Republicans reassert “penis power” for 2015-16 Congress

Penis Power: 9 Republican Dicks

Republicans on Wednesday outlined a new “path to the future” by announcing that nine white men would be named to coveted leadership positions when the new Congress begins in January.

Speaker John Boehner denied that there had been any kind of “ litmus test” in the selection process, mansplaining that his party no longer used litmus tests as they were “way too sciencey sounding.”

“Each of these fellas has the testicular fortitude we need to lead our nation forward,” proclaimed Boehner, heaping specific praise on Paul Ryan as “someone with the balls to tell any woman exactly what the government and/or her employer expects of her in terms of managing her ladyparts.”

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell hailed the announcement, saying: “We now have a House Leadership team that reflects the true mosaic of today’s party, from the baby powder white of Tom Price from Georgia to the old lace of Steve Chabot from Ohio to the eggshell of Utah’s Jason Chaffetz.”

“Mad Men” creator Matthew Weiner said the new GOP lineup looked surprisingly familiar to anyone who had watched Season One of his popular show: “The attention to detail is astonishing,” he said. “They’ve really captured both the look and the depressingly sexist attitudes of 1960 in such an authentic, effortless way.”

Meanwhile, in a blow for women’s rights activists, comedian Sarah Silverman announced that she would take the only logical course of action to succeed in 21st Century America and “become a dude.”

How to convince your libtard friends that global warming is a hoax

Today’s letter is about global warming, also known as global climate change, and how to convince your atheistic liberal friends that it’s all a hoax.

Dear Pastor Gregory,
The other day when I was scrapbooking with my girlfriends, and they all teamed up against me when I tried to explain that global warming is a hoax. They asked me how I knew it was a hoax… and it was so awkward when I couldn’t explain. I know it’s True because that’s what my Pastor told me, but how can I explain it to other people?

Thanks,
Colleen

You’ve got it right, Colleen: Global Warming is a hoax.

More importantly: it’s a hoax made up by the government to undermine Christianity. Now, I know that pot-worshiping libertarian Paul Ryan says Global Warming is “an excuse to grow government, raise taxes and slow down economic growth.” But that’s not the real reason Obama is pushing the global warming lie on the world.

The real motivation behind the Global Warming hoax is the destruction of traditional, deeply-held Christian beliefs. You see, if you are a  good Christian you know only God can change the weather. But if those liberals get you thinking that humans can cause Global Warming, then they have you doubting the supremacy of God.

This isn’t the first time the government has tried to use “science” to cast doubt on serious Christian beliefs, either.

Moon Landing "Teach The Controversy" TextbookBack when I was a young pastor they tried convincing us we landed on the moon! Luckily my religious textbook was able to TEACH THE CONTROVERSY and show me how false the moon landing really was. Our free-loving yet god-hating government spent billions of taxpayer dollars to stage the moon landing.

“Why oh why would they do all of this?” I hear you asking. Because they hate Christianity.

You see, if people think that we can land on the moon, then they might start thinking that heaven isn’t above the sky, like the Bible says. And if heaven isn’t above the sky, then they might think maybe heaven doesn’t exist at all! So the moon landing was part of a plot to get American citizens to stop believing in Biblical heaven.

God BlowsLuckily, God was too tricky for those big government liberals. You see, when they filmed the fake moon landing in the top secret big government liberal research bases in the Arizona desert, they overlooked the fact that GOD BLEW WIND ON THE FLAG during their photo shoot thus disproving the entire thing.

The liberal viewpoint always completely collapses, when you look at the details. So this is how you can explain it to your friends. When they say “how do you know that global warming is a hoax?” then you just say:

“God controls the weather so nobody can rain on His parade! If you don’t believe me, just go research FAKE MOON LANDING and you will be convinced!”

Now go forth, and spread the Good News.

Pastor Gregory

 

Five reasons to love Paul Ryan’s newest Budget!

Serious Budget

Serious BudgetPaul Ryan has a history of producing the bestest budgets that solve all of the world’s problems. They are filled with awesomesauce and can be expected to end all poorness and debt by the year 2050. Unfortunately, big mean liberals have not actually allowed any of his previous budgets to get any further than the House of Representatives. But that hasn’t stopped him from trying, and trying, and trying.

We looked at his latest budget, and we have dug up all of the most awesome things about it. Look and see.

1. It raises taxes on middle class families with children!

Now, liberals are going to cry about this, which is weird because usually they love raising taxes. But this is actually GREAT because the extra tax money won’t be used for stupid liberal things like paying for roads or food stamps: it will be used to pay for tax breaks for people with incomes over $1 million. SCORE!

2. It cuts investments in roads and bridges.

This goes without saying. Roads and bridges are French and gay. Roads meet the Wikipedia definition of socialism. Any road that isn’t a private toll road is destroying our national morality.

Besides, we need that money for the people with incomes over $1 million.

3. It cuts every level of education from early childhood to community college.

Again, pretty obvious: so-called “education” is really indoctrination where people learn that carbon dioxide traps heat, the earth is more than 6000 years old, and sometimes biological organisms change from one generation to the next. Obviously all lies straight from the pit of hell. Children are much better off learning everything they need to know from Hobby Lobby.

Additionally, we need the extra money for the people with incomes over $1 million.

4. It would slash food stamps.

Food stamps make people lazy and poor. Do you want proof? Think about shows you’ve seen on the history channel about the way things were, say, 4000 years ago. Nobody was lazy back then, right? No, they all hunted and gathered and ran away from big animals. None of them were lazy.

And also: there were no food stamps. I rest my case.

Additionally, we need that money for people with incomes over $1 million.

But most importantly…..

5. It completely repeals the Affordable Care Act

We are so excited about this we just can’t contain ourselves. We’ve been beating the drum about wanted Obamacare repealed for so long we’ve actually forgotten why… except that it has something to do with freedom.

Freedom, my friends. Granted, this budget will raise the health care costs for millions of families and businesses. It will eliminate the coverage for the 3 million young adults who have gained coverage by staying on their parent’s plan through Obamacare. It will eliminate coverage for the millions of people who have signed up for private insurance plans through the Marketplaces. And it will eliminate coverage for the millions of people who gained coverage through the expansion of Medicaid.

Isn’t that AWESOME? This is what freedom tastes like.

Thank you,  Paul Ryan.

More Reading:

budget.house.gov/fy2014/
Ryan’s Budget Would Cut $5 Trillion in Spending Over a Decade
Reid: Paul Ryan’s budget a blueprint for ‘Kochtopia’
Obama White House Drops A Fact Bomb That Eviscerates Paul Ryan’s Bogus Budget

The Perfect Republican Candidate (Campaign Ad)

Liberal Bias Video presents a HALLOWEEN SPECIAL:

Dr. Frankenstein creates the PERFECT Republican candidate by piecing together the best qualities of the Tea Party favorites.

Make sure to watch the video, and “like” it if you find it worthy! Also follow the Liberal Bias Video Youtube channel for more collaborative videos like this one!

Video direct link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Js05nDZG4Qw

 

The Perfect Republican Candidate

 

11 Washington Halloween costumes

In an exclusive leak to Liberal Bias, I have received information regarding how several current and former members of Congress are going to dress up as on Halloween night. If you spot them in Washington D.C. or in their state or district on Thursday, give them a piece of your mind.

Unless if you’re dressed like a zombie, in which case go home, clean yourself off, and think about what you’re doing.

1. Ted Cruz as THE TOXIC AVENGER

Ted Cruz Toxic Avenger
Sources: rumproast.com/comicvine.com

According to my source, there was never any doubt that Cruz was going to dress as the title character of Lloyd Kaufman’s 1984 cult classic. Not only does he consider himself to be a “toxic avenger” because he was willing to poison the entire government in order to shut down Obamacare, he doesn’t even have to wear face makeup! The natural droopiness of his face did most of the work for him.

2. Mitch McConnell as FRANKLIN

Mitch McConnel

At the request of one of his constituents, McConnell, desperate in his quest to retain his seat in the Senate despite disastrous approval ratings in his home state of Kentucky, is finally acknowledging the fact that he kind of looks like a turtle. He is dressing up as Franklin this year, a much cuter humanoid turtle than Toby Turtle from the movie Robin Hood, a movie that celebrates the redistribution of wealth.

3. Paul Ryan as KERMIT THE FROG

 Sources: en.wikipedia.org/theepochtimes.com
Sources: en.wikipedia.org/theepochtimes.com

Paul Ryan isn’t the only Republican “going green” this year. Ryan had a lot of options this year; his infamous gym photoshoot made this particular reporter think he would dress like the video game character Ness from Earthbound and Super Smash Brothers. Instead, he is deciding to put on green body paint and become a Muppet. Or maybe he has always been one. Have you ever seen Paul Ryan and a Muppet in the same room? Exactly. You don’t know.

4. Kyrsten Sinema as JYNX

Kyrsten Sinema as JYNX
Sources: eastvalleytribune.com/pldh.net

After voting to fund the government while defunding and/or delaying Obamacare, Kyrsten Sinema, the freshmen congresswoman from Arizona, is under a lot of fire. Her district, containing Arizona State University, is one of the stronger Democrat party areas in the otherwise patriotic state. To help turn the tides back in her favor as she prepares to run for re-election, she is planning to dress up like a Pokemon for Halloween. The Nintendo video game franchise is still very hip and cool among the teens these days, so she hopes this will win over student voters.

5. Michele Bachmann as JAMIE LEE CURTIS

 Sources: historyguy.com/thieapolis.com
Sources: historyguy.com/thieapolis.com

Not to be outdone by the Muslim on Community, Michele Bachmann is dressing up like Jamie Lee Curtis this Halloween at the request of her husband. My source says Marcus Bachmann became obsessed with the Activia spokesperson when he heard a rumor that Jamie Lee Curtis was born with both male and female sex organs.

6. Jeff Sessions as BIG BOY PICKLES

Sources: netrightdaily.com/rugrats.wikia.com
Sources: netrightdaily.com/rugrats.wikia.com

Alabama senator Jeff Sessions is almost as conservative as I am, which is why it shocks me that he’s participating in Halloween in the first place. It’s no secret that Sessions looks like an adorable baby, which is why I’m even more shocked that he’s dressing up like an ugly baby. Big Boy Pickles from the Rugrats episode Angelica’s Worst Nightmare, scarred millions of children by being the most disturbing, horrifying baby you’ve ever seen. It almost made me rethink my strong pro-life stance.

Almost.

7. John McCain as MAVERICK

 Sources: wired.com/moviegoss.com
Sources: wired.com/moviegoss.com

For the 30th year in a row, John McCain is putting on the costume of his favorite Top Gun character. Personally, I think this Republican In Name Only should dress like Goose. Urban Dictionary defines the word goose as “A highly territorial bird, a nuisance around parks, if you get too close they will hiss and chase you away.” Sounds right to me.

8. Newt Gingrich as SLUTTY NEWT GINGRICH

Source: slate.com
Source: slate.com

It’s a common occurrence around the country for girls to use Halloween as an excuse to show ungodly body parts to the public, including but not limited to their ankles. Newt Gingrich, according to my source, has decided to join in on the fun. He has not decided how he is going to dress up; in fact, he’s not sure if he has to at all. According to my source, Gingrich feels that cheating on your first wife with your second wife and cheating on your cancer-ridden second wife with your third wife is enough.

9. Hillary Clinton as LESLIE KNOPE

Hillary Clinton as LESLIE KNOPE
Sources: weaselzippers.us/hitfix.com

To show her admiration of comedian Amy Poehler, who portrayed Clinton on NBC’s Saturday Night Live, Hillary Clinton is going to costume herself as the main character of Parks and Recreation. One of the defining characteristics of Leslie Knope is that she loves Hillary Clinton and wears pantsuits to model herself like her. The only person who loves Hillary Clinton more than Leslie Knope is Hillary Clinton herself, so this is a no-brainer.

10. Rand Paul as AN ABOLISHED FEDERAL GOVERNMENT

 

Sources: salon.com/horizonservicesinc.com
Sources: salon.com/horizonservicesinc.com

Randal Howard Paul, was defunded October 31, 2013 at the age of 50. Paul was the junior United States Senator for Kentucky and an advocate for term limits, a balanced budget amendment, and a widespread reduction of federal spending and taxation. He is survived by his father, former U.S. Representative and presidential candidate Ron Paul of Texas, and his three children, William, Robert, and Duncan.

11. Joe Biden as DITTO

 Sources: whitehouse.gov/IGN.com
Sources: whitehouse.gov/IGN.com

Somebody told Joe Biden that he could be anything for Halloween, so he decided to become everything for Halloween.

European austerity weirdly contradicts conservative values

Eurozone austerity

Eurozone austerity

“If we tighten our belts it will lead to growth,” Rand Paul has said. “Reducing the deficit always makes economies boom,” Paul Ryan has said. So why is this graph showing otherwise?

Of course we have not just heard this from our conservative hero, Rand Paul Ryan. We have also heard this from great intellectuals like Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity.  They all tell us the same thing: deep cuts in spending will balance the budget and instantly lead to an enormous explosion in hiring, productivity, GDP, puppies, rainbows, and oral sex.  In other words: it will solve all problems in the world.

Weirdly, the above graph shows that in European countries, there is a negative relationship between the degree of austerity they implemented, and their GDP growth.  More specifically: across Europe, the more dedicated a country was to cuts and austerity, the more their GDP dropped.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, STUPID GRAPH? DIDN’T YOU GET THE MEMO?

When statistics like these dare to contradict the talking points of our great lord and leader, Rand Paul Ryan, there is only one conclusion we can come to:  the statistics must have a liberal bias!!!

 

graph data source: IMF, World Economic Outlook Database
graph found via: Paul Krugman, New York Times

related article: European unemployment weirdly contradicts conservative values

SNAP statistics contradict Paul Ryan

SNAP Program Statistics

SNAP Program Statistics

Once again there is a conflict between conservative ideology and statistics. This time, the topic is: Do food stamps make poor people lazy?

This graph shows the return-to-work rates for families that went on the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP, also known as “Food Stamps”) due to unemployment. It turns out that a majority of the families with work-eligible adults that went on the SNAP program regained employment within the same month, and almost 90% of them had regained employment within the following year.

BUT WAIT A MOMENT!!  THAT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE!!!!

Everyone knows that when people go on food stamps, they think: “OMG, life is so easy, Ima never work again!”

Paul Ryan stated very clearly in his proposed budget that “government policies affecting lower-income individuals can often create a powerful disincentive to get ahead.”

The meaning of this statement could not possibly be more clear. Giving poor people financial assistance makes them lazy. (It is interesting and important to note that Paul Ryan does not think that giving rich people free money makes them lazy… but that’s a topic for another time.)

So on the one hand, we have Paul Ryan’s sentence in his budget.

On the other hand, we have actual statistics about the return-to-work rates of people on food stamps.

Which one is correct?

Well, we all know the answer to that: statistics clearly have a liberal bias!!!!

 

graph source: CBPP.org

Paul Ryan’s tax rates missed the memo on messaging

Paul Ryan loves you

Paul Ryan loves youPaul Ryan’s budget is much more effective when it is not encumbered by actual numbers, which have a liberal bias. This graph is a perfect illustration of this fact.

When Paul Ryan’s budget is described only using words, it is completely in line with the message the Republican Party is trying to send:

EXAMPLE 1: It will “simplify the tax code to make it fairer to American families and businesses” (page 19).  When he says “fairer” he naturally means that poor people need to pay more. Because the biggest problem with our economic system is that people making $10,000 per year have it too easy.

EXAMPLE 2: It will “reduce the amount of time and resources necessary to comply with tax laws” (page 24). This means getting rid of special conditions and confusing loopholes. Are you worried because you aren’t sure whether you qualify for Earned Income Credit?  Under Ryan’s plan, you will be relieved of this unneeded anxiety… the answer will just be “no”.

It all sounds very good when described this way.

Unfortunately, when you “run the numbers”, as liberals like to say, and create a graph out of it, the result is the unseemly appearance that Republicans are the party of the rich.

 

Obviously, the fault must be with the numbers.  It’s yet another examples of numbers having a liberal bias!

 

graph data source: Center on Budget and Policy Priorities
graph found via: Daily Kos

“Favorability” has a liberal bias!

Liberal Bias Favorability

Liberal Bias Favorability

The new Quinnipiac survey results were released last week. They show one thing beyond a shadow of a doubt: the word “favorability” must have a liberal bias!

Look at these disgusting, liberal survey results. For each politician, the blue bar represents the number of people who rated their view of the politician as “favorable” while the red bar represents the number of people who rated their view of the politician as “unfavorable”.  (They do not add up to 100%, because the difference is the number of people who said that they did not have enough information to answer.)

The gray diamond shows the favorability margin: the favorability minus the unfavorability.

First of all, there is an obvious liberal bias to this poll, because the Republican politicians overall averaged much more unfavorably than the Democratic ones. In fact, the only Republican politician who ranked as more favorable than the lowest-rated Democratic politician was Marco Rubio. Clearly this means that the whole idea of “favorability” is liberal and communist and this question shouldn’t even be asked.

However, that is not even the worst part of this survey result.

The worst part is this: HILLARY CLINTON?  REALLY??????

Don’t the American people REALIZE that she’s, like, practically the devil?

Haven’t the American people been listening, when we tell them that she had White House Counsel Vince Foster killed, she accepted money from a Chinese spy, she has a lot of mysterious dead friends, she manipulated high risk commodities futures in a money scam, she was involved in something called Whitewater that nobody remembers but was a big scandal, she is secretly a lesbian (you can tell because of her haircut), she faked a concussion and/or allowed herself to be pushed down the stairs just to avoid testifying about Benghazi, and… and… STUFF LIKE THAT???

How can the American People like this woman???

Obviously, they have all been hypnotized by some kind of liberal lesbian voodoo.

 

And if that weren’t bad enough, this poll now gives liberals an excuse to shamelessly brag and strut about how popular their girl Hillary is.

God, they are such sore winners.

 

graph data source: quinnipiac poll results, Feb 8 2013
graph created by: liberalbias.com

The Tea Party Cat explains the 2012 election aftermath

Tea Party Cat

Tea Party Cat

In this exclusive interview for LiberalBias.com, Greg Stevens gets the Tea Party Cat to cut through political gaffes, backpedaling and misstatements to find out what our great conservative leaders will really be thinking after the 2012 election.


Greg Stevens [GS]:  One of your great talents as a powerful voice on the Right is your ability to state, in simple terms that everyone can understand, what our leaders are really thinking. We all know that people misspeak, and sometimes get quoted out of context. But even when politicians don’t quite say what they should, you have a talent for being able to decipher what they really mean.

Paul Ryan.Donald Duck

So if I can get your wisdom and insight on the record, exclusively for us here at Liberalbias.com, I would like us to take a look into the future at what our political leaders will really be thinking the day after the election. What do you say?

Tea Party Cat [TPC]: Well, as you know, for conservatives there are only two futures: apocalyptic futures where America is destroyed by 39% marginal tax rates on the rich, and bright futures where heroic (male) leaders restore America to its rightful place as absolute ruler of the world and impose fundamentalist Christianity and democracy on the world at the end of a tank barrel.

GS: That sounds right… so let’s start by imagining the worst case scenario: Obama has been re-elected.

TPC: That would be a real tragedy. The Koch brothers and Sheldon Adelson have invested a billion dollars in this election, and to have it stolen by voters would be horrible. If this happens, then it might deter billionaires from trying to buy future elections, which would mean even more control over our government by the moochers.

GS: If we could get him to admit it bluntly, what is Mitt Romney really thinking?

TPC: “Oh, well. Good thing we did this on the Koch and Adelson money instead of mine. And besides we skimmed plenty off the top from the SuperPACs for ‘management fees’, so it’s really no different than KB Toys.”

GS: And what is Paul Ryan really thinking?

TPC: “Good thing I stayed on the ballot for my congressional seat. Plus now I can write a book like Palin did and finally cash in on this.”

GS: And Barack Obama?

TPC: Well, that’s going to be more of a conversation like this:

Obama: “Bill, thanks for all your help in this campaign. What can I do to repay you?”
Bill Clinton: “Barack, you know what I want.”
Obama: “OK, I’ll hire back the Secret Service team that got caught with prostitutes in Colombia and assign them to your detail.”
Bill Clinton: “And?”
Obama: “And I’ll keep Hillary out of the country as much as possible.”

GS: And Sarah Palin?

TPC: “Don’t blame me. I backed Newt.”

GS: Newt Gingrich?

TPC: “Hello, Sheldon [Adelson]? So, 2016? I won’t be too old. We both know you can’t trust that Christie guy to toe the line, and Ryan is damaged goods now.”

GS: And what are the Koch brothers thinking?

TPC: “Well, we still own Paul and Scott and Reince in Wisconsin, all of Kansas, Arkansas, and have plenty of others in our pocket. We can still buy 2014 and 2016.”

GS: Reince Priebus?

TPC: “Oh, well, we’ll just have to suppress more votes next time!”

GS: Rick Santorum?

TPC: “I told you Romney couldn’t beat Obama.”

GS: Karl Rove?

TPC: “Oh, thank God! I oversold the election, so it’s a good thing Mitt lost because too many billionaires would expect something.”

GS: Scalia?

TPC: “Mitt lost? Are you sure, Florida? I even got my ‘Bush v Gore pen’ back from the Smithsonian.”

GS: Rick Perry?

TPC: “I knew I should’ve run for president this year. I could’ve won this thing.”

GS: Chris Christie?

TPC: “Hey, Mitt! Sorry you lost. No, not really. I never really liked you or your whole no swearing act, and now it’s wide open for me in 2016. Don’t worry, I won’t be inviting you to the convention—you can sit home with W.”

GS: And finally…. Fox & Friends?

TPC: “Let’s call Trump and see if he thinks the election was stolen too!”

GS: Very impressive! Now, let’s imagine again, but this time it is the day after the election, and the angels have smiled upon our nation and blessed us with a Mitt Romney victory.

NOW, what is the quote from Mitt Romney?

TPC: “I hope all this crazy shit we’ve been saying works, because Paul and Grover are making me go through with this.”

Though at some point you know Romney is going to notice what the job pays, and I can’t see him sticking around for a measly $400,000 a year.

GS: From Paul Ryan?

TPC: “Oh, thank God I don’t have to go on Dancing With The Stars now.”

GS: From Barack Obama?

TPC: “You were right, Hillary, there is a vast right-wing conspiracy. Good luck in 2016.”

GS: From Sarah Palin?

TPC: “My Facebook statuses did it!”

Though I actually expect Palin will go quiet for a while after election night. She’ll be disappointed that Romney won. Criticizing the president is so much easier than trying to justify his mistakes, and as her financial adviser told her last fall, with Romney running for reelection, she can’t pretend to run again to get an all-expense paid family vacation from her SuperPAC. It’s a bad day for Palin, and she knows it.

GS: Mitch McConnell:

TPC: “Holy shit! Sabotaging the economy worked! They fell for it. Suckers!”

GS: Rick Santorum?

TPC: “Could’ve been me. I could’ve beaten Obama. Well, if it weren’t for Google. And the fact that I’m an sufferable prick.”

GS: Chris Christie?

TPC: “Crap! Now I gotta wait until 2020. I was sure 2012 was a loser and it would be mine in 2016.”

GS: Fantastic!  Now, no matter what we hear on our television sets or read in the newspapers on the day after the election, we can all rest assured that we already know what they are really thinking.

Finally, one last question: are you really a cat?

TPC: Well, my identity is a closely guarded secret, but I would like to lay to rest the rumor that I am Stephen Colbert’s cat. I am not. I am no one’s cat. I own people, they don’t own me.

GS: Thank you very much for your time!

 

The Tea Party Cat can be found on Tumblr, on Twitter and on Facebook.