockingly, by telling its sheepish followers that the race is a dead heat. But consider this: why would God send Hurricane Sandy exclusively to blue states, if not as a symbol of the storm that is coming to tear apart the leftist agenda?

Barack Hussein Obama can only win this election one way: if straight white men and their allies become too confident and decide not to show up to the polls on Tuesday, knowing that Romney’s huge advantages in Michigan, Minnesota, California, and Vermont will be enough to win. It is paramount that we vote as many times as we can on November 6th, or the consequences will be dire. Barack Hussein claims that his second term agenda includes goals such as cutting the deficit and energy reform… but we know better. He will irreparably destroy the American way of life. How do I know? The same way everybody knows that Jesus was white and sodomy is yucky: it’s just common sense.

Imagine a second term of an Obama presidency. On day one, he will tank the economy, knowing full well that he can continue to blame President Bush for all the things that are his own fault. How will he do it? By raising taxes on “the wealthiest Americans,” otherwise known as straight white men, from 36% to 39%! Obama says that by doing this he can cut taxes for everybody else, which is flagrantly dishonest since all the people who are voting for him don’t pay taxes already. So where do you think that extra money is going to go? While those of us who earned our estates will have no choice but to starve, the leftists will be given as many Escalades as their hearts desire! Which, by the way, Obama can do because he bought the factory for himself with your taxpayer money.

That is only the tip of the iceberg. President Hussein will indulge the pornographers who support him while punishing those who subscribe to a higher set of morals. Viewing pornography is a sin, but pornography viewership per capita is highest in conservative states, mainly due to lesbian porn not being gay, and therefore acceptable in the eyes of the Lord.

As a result, the number of illegitimate rapes will skyrocket, and since Obama will appoint fellow socialists to the Supreme Court, all these harlots can savagely murder our kids. Martial law will also be declared, in order to ensure that all men charged of illegitimate rape are punished just for trying to obtain what belongs to them.

We will also learn that Barack Hussein Obama is a devout homosexual, which should not surprise anybody, because let’s face it…have you SEEN Michelle Obama’s arms?

The NRA is well aware of this, which is why they too are endorsing Mitt Romney for President, despite Obama’s empty gesture of weakening gun control laws during his first term. We are at risk of all our guns being stripped down and made into sex toys, because our God-given appendages are simply not big enough for these insatiable scoundrels.

The leftists have another motive for doing this as well: without weapons, we cannot fight back as they impose their Muslim agenda upon us. Muslims do not believe in God and they are atheists, meaning they worship the devil. This is what we are up against. Devil worshippers.

You may be wondering, “Hey Zach, Obama may be an awful leader, but the world is largely the same as it was before he took office. Why would he do all these things now?” First, you’re wrong. Second, Lena Dunham.

You know who Lena Dunham is, but you’re probably not sure why. She made an okay movie a few years ago. Nothing really happens in it, except she has sexual intercourse in a tunnel. That’s it. That’s seriously the only reason you know who she is. But in the grand scheme of Obama’s master plan, she plays a pivotal role. She is not unlike Damian Lewis’ character in the hit Showtime series Homeland, charming the pants off America while being a sleeper cell for the enemy. If there is anything you get from this article, it should be that Barack Obama is an enemy of white culture, and Dunham is betraying us by masquerading as the epitome of white culture. She is adorable, sexually promiscuous, and ferociously quirky; essentially, she is Honey Boo Boo with the false guise of being high-brow. White America unquestionably trusts her, even if she threatens everything we stand for.

We can have Girls, or we can have more Arrested Development. We cannot have both.

Dunham’s rise to being the arbiter of popular culture is just as convoluted as Obama’s rise to the presidency. Obama, born in Kenya, had the details of his false American birth immediately falsified by his alleged mother, Ann Dunham, who was grooming her son from the beginning to infiltrate the United States government in a vast conspiracy.

Ann Dunham… Lena Dunham. Coincidence? I think not!

Also consider that the younger Dunham went to college in Ohio, and is now using her Draconian influence in the state with an ad supporting Obama, which he desperately needs to be re-elected. I think it’s obvious what’s going on here.

In conclusion: Mitt Romney has to win. Escalades, martial law, sex toys, Lena Dunham. Think of all the weird boobs we will have to look at if he doesn’t.

 
2 Comments  comments 

2 Responses

  1. The Troll

    Lena Dunham went colleage?

  2. Velska

    Zach, you is killing me! LOL!

    This one:

    …since the late George McGovern had his clock cleaned by the honorable Richard Nixon in …

    the dirtiest campaign in post-war history.

    Anyway, I love it that you touch almost every sacred stone here. It’s pretty damn funny. I’ve been LMAO so that my wife told me to be quieter so she can sleep. I should go to sleep, too.

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